I see the way you look at him, and wish your eyes were on me. I never accepted these feelings but now they bloom. I want to tell you I love you, but I know it's too soon.
At least the wedding hadn't been a total loss, and in all honesty Remy and Rogue were long overdue for tying the knot. Even more so than Kitty and Piotr had been, at least in Rachel's opinion. She had just never thought her opinion had mattered.
Rachel's thoughts were first and foremost on Kitty (and considering the mess her mind was lately, that was probably a good thing). Her mind filled with worry for her friend, and something not unlike relief that things were over with her and Piotr.
She had tried to avoid exactly why she'd felt that relief for a couple of weeks now, but she'd had a front row seat to Kitty and Piotr's relationship deteriorating following the wedding. They had tried to reaffirm their relationship, but Piotr had been hurt a lot more than he'd let on and Kitty's cold feet had extended far beyond the wedding itself.
Rachel spent enough time in Kitty's head to understand the gist of it. Commitment issues, some residual concern over Piotr's actions in the past, and a constant mulling over something that would require too much digging to be polite. She remembered the way she'd felt when she realized they were getting together, the jealousy when she'd pinged Kitty's mind only to find her in bed with him.
Shit.
Jealousy.
But hadn't it always been a little like that? Jealous of Piotr, of Kitty's closeness to Xi'an and Illyana, of Wisdom and Bobby and Quill. How many men had she sought the comfort of in order to avoid what Kitty meant to her. In order to avoid uncomfortable questions about her own sexuality. Like she'd been trying to prove something to herself all along.
Rachel rubbed her temple and landed on the roof. She hadn't expected there to be anyone, but she caught a familiar shape sitting on the edge of the roof, opening a bottle of whiskey.
She plopped down next to Kitty and nudged her with her elbow. "Hey."
"Hey." Kitty glanced at her, a fleeting smile crossing her face and something in her eyes that made Rachel fight every instinct to open Kitty's mind like a box.
"I take it the talk didn't go well." She gestured at the bottle, then watched as Kitty took a long swig before offering it.
Rachel took it as Kitty answered, "It's over. For real this time."
"I'm sorry, Kate." The burn of the liquor helped hide something like elation inside Rachel. Denial fell away until she was left with the only conclusion possible. She was in love with Kitty. And she always had been.
"It's all right." Kitty took a sip from the bottle, smaller this time. "I mean it's not, but it will be. I should never have let myself give into the old attraction. I knew it was bad idea the moment he moved into my old room."
"That was kind of creepy," Rachel pointed out helpfully.
"Thank you, Captain Obvious." Kitty lifted her eyes, studying Rachel's face. "You could have said something."
Rachel inhaled too quickly, whiskey going down the wrong tube and she coughed to clear her throat, "About what?"
"Me and Piotr." Kitty waved her hand, "Okay that sounds like I'm blaming you for not talking me out of something stupid."
"I've been a little preoccupied," Rachel admitted, tapping her temple. "And not as good a friend as I should be."
"You Darth Vader choked someone on my order," Kitty retorted. "That's true friendship."
"Next time I'll Vulcan nerve pinch her, just to annoy you."
Kitty elbowed Rachel, then leaned against her shoulder to shoulder. Rachel had to take another swig from the bottle before giving it back to Kitty. Her mind was racing from her epiphany. How soon was too soon, and did she really want to risk her friendship with Kitty on a rebound? And that assumed she was at all receptive to the idea.
"I kind of realized something else," Kitty said, twisting the bottle in her hand as she looked down to the ground far below. That same feeling of something being mulled over, like pages turning in Kitty's head, passed through Rachel's mind.
Unsure of where this was going, but unwilling to let Kitty feel alone, Rachel put her arm around her shoulders. "You know you can tell me anything."
"Honestly it's been at the back of my mind for years, I just never stopped and thought about it," she continued, twisting the bottle harder and faster. "I want to blame all the shit that keeps happening to us. X-Men and mutants as a whole. And while that's part of it, that's not the only thing that's kept me from really facing it."
