"Rock Bottom"
Part 1
Rated: PG–13
Spoilers: Season three and season six from "Be Still My Heart"
Disclaimer: ER and all its characters belong to NBC etc and no infringement of their copyright is intended.
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"Carter wait!" Benton angrily yelled running out of the ambulance bay after the young doctor. "Carter what are you gonna do? Piss it all away, everything you have worked for, eight years of your life."
"They're the ones handing out the ultimatums!" Carter spat back, walking backwards.
"No ultimatums Carter. You're getting in that van."
"Like hell I am!"
"You're not going to do this!"
They tell you that I'm some kind of junkie and you believe them and you come down and ambush me." The young doctor accused slowing down to face the surgeon.
"Carter you're outta control man. If you can't see that then I don't care but you're getting into that van." Benton bellowed gesturing to the blue vehicle parked on the street in front of them.
"No!"
"Get in the van!" The surgeon ordered grabbing his former student's arm.
"Don't touch me." Carter angrily replied tearing his arm out of Benton's grip and making a start toward the sidewalk.
"Get in the van." Benton repeated forcefully reaching for his friend again. .
"Don't touch me!"
Benton paused for a moment at the entrance of the ambulance bay to measure up his limited options. Carter was extremely agitated and obviously was not going to back down any time soon so he desperately tried the first tactic that sprung to mind. He needed Carter to see what he had become.
He paused for a moment and wearily closed his eyes. Benton had not believed it when Kerry had voiced her suspicions to him earlier today in the lounge. This was Carter; one of the friendliest docs in the ER with such an honest and thoughtful nature. It just was not in him to do this. But when Benton had seen the younger doctor in Exam three tonight, the way he paced like a caged animal, the tone with which he spoke to his superiors and then the almost abusive scene with Chen, Benton reluctantly had to accept the truth. Locking Carter in a stormy gaze, he asked his friend the question he knew would make or break the situation.
"Where does it end man huh? This week fentanyl next week you end up dead or worse you end up like your cousin some babbling gork in a nursing home."
Unfortunately for the surgeon the response was not the one he had been so hoping for. Before he knew what was happening Carter responded by punching him hard in the face.
"Don't you ever speak about my cousin that way again, do you hear me?! Never! Who the hell do you think you are?!!"
"Carter man…calm down alright…" Benton placated trying to reach for Carter's arm whilst ignoring the pain radiating from his cheek. There was no way Carter would see reason in this agitated state.
"I said leave me the hell alone!" Carter wildly screamed. "There's nothing, I repeat nothing wrong me." Why couldn't anyone see it? "I don't need your help, and even if I did I certainly wouldn't come to you after tonight."
"Carter…" Benton started, but was soon interrupted.
"You of all people, how could you think such things of me?" Carter cried anguished and quickly turned and walked off into the night.
Benton stood hands on hips at a loss, watching his last chance to help his friend fade swiftly out of sight.
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When Carter quietly opened the front door to his grandparent's house later on that night he silently prayed that both his relatives had already gone to bed. He wasn't up to speaking to them, uttering pleasantries and discussing their day's events, not today. He had spent most of the evening driving around the city thinking and now he just wanted to go upstairs to bed.
He closed the door softly behind him and gingerly stepped into the hallway. He felt his heart sink when he saw the kitchen light on and noise echoing from the room.
He was severely tempted just to race up the stairs to his room and hide away, but he knew whoever was in the kitchen (most probably his night owl Gamma) would hear him and call out to him. So he decided to face the music now and get it out of the way.
Stepping into the large kitchen Carter wearily glanced around and observed his Grandmother heating some milk up on the stove. Not wanting to scare her he quickly greeted her and then sat stiffly down on the stool underneath the counter. *Great idea John. Sitting in a car all night does wonders for your back. *
His grandmother turned at the sound of his voice and smiled warmly at him.
"John, well this is a surprise. I didn't expect you back until after midnight. Has something happened?"
