TITLE : The Chaos Logic
AUTHOR : Etrangere
RATING : PG-13
SPOILERS : Up to Normal Again
SUMMARY : Strange dreams plague Buffy, depriving her of her strength and energy. Spike gets to help.
NOTE : To my betas Rahael, Liquidram and Lock5.
DISCLAMER : Don't own the world, don't own the characters, ME and Joss Whedon and UPN does. We are but their sorry slaves. Don't sue me, ô Masters !
Chapter one : And dreams are only dreams
¿Qué es la vida? Un frenesí.
Qué es la vida? Una ilusión,
sombra, una ficción,
el mayor bien es pequeño;
que toda la vida es sueño,
y los sueños, sueños son.
Calderòn
When she was a little girl, her mother would tell her some fairy tales before sleep, to her and her sisters. She liked those tales, but the ending was never right.
When she was sleeping, she often dreamt of fairies, and dragons, and knights and angels with firey swords. And her dreams were always true. That's how she knew the true ending of the stories.
Because what her mother would never tell, after the "and they lived happily ever after", is what really happened to the princesses and the shepherds after they beat the ogres and the witches. No, her mother would never tell it, but the dreams and the stars and the Kobolds in their black holes would always whisper it to her, smiling their teethful smiles.
The victims shall become the monsters, then.
***
Buffy never thought you could get used to the taste of tears so quickly. Now, that bitterness on her lips every morning was so familiar, she didn't even start which was good ; she had no time for it. No time to feel unhappy and scared. There were chores to be done, and Dawn to be taken care of, and work to do, and slaying, and lots, lots of smiles to smile to customers and friends and strangers. Sometimes the taste of smiles on hers lips were even more bitter than the taste of tears.
She would not linger in sleep and fuzzed dreams. She would keep going, she would keep walking. If she stopped, she was lost. No more.
No more stopping, no more rest.
I will rest when I'm dead. Now that was funny.
"Would you like some fries with that ?"
No more attempts to kill her friends or to dive into a blissful delusion. No more wild sex with the blood-sucking fiend.
"Would you like a stake with that ?"
She didn't think the vampire appreciated the humor of that, but then again, they seldom did.
"You seem a bit out of sorts, Buffy, did you hear what I said ?"
"Hum ? Yeah, sorry Willow. Didn't sleep very well."
"Yeah, you look tired. Maybe you should go to bed. I'll handle the rest of it."
"No, it's okay. I must… I must…"
Like a dancing haze, full of iridescent stars, turning, turning around…
"Buffy ! Buffy !…"
***
She felt quiet, and calm, and warm and comfortable. The noise and the screams were far away and she knew it couldn't touch her - not really.
She heard someone calling her. Slowly she opened her eyes and smiled.
"Angel !"
"I'm going to leave with Darla, now. Spike will take care of you, all right ?"
"You always leave…"
"Well, you're not in a state to go with us, right now."
"I've been bad."
"Yes. I'll take care of that. After."
He seemed so absent-minded. The hazy figure of Darla in the background called.
"Angelus ! Come, we've only got a few hours before the dawn."
"Dawn is coming, no time, no time before the dawn and so many things to do. And the day is too bright, too harsh…"
Angel looked irritated.
"Yes, of course it's too bright. Just… do what Spike says. We'll be back"
The two vampires disappeared in the shadows, and she was alone, no longer feeling so quiet and calm and warm.
"Don't be sad, pet", another voice muttered into her ear, caressing, and it was better. "I'm here, I won't leave you."
"Yes you will, oh yes. A dragon will kidnap you. Bad dragon."
"A dragon, is that so ?", and his arms were around her, and his kisses made her giggle, "Won't be afraid of dragons, m'lady, you made me your knight to serve you and I will. Till the end of the world."
Then she was sad again.
"Dawn is coming too early, you know."
***
"Buffy, are you okay ?"
Bright light entered her sight again.
"Dawn… ?"
"Are you okay, Buffy ? Willow said you just fell unconscious. You haven't been hurt by a demon… again, have you ?"
"No… no, demon hurt."
She was slowly coming back to her senses.
"I guess I was just tired."
"Tired ?", repeated Dawn, unconvinced.
Willow rushed into the room.
"She's awake ? You're awake ? You're okay ? She's okay ?"
"I… I'm fine, Will."
"No… er… weird visions ?"
"I wasn't back into the asylum if that's what you want to know."
"Oh good. You just fell down. I was afraid… Well you seem better, you are ?"
"Yes. I think I'm just going to bed now. Sorry to have scared you."
"No big."
"Yes", thought Buffy, "No big, I didn't try to kill you all this time, so it can't be serious."
