The Queen's Confusion
A trip to Mementos wasn't number one on Makoto's list of relaxing pastime. But relaxation was what she sorely needed, and she stretched herself by a train station in Mementos, trying to let go of her thoughts while concentrating on her breathing. The next day she was going to confront her friend Eiko and her mind was racing.
Eiko had been seeing a host by the name of Tsukasa, and Makoto had discovered that the guy was not worthy of Eiko's love. She had found this out thanks to the helpful co-operation of Ren Amamiya, who had turned out to be quite reliable in normal life as well. She had admired his leadership skills as Joker, but she had still been unsure of who he was as a person and if he was worthy of her attention.
Looking back to how it had started, Makoto wasn't feeling too proud of herself. She had hesitated to ask Ren to be her fake date, because she had originally felt that maybe Ren wasn't good enough — not smart enough or not hot enough — to be her fake boyfriend. She had wanted to show Eiko that she too could have a smart, handsome boyfriend. Maybe she could show such a boyfriend to Sis as well, so Makoto wouldn't have to be ashamed.
Lost in thought, she cringed at her own superficiality. Surely she was better than that — but then, why did her thoughts resemble all the things her classmates said about boys? She used to scoff at their lack of ambition and clear defects in determination and their ability to concentrate — high school was a crucial step in pursuing one's career, after all — but maybe she herself was lacking in something as well. But if superficiality was such a bad thing, she asked herself, what did she like in boys? The answer eluded her. Could she maybe read some romantic novels, for once? Could she make room for some light reading in her schedule?
Joker's voice interrupted her planning.
"Okay, let's go."
He directed the words to everyone, but to Makoto's eyes it seemed that he only looked at her when he spoke. She had to wonder why. After all, she stood away from everyone else, doing her stretches, and surely a good leader should have addressed the majority group instead of an outlier? Whatever tricks was Joker up to? Was it an inclusive manoeuver, to make her feel a part of the group?
Yes, she said to herself. He is a capable leader and surely this is no coincidence. She felt that maybe Sun Tzu had written something about it. Yes — tonight would be an opportune time to acquaint herself with The Art of War she'd been meaning to read for ages.
But now, she should focus on proving herself to be a good team mate. She now found comfort in her awkward mask, as it hid her emotions from everyone else.
Such confusion, and even insecurity.
Where did it come from?