Olivia was always better at caring for someone other than herself. But having Noah in her life was forcing her to also care for herself in new ways. She tried to keep regular working hours as much as possible. She had dinner each night - even if it was just trying to eat in between feeding Noah. It was more routine than she had ever allowed herself in her adult life. With being the commanding officer of a busy unit and having a infant she had never been so busy in her life. She was still learning how to balance, but she'd rather have this life now than the life she had a year ago.
Like all children Noah needed his routine and Olivia tried her best to give him that but sometimes it just wasn't possible. And in those times was when she felt like she was letting him down. He had been this gift to her that just fell out of the sky. When she scooped him out of that dresser drawer months ago she never imagined he would become hers. She no longer allowed herself to dream of such things so when that judge asked if she would be interested in taking custody it flipped her world around.
Olivia stood in the living room near the crib with Noah in her arms lightly bouncing him and trying to calm him. It was well after midnight and he was fighting sleep. He had been fussy the last few days with a cold and he just didn't want to sleep. She felt so bad for the little boy and knew he was just exhausted but he was too uncomfortable to rest. Lucy had been having a time with him during the day. He just wasn't happy. And that wasn't like him.
"You've got to get some sleep Noah," she whispered. He was clinging to her and sniffling. "So do I," she said as an after thought. "I know you don't feel good, buddy but I promise it will get better. You just need to rest." The more she swayed with him and whispered to him the more he seemed to relax. She was hoping this time it would stick. When he was asleep she whispered, "Okay baby, I'm going to put you in bed. Please, please, please," she said more to herself than him.
As Olivia went to lay him down he began to fuss and looked up at her from his bed with glassy eyes. He looked at her like she just broke his heart and immediately his lower lip began to quiver. She scooped him back up before he had time to get worked up. "I'm sorry." He laid his head down on her shoulder and she kissed the side of his head. "I thought you were asleep." He clung to her neck and sniffled as he wiped his nose across her shoulder. She could feel the warmth of the snot and all she could think about was it was better than vomit - which he had covered her in just a couple of weeks ago from an upset tummy.
"I'm sorry you don't feel good, baby, but rest is the only thing that will make it better. There's nothing I can do," she said sadly. She glanced at the clock in the kitchen and saw that it was now pushing 1AM. Thankfully she was off the next day and could stay home with him and sleep if he allowed it, but she was beyond exhausted. "Okay," she reached into the crib and pulled out his favorite blanket. "I know we aren't supposed to do this, but Mama needs to lay down." She had been trying her best to follow all of the rules of parenting an infant but she was breaking this one. One she was sure every parent had broken many times over no matter what some of them said. "How about we try to lay down together? Maybe that will help."
Noah didn't pay any attention to what was going on. He kept his face turned toward her neck and clung to her. Olivia walked them to the bedroom where she switched on a small lamp and tossed the covers back on the bed. "Think you can lay down in here?" Again, Noah paid her no mind. At least until she tried to put him down in the center of the bed. He began to fuss and cry. "Just a minute, sweetie. I'm going to get in with you." He just sat there and whimpered as he looked up at her with his arms out.
Olivia tossed some pillows to the far side of the bed and made sure to pull the curtains closed so no light would seep in and then got into bed and pulled Noah close. He snuggled into her arms and laid his head down on her chest. She reached for the lamp and turned the light off so they were wrapped in darkness. "Okay, buddy let's see if this will work for us." She kissed his head gently and brushed his hair back from his forehead and she burrowed deep into the pillows. "I love you, sweetheart. I'm sorry you're not feeling well and I wish there was something I could do to help you."
She didn't expect a response from the eleven month old. He just sighed against her and she felt his little body relax. Not five minutes later he was passed out and she was right behind him.
As Olivia woke the first thing that she thought was that she felt well rested, but that wasn't possible. She opened her eyes and looked at her little boy still sound asleep. He had rolled onto his stomach next to her and was drooling all over the sheets below him. She smiled and kissed his head and then searched from her clock on the nightstand. She was blown away by what time it was. "That can't be right." She reached for her phone and saw the same thing. It was just before 10AM. Noah had slept through the night and then some. She wondered if she could get in a quick shower without waking him because once he was awake she would be out of luck.