***
Sometimes the dreams were scary, so scary. Full of blood and screams and bone china dolls lying desarticulated on the floor. She would wake up in the night screaming, afraid of having disturbed her sisters. Lizzie, she would laugh or yell at her for it. She would call her crazy and weird but she could see by the wild sparkle in her eyes that she was afraid of it. She was afraid of her sister's painful dreams, it wasn't anger at her that made her yell, but anger at the dreams and the visions. Anne, little sweet Anne, she seldom said anything but she would listen, sometimes until the dawn, for her to be calm down. She would listen, without saying a word and her eyes so full a whispering gentleness that she would understand everything and she would go peacefully back to sleep.
Anne hadn't said a word when her fingers and her arms and her legs had been ripped out. But her eyes, her eyes were screaming and had threatened to shatter the stars, she remembered. Or maybe they did.
***
Her eyes opened blind wide in the blackness of the room, Buffy didn't scream. She felt like it, felt like screaming like she had when the Gentlemen had taken away her voice, but she couldn't. She would wake Dawn. She would scared her. Couldn't do that. Couldn't do that.
In her dream Anne's face had been so much like Dawn's.
Tomorrow, she decided, we're beginning research.
The day after, she didn't wake until mid afternoon.
***
"Why didn't you wake me up ?", She complained, panicked, to Willow. "I had work !"
"I told them that you weren't well and you needed sleep, and you do Buffy ! You really do. You look terrible."
"Well, maybe, but I can't allow myself to… don't you understand if I don't work we won't have enough money for the month ?"
"We, er… we will ask Xander to help. But you just can't keep on driving yourself tired sick."
"It's not that. It's something else. Some demon or something."
"What ? A demon… ?"
"Not that. Well, I don't know what it is. But I've been having weird dreams - not asylum visions or anything. I don't know. Like if I were… someone else ?"
Willow frowned, intrigued.
"This is odd, Buffy. Did it felt like er, Slayer dreams ? I know it's been a while since our little slayer nightmare communion, but-"
"I don't know. There was some… stuff that felt the same way, but mostly…"
She tried to summon the words that could explain Willow the feelings of it but failed to.
"Why don't you tell me what happened in the dream ?", Her friend proposed to break the silence.
Buffy stared at Willow then lowered her eyes.
"I'd… rather not."
"Oh. Okay. Would you rather… tell Tara ?", She asked, obviously pained.
"No Willow, it's not you. I just don't feel capable of telling… It was very freaky."
"All right then.", She said with forced cheerfulness and enthusiasm, "I'm going to try to find everything I can about dreams and nightmares. Just drink this - it's a herb tea, nothing magic in it - and try to get some rest."
A minute after she was gone, Buffy was back asleep.
***
It didn't matter though. Her dreams had caught up with her. So there they were.
The mighty angel with his sword of flames that burned, burned her to ecstasy. His laughter was stronger than the screams and so sweetly he could make her suffer, so soft was his cruelty that she knew it was all right, that it was the will of God, that it was peace and purity and she shouldn't fight. That it was folly and it was wisdom and she could welcome it and let it wash all her tears and the rain, the red rain that came from the ceiling in a little dry noise : Plok. Plok. Plok. Just like the sound of Lizzie's words of anger. It was funny. Just like the names she gave her. Plok. Plok. Plok. Each voluptuous drops drawing one more blood rose on the floor.
And the Lady too, the blond haughty queen, icy and elegant, arrogant and pretty in her wealthy dresses. Only her virgin touch could sooth the flood of crying when the horses' cavalcade were too near, too loud, too soon, and the violence was like water on dry lips. And it was all right, it was family, it was belonging and there were no more deep black pits, ever. Only the wilder innocence of killing.
Oh, and then there was he, his scarlet banner high in the wind, kneeling ready to serve her. Her brave, wise knight. She could send him on quests, to kill every dragons - every female dirty naughty dragons who sought to separate her from her family, she could. And he would be there, yes, too, every time when the storm was too strong, every time when the thunder threatened to catch her back. He was there so it was all right.
As long as they were there to tie her when she was too enraptured by the star's singing, it was all right.
***
"Are you better, Buffy ?"
"I, yes I'm okay. What, how many time… ?"
"Not much." Willow couldn't hide her worried expression.
"Have you find anything ?"
"Well, we've found… lots of things actually. Too much. There's a lot of materials on dreams, you see. Maybe you could tell us more, about them ?", She said hopefully.
"Yes, I know… well, not what it is. But I know who. I don't exactly understand how but she found a way to me."
"What ? Who are you talking about ?"
"Drusilla. The dreams are Drusilla's. Somewhat, I'm having her dreams. I don't understand."
"Buffy ! You must tell us more ! Explain why…"
But Buffy was back sleeping, and nothing seemed able to wake her up.
