SEINFELD
"The Bus"
Written by Martin A. Stihec
TEASER
FADE IN:
Opening monologue
JERRY
The bad thing about television is that everybody you see on television is doing something better than what you're doing. You never see anybody on TV, like, just sliding off the front of the sofa with potato chip crumbs on their face. Some people have a little too much fun on television. The soda commercial people – where do they summon this enthusiasm? Have you seen them? "We have soda! We have soda! We have soda!" Jumping, laughing, flying through the air. It's a can of soda. Have you ever been standing there, you're watching TV and you're drinking the exact product that they're advertising right there on TV? And it's like, you know, they're spiking volleyballs, jet skiing, girl is bikinis.. And I'm standing there, "Maybe I'm putting too much ice in mine."
On this, we
FADE OUT:
END OF TEASER
ACT ONE
EXT. NEW YORK – BUS STATION – NIGHT
GEORGE, JERRY, KRAMER and ELAINE are sitting on a waiting bench – in that order. Kramer is drinking a soda, Elaine is looking around the place, Jerry is reading a newspaper, and George is staring at his watch and shaking his head impatiently. The only light we see is coming from streetlights. The place isn't very crowded.
GEORGE
Who is this guy we're going to see anyway?
JERRY
Remember like seven years ago when I took the subway to Coney Island?
GEORGE
Seven years ago?
(grunts)
I can't even remember what I had for breakfast; how am I supposed to remember what happened seven years ago?
JERRY
C'mon, sure you remember. Elaine went a lesbian wedding, Kramer won eighteen grand at the races, and you came back naked from a job interview.
GEORGE
Alright, alright, enough already, I remember.
JERRY
He was the guy I talked to on the train.
ELAINE
The naked guy?
JERRY
Yeah, the naked guy. Apparently he's lost some weight since then.
GEORGE
When's the bus gonna get here? We've been waiting an hour and a half already. Why can't we just drive?
JERRY
Are you crazy? I'm not driving four hours straight at this time a night.
GEORGE
Hey, we're all sitting next to each other on the bus right?
JERRY
Yeah.
GEORGE
Good. I hate sitting next to people I don't know on public transportation.
Kramer leans over Jerry and hands his drink out to George.
KRAMER
You want a drink?
GEORGE
No thanks; I'm good.
KRAMER
You sure; it's very refreshing.
Jerry starts getting annoyed at the awkward position Kramer has put him in.
GEORGE
I'm sure.
KRAMER
Just a sip.
GEORGE
Kramer I don't want any.
KRAMER
I guarantee you'll like it.
George shakes his head.
KRAMER
What's the matter with you?
GEORGE
No.
Jerry runs out of patience and pushes Kramer back to his side.
JERRY
Oh, just move back.
Kramer spills his soda all over George's shoes as Jerry pushes him back.
GEORGE
What're you doing?! You spilt your drink all over my shoes – these are brand new!
KRAMER
It wasn't my fault; Jerry pushed me.
GEORGE
(to Jerry)
Why did ya have to push him?! My feet are gonna be soaking wet all night now! The bus'll be freezing cold…
ELAINE
Just take your shoes off and let'em dry until the bus…
The bus arrives and the doors open.
ELAINE (Cont'd)
… Gets here.
GEORGE
(sarcastically)
Oh, that's great! Now it comes. Ho ho.
JERRY
Well… we'd better get on.
Jerry, Elaine and Kramer get up and walk into the bus. George looks around – frustrated for a beat, and then gets up and into the bus as well.
INT. BUS – NIGHT – CONTINUOUS
Jerry, George, Kramer and Elaine are walking down the bus. There are over a dozen rows of two seats either side of the narrow walkway they're in. The bus is almost chockablock full.
JERRY
I'm not seeing any free seats next to each other George.
GEORGE
Oh no.
KRAMER
I'm getting one up front; maybe they'll put on a movie.
JERRY
Kramer its eleven o'clock, they're not gonna put on a movie – people are trying to sleep.
MAN ON BUS #1 (OS)
Yeah, they are. So why don't you sit down and shut up.
