Notes by the author: This is my first ever published fanfiction! Re:Zero is worth it, it holds a very special, deeply meaningful place in my heart. I have also been reading the web novel and have tried to capture Tappei Nagatsuki's writing style in this piece, as well as incorporating my own. I have taken great care to (hopefully) maintain character integrity and in-character dialogue.
The song used in this fic is Rem's song, and I have built upon the translation of "Rem's song" provided by Pizza EX on Youtube. The goal was to fit the words to the flow of the melody while maintaining as much of the original translation as possible. What you read here is what I find kind of works if you pause in the correct spots, prolong the sounds of some words, and squint a little, hehe. Translating songs is hard! The line "In the morning light...In the evening time..." is borrowed from the English version of "Rem's song" as done by Riku Silver on Youtube. I take no credit for that one.
The story takes place an indeterminate amount of time after the events of the anime. The queen has not yet been elected, due to the..."incident" at the castle, the subjugation of the Whale, how much Anastasia and Crusch, being candidates for other domains had to do with it, as well as Emilia having saved the villagers from The Witch Cult. All these factors call for a longer process and more deliberation. In the meantime, Subaru has been made an honorary knight of the kingdom, primarily serving Emilia as well as keeping an eye on "ordinary" crime through occasional patrolling. For now, he will not be involved in most duties pretaining to the Knights of Lugunica, unless extraordinary circumstances should arise. He still works at the mansion, and looks after the health of the villagers, mostly by way of radio caliesthetics.
Ram does not appear in person, but is referenced repeatedly in very important ways, so I felt she should be mentioned in the character list.
And finally, yes! I am among those rare ones who is all for the Subaremilia OT3. :p Possibly some of this is overkill, but hey, I could see it happening, and THE BOY DESERVES IT!
I hope you enjoy! Constructive criticism is very welcome, I am passionate about writing!
Understanding
In the middle of explaining what tasks Rem was to take care of while Emilia ran some errands in town, silence quickly entered her quarters as Subaru walked in, as if it had sneakily attached itself to the heels of his shoes. Though he had mentioned before he had something he wanted to tell them, both girls looked at him attentively, somewhat surprised at his presence in that very moment. A small pile of paperwork laid on Emilia's desk, their very appearance announcing as though they had to do with the election. The thought scared Subaru – he had boldly proclaimed he was going to make Emilia the ruler, and though it was a mission from which he would not waver, he remained secretly fearful that the position of queen would leave Emilia far too busy to notice him any longer, and that at heart, she still found him too young, ignorant and meddlesome to involve in matters truly important to her. These were cowardly and ignorant thoughts, and as they emerged, Subaru tried his all to quell them, fearing they were the very source of any torment possibly befalling anyone around him. Trying to center his mind, his fingers curled into fists at his sides as he stepped forward, towards the blinding light that shone from the large window behind the girl once called Satella. Her eyes, he felt, shone brighter than any kind of star in the universe, and he was equally aware of the blue orbs that gazed his way, granting Subaru their undivided attention – bright as the summer sky.
Natsuki Subaru gulped, and spoke.
"I'm sorry to barge in here. You're both probably busy."
His fists squeezed tighter together, and determination glared in his eyes.
"I love you, Emilia. But I also love Rem. I know it's inconsiderate of me, but it's the truth."
The half-elf's gaze never shifted, her expression remaining undisturbed.
Rem, in turn, gazed at the young man with impossibly large, shock-filled eyes. Subaru was unsure her eyes had ever appeared so big before, even when he had pushed her out of the ulgarm's path, once, long ago. Lips parted in an unspoken sigh, she stood there now, arms lopped uselessly at her sides. It was so unlike her. So unprofessional. Only he had seen her act like that. Just like that, with his words, the front had fallen, and from now on there would only be one Rem, regardless of who was around. Subaru loved that – loved her – and he figured that if he never did another damned good thing in any of his lifetimes, that alone was good enough.
"I know, Subaru," Emilia said with a calm, gentle smile.
"Wh-what?! Are my shady morals that clearly visible?!" he retorted, backing away in exasperation.
The smile on Emilia's face deepened.
