Hello, it's me
It has been a long time since the last time I saw you. Five years. The longest years of my life. But how could it not be the case when you are my soul mate? I belong to you, Lexa. And I fucked things up. And now, I would like to see you one more time. To clear my conscience maybe; to admire your face, to look at this body I used to love. To have the opportunity to apologize. It seems that I simply cannot get over you. Not when my thoughts remind me at each moment what I have done.
I live in California now. Do you reminder that it was our dream? To come here, buy a huge house, and start a family. We were dreaming about ending our lives together, here, under the sun. But now I'm alone with my regrets. The sun is not appealing without you. I cannot feel how warm it is, because I feel like a cold stone since you left. This emptiness is consuming me. I am just a ghost. I am not your Clarke anymore. I am nothing.
Raven and Octavia, they try to cheer me up, but it is not working. It has been five years Lexa, and I am just an empty shell. I cannot be complete without you. I've forgotten how to live without your love. I totally deserve it, and I know that. But still, I hold onto this hope, that maybe one day, you could forgive me. I know, I've always been a hopeless dreamer.
I remember how our friends said that it could not work between us. You were this stoic girl, calm and determined. You had all your walls up. You were always saying that "Love is a weakness". I proved you right, didn't I? ..Fuck, I am such an idiot. I tried to pass through those walls, because I knew that you were more than that Lexa. You were not just "the Commander", this heartless bitch as Octavia was saying. I knew you were kind and loyal. That you were an amazing human being, and it was, it is the case. I will always be grateful that you let me in, and that you let me discover how great you really are. I hate myself you know. Because when I broke your heart, I broke you too. I learnt by our common friends how you turned back to your old self. But Lexa, life should be more than just surviving, don't we deserve better than that? Well, YOU deserve it. You deserve a girl who is not a stupid bitch like I was. You deserve someone who reminds you every day that you are a queen. I am so sorry that I have not been this person.
I tried to reach you after all these years. To let you know how stupid I was, how I regret what I have done. But you never answered. I can understand. You must hate me. But Lexa, I wanted to tell you how I loved you. How I am full of anger towards myself for how I treated you. But maybe, it does not matter anymore. Maybe you are over me. That's why I'm writing this letter. It is a final closure to our relationship. You will not hear anything from me ever again.
Fuck, I'm such a selfish bitch. I have been talking about my feelings without asking about you. I hope that your dreams came true. That you are okay, and happy. I wonder if you are still in this city that you hated so much. Raven won't tell me anything when I ask. Just that you are doing great on your own. I do not know where you live now. It is stupid isn't it? My only chance that you receive and hopefully read this letter depends on Anya, the person on this Earth who hates me the most, after you. I really do hope she will give you this.
We are running out of time to have our happy ending. I mean, don't get me wrong, I am not sick or something like that. It is just that the more the time flows, the more our lives will keep us apart. I got an offer at work. They want me to move to England. To become the head of the cardiology department. I don't want to go, because it will mean the end of us, for good. And let's be honest, how could I fix hearts when mine is broken? But that's not the point here. England would be an ocean apart from you. But this could be my chance to have a fresh start. This is up to you Lexa. Will you give me a second chance, or will you be able to let me go, forever?
This may sound like an ultimatum. And in a way, this is one. I cannot live like this anymore. You mean the world to me. But I've lost 5 years of my life now. I've got to move on, even if I do not want to. So Lexa, I will wait for your call. In three weeks from today I will fly away. If you have not contacted me, then I will consider that our future together is a chimera.
San Diego, California
Eleven days later.
The apartment is full of packed boxes. One could tell that the owner will be moving out soon. A phone is ringing. The blond girl answers it, hope written all over her face. No words would form, she was frozen and clenching onto the phone with what strength she had left.
- Hello?
- It's me...