Leela walked through the front door only to be met with silence; the house was empty, she suspected Tegan and Peri were both in bed now, after all it was nearly midnight.
The night events were some that she wished she could forget, wished that she could change, but she couldn't and that thought alone made her want to cry; cry for herself, for her daughter and for her sister.
This is your fault.
I hate you.
I wish it was you in the crash.
The words of her daughter rang in her ears as she slowly entered the cold, empty house; this house no longer feels like home she thought letting out a humorous chuckle, why was she laughing, none of this was funny, her Mum and Dad dying, her brother in hospital for attempted suicide, her daughter up there hating her, and it was all her fault.
Staring at her own reflection in the mirror she saw someone she didn't recognise; skin as pale as a ghost, red, puffy eyes and dried mascara tracks running down her cheeks; she looked a mess, her life was a mess and only she was to blame.
This is your fault.
I hate you.
I wish it was you in the crash.
Again the words of her daughter floated around her scrambled mind Your fault. Your fault. Your fault.
"My fault" she whispered to her reflection as she felt a burst of pained anger take over her defeated body.
I wish it was you in the crash.
I wish it was you in the crash.
I wish it was you in the crash.
The hatred in Peri's voice echoed in her ears.
She let out a strangled sob as she slammed her head forward, hitting it over and over again until the mirror in front of her broke from the impact.
Blood trickled from her head as she looked at the damage she had caused, broken glass lay on the ground in front of her, her head stung as the blood slowly dripped down her forehead, but it was only what she deserved, or so she thought... She had no one, her Mum and Dad had gone, her daughter hated her and her sister no doubt hated her now because of what she did to poor Ste, how was she to know he was going to attempt something so stupid? But it was a cry for help, he just wanted to be loved and wanted, in many ways her and Ste were the same, maybe that was why she disliked him so much, because he was a threat, someone who could ruin the perfect family picture she painted in her head.
She was to blame according to Peri, and she was starting to believe it; Ste, their Mum and Dad, it was all her doing; she was selfish, she deserved all the pain she felt I'm no better than a murderer she thought to herself; Peri was right.
The tears started falling; finally, she hadn't cried when she heard about her Mum and Dad; one tear, that was all, then she put on a brave face; put up the walls, it's what she did best.
The careless words she said to Ste came back to her causing more tears to cascade down her mascara stained cheeks, the words she said out of anger, hurt and pain at losing her beloved parents, especially her Dad; she was always Daddy's little girl growing up and now he was gone; never coming back.
Never coming back. Never coming back her mind repeated it over and over again Never coming back then Peri's words came blaring in This is your fault. I hate you. I wish it was you in the crash.
Ignoring her bloody head she looked around the house feeling the emptiness, she didn't know what to do, she was emotional exhausted but she didn't want to sleep.
Without much thought she walked upstairs quietly, making sure not to wake baby Rose or Peri, she silently made her way to her room.
As she was making her way to her room she noticed Peri's door was not shut all the way so she pushed it open slowly, being careful not to wake her, she crept in the room and knelt down beside her bed, watching her daughter sleep; her face was so relaxed and carefree, she had this innocence that broke Leela's heart, she wished this could all be a bad dream; she realised now that Peri didn't want her as a Mum and who could blame her.
Leela was on a path of self-hatred; the words of her daughter were harsh but they were true; everything that happened to this family was her fault; these thoughts clouded her mind as she watched her peaceful daughter sleep, reaching out, she lightly stroked her cheek and brushed some hair away from her eyes being careful not to disturb her from her slumber.
"I know you hate me" Leela whispered softly as she stared at her daughters sleeping form "I hate me too" she continued in a whisper as she stroked her daughters soft cheek, Leela wondered how someone so innocent could be hers; she didn't deserve her.
A silent tear slide down Leela's cheek which she quickly wiped away "Sorry, I'm so sorry baby girl, I never wanted any of this"
A mumble came from Peri's sleeping figure which alerted Leela; she had woken her.
Quickly getting to her feet she walked to the door but a quiet yet clear voice stopped her.
"I'm sorry" said a sleepy Peri as she clumsily sat up and put her bedside lamp on.
Their eyes met and suddenly Peri started crying.
Leela was by her daughter's side in no time, trying to offer her comfort, but she knew she could never offer the comfort that her own mother could; Peri's 'mum'; the only person Peri would ever see as her Mum.
She remembered the words Peri spoke when she found out that she was her Mum; You're my big sister and that's all you'll ever be.
This is your fault.
I hate you.
I wish it was you in the crash.
Leela just wanted to be a Mum to her little girl.
She slowly took her daughter in her arms and hugged her closely, trying to soothe her cries.