Chapter 1

Arizona looked out of the window of the 747 as it peeled up into the sky exiting the Massachusetts airport with a whir and a rumble. She knew that heading back to Seattle after all this time wasn't going to make the knot she had in her stomach go away. The same knot that had lodged itself into her stomach when she had left 5 years earlier on her way away from the woman who she had wanted to spend the rest of her life with. Next to her sat the woman she had chosen instead. Rachel was that woman for her, the woman who she had met and picked to love. Two years earlier she had married her, figuring that she could replace all the pain in her heart. But Arizona was wrong, that choice had only lead to unhappiness.

Arizona set down the paper and looked at Callie. "This isn't my dream." Callie looked at her seeing the serious look behind Arizona's beautiful eyes.

"Arizona, please. Don't do this." Callie could barely get out the whisper of a plea as it lodged itself in the back of her throat. It came out barely audible. Arizona knew that if she stopped and took it all back she would regret it for the rest of her life. But she knew that this wasn't her dream, it didn't include 3 people. It was just supposed to be them together. Them and their 10 kids.

The reality was that she did regret it. She had regretted it every day for the last 5 years. Arizona resembled only the faintest part of what she had been 5 years earlier before. The fire in her had gone with the whoosh of breath that had blown out her inner candle. That breath had been the shut of the door as she walked away from their apartment.

"I can't stay here. I can't be the third wheel in a relationship from hell. Mark is the father, but if you can't put things into perspective then I'm not sure that we can do this anymore Calliope."

"Don't you Calliope me…" Callie said as she looked at the woman she loved. Watching her walk away again was too much for her.

"I can't do this if you honestly think that Mark is going to around all the time and we are going to be one big happy family. There need to be rules and schedules and even today, he wanted us to choose about the amnio earlier but I can't be put second to him because he is biologically linked to the baby growing inside of you like a mighty freaking oak!" Arizona was furious. She had come back to this. She had come back from Malawi for this. It wasn't what her dreams had looked like every night she had woken up from nightmares about Callie no longer loving her. The dream that had overcome her after the nightmare faded didn't look like this.

"Please don't leave me Arizona…" Callie said as she looked at her wishing there was some way to make her understand, some way to make her stay for her. Arizona turned back around staring at the woman who was carrying Mark Sloan's baby. It made her want to cringe. It made her want to run to her and hold her forever also, but she had a choice to make.

"I'm sorry Callie. I can't do this with you both. Not if he's going to always be the first choice. " Arizona walked to their room and grabbed a duffle back from the back of the closet. She wish more than anything she could go back before any of this, before that fateful day in the airport, before she had left her heart behind.

As soon as she walked out of the bedroom she saw Callie still sitting in the same spot, tears streaming down her face. Arizona looked at her, standing still rooted to the spot next to the door refusing to move forward. As she turned and opened the door to set her bag outside she heard a whisper.

"I love you…" Callie had gotten up and was standing there shaking with both anger and grief. "I told you that I still loved you when you came back and that I wanted to make this work, the baby, with mark and with you. And now you are leaving me here. Again. Please don't do this Arizona, I love you still."

Arizona looked at her and then shook her heard slightly, her blonde curls softly bouncing against her cheeks as she reached up and put her hair behind her ear. The lump in her throat wouldn't go away no matter how many times she tried to swallow. Was she making a mistake? Maybe. Would she regret it? Yes.

"I love you too. But this isn't what my dream looks like. My dream is just our baby and us. I'm sorry Calliope. I love you. I wont ever stop." She walked to Callie and kissed her lips softly pressing into her as gently as possible not wanting to trigger any big reactions from the love of her life. But that didn't stop it from happening, as she pressed her lips to Callie's she left Callie's arms wrap around her and pull her into an even more passionate kiss that made Arizona see stars. The urgency of the kiss overcame her and she pulled Callie closer, feeling the spark ignite the instinctive response to a kiss like this. The kiss was long, but not long enough. Almost as quickly as it came it ended. Callie pulled back and Arizona felt the tears on her cheeks that she hadn't noticed during the kiss. Slowly she pulled back too, looking at the woman who had changed her life, then took a deep breath, before turning and walking out the door.