Kramer takes a seat on the window side up front next to an OLD MAN – accidentally kicking him in the leg on the way to the window seat.
ELAINE
Well I'm sitting down the back; that's where all the heat's going. That's where you should sit if you don't want to get cold feet George.
GEORGE
I can't sit at the back of buses; it's too far away from the driver.
ELAINE
So?
GEORGE
What if I get into a fight or someone tries to stab me with a knife?
JERRY
What's the bus driver going to do to stop it? Even if he wanted to help he couldn't; he's too busy driving the bus.
GEORGE
It just makes me uncomfortable, okay?
ELAINE
Well… See ya in four hours I guess.
JERRY
Bye Laine.
Elaine walks to the back of the bus and OFF SCREEN just as the bus starts moving. Jerry starts to sit down in one of the empty seats when George holds him back.
GEORGE
What are you doing?
JERRY
I'm sitting down.
GEORGE
Why are ya sitting here?
JERRY
Why wouldn't I sit here?
GEORGE
I thought we could find two aisle seats next to each other and sit in them.
JERRY
What would be the point? We couldn't actually talk to each other.
GEORGE
Why not?
JERRY
Distance.
GEORGE
Distance? What do ya mean?
JERRY
The distance from one aisle seat to the other is too great. We'd have to talk louder than is usually acceptable to hear each other.
GEORGE
What?? Take a look at how narrow the aisle is. It couldn't be more than half a meter wide. Are you telling me we'd have to yell from that far away?
JERRY
I didn't say we'd have to yell. I said we'd have to speak louder than is usually acceptable.
GEORGE
How loud is usually acceptable.
JERRY
The level we're talking at now. Not quite a whisper but not as loud as we'd normally talk if we were eating lunch at the Coffee shop.
GEORGE
Where do you come up with this stuff? Either you're whispering, talking normally or shouting. There aren't any in-betweens.
JERRY
So, you're saying that there're only three voice tones in the entire human sound spectrum? You're insane.
GEORGE
No. I'm saying that, although there are many tones, they all fall under three categories; whisper, normal, and shout.
JERRY
Look, George, I'm not arguing with you anymore. The bus is moving and I've chosen a place to sit… end of story.
GEORGE
Oh, fine – I know when I'm not welcome.
JERRY
Then why are you always there.
GEORGE
(sarcastically)
Funny guy!
George moves a few rows down and sits next to an OLD LADY on the aisle side. Jerry sits down in the aisle seat he was about to sit in before, next to a twelve year old BOY.
JERRY AND BOY
JERRY
Hey.
BOY
(mimicking Jerry)
Hey.
JERRY
Where're ya headed?
The Boy shrugs his shoulders.
JERRY
Your parents on the bus?
The Boy shrugs his shoulders.
JERRY
So, how about those Knicks?
The Boy shrugs his shoulders.
JERRY
Well it's been great chatting with you but I think I'll take a nap now, okay?
The Boy shrugs his shoulders again and Jerry leans back in his chair – closing his eyes.
KRAMER AND OLD MAN
Kramer holds his hand out to the Old Man.
KRAMER
Hi, I'm Cosmo Kramer.
OLD MAN
Douglas Morton. I'd shake your hand –
The Old Man raises his right arm – which has no hand attached to it!
OLD MAN (Cont'd)
But I lost it in World War II.
Kramer notices the missing hand and, with one of his unique Kramer movements, pulls back and dongs his head on the window.
ELAINE IN A BACK ROW
She is sitting on the window side with a WOMAN sitting next to her. Elaine sniffs – smelling something.
ELAINE
Excuse me. Do you smell that?
WOMAN
Yes. It smells horrible.
ELAINE
What is that?
A FAT MAN walks out of the toilet – which is only five feet away from Elaine.
ELAINE
Oh my god!
WOMAN
I think I'm going to be sick.
Elaine takes her brown sick bag out from the back of her seat and starts breathing into it.
GEORGE AND OLD LADY
George is shuddering, holding his arms together trying to stay warm.