She slowly slid out of bed trying not to disturb him. She grabbed some pillows and put them where she had been laying and tip toed into the bathroom across the hall. She started the water and as she was waiting for it to get up to temperature she peaked back into the bedroom to make sure he was still asleep. She smiled at him. He was so cute and sweet and she was so grateful to have him in her life.
After showering and dressing she decided to clean up the living room and kitchen a bit while Noah continued to sleep. By 11AM she went back in to wake him up. He was leaning against the pillows staring at the phone in his hand. "What do you have?" He looked up at her and smiled. "How'd you get that?" She must have tossed it on the bed without realizing it and of course he got his little hands on it.
"Hi," he said to her and held out the phone.
"Hi," she smiled. "Are you feeling better?" He held his hands up to her after she took the phone and she dutifully picked him up and kissed him. "You seem like you are."
It was such a beautiful fall day that if he had been feeling better they would have spent the day out, but she didn't want to take any chances. He still needed to rest and take it easy. His little body needed more time. "I have all kinds of things planned for today. First a bath and then some lunch because you slept in so late!" He smiled at her as she spoke. "And then some playing with Mama and maybe some cuddles at nap time. Just a nice relaxing day at home together. What do you think?"
By that evening, after a long nap for both of them Noah had been feeling a lot better and she felt comfortable enough to take him out grocery shopping. Although she was quickly learning that the older he got the more difficult it was to take him shopping and expect him to sit still in a shopping cart for too long. Luckily she didn't have anywhere to be and she found a bag of cheerios in her purse that he could snack on as she loaded up the grocery cart with food for the week. She usually tried to do any shopping on her way home from work but with him not feeling well that week she just wanted to get home and be with him each day after work.
One of the more difficult tasks of shopping with him was getting all the bags, plus his bag and him back into the apartment. She had then discovered the convenience of her groceries being delivered and if she ever found spare time at work she would start ordering them online but for now just the delivery was all she needed.
As they waited in line Noah garnered extra attention from other shoppers and employees. She was still having difficulty getting used to the extra attention but her son seemed to lap it right up. He would smile at the right times or play shy just to receive a little extra attention or a kiss from his mama. Olivia couldn't help herself. His go to reaction for playing shy was to lean into her if he was in her arms or lean toward her if he wasn't. She played right into his hands and she knew it better than anyone else.
"He's such a cutie," the woman at the register said. "How old?"
"He's almost eleven months."
"Beautiful boy."
"Thank you." She looked at her son. "Can you say 'thank you' Noah?" Noah just smiled at the woman and cocked his head slightly. Olivia took that opportunity to wipe his nose quickly to which he pulled away and gave her a dirty look. "Sorry buddy."
The woman laughed. "Wow, did you learn that look from your mommy?" She began picking up the items at the register and scanning them. "Bet you can be a handful."
"Absolutely," Olivia agreed with a grateful smile right before a sneeze shook her body. "Oh great," she teased Noah as he smiled at her. "You think that's funny? If I'm getting sick it's all on you buddy!" Noah just giggled and tossed the baggy of cheerios he had aside. "Don't throw things." She caught it before it hit the ground. "If you're all done just give it to me." She leaned in and kissed his cheek. "Love you, Noah."
That night Noah gave her a hard time about going to bed in his crib again and she just didn't have the energy to deal with it. She was certain she was coming down with the cold Noah was getting over and she didn't want to run herself ragged anymore than she already had. So Noah ended up in her bed again that night and they were both sleeping by 9pm. By the next morning she had a full blown cold and wished she could lounge around for another day but she knew her son would have none of that so she didn't even try. She grabbed a quick shower and got them ready for the day.