Carter paused, nervously rubbing his hands together as he thought back to his day. He was torn with whether to tell her what had happened or not. What would his Grandmother think of him if he just blurted out the truth? About how his friends accused him of being a drug addict and then fired him. He was so tempted just to break down and tell her and let it all out. But how much would he regret it afterwards? He couldn't bear it if his beloved Gamma turned away from him. She was the only one out of his entire family that he could really talk to. His parents and sister were rarely in the country as like the rest of his family. The only ones he ever saw were his grandparents who actually lived in Chicago. Was he really prepared to risk their relationship over what had happened at work?
He hastily grabbed at the nearest object he could see, a pen, and then fiddled about with it in his hands to ease his nervousness. A flash of red suddenly caught his attention and he took in the swelling of his right hand. Did he really hit his mentor?
"John?"
He looked up to see his grandmother staring at him quizzically, waiting for a reply and quickly hid his bruised hand under the table along with the truth. No he couldn't… wouldn't tell her anything.
"No, nothing. It was just a quiet night in the ER so I got sent home early. Nothing special." He forced out looking down, hoping that his Grandmother wouldn't notice how weak he sounded or the tears in his voice. He could feel her gaze on him, giving him the once over. Would she see the tremble in his hands or the sweat on his forehead? Could she witness how scared he was? He had to get out of there right now.
"I uh think I'll just grab a shower and then call it a night Gamma, I'm fairly tired." He said trying to sound convincing. He paused then hesitantly raised his head. Could she see through his lies?
He carefully placed the pen back on the counter then stood up and kissed his Grandmother goodnight before fleeting upstairs to the safety of his room.
Watching with concern as her youngest grandchild trudged up the stairs; Millicent Carter worried about what had happened at the hospital. She knew something must have occurred for John to be in such a state. She could only hope that he would speak to her about it when he was ready and not bottle it up inside.
"Goodnight my sweet, goodnight."
When Carter reached his bedroom he quickly stepped inside the familiar darkness and locked the door behind him. He didn't bother turning the light on; he just wanted to fade into the background and disappear. Tears began to creep down his face as he slowly collapsed onto the floor despairing about what had happened this evening. Scenes replayed in his mind from the so called intervention as the young doctor closed his eyes and tiredly leaned his head against the wooden door.
"It's apparent to all of us that you have a drug problem."…"You've demonstrated compulsive drug seeking behaviour."…"There's a drug treatment centre…"…
He took a deep breath and sighed. Was he really a drug addict? Was he really spending his time looking for a quick fix? He pictured Chase and his life before his overdose, how he had sneaked around, lying to his family. Was he really like his cousin? Was that honestly how he had lived his life for the past month or two now?
He had spent the time after Valentine's Day on some sort of autopilot, running through the motions; get up, go to work, come back, go to bed. And it had worked for a while too, until the nightmares began. Then he had begun to be afraid of closing his eyes and going to sleep, as he didn't know what the night would bring. Sometimes it was Paul Sobriki chasing him with a knife, other times it was Lucy desperately calling out to him for help.
Once he started having trouble sleeping then the tiredness kicked in. His body grew exhausted, he didn't have any energy to do anything, and his back started to hurt twice as much. A hollowness just seemed to keep growing inside and the only way out of it seemed to be his medication. Whenever he took that it was like his problems were locked away from him for a while and there was light at the end of the dark tunnel.
But then after a period of time the tunnel suddenly sealed shut before he could reach the light and everything came flooding back to him. The only response he could muster was another dose of his medication. That was the only cure. He needed the drugs to keep him sane, without them he would always be in that dark place. Couldn't his friends see that? Was he such a bad person for wanting something other than the traumatic remembrance of the pain and suffering he had been through?
*No!* Carter screamed inside as he shook his head emphatically. He was a good person and a damn fine doctor and no one was going to take that away from him.
He was stabbed twice in the back with a six inch butcher knife, he was bound to be in a lot of pain and consequently he was going to need pain medication to function and carry out day to day tasks. So what if he took slightly more than the prescribed dose. Working as a doctor in emergency medicine was a hectic life and it took it out of you.