GEORGE
Ah, Ma'am, would mind terribly if I turned on the heat?
OLD LADY
Oh, aren't you a gentleman; asking so politely.
George reaches up to turn the air conditioning on.
OLD LADY
Yes I do mind.
George holds back a harsh word.
GEORGE
But I'm very cold. My friend spilt his drink on my shoes and feet are soaking wet.
OLD LADY
I'm sorry, but I'm rather warm.
GEORGE
I'll only turn it on on my side.
OLD LADY
No; the breeze will keep me awake all night.
GEORGE
C'mon, I'm freezin' my toes off here.
OLD LADY
I said no.
A beat passes…
GEORGE
Ho ho!
George lowers his arm – giving up.
KRAMER AND OLD MAN
KRAMER
When're they gonna put the movie on?
OLD MAN
Movie? They're not putting on a movie. They put one on at eight thirty.
KRAMER
What, they're only showing it once – that's it? What about people who get on after eight thirty? Do they just miss out?
OLD MAN
I guess so.
KRAMER
Well that doesn't sound right.
OLD MAN
Eh, what are ya gonna do?
KRAMER
I'll tell you what I'm gonna do; I'm gonna talk to the driver – that's what I'm gonna do.
OLD MAN
What?? You can't talk to the driver – he's busy driving the bus.
KRAMER
I'm going – I'm doing it.
Kramer gets up and moves past the Old Man to the aisle – kicking his legs again on the way. Kramer walks up to the BUS DRIVER.
KRAMER
Hey, excuse me.
BUS DRIVER
Yes?
KRAMER
Ah, my friend and I were wandering when you were planning on putting the movie on?
BUS DRIVER
Movie? Na, I already played the movie four hours ago.
KRAMER
Yeah, but I only got on an hour ago.
BUS DRIVER
So?
KRAMER
So I didn't see it. I would like to see it.
BUS DRIVER
Well I can't put it on now; people are sleeping.
KRAMER
What movie was it?
BUS DRIVER
"Demolition Man."
KRAMER
What was it about?
BUS DRIVER
They freeze this guy and wake him up in the future to track down this criminal.
KRAMER
Why did they do that?
BUS DRIVER
Why did they freeze him or why did they unfreeze him?
KRAMER
Why did they unfreeze him.
BUS DRIVER
Because, in the future, the world has no violence and the only way they can think of to track down a violent criminal is to wake up a violent cop.
KRAMER
Who's in it?
BUS DRIVER
Wesley Snipes and Sylvester Stallone.
KRAMER
You know, that doesn't sound too bad.
BUS DRIVER
Oh it was great. A box-office hit.
(beat)
Hey, I'm sorry I can't play again.
KRAMER
Yeah.
Kramer walks back to his seat and sits down – kicking the Old Man in the legs on the way back… again.
OLD MAN
So, what did he say?
KRAMER
Yeah, he wouldn't put it on.
OLD MAN
I told ya.
KRAMER
Yeah, yeah, I know.
On this, we
FADE OUT:
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
JERRY AND BOY
Jerry is sleeping and the Boy is just sitting in his seat staring at the back of the seat in front of him. The bus hits a bump which wakes up Jerry.
JERRY
How long was I out?
The Boy just shrugs his shoulders… again.
JERRY
So… you into sports? Football? Baseball? Hockey? Tennis?
(beat)
Candy? You like candy? I loved candy when I was your age.
(beat)
Okay, so you don't like candy. What do you like?
(beat)
How about girls? Are you into girls yet?
(beat)
I know, Superman. C'mon ya gotta Superman! Who doesn't like Superman?
(beat)
You have to like something.
(beat)
Just talk to me!
ELAINE AND WOMAN
Both are now breathing into their sick bags.
ELAINE
I can't stand it anymore.
WOMAN
I know; it's getting worse.
ELAINE
That's it, I'm moving.
WOMAN
Me too.
They both get up and walk further up the bus.
ELAINE
Oh god, there aren't anymore seats!