She pulled on a pair of jeans and a cream colored sweater to go with and a pair of brown boots. Noah ended up in a warm pair of jeans, a red t-shirt with a dump truck on the front and his new dark blue jacket. She flipped the hood over his head as she strapped him into his stroller and quickly slipped a pair of shoes on his feet. It was always a fight to keep anything on his feet but with the weather getting cooler he needed them.
"Ready to head out, buddy?"
Olivia tossed his bag in the basket at the bottom of his stroller and stuffed a jacket in there for her as well. Noah always seemed to kick back and relax when he was in the stroller. As long as it was moving or he had something to look at he was perfectly content. They were heading out on his first trip to the zoo and her first trip there in decades. He didn't need to be cooped up in the house anymore and she was so used to always being on the go that heading out for the day seemed like a great plan for both of them.
She couldn't have asked for a better Sunday to enjoy with her son. The air was crisp and cool but the sun was warm and beating down on them. The leaves all around were changing and everyone seemed to be in a good mood. Noah was so excited about all of the animals. His face was animated and he was so interactive with her. She would tell him what the animal was and the sound it made and he would do his best to copy her. She loved having him in her life and appreciated every second of it.
He seemed to like the chimpanzees best so that was where they spent the most time and she circled back again so he could see them one more time before they left for the day. He had skipped his nap that afternoon and it was creeping up on four o'clock and she was trying to avoid a potential meltdown by at least keeping him fed and happy with the skipped nap. She unbuckled him and held him up so he could get a better view. He began making the animal noises and she couldn't help but laugh.
"That's right, Noah. You're so smart." He smiled brightly at his mother and went back to observing the chimps. One seemed to have taken a liking to Noah and began copying Noah's movements. Olivia walked over to the glass enclosure once she noticed that and set Noah down on his feet in front of her. The young chimp walked up to the glass and sat down about three feet away. Noah giggled and placed his hand on the glass. The chimp opened her mouth and copied the laughter and then inched forward and placed her hand on the glass opposite of his.
"She likes you, baby." Olivia crouched down with her son in front of her and kissed his cheek. "Can you wave to her? Say hi?" Noah's little hand opened and closed and his new friend did the same on the other side of the glass.
A little boy noticed the interaction and came running over. "Look, Daddy!"
Olivia glanced to her right and smiled at the child. He must have been around seven with a set of bright blue eyes and dark brown hair. Noah looked at the boy near them and smiled too.
The little boy smiled. "Hi. Can you get the chimp to wave again?"
Olivia grinned and said to her son, "Can you say hi to the chimpanzee, Noah? Wave to her again?" Noah did as asked and his new friend waved back.
"Daddy, come look!" The boy said with pure joy.
Olivia felt her body tense as the man approached and her nostrils flared. The man stood behind his son and placed his hand on the child's head. "I see it."
"Isn't it cool? She likes the baby."
And that was when Olivia looked up to meet the bright blue eyes of the boy's father. Her breath caught in her throat and she suddenly felt more nervous than she ever had in her life. "Elliot?"
"Liv." He breathed out. "Hi."
Olivia continued to stare up at the man next to her, unsure if this was real or if she was having some sort of hallucination. She didn't really know what do. "Hi," she finally whispered. She shook her head and turned her attention back to Noah. She wanted to run and she wanted to stand and fight all at the same time. "You ready to go, buddy?" Noah began to fuss as she rose to her feet with him in her arms.
Elliot just stared at the scene in front of him. About a year after he left SVU he finally worked up the nerve to contact her. They spoke briefly at the time, mostly with him apologizing and her listening. She hadn't said much then and they had only stayed in contact by text in the two years since then. Even that was mainly him checking in on her after he'd seen her on the news and her replying she was okay. Sometimes she would ask how his kids were doing, but that was about it. They weren't friends anymore but they had played such major parts in each other's lives that neither could completely let go.
The baby was getting agitated and didn't want to leave but she was frantically trying to get him to settle enough that she could buckle him in. Finally Elliot spoke up. "Olivia, don't leave on my account."
"It's fine. He's tired."