"I am not a drug addict." "I am not a drug addict." Carter whispered banging his head against the back of the door each time he muttered it.
His so called friends were mistaken. They were wrong to believe such awful things about him and fire him. His head shot up as he considered that last thought. Fire him. They had fired him. Carter swiftly stood up and angrily started pacing the length of his room. They had fired him…fired him of all things. They had taken the one thing that mattered to him in the entire world and for what…something they wrongly believed to be true. He couldn't let them do that. What was he supposed to do with his life besides being a doctor? He had spent so much time this evening focusing on what had happened today he had forgotten about tomorrow. What was he supposed to do? Throughout his whole life he had only wanted to be a doctor, he couldn't imagine doing anything else, nor did he want to.
As he thought more about it he realised that his colleagues had no right to do that, to fire him on the ridiculous accusation of one medical student. A recently recruited medical student he should add. What did she know about hospital procedure? Yet they had taken her word over that of an experienced doctor with a noteworthy record. Surely they couldn't do that legally?
A sudden knock at his door roused Carter from his musing. He hesitantly switched on the bedroom light and curiously crossed the room to find his Grandmother at the door with a cup of warm milk.
"Hello John. I thought you might like one of these while I was making one." She said offering the cup to her grandson.
"Thanks Gamma, I would actually." He replied and carefully turned and placed the warm cup on the mat on his bedside table.
"Is everything ok John? You look upset." Millicent asked concerned, stepping into the room. Worry was evident in her dark eyes and her brow was furrowed slightly. She hoped that her grandson would be able to open up to her.
John warily returned his gaze to his Grandmother and weighed up the pros and cons of telling her. His Grandmother loved him and would surely take his side, wouldn't she? She was also a powerful woman and had a lot of contacts. Certainly she would be the one to help him get his job back.
He took a deep breath. "Actually Gamma there is uh something." Carter hesitantly stammered, sitting himself slowly down on his bed. He cautiously looked up at his grandmother and, whilst twiddling his hands together, tried to prepare what he was going to say in his head.
Millicent could tell that whatever John was going to say was important and so sat down next to her grandson on the bed in a gesture of comfort and clasped her hands together. Carter took a deep breath and then began to tell his Grandmother his version of the day's events.
"What?!" Millicent Carter responded a few minutes later, angry and astonished. "You mean to tell me that you were just doing your job and they accused you of being a drug addict because of it?" Seeing John's nervous nod of his lowered head made Millicent's blood boil. How dare they accuse her beloved grandson of something so terrible, it was just unthinkable. John had been through a tremendous ordeal and deserved compassion and support, not wrongful accusations. And then to go and dismiss him in such a way, how could they treat him like that?
"Don't worry John. I'll get onto our lawyers first thing in the morning to sort everything out. There is no possibility that that hospital can dismiss you for some absurd allegation. It is obviously a mistake, one that we will swiftly rectify."
Millicent assured him comfortingly and then kissed the top of her grandson's head.
"We'll soon have you back there where you belong, my dear, don't you be concerned about it."
Carter raised his head and just stared at his grandmother for a moment in sheer amazement before quietly telling her "You don't know how much it means to me to hear you say that Gamma. That I belong there."
Millicent smiled and tenderly squeezed his hand. She then stood up and bid John goodnight as she slowly walked out the door.
She had meant every word of it as well. In the past she had been greatly opposed to John having anything to do with that hospital. On more than one occasion she had desperately tried to convince him to start up his own practice or join the family business. He however had always dismissed such ideas and she had finally seen just how much her grandson loved working as a doctor at the hospital.
She had visited the hospital a few times in order to assess the clinic and she had had the wonderful opportunity of witnessing John at work there. Inwardly Millicent had been incredibly proud of her grandson as he attended to people in need.
He had also displayed his vast knowledge and experience at the Keller Institute, advising his grandparents with respect to his cousin Chase.
"You are a wonderful doctor John and I am extremely proud of you."
Carter sadly smiled at her words as he watched his grandmother leave.
"Goodnight Gamma."