Arizona opened her eyes. She had closed them briefly as they had climbed higher into the sky. She touched her lips slightly, wishing she could will herself back to sleep. Rachel lay with her head tilted to the right, her eyes closed as she was trying to sleep or maybe she was already asleep. Arizona thought back to the moments she regretted in life. Marrying Rachel had been one of them. The plane bounced due to turbulence and Rachel's hand grasped Arizona's on the armrest and for a brief second she felt as if Rachel needed her comfort, but as quickly as the moment occurred it was gone and Rachel sat up looking at Arizona. "I'm going to go see if I can convince the stewardess to give me one of those tiny bottles of rum right now, I don't want to wait for them to come down the stupid isles." Watching her walk away down the back of the plane Arizona let out a breath. She retreated into the memories that clouded her brain as they flew in the direction of the very place she left 5 years earlier. What was Callie like now? Was she married? Was the baby a boy or a girl? Over the years as she had remained in contact with Teddy, Lexie and Meredith she hadn't once let herself ask about the child she felt she had abandoned. Arizona fumbled inside her purse, looking for the only thing that would distract her at this moment. The gum crinkled in the tin foil of it's packaging. As she popped it into her mouth she felt relief spread through her. Nicotine had been her only savor in the past years, the only constant in her life, but a month ago when she got the invitation she had decided it was time to quit. Was it for Callie? Arizona knew better than to let that thought come across her mind, but no matter how hard she tried it was always there.

The plane landed 5 hours later. "Welcome everyone to the Seattle International Airport. Thank you for flying with us today and we hope you have a good stay wherever your destination is." As Rachel grabbed her things she shot Arizona a look that said, "you better get moving." Arizona looked up at her and shrugged her shoulders. "Arizona, when we get there please do me a favor and don't go looking for her. I don't want to be seen as the wife who can't keep a hold on her spouse just because her ex is there."

"I won't. It's not like anyone will care Rachel. We're married. And we're here for Lexie and Mark. ." Arizona looked down at her hands, wishing for hundredth time she had come alone.

They had received the invitation to the Grey/Sloan wedding in the mail a little over 3 months ago and since then Arizona had been a wreak. Rachel had noticed too. It wasn't like she was visibly showing it except that according to Rachel she was being distant, not talking, and not spending as much time on their relationship as she used to. Arizona didn't want to tell Rachel that she had noticed Rachel staying out till god knows when and then climbing into bed smelling of different perfumes. Arizona kept her mouth shut. It was easier than fighting her, except that Rachel only wanted to fight about Callie, in the past 3 months she had kept picking fights about Arizona's past. She didn't see what the giant deal was, she had known since they got married that Rachel wasn't faithful in the marriage. When they had gotten married Arizona's spirit had died with the words of I do. She had always imagined her marriage, her life, would be with Callie. But Rachel had wanted her forever and Arizona was a good man in a storm, so she did her duty and married Rachel after a good solid two years of dating. It was what was expected wasn't it? But after that day, Rachel had let a new side of herself show and it wasn't one of love and faithfulness.

Arizona began to notice that every week there was at least one night that Rachel would have to work late. But one night a week became 2, which then became 3. She would come home from her "office" drunk, always drunk. Arizona wouldn't say anything. All she would do was put her to bed and the next day pretend that nothing had happened. Her wife had a drinking problem, her wife wasn't faithful, but Arizona wasn't going to be the one to abandon her. Even if Rachel turned out to love drinking more than she loved Arizona she knew that Rachel wasn't going to be the one to leave her and she also knew in her heart she couldn't leave her wife. She was a good man in a storm. So she stayed.

Taking their bags from the baggage claim they got into a cab and drove to the hotel in downtown Seattle, The Four Seasons. Rachel wouldn't allow them to stay anywhere else. Marrying Arizona for the money also didn't seem to bother her. That night there was to be a rehearsal dinner and since Arizona wasn't in the wedding party she didn't need to be there.

Arizona grabbed onto the railing of the balcony of their room, she held tightly and breathed in the sea air that washed over her face like a wave of relief. She felt like she was home. She wondered what was happening at that rehearsal, thinking about the kids, the parents, her friends. Calliope. All she knew was that she had been dreading and anticipating the moment when she could see the gorgeous woman she had loved for so many years.