Sins of my Father
Chapter One
Sometimes We'll Sigh, Sometimes We'll Cry
Notes: So yes. My very first attempt at Psychfic. Be gentle? Constructive cristicism is always highly appreciated. I'm incredibly nervous to try and write Shawn, that's what's put me off from writing this stuff for the past eight months that I've had ideas.
So be warned, it will probably be pretty OOC at first and hopefully get better as it goes. Hopefully.
--
There was no way to predict it would happen. When the sun came up that morning, it was the start of any other day in our lives. I turned and sleepily hid my face in her shoulder and she laughed, sighed and told me we had to get to the department early that day, so we could go home early to catch our flight. Our first vacation in three years, since the honeymoon. She was so beautiful. From getting out of bed to take a shower to kissing me goodbye. She was leaving first, to go right into work. I had to make a quick stop at Henry's.
I came in and sat on her desk as we waited for the day to end. It was going to take forever, go figure. She resorted to using me as a word processor, had me spell check her paperwork manually before filing it for her, getting us both some coffee and bagels when McNab brought them in. I poked fun at Lassie as usual and he continued to pretend I didn't exist. It was a ritual, we got along, just so long as I wasn't too annoying.
The call came in after we'd finished lunch. We only had three hours to go, and Jules promised she'd be back in time for us to make our flight, even if it meant not making the arrest. They'd been trying to find this guy for weeks, and a good tip finally came in. I was ordered to stay behind, even if instinct told me to follow my wife out the door. It was eerie, I didn't want her to go. Normally I kicked back at her desk and told her she'd better be back in a trenchcoat minus her partner, but that day I just didn't want her to leave.
Selfish impulse. I wanted to get out of there. I had to believe that, even if my behavior made the chief give me that look. That, 'Should I know something?' look. I smiled lamely at her and sat, tilted my head up when Jules bent to kiss me. She said she loved me and left. She always said that before going to work. I didn't like thinking of the reason behind it because that was never going to happen.
The first hour ticked by, I paced the entire station, my phone in my hand. One call, from Henry. One of his general check-ins. I felt bad for not being in the mood to take it, sucked it up and rode it out until he hung up. Nothing else. An hour and a half in I turned to make my way bak down a hall after reaching the end when Vick rounded the corner, out of breath, this look in her eyes. She didn't have to say anything, I knew. I just asked where.
Getting out of the car I didn't bother shutting the door as I ran to where a small group of officers, including Lassiter, were standing in a protective circle. Lassie saw me and moved aside, didn't dare say anything. I think he knew. I think they all did, and they had no idea what to say. She was lying on the asphalt, in the center of them all, and while a thousand fears ran through my mind, nothing was as important to me as the pallor of her face, the red blotch on her waist as I moved over her so she could see me. She smiled. I loved her smile.
"Hi Jules, I'm here." Reaching out I brushed some hair from her cheek, ran my knuckles lovingly across the tender, perspired flesh.
"Shawn. . ." Her voice was soft. I didn't want to, but I knew she was already fading, and I fought past the way my heart broke inside of me. "I love. . ."
"Shhhh. Hey, hey. No saying goodbyes. Remember on the board in the ocean? We said when you're an old lady warm in your bed."
She smiled again. "Shawn. .that was Titanic." But she didn't press it. She knew I knew. Her lashes started to flutter and she looked at me when a sob broke past my voice, shook her head. "You've got bigger fish to fry than to worry about me, Spencer."
A nod, I knew it, but I loved her. I couldn't just let her go and I couldn't fight the inevitable. Where the hell was that ambulance?! I cupped her cheek and bent to kiss her softly, careful not to take any of her breath away. "I love you. So much, Jules. Forever and ever."
"Forever. . ." She stopped struggling, her chest stopped moving and she stared up at me in a perpetual gaze. Her eyes were peaceful, and maybe a little surprised. By the time I reached to close the lids I realized I'd pulled her into my lap partway, and her blood was soaking into my shirt, still warm.
I held her and sobbed until the medics finally showed up and made me give her up to them. I had to go. Lassiter wanted to take me to the station but I broke past him to hurry back to the car and I got in, drove off cutting off some traffic to drive to the red and white house on the beach. I didn't know if Henry knew, could know. Vick would probably call him while I was en route. It didn't matter.
I parked haphazardly in the gravel and heard the screen door creek open, heard Henry's gentle voice coaxing as I climbed out, turned and saw him. He'd been crying, he knew. He had a clean shirt in his hands and for once, I was grateful to have him fathering me just then. I didn't want her to see me like that. I tugged the bloody one off and took it as I made my way up the steps, pulled it on. Henry pulled me into a hug, and I wanted to cry again, but I couldn't. I stood limply until he released me and hurried inside.
In the living room I tripped on a toy before I saw her, laying in the playpen, asleep. It was hot out, she was only in her diaper, and staring at her, I realized she had her mother's complexion. But she had my dark hair, and Jules' eyes. I started to count the freckles before I walked over and bent to pick her up, holding her close. She smelled like Johnson's, and the pineapple she'd dumped all over herself that morning when Jules had been feeding her. Fresh tears sprang into my eyes and I fought not to cry them into her soft hair, holding her to me. My daughter. Jules' daughter, our daughter. All I had left now of the woman who I was sure had been the only woman who could put a ring on my finger. I stared at it where it was on her back and vowed that as long as I was alive, it was staying there. I promised Jules, 'til death do us part. Only one of us. . .
That thought was the final straw, I collapsed to my knees and rocked the baby as I sobbed softly against her. Henry gave them a few moments before walking over and lifting her. "Shawn, hey, why don't you go on up to your room and I'll call your mom? We'll watch her, you're getting her back all wet. It's okay, son, just go on upstairs. Get it all out."
I was reluctant but nodded, handing Penelope over to Henry. It had been the only name we'd both thought was cute enough for a little girl, after I'd spoiled that they were having a little girl. Jules had wanted to wait to find out. I'd been too overjoyed to keep it to myself, and only had to sleep on the couch a week for it before she got excited too. And there I was, lying in the bed of my teenage years, silently wishing I'd made her sleep in that morning.