"You have the same experiences every time you head out to buy groceries together. That's called a "date", isn't it? And when we went to the village, Ram was there, too."
"That's not…! I mean…! Could you not make me sound so lecherous?! It's worse than anything, coming from you!"
"I have no idea what those funny words mean," she said, giggling softly. "But you did go on a date with Rem, so I know you like her. It's obvious."
A flush came over Subaru's face, and he would have gladly blamed his reaction on The Witch – or anything, really, aside from the simple fact of Emilia seeing through him so clearly, as if he was made of nothing but water.
"...An-anyway...I just thought...you both should know, so you could decide whether you want someone like me around. Emilia, if I can't be your knight after this, I understand. I messed that up to begin with, and I know the election is important to you. I won't cause any more trouble for you. That's it. I have nothing else to say. I'll get back to work now."
Lips pressed into a tight line, shoulders heaving with a heavy sigh, Natsuki Subaru turned around, glad to no longer have to face either girl. Behind him, Rem was crying now, at last; he could hear her. A sad, small smile graced his face at the thought. He could sense the innocent smiling expression laced throughout her crying whimpers.
That same silence following, the manservant of the Mather's household, Emilia's Knight, left her room, its massive wooden door slowly falling to a close.
The presence of light seemed to be an unchanging constant in all worlds, regardless of what regrettable decisions Subaru made. No. It's not as if Subaru regretted what he had said, but still he could not help thinking what a despicable character his words could display him as. He shook away those thoughts – it was already done. Now, in the late afternoon, the same light that could be seen shining from Emilia's window in the morning, shone from Rem's, quietly illuminating her activity. The recently appointed knight had allowed himself in without knocking, or even thinking of doing so. He would notice this trespassing later, and then think that perhaps being knighted has made him bold without cause.
Regardless, Rem had not been alerted of his presence, or if she had, did not make note of it until Subaru stood directly beside her, resting his weight against the desk slightly, facing in the opposite direction. Perhaps this silent acceptance was a sign of their relationship of confidance rather than his own assuming nature. The man liked to hope so, though he knew that was more than likely arrogant. Looking over, he observed that Rem was pressing flowers into a neatly kept book – pink ones, and yellow. Sensing his gaze, she immediately turned to him, hands clasping into her lap, and a serene smile worn on her face.
"Subaru," she chirped happily as most always, as if she had been blessed with a great reward for efforts she didn't think herself to have made.
"I didn't know you were interested in herbariums," he said with a smile of his own. He mused, then, that there are still many things he did not know of the girl with sky blue eyes and hair. Thinking of it like that, it was less surprising that she chose not to run away with him. She was less cowardly than he. The smile did not waver from Subaru's face, even at such thoughts.
"Is that what they are called where you are from? We call them 'erbaria'.
"Really?!" he said, with just a bit too much animation. "You'd think I'd know that by now after learning how to read and write. You shouldn't tell Ram about this! I know you adore your sister, but she can be quite mean! Considering her bond with Ros-chi, she might go as far as to get me banished from the kingdom! I'd have nowhere to go, seriously!" The tone of the speaker was exaggerated again, though it had been calm for a moment before. There was laughter hiding in his voice. He wondered where he would end up, were he to really be banished from this place. Well, no matter. The Witch had him rooted quite firmly.
Rem's smile was another continuum. "Don't worry, Subaru, I won't say a word. An exception can be made just for you." Again her face wore that exhilarant expression of encouragement, cheeks lightly flushing. The man next to her gathered that truthfully, she probably was not very interested in talking about Roswaal at the moment, however dedicated she may be.
For some time after this exchange, silence overtook the room. Subaru stretched his neck, gazing up at the room's ceiling, then the wall. Rather than being spurred by awkwardness, he was merely trying to bide time until he could come up with what to say. While Subaru wandered the pathways of his mind in such a search, Rem sat, watching him, apparently feeling no need to fill the time by returning to her hobby.
Eventually, the words spoken were simple and few. He felt it was best this way, often being misunderstood when he spoke too deeply of things. And he had a tendency to speak too much, anyway.
"Guess I was pretty horrible for saying what I did, huh?"