- TBC -
AUTHOR : Etrangere
RATING : PG-13
SPOILERS : Up to Normal Again
SUMMARY : Strange dreams plague Buffy, depriving her of her strength and energy. Spike gets to help.
NOTE : To my betas Rahael, Liquidram and Lock5.
DISCLAMER : Don't own the world, don't own the characters, ME and Joss Whedon and UPN does. We are but their sorry slaves. Don't sue me, ô Masters !
Chapter one : And dreams are only dreams
¿Qué es la vida? Un frenesí.
Qué es la vida? Una ilusión,
sombra, una ficción,
el mayor bien es pequeño;
que toda la vida es sueño,
y los sueños, sueños son.
Calderòn
When she was a little girl, her mother would tell her some fairy tales before sleep, to her and her sisters. She liked those tales, but the ending was never right.
When she was sleeping, she often dreamt of fairies, and dragons, and knights and angels with firey swords. And her dreams were always true. That's how she knew the true ending of the stories.
Because what her mother would never tell, after the "and they lived happily ever after", is what really happened to the princesses and the shepherds after they beat the ogres and the witches. No, her mother would never tell it, but the dreams and the stars and the Kobolds in their black holes would always whisper it to her, smiling their teethful smiles.
The victims shall become the monsters, then.
***
Buffy never thought you could get used to the taste of tears so quickly. Now, that bitterness on her lips every morning was so familiar, she didn't even start which was good ; she had no time for it. No time to feel unhappy and scared. There were chores to be done, and Dawn to be taken care of, and work to do, and slaying, and lots, lots of smiles to smile to customers and friends and strangers. Sometimes the taste of smiles on hers lips were even more bitter than the taste of tears.
She would not linger in sleep and fuzzed dreams. She would keep going, she would keep walking. If she stopped, she was lost. No more.
No more stopping, no more rest.
I will rest when I'm dead. Now that was funny.
"Would you like some fries with that ?"
No more attempts to kill her friends or to dive into a blissful delusion. No more wild sex with the blood-sucking fiend.
"Would you like a stake with that ?"
She didn't think the vampire appreciated the humor of that, but then again, they seldom did.
"You seem a bit out of sorts, Buffy, did you hear what I said ?"
"Hum ? Yeah, sorry Willow. Didn't sleep very well."
"Yeah, you look tired. Maybe you should go to bed. I'll handle the rest of it."
"No, it's okay. I must… I must…"
Like a dancing haze, full of iridescent stars, turning, turning around…
"Buffy ! Buffy !…"
***
She felt quiet, and calm, and warm and comfortable. The noise and the screams were far away and she knew it couldn't touch her - not really.
She heard someone calling her. Slowly she opened her eyes and smiled.
"Angel !"
"I'm going to leave with Darla, now. Spike will take care of you, all right ?"
"You always leave…"
"Well, you're not in a state to go with us, right now."
"I've been bad."
"Yes. I'll take care of that. After."
He seemed so absent-minded. The hazy figure of Darla in the background called.
"Angelus ! Come, we've only got a few hours before the dawn."
"Dawn is coming, no time, no time before the dawn and so many things to do. And the day is too bright, too harsh…"
Angel looked irritated.
"Yes, of course it's too bright. Just… do what Spike says. We'll be back"
The two vampires disappeared in the shadows, and she was alone, no longer feeling so quiet and calm and warm.
"Don't be sad, pet", another voice muttered into her ear, caressing, and it was better. "I'm here, I won't leave you."
"Yes you will, oh yes. A dragon will kidnap you. Bad dragon."
"A dragon, is that so ?", and his arms were around her, and his kisses made her giggle, "Won't be afraid of dragons, m'lady, you made me your knight to serve you and I will. Till the end of the world."
Then she was sad again.
"Dawn is coming too early, you know."
***
"Buffy, are you okay ?"
Bright light entered her sight again.
"Dawn… ?"
"Are you okay, Buffy ? Willow said you just fell unconscious. You haven't been hurt by a demon… again, have you ?"
"No… no, demon hurt."
She was slowly coming back to her senses.
"I guess I was just tired."
"Tired ?", repeated Dawn, unconvinced.
Willow rushed into the room.
"She's awake ? You're awake ? You're okay ? She's okay ?"
"I… I'm fine, Will."
"No… er… weird visions ?"
"I wasn't back into the asylum if that's what you want to know."
"Oh good. You just fell down. I was afraid… Well you seem better, you are ?"
"Yes. I think I'm just going to bed now. Sorry to have scared you."
"No big."
"Yes", thought Buffy, "No big, I didn't try to kill you all this time, so it can't be serious."