Rachel said nothing, merely squeezing Kitty's shoulder.
"And you'd think it's not that big a deal, not in the grand scheme of things, and I'm always proud of who and what I am, but this is like adding the cherry topping on the 'things people hate me for' cake. It's why it was so hard with Xi'an and why I never..."
She turned her head to look at Rachel. "You know. I'm Jewish. A mutant. A woman. The grand trifecta of things people hate. So adding bisexual to that is just inviting trouble."
Kitty's throat closed up and she looked down, "Bisexual. I'm bi."
She exhaled, and then laughed softly, "Ray, I'm bi!"
A thousand responses ran through Rachel's mind, and while she knew Kitty would appreciate something flippant or jokey, she settled on honesty and kindness, "Feels good to say it, doesn't it?"
"Feels amazing."
Lifting her hand, Rachel brushed her fingers through Kitty's hair. The words were there, she could just say them; but she didn't want to ruin Kitty's moment. Kitty seemed so happy and relieved, that Rachel decided to keep her feelings to herself, at least for tonight.
At least that had been the idea, before Kitty's fingers tangled in her hair and she was pulled in for a kiss.
Rachel barely had a chance to enjoy it before Kitty pulled away, radiating surprise and guilt like a beacon, "Ray, I'm so sorry, oh my god I don't know where that came from."
Grabbing Kitty's arm, Rachel kissed her again. It lingered, deep and needy for a long time.
She leaned her head against Kitty's once they came up for air. She'd kissed probably as many people as Kitty had, but nothing had ever felt like this, "Probably came from the same place as that."
"I didn't phase," Kitty whispered, as if that somehow surprised her. It surprised Rachel, certainly.
"I'm just that good a kisser." Rachel ran her fingers through Kitty's hair again, missing the days when it was long and curly.
"Let's test that hypothesis," Kitty declared, and for the first time in weeks sounded more like her old self.
"Should… should we talk?" Rachel asked, hating herself for asking it but knowing she absolutely had to ask it. Was this too soon? Not soon enough? About time maybe? They'd both just broken up with men who were close friends who would undoubtedly be hurt.
Even more, Rachel was terrified of ruining their friendship, and yet she wanted nothing more then to kiss Kitty again and tell her she was the most important person in the world to her.
That she always had been.
That she always would be.
"Yeah." Kitty ran her thumb over Rachel's lip, "This is… this is something we really need to talk over. But…just one more kiss first."
Rachel all but pulled her into her lap, kissing her like it might be the last time she'd ever get to do so. Kitty's fingers tightened in her shirt, and Rachel had to still her hands before they went exploring. She broke the kiss, fixing Kitty with a raw expression, "Kitty, I can't lose you. I look at Piotr and I see how hurt he is and how hurt he's going to be for a long time…. and this isn't worth losing you over. If things don't.."
"I can't promise that everything will always be hunky dorey," Kitty admitted. "And maybe this is too soon. But… I'm not sure I care. I could give you a thousand excuses why it's not too soon, and just as many as to why it is."
"All we've done is kiss and it feels like…" Rachel shook her head, "I'm so doing this in the wrong order."
"Technically I kissed you first."
"Yeah, thanks for that." Rachel rubbed her arm. "Go out with me? On a date."
"Kurt and Piotr are going to be so hurt."
"I know," Rachel murmured, feeling the same guilt, but also resolve. "But I kind of want dibs before Illyana makes a move."
Kitty thwapped Rachel in the arm, then reached down and took her hand, "As evident by all my poor relationship decisions, I have no idea what I'm doing."
"As evident by all my poor dating decisions, neither do I," Rachel countered. She wet her lips, "You're my best friend. You mean the world to me."
"I'll… I'll tell Ororo. About the bi thing," Kitty replied. "I want her to know from me. And then we can go out on a date."
Relief washed over Rachel, "If we're lucky, we might actually get to finish dinner before something or someone attacks New York."
Kitty put her hand on her heart, "If there isn't a supervillain attack, is it really an X-man date?"