"Does Subaru feel that way? I was happy to hear those words. Very happy."
"No, no matter which way you look at it, it was a horrible thing to do. Even worse than trying to run away."
"That's part of why I loved those words so much," she said, and the earnest in her voice and incredibly happy expression on her face made her difficult to look at. No matter how lowly his actions, she would always see them as an effort worth praising. It made him feel ashamed somehow.
"Subaru, my greatest hero, did not run away, instead saying openly something that could be considered horrible and crude, but is actually a testament to Subaru's great heart. Subaru's heart is so big and so full of kindness that it has love for both of us. I feel extremely happy!", she said, and began to tear up again.
Such acceptance stung a bit too much, though at first glance seeming to be the best possible outcome to it all. "How can you say that? Really, I don't understand at all. If anything, it proves that I'm the worst. I made you listen to those words again. I felt I had to say it at that time for one reason or another, but I was still aware it was something only a lowlife could say. I wanted you to stop pinning your affections on me after realizing I'm not worth it." There were other reasons, of course, but Subaru did not speak them yet. "But you did something completely different, and now you're even saying you enjoy hearing those words. Seriously, what are you, a masochist? You enjoy getting hurt so much? Rem's far too cute to only fall for the jerk type. I cannot accept that." His voice now calm and thoughtful, it would have been far better suited to their conversation about plants, rather than this topic laden with emotions.
Smiling, her gaze cast in her lap, she shook her head as if amused that Subaru could come to such a silly, but endearing conclusion.
"Your words did not hurt me at all. Even back then, any pain I felt was nothing compared to the joy for my hero's pure heart. And this morning I never felt pain or sadness at all. I am happy that you love her, Subaru. And I am happy that you find me so important to you that you would face Miss Emilia and tell her that you love me. I am so happy, Subaru. My heart swells with joy...I never thought I could be this happy!" For a while, she could speak no more as tears filled and then fell from her eyes.
As Subaru listened, his mouth fell ajar and eyes widened from overwhelming surprise.
It should actually be impossible for someone to be this kind and sincere.
"Rem..."
Stepping right up close to face her, Rem, at last, stood as well, relishing the chance to be so near her love in this beautiful afternoon light. Whereever they went, it seemed, the light would follow.
"Rem…!", he said with rising emotion that was hard to explain.
Only breaths away from each other, Rem bathed in the warmth of the air that was exhaled when he said her name with so much feeling.
"You can't think that way…! It's dangerous…! You'll get hurt! Rem…!" He said her name desperately, as if that alone should be able to convey his thoughts. Longingly gazing into his eyes, the demon maid saw them begin to glaze over with tears. She knew that face well, and had heard that kind of voice before. Her hero's following words would sound like an accusation to an untrained ear. But Rem knew him too well.
"Why can't you see what you're doing?!," he wondered in despair, crying openly now. "It's wrong! It's wrong to love someone like me! I've tried so hard to make you see that! I tried so hard, but still you refuse! What's wrong with you?! How can you?! Someone like me...Rem! Rem!"
If any of it hurt her, it was only seeing her dearest love's expression contorted in pain. Taken by emotion, he swayed, stumbled and lost his footing. She was there to steady him, placing her hands gently upon his shoulders.
The small contact was more than enough. He fell forward into her comforting arms, desperately clutching at her delicate frame, fingers getting tangled up in the fabric of the maid uniform. Those long, gentle fingers that Rem adored. Just the presence of that subtle sensation was enough to send light shivers up and down the skin of her back. In the warm afternoon sunshine, she shivered, and the man she loved cried further.
"Someone like me…! A man without character…! I just let all of it happen to me, all of it! What's WRONG with me?! I should be able to choose! I should choose...It's nothing but laziness and greed! I am the worst! I've caused you and Emilia so much pain...Rem…,"
Much as he may have known he was again being weak, selfish and pathetic, relying on one who had endured so much more than him, he could not stop the incoherent wailing that emerged, nor the tears streaming down his face.
"Subaru…" Pressed against him, Rem's voice was a calm and soothing whisper.