Eli's head perked up a bit at the mention of her name. "You're my dad's Olivia?"
Olivia smiled sadly. "You're Eli," she stated. She stopped fighting with Noah for a brief moment and let him once again stand at the window as she crouched behind him. She looked at Eli and smiled brightly. "You've gotten so big and handsome."
"You saved me and Mom when I was born." Eli looked up to his father for confirmation. "Right?"
"That's right," Elliot said and nodded his head in the direction of Olivia as he looked at his son.
Eli looked at Olivia and gave her a hug. "Dad says you're a real life superhero, but not the kind with super powers. Those are just for movies and comics," he finished as he pulled back.
Olivia laughed. "Thanks. I think."
"Welcome," the boy smiled. "Can you tell Noah to make the chimp do something?"
Olivia noted how observant the child was. He must have her heard say the baby's name and picked up on it right away. "Well I think she's just copying him. Noah isn't really making her do anything."
Eli crouched down next to the smaller boy and smiled. "Hi Noah. Can you make her copy you again?"
Olivia stood to her feet and stayed right behind the boys as they watched every movement the chimpanzees made with fascination. She didn't know what to say to Elliot and she didn't know how to leave. Next to her Elliot cleared his throat. "So, Noah?"
She nodded. "I'm fostering him right now. Hoping to adopt him at the end of our year."
Of all people in the world Elliot knew how much she wanted a child and how good of a mother she would make. "Congratulations, Liv. I had no idea."
"Thank you. He sort of fell out of the sky."
Elliot smiled, thinking of each one of his kids. Not one had been planned for but all were welcomed happily. "The best ones do."
Olivia chuckled. "You would know." After a few more moments Olivia decided it really was time to head home. "I'm going to try to get him out of here without him having a breakdown."
"Hold on a second. Let me get this on video." Elliot really did pull his phone out.
"Are you serious?"
"Just from the fight he gave you before I can tell this is going to be good."
"You're an ass," she said loud enough that only he could hear. She knelt down next to the boys again. "Okay Noah, say bye-bye. We have to go."
He looked right at her and shook his head. "No."
Olivia laughed. "Really? That's your first word?" Noah wasn't sure why his mother was laughing but he took that as a sign he had won the fight and went back to looking at the animals. Olivia looked at Elliot, the smile still on her face. "Did that just happen?"
Elliot laughed as he pressed stop on his phone. He immediately sent her the video and then placed his phone in his pocket. "That was better than I thought."
"Me too." She stood up again. "How am I supposed to handle that one? My eleven month old just said his first word and it was to tell me 'no'. Do I discipline that?"
"I think you can let it go this time and he'll still turn out just fine."
"Wow." She reached for her phone as it signalled a message. She saw it was from Elliot and smiled. "Thank you," she said sincerely. "A perfect addition to his baby book."
"Digital baby book?"
Olivia shrugged as she went back to looking at her son. "Why not? If I printed every picture I've taken of him there wouldn't be any trees left."
"We're going to have the same problem soon."
Olivia looked at him questionably. She knew him and Kathy had divorced more than a year ago. "What?" She didn't want to assume anything. "New baby?"
He nodded. "Grandchild this time though."
Olivia couldn't help the shock that fell across her face. "What? Who? When?"
Elliot actually laughed. "Using those fine detective skills. It's Maureen. Thank God." Kathleen just wasn't at a place where she was ready yet and Elizabeth was only two years away from graduating college.
She took a moment to do some quick math in her head. Was it really possible that she was thirty years old? "Wow. Congratulations. A grandpa, huh?"
"Yeah I know. It makes me feel old, but I'm excited."
"I bet. Boy or girl?"
"Too early to tell. She's due in early April."
Eli stood up and stepped back from the wall. "Dad, I'm hungry."
Olivia glanced down when Noah grabbed onto her leg. The chimpanzees had moved on apparently. Noah wiped his face on her jeans and she reached down and picked him up. "Thanks," she said sarasically at the snot he left on her pants. She bounced her son up and down and gave him a kiss. "Can you say hi to Elliot?"