***
Sometimes the dreams were scary, so scary. Full of blood and screams and bone china dolls lying desarticulated on the floor. She would wake up in the night screaming, afraid of having disturbed her sisters. Lizzie, she would laugh or yell at her for it. She would call her crazy and weird but she could see by the wild sparkle in her eyes that she was afraid of it. She was afraid of her sister's painful dreams, it wasn't anger at her that made her yell, but anger at the dreams and the visions. Anne, little sweet Anne, she seldom said anything but she would listen, sometimes until the dawn, for her to be calm down. She would listen, without saying a word and her eyes so full a whispering gentleness that she would understand everything and she would go peacefully back to sleep.
Anne hadn't said a word when her fingers and her arms and her legs had been ripped out. But her eyes, her eyes were screaming and had threatened to shatter the stars, she remembered. Or maybe they did.
***
Her eyes opened blind wide in the blackness of the room, Buffy didn't scream. She felt like it, felt like screaming like she had when the Gentlemen had taken away her voice, but she couldn't. She would wake Dawn. She would scared her. Couldn't do that. Couldn't do that.
In her dream Anne's face had been so much like Dawn's.
Tomorrow, she decided, we're beginning research.
The day after, she didn't wake until mid afternoon.
***
"Why didn't you wake me up ?", She complained, panicked, to Willow. "I had work !"
"I told them that you weren't well and you needed sleep, and you do Buffy ! You really do. You look terrible."
"Well, maybe, but I can't allow myself to… don't you understand if I don't work we won't have enough money for the month ?"
"We, er… we will ask Xander to help. But you just can't keep on driving yourself tired sick."
"It's not that. It's something else. Some demon or something."
"What ? A demon… ?"
"Not that. Well, I don't know what it is. But I've been having weird dreams - not asylum visions or anything. I don't know. Like if I were… someone else ?"
Willow frowned, intrigued.
"This is odd, Buffy. Did it felt like er, Slayer dreams ? I know it's been a while since our little slayer nightmare communion, but-"
"I don't know. There was some… stuff that felt the same way, but mostly…"
She tried to summon the words that could explain Willow the feelings of it but failed to.
"Why don't you tell me what happened in the dream ?", Her friend proposed to break the silence.
Buffy stared at Willow then lowered her eyes.
"I'd… rather not."
"Oh. Okay. Would you rather… tell Tara ?", She asked, obviously pained.
"No Willow, it's not you. I just don't feel capable of telling… It was very freaky."
"All right then.", She said with forced cheerfulness and enthusiasm, "I'm going to try to find everything I can about dreams and nightmares. Just drink this - it's a herb tea, nothing magic in it - and try to get some rest."
A minute after she was gone, Buffy was back asleep.
***
It didn't matter though. Her dreams had caught up with her. So there they were.
The mighty angel with his sword of flames that burned, burned her to ecstasy. His laughter was stronger than the screams and so sweetly he could make her suffer, so soft was his cruelty that she knew it was all right, that it was the will of God, that it was peace and purity and she shouldn't fight. That it was folly and it was wisdom and she could welcome it and let it wash all her tears and the rain, the red rain that came from the ceiling in a little dry noise : Plok. Plok. Plok. Just like the sound of Lizzie's words of anger. It was funny. Just like the names she gave her. Plok. Plok. Plok. Each voluptuous drops drawing one more blood rose on the floor.
And the Lady too, the blond haughty queen, icy and elegant, arrogant and pretty in her wealthy dresses. Only her virgin touch could sooth the flood of crying when the horses' cavalcade were too near, too loud, too soon, and the violence was like water on dry lips. And it was all right, it was family, it was belonging and there were no more deep black pits, ever. Only the wilder innocence of killing.
Oh, and then there was he, his scarlet banner high in the wind, kneeling ready to serve her. Her brave, wise knight. She could send him on quests, to kill every dragons - every female dirty naughty dragons who sought to separate her from her family, she could. And he would be there, yes, too, every time when the storm was too strong, every time when the thunder threatened to catch her back. He was there so it was all right.
As long as they were there to tie her when she was too enraptured by the star's singing, it was all right.
***
"Are you better, Buffy ?"
"I, yes I'm okay. What, how many time… ?"
"Not much." Willow couldn't hide her worried expression.
"Have you find anything ?"
"Well, we've found… lots of things actually. Too much. There's a lot of materials on dreams, you see. Maybe you could tell us more, about them ?", She said hopefully.
"Yes, I know… well, not what it is. But I know who. I don't exactly understand how but she found a way to me."
"What ? Who are you talking about ?"
"Drusilla. The dreams are Drusilla's. Somewhat, I'm having her dreams. I don't understand."
"Buffy ! You must tell us more ! Explain why…"
But Buffy was back sleeping, and nothing seemed able to wake her up.
- TBC -