"...You've endured so much from how you grew up…! Always living in Ram's shadow, feeling worthless because of that! After I told you that you are equals...After you began to believe in me, finally to believe in me...I just put you second again! I put you in that same place again, happily, and asked you to accept it and stay with me! Who does that…?! WHAT KIND OF MONSTER?!"
With the pain so unbearable, so incredibly crushing, sharp and suffocating, he feared he was going mad again. By now, unrestrained screams of a dying creature filled the entire space, and Subaru found himself not caring if they rang throughout the entire house.
"YOU SHOULD HATE ME, LIKE YOU DID BACK THEN! SOMEONE WORTHLESS, REEKING OF THE WITCH...I'M THE CAUSE OF EVERYTHING! EVERYTHING! IT'S MY FAULT! IT'S MY FAULT, REM!"
The task of standing having become too much, Subaru fell to his knees on the wooden floor, and Rem softly slid along with him, never letting go or uttering a complaint. Her body was pressed tightly to his, captured into an embrace into which not even a single speck of dust would fit to keep them company. He clung to her with ever increasing hopelessness, never having enough, as if attempting to fuse them together.
"Subaru...Rem's hero is mistaken. But you are squeezing me quite tightly, I can't breathe..."
It was said with a light heart and in passing, carried by a smile, looking to lighten the mood.
But in an instant, harrowing flashes of Rem being strung up on the ceiling of a cave, body twisted and contorted at impossible, gruesome angles, filled his mind and ran through it in a dizzying fog.
With a suffocated gasp, Subaru pushed her from him to see her face, eerily sobered by the haunting memory.
"I-I'm sorry! Rem, are you alright?! Are you hurt?! Does something hurt?!"
His hand ran gently and fearfully down her back, then her neck, waist and kneeling legs to check for injuries that he himself would have caused. As Betelgeuse had said, it was all his fault.
"I'm fine, Subaru," she said, a smile on her own tear streaked face, sapphire blue eyes gleaming, holding the palm of his hand as it cupped her cheek.
"But you are wrong. I have never hated you. I never could. It would be hating a part of myself. You taught me not to do that," she explained, her lips curved in blissful happiness. "I feel blessed. Thank you, Subaru. I understand you feel troubled by what you said, and many other things as well. But I can only tell you the truth from the bottom of my heart. Miss Emilia was never someone I hated. Miss Emilia is a kind, noble person, gentle and good-hearted. It's only natural that my hero would fall for someone like that. I am glad Subaru is able to give her his love. You will make her heart bloom as you have made mine. She will no longer feel alone. She'll become a great queen with you by her side. And having you hold me in your arms like this, I know what you told her is true. I don't feel second best, not when my hero is looking at me with those eyes, so much worry...and love...in his voice. I don't mind not being able to breathe. I want you to always take my breath away."
Looking at her, hearing her thoughts, it seemed he was unable to stop crying. Pulling her close, he drank in her scent and the delicate hue of blushing cheeks until a single breath lay separating them from a kiss. Subaru should feel ashamed and guilty, he knew, but in the moment of holding her this close, he could not. He wanted to stay with her, forever. His soul was already doomed from the start.
"Rem…," he uttered, voice drunk with the emotion that she had been longing to hear.
As they had once before, their foreheads rested together, and soon enough, Rem's hero was again overcome by emotion, settling into a hug, tears washing over him.
Without words, Rem understood that the decision to whom to give your first kiss must be a difficult one.
"Rem...I love you so much, Rem...I'll never let you go, I'll never, ever forget you, I swear...I need...you by my side...Rem..."
Like a small, scared animal, he shook in her arms.
"Rem...I want to make your dreams come true…! All of them…! I loved hearing about them…! But I can't...I can't forget Emilia...I want to save her...I want to be her knight...I'm so weak...REM! Rem...Please forgive me, Rem..."
It occurred to her again that her hero must be suffering at greater depths than she ever imagined, and that the more he thought things over with the intent of improving them, the more he agonized over what was in his heart. Such a thought hurt her greatly, and she would have given a piece of her soul away in order to banish that pain in Subaru's heart.
But as he would not stop weeping, she could only think of one thing, the one that would make her happiest, were she in his place.