Elliot smiled brightly. "Hi Noah. You may not realize it yet, but you're one of the luckiest kids on the planet."
Noah smiled but laid his head on her shoulder. Olivia looked at Elliot. "He skipped his afternoon nap today. Too much excitement."
Elliot shrugged. "Happens. I promised dinner before I bring him back to his mom's. Do you and Noah want to join us?"
In that second she was torn between wanting to run and wanting to stay. She took a glance at her son and thought for a moment. He'd already skipped his nap that afternoon and if they went home he was going to fall right to sleep and then there would be a battle to get him down for the night. "What do you think Noah? Are you hungry?"
"Come on," Elliot decided as he reached for the stroller. "I'll buy you dinner and Eli can get to know you a bit."
"Yeah!" Eli agreed. "My dad says I'm fun."
How was she supposed to say no to that? "Okay." She shifted her son in her arms and flopped his hood over his head as he laid on her shoulder and walked with Elliot and Eli toward the exit. "Let's go get something to eat."
Eli chatted about the animals he saw that day as they walked so all Elliot and Olivia had to do was listen. By the time they got to the exit Noah was sound asleep on his mother's shoulder and Eli was still chattering away about his day.
"Come hold my hand," Elliot said to him as they approached the exit and a crowd of people.
"Daddy, I'm big now."
"Not that big. Come here." Eli huffed and reached out to put a hand on the stroller that Elliot was pushing.
Olivia reached out to them. "I can push that."
"He asleep?" Elliot nodded to the baby? When she nodded he stopped walking and moved to the side so they didn't stop the crowd. "You want to lay him down in here?"
Olivia expertly laid the baby seat of the stroller down and then placed Noah inside and covered him with a blanket. With the sun going down the warmth of the day was disappearing and leaving only the cold crispness of fall. "Maybe we should just head home."
Eli let go of his father's hand and looked at Olivia with disappointment. "You don't wanna come with us?"
Olivia looked to Elliot to save her but all she got was a shrug. She looked back at the young boy. "I do want to come but Noah is sleeping, honey."
Eli grabbed her hand and tugged. "Please. I never get to see you." Eli had heard stories of Olivia from his family but none of them was better than his birth story and aside from him, she seemed to take center stage in that particular story.
In that moment Olivia wanted to point out that that was his father's doing but she wouldn't do that. "You're right," she said instead. "Let's go eat."
"Yay!" Eli smiled at her with the same grin his father had.
Olivia gave him a small smile but looked at his father with annoyance as she reached for the handle of the stroller. Elliot looked at her as innocently as he could manage."What? I didn't do anything."
"You never do," she said as she began to walk forward.
They walked to a small family restaurant not far from the zoo. As they were seated Olivia debated about waking Noah. She knew he would be hungry but she wasn't sure waking him and taking the chance he would be cranky was worth it. She could feed him at home just as easily, but the longer she let him sleep now the harder it was going to be to get him down for the night and unlike the previous two nights she had to be up early for work the next morning.
"Can I get a cheeseburger?" Eli asked as soon as they were seated.
"Sure," Elliot said. "I think I'm going with the steak."
Olivia just smirked as she straightened up in her chair and grabbed the menu. Like father, like son. Elliot was always getting red meat and more often than not finished his meal long before she ever did hers. Then he would pick off her plate. It was probably one of the reasons she had put on a few pounds after she left. She now ate her lunch without sharing. That, and if she wanted to be completely honest with herself, age might have played a role.
"Is Noah going to eat?" Eli asked her.
"I'll wake him up after we order." She promised. "He wouldn't want to miss dinner with you." Just in the brief time they spent at the zoo together Olivia saw how much Noah was taken with Eli.
"Does he want a cheeseburger too?"
"He's not quite big enough for that yet, Sweetheart. I have some of his baby food in my bag and he'll probably eat a little bit of whatever I order."