Both Elaine and the Woman see an empty aisle seat ahead of them. They both sprint for it but the Woman gets.
ELAINE
Dammit!
Elaine walks to the front of the bus and up to Jerry.
ELAINE
Jerry, you want to switch seats with me?
JERRY
What, and sit near the toilet? No thank you.
ELAINE
Please Jerry. Pleeeeeaaaasssse!
JERRY
I'm sorry.
ELAINE
I feel like I'm going to throw up back there, and there aren't any other seats on the bus.
JERRY
That's a shame.
GEORGE AND OLD LADY
George is still shuddering. He looks over to the Old Lady and sees that she's asleep.
GEORGE
Thank god.
George reaches up and turns the air conditioning on.
GEORGE
(warming up)
Oh yeah, that's it.
The air conditioner starts making a clanging noise.
GEORGE
What's going on here?
The air conditioner stops.
GEORGE
Oh, I don't believe this.
George starts hitting the air conditioner to make it work again – unsuccessfully.
GEORGE
C'mon! C'mon!
MAN ON BUS #2 (OS)
Hey, keep it down; we're trying to sleep back here!
Elaine walks up to George.
ELAINE
Hey George, want to switch seats?
GEORGE
Are you kidding?
ELAINE
(disappointed)
Fine, forget about it.
GEORGE
You want to sit up here in the cold while I sit back there in all the heat??
ELAINE
(realization)
Oh – oh yeah George, it's really stinkin' hot back there.
GEORGE
(excited)
Let's go.
George gets up and moves down the bus. Elaine sits down and lets out a sigh of relief.
KRAMER AND OLD MAN
OLD MAN
His name was Charles Bradley; he was our squadron's commanding officer. I swear, some days knowing that man was like living in a nuthouse. He would always order us to take off our socks whenever we went into battle.
Kramer takes a large packet of Skittles from his jacket and struggles to open them – not paying any attention to what the Old Man is saying.
OLD MAN (Cont'd)
He also tried to see us naked all the time when we bathed. He ordered us the let him touch places on our bodies – private parts, if you catch my drift. At the time we didn't think we had much of a choice. I remember once when I refused to let him –
Kramer finally opens the Skittles and starts listening to the Old Man.
OLD MAN (Cont'd)
Touch my willy.
Kramer is shocked and accidentally throws his Skittles everywhere.
GEORGE MOVING THROUGH THE BUS
George finally reaches the end and sees not one but two empty seats. George moves in and lies down in the seats with his hands behind his head and a smile on his face. A beat passes. George starts sniffing – smelling something.
GEORGE
(revolted)
What the hell is that??
ELAINE AND OLD LADY
Elaine takes a Walkman out of her purse, puts in the earphones, and turns it on – waking the Old Lady up.
OLD LADY
Uh, excuse me.
ELAINE
(talking louder to get over the music she hears)
Yeah.
OLD LADY
What happened to the bald man who was sitting here?
ELAINE
Oh, we just switched seats.
OLD LADY
Well I'm trying to sleep and the noise coming from your portable record player is keeping me awake. Could you…
ELAINE
Sure, I'll turn it down.
The Old Lady closes her eyes again for a beat, and then opens them again.
OLD LADY
I can still hear it.
ELAINE
I'm sorry but it's down as low as it can go.
OLD LADY
Then turn it off.
ELAINE
But I want to listen to it.
OLD LADY
Well I don't. So, turn it off.
ELAINE
No.
OLD LADY
How rude.
A beat passes.
OLD LADY
I can't take it anymore! I'll turn that damn thing myself!
The Old Lady reaches over, grabs the Walkman and pulls it towards her! Elaine screams when she's pulled in along with it by her earphones.
JERRY AND BOY
By now Jerry is desperately trying to get this kid to talk.
JERRY
Just one word – that's all I'm asking for. Can you say one word to me – just one word??
A woman – the Boy's MOTHER walks over to Jerry and the Boy.
MOTHER
Casi hemos alcanzado el término de autobuses Marco.
BOY
Bueno, este individuo realmente ha sido molesto yo? ¡él no cerraría para arriba!