Her head resting in the ruffled softness of his black hair, she pulled him closer still, gently rocking back and forth.
In the early morning light,
our eyes gently open
and suddenly I feel the urge
to simply chat the whole day away…
On a clear afternoon, you take my smaller hand in yours
and we'll take a little stroll going through this very quiet town…
It's such a simple thought,
and yet it fills my heart
Just to have you here means I won't fall apart
with you by my side from the start
In the morning light...In the evening time...
I have so many things I wish that I could say to you…
For today, and tomorrow too…
If I could just tell you - ' Oh, I love you so...'
At some point during her comforting song, the door to Rem's room was opened slightly, violet eyes curiously gazing and her soft voice unintentionally cutting in.
"Rem? I heard loud noise coming from here, so I thought I'd che - "
To say that Emilia was shocked at the sight before her would be an understatement. On the floor in front of her writing desk, Rem sat, gently turning towards the sound of the other's voice. As she did so, her lips were graced with another tender smile. Cradled in her arms, clinging to her chest, was Natsuki Subaru, drowning in tears.
"Rem? Subaru? What happened? Is he hurt?!" Anxiety flooded the silver-haired woman's voice, and she was soon by their side. Filled with worry, she looked to Rem for answers, as the one she cradled seemed unable to speak.
Rem's voice was a hush, a half-whisper adjusted to not scare the wounded animal she held in her arms – yet somehow, still reassuring.
"Yes, Miss Emilia," she said sweetly, reaching out a hand for her to come closer.
"Subaru is hurting a little bit. He needs us right now. He is very strong, but sometimes needs some help."
After the slightest of hesitations, which Rem spotted and understood all too well, Emilia took hold of the offered hand, and in her thoughts found herself surprised at just how warm it was.
Gaze fixed on her, Rem could see the other woman still hesitate in reaching out to him, and she nodded to her in encouragement. You could lose a lot just by hesitation.
"Go ahead, Miss Emilia. It would make him very happy, I know it would. He needs you."
Said in that soft and soothing voice, Emilia suddenly understood better than ever before why Rem and Subaru had grown so close. Trusting in Rem's words, she leaned close and, like once before, whispered softly in his ear.
"Subaru. I'm glad you are my knight. I'm sorry I hurt you."
No words had fallen from his lips until then, only agonized cries, and the occasional calling of both of their names. At hearing her own, the half-elf could not help but feel partially guilty.
As these new words penetrated his consciousness, a choked back cry emerged from the confines of Subaru's throat, and again he spoke her name.
"Emilia…
….I wish I was dead."
At such a horrific revelation, both girls cried out in fear.
"Subaru!"
At that moment, Emilia thought she would quite like to see Subaru's foolish antics at the castle again, if only he'd never say those horrific words. She didn't want to be alone. And, difficult as it was to understand, Subaru stood by her side more than anyone, with the possible exception of Puck.
Still, right now she could think only of her knight. Overcome with the strength of her emotions far more than she ever thought possible, Emilia pressed herself tightly against his back, finding comfort in the reliability and strength that in the end, was always there to save her. Cheek resting against the fabric of his clothes, she softly wept, asking him to not leave her alone.
At that moment, Rem felt more fear than she ever had in her life. It was the fear of having seen her parents perished in fire, her sister mutilated by murderers, fear of the ulgarms harming Subaru, of the White Whale, all multiplied and magnified. As if she had swallowed rocks, an indescribable horror sat in the pit of her stomach. She pulled Subaru closer, this time being the one to wish she could fuse them together, never to part or perish.
Yet, Rem knew all too well there were duties to fulfill that could not, selfishly, be pushed on someone else. More than ever, she needed to be strong.
Calming her senses, her tender voice continued to fill the afternoon air, bringing more peace than she would dare to imagine.
Neither of them knowing how it came to be, soon enough the maid heard another quiet voice join her own.
For the first time in her life, she felt no competition with the woman by her side. Being this way was a comfort, after all. To Subaru, to Emilia...and perhaps even to herself.
Should the night reach this place
where stars are seen high above
until we fall asleep, I want to stay right here by your side
Just to lay where you can reach
is so dear to me...