Once the waitress came and took their orders Eli wanted to wake up Noah and Olivia told him he could do so, so he climbed out of the seat he was in on the other side of her and walked to where Noah's stroller was. Olivia and Elliot watched as Eli tried to gently wake up the baby and she couldn't help but plaster a smile across her face. He was so sweet to her son and when Noah finally did open his eyes and saw that it was Eli his little face lit up.
"Hi Noah!" Eli squealed. "You're awake! Are you hungry?"
Noah smiled at the boy and rubbed his eyes with his little fists and then babbled at Eli as he tried to sit up. He frowned when he realized he was constrained and Olivia reached in and unbuckled him and pulled him out and onto her lap. "Hi Sweet Boy," she whispered as she kissed his cheek. "I know that wasn't much of a nap but it seems like you're in a good mood." He didn't pay her much attention and focused back on Eli. He found him pretty entertaining and the young boy made him smile. Olivia looked at Elliot and shook her head. "I'm old news I guess."
"Guess so." For the first time Elliot was able to really get a good look at the baby now that he wasn't so distracted by the fact that he had randomly run into Olivia. "Hi Noah."
Noah looked up, for the first time realizing there was someone else there and decided to play shy. He leaned back against his mother and looked at Elliot with those big brown eyes. Elliot glanced up. "You sure you didn't make this kid yourself? He looks a lot like you."
"Pretty sure I would have remembered something like that."
Elliot reached out to take Noah's hand and gently rubbed his thumb across it. "You going to play shy now? I know you like to smile and you're a friendly guy. Is Mommy already teaching you about stranger danger?"
Eli looked at Olivia seriously. "You're not supposed to talk to strangers. I get in trouble for that all the time."
"No, you get in trouble for talking all the time," his father corrected. "In school, in church." He looked at his former partner. "Not sure where this one got his personality."
"Not a brooder, huh?"
Elliot ignored her and focused his attention back on her son. "You going to come say hi to me? I'm not so bad, despite what you may have heard."
Olivia was slightly offended. "He hasn't heard anything." Sometimes Elliot was so delusional in thinking her world revolved around him. Sure she had been hurt when he walked out of her life, but that wasn't because he was the center of her world. It was because she was his friend and partner of twelve years. They had gone through some terrible things together and spent countless hours stuck in squad cars over the years. And he just walked away from her without a word and cut all communication for a year. It hurt. A lot. And she may have felt the ground beneath her was a bit shaky for a while but she eventually found her footing again.
Elliot held out his hands to Noah and Noah looked up at his mom, seeking guidance. Unfortunately Noah's first five months were spent being passed around and it wasn't until recently that he began to have issues with it. Olivia was so grateful the first time he shied away from a stranger and she didn't often try to get him to trust anyone he didn't want to, but this was Elliot and as much as she sometimes hated him she trusted him more than anyone in the world.
"You want to go see Elliot?" She said to her son. "He's a nice man." She looked up. "Sometimes."
Elliot shrugged. He would take whatever digs came his way from her because he did deserve them. What he didn't deserve was for her to let him back in her life, but she had. Even if it was very distant. "You got his food? I'll feed him."
"Ohh, can I?" Eli asked. "I'm going to be an uncle so I need to get good at baby stuff."
Olivia smiled at him. "You want to use my baby as practice?"
"Yeah," he said seriously. Not picking up on her teasing.
"Okay," she laughed. She looked at Elliot and nodded to the bag that was in the basket of the stroller. "Side pocket there should be some jars of food and spoons. Grab a vegetable."
Elliot did as he was told and then reached for Noah again. "How about now? You want to come see me?"
"It's okay," Olivia encouraged and Noah leaned forward. She passed him across the table to Elliot and opened up the jar of baby food that was in front of them. "You hungry little man?"
Noah quickly warmed up to Elliot and with Eli right there feeding him and entertaining him, he was in heaven. He would smile between bites of food and jabber to Eli. It was in moments like that, that Olivia forget every bad thing she had even seen or been through and was just purely in the moment. All thanks to Noah.