MOTHER
Usted puede sentarse con mí si usted desea.
BOY
Cerca del cubo de la mierda! Ningunas gracias.
MOTHER
El pozo me dejó saber si usted cambia su mente.
BOY
Sí.
By now Jerry has realized the Boy doesn't speak English! You can imagine the look on his face.
GEORGE LYING DOWN
George sees a MAN walking out of the toilet and realizes where the smell is coming from.
GEORGE
(sarcastically)
Great.
Kramer walks up to George.
KRAMER
Hey George, you mind if I sit here with you.
GEORGE
Why? What's wrong with you're seat?
KRAMER
Ah, this old guy I'm sitting next to is a perv; trying to get me to touch his willy.
George thinks about which is worse, sitting next to a toilet or a perv. But then he smells the toilet again and his mind is made up.
GEORGE
Sure, you can have both.
George gets get and out of the seats.
KRAMER
Thanks buddy.
GEORGE
Don't mention it.
George moves to Kramer's old seat – which the Old Man is now unconscious on. George looks annoyed and taps the man's shoulder.
GEORGE
Excuse me, sir.
A beat passes. George starts shaking him gently.
GEORGE
Hey, excuse me.
A beat passes. George starts shaking him harder to wake him up. The Old Man's leg falls off Kramer's seat and his arms start to dangle around. George looks concerned and feels for a pulse. By the look on his face we can tell he doesn't have one!
Kramer walks up to George.
KRAMER
Hey George, I'm not sitting back there; it stinks!
Elaine walks up behind Kramer
ELAINE
Kramer, want to switch seats; this old bitch just broke my Walkman!
Jerry walks up behind Elaine – forming a follow-the-leader type of line.
JERRY
Elaine, you wouldn't believe what just happened to me.
KRAMER ELAINE JERRY
Where am I gonna sit now! Hey Jerr, this bitch just – So I was talking to –
BUS DRIVER
Keep it down back there!
They all fall silent. George is frozen – in shock.
KRAMER
Well move him over George; I guess I'll have to sit back here.
GEORGE
I think he's…
JERRY
What?
GEORGE
You know… dead.
ELAINE
Dead?
GEORGE
He doesn't have a pulse.
KRAMER
Maybe he's just had a stroke. George, get him some water.
GEORGE
Where am I gonna get water?
JERRY
There has to be a sink in the toilet.
GEORGE
Okay, I'll check.
George moves past Kramer, Elaine and Jerry and down the bus to the toilet. George goes in the toilet and comes back out with a hand full of water. A TOUGH GUY gets out of his seat just as George passes and accidentally collides with him – spilling the water all over the Tough Guy's shirt and pants.
TOUGH GUY
Hey, what do you think you're doing!
GEORGE
Oh, I, um, I'm terribly sorry. I was taking water back to one of…
The Tough Guy stands up in front of George with a confrontational look to him. George knows he's got himself into trouble and starts to walk backwards – away from the Tough Guy. The Tough Guy follows George.
GEORGE
(to front of the bus)
Help! Mr. Bus Driver!
The Tough Guy starts to move faster and George makes a run for it further down the bus!
On this, we
FADE OUT:
END OF ACT TWO
TAG
FADE IN:
CLOSING monologue
JERRY
It's that little bit of arrogance in the medical community, I think we could all live without. Like when you go to see the doctor, you don't see the actual doctor first... you must wait in the waiting room. There's no chance of not waiting, that's the name of the room. And you sit there, you pretend you're reading your little magazine, you're actually looking at the other people. "I wonder what he's got... that guy is a goner...". Then they call you, get excited when they call you, because you think now you're gonna see the doctor. But you're not. Now you're going into the next, smaller, waiting room, now you don't even have your magazine. Now you got your pants around your ankles, you're sitting on that butcher paper they pull out over the table... sometimes I bring a pickle with me and I put it next to me right there on the table. I don't know... in case the doctor wants to fold the whole thing up, for a "to go" order.
On this, we
FADE OUT:
END OF TAG