The sound of your voice, the touch of your skin on mine,
is something I'll treasure for all of time
Because
endlessly, on and on,
no matter how many times
I call your name, it's not enough
Morning light… And evening time...
If it could be just us
ah, wouldn't that be nice...
And when we're hurt,
let's watch the flowers bloom in the lovely warmth of spring
And when we're sad I'll simply make you laugh, we'll think of funny things
Brush my hair…Hold me close, run your thumb across my cheeks, oh...
and even my gloomy heart will surely, surely miss a beat...
Because every dawn...every dusk…
I have so many dreams that I wish would come true…
Morning light...Or evening time...
If I could let you know
'Oh, you make me smile'
Wouldn't that be nice…?
At long last, a profound silence befell the small room, as piercing as had been the cries of Natsuki Subaru. Only the sleeping face that accompanied it served as a familiar comfort to both girls.
While the sunshine outside took on its richer, more vibrant evening colors, Rem and Emilia allowed their own souls to rest. Watching over him, they caressed the sleeper's hair and face. Occasionally, their gazes rose to meet each other, expressing traces of unspoken worry.
Where would they go from here? How much longer would he be able to carry this burden, the weight of it rippling, until like a wave, it hit the hearts of both girls?
For the time being, more urgent matters would come to call as a different sort of ache began to exact its toll. Both girls realizing they could no longer bear to sit on their knees, Rem shifted, readying herself ever so gently, but with a decisive firmness.
Looking at the other, in that very moment Emilia had no doubts that demons were much stronger than any half-elf could be. Even if they only had one horn.
When she spoke to Rem, her voice was a barely audible whisper.
"I want to help," her peach-colored lips mouthed gently.
"It's alright, I can manage," Rem assured her yet again, lips curved into another smile. Rather than looking down on the lady of the mansion, the head maid found a task of heavy lifting was not dignified enough for someone of Emilia's position.
"Please allow me to help. I want to repay all the things he has done for me," she explained, her voice still a barely audible hush. Seeing such determination, naturally, Rem conceded. She did not know much about many things, but she figured this sort of dedication was the reason behind Emilia competing for the position of queen. And so, with united forces and not much ceremony, Emilia-tan's best knight was carried to the bed, where his head lay still in Rem's lap, the girl's legs still curled close to her body. In spite of herself, she would always look out for him, working hard to keep him close. For just one moment more.
In contrast with both the maid's thoughts and composure, Emilia's own presence on the bed was almost apologetic, as if suddenly her presence in the room could have become as unwanted as it remained in much of the kingdom. What she should do. Where she should go. She did not like to think of those things. Instead, she leaned over Subaru's sleeping frame, her fingers carefully drawing lines across his face. Somehow, by just that small action, everything had become okay. She could figure out the answers later. For now, this was enough.
As she realized this, the tears that didn't fall glinted in her eyes. It would be far too self-serving for her to cry. For now, this was enough.
By the time Subaru opened his eyes, the sun had nearly been swallowed by the horizon, the room they were in illuminated by the light of a single, warmly glowing lamp.
Drowsily, his consciousness absorbed the hazy image of Rem above him, and he became aware of the sensation of his head being safely nestled in her arms. As always, under his gaze her lips were graced with the adoring smile that only he could receive.
Gaze shifting slightly, Subaru saw the most beautiful fairy he had ever met. Petting his cheek, she too wore a smile, though it looked as if she had been crying.
"My knight is a sleepy boy," she said, softly reprimanding.
"It's almost dark outside."
He looked up again, where Rem's blue eyes looked back.
"Emilia...Rem…?" he wondered, drifting seamlessly between clarity and the unconsciousness of sleep.
"Did I die…? How did I end up in Heaven…? Shouldn't everything have reset? Well, I suppose I don't even know where that would put me right now…," he concluded, and with a contented smile, closed his eyes for a little while more.
It was the sort of embarrassing, silly dribble they could expect from him, always trying to put on a show.
Then, in a single minuscule instant, both women froze, their eyes fixed on the man that had spoken, before once more turning to each other, stunned and confused.