Ulquiorra sits and gazes around with cold, green eyes, beholding everything in the room. I'm glad he cannot see me through the mirror. But I can see him. I switch on the intercom that connects the two rooms. I glance at the clipboard with the attached note cards I prepared the week before with slight nervousness before reassuring myself that there is no way he can get me from here.
Me: Wake up, Mr. Schiffer. I have been expecting you for quite some time. Look at your man.
Ulquiorra: *glances behind himself; looking for something that isn't there* Aizen?
Me: Now back at me.
Ulquiorra: Where are you? Are you the mirror? Where is that voice coming from?
Me: Sadly, your man *isn't* me. But if your man uses Old Spice, he could smell like the man you wish your man could be.
Ulquiorra: What the f-
Me: Second question-
Ulquiorra: That wasn't a ques-*Ulquiorra pauses mid-sentence, squirming violently in his chair*
Me: That's a no-no! If you interrupt me or don't follow the rules I'll have no choice but to punish you. I let you off easy this time with just a simple shock but let me assure you: There are many colorful buttons in this room that are capable of far worse things. Question 3: Who's your favorite celebrity?
Ulquiorra: Aize-
Me: Aizen doesn't count!
Ulquiorra: Well, there was that time I went to the human world and ran into Lady Gaga. I have to say, she's pretty high on my list.
Me: Yeah, you and every other gay's.
Ulquiorra: What?
Me: What? Question the 4th: Can you smell that?
Ulquiorra: Smell what?
Me: Good good Nyehehe. 5th question: How many men have you slept with, rounding to the nearest hundredth?
Ulquiorra: 0? I don't have sex.
Me: That's obvious. BaZANG! 6th question-
Ulquiorra: *at this point Ulquiorra struggles in his chair against the restraints but before he can make too much progress a yellow ducky button is pressed from the other side of the two-way mirror and green slime reminiscent of a children's cartoon network falls upon the 4th Espada's head*
Me: Wasn't that fun?
Ulquiorra: *a very angry Ulquiorra glares at me as green slime oozes from his hair, skin, and clothes; slowly piling on the floor in puddles* No.
Me: Well, I was considering pressing the yaoi button but that would have been far too adult for *this* story. *from the other side of the room a half naked man picks up his clothes and walks away, disappointed. Question the 8th-
Ulquiorra: Don't you mean 7th?
Me: That was a trick question, you lose.
Ulquiorra: But that doesn't make any-
Me: Question #9: What did you think of Ichigo's bankai when you first saw it? Were you impressed?
Ulquiorra: It was strong but not powerful enough to beat me.
Me: Question 10: Didn't you *lose* to Ichigo's bankai?
Ulquiorra: Eh. Didn't count. He had his hollow powers, too.
Me: So did you, though.
Ulquiorra: Shut shut shut shut your mouth. Shut your mouth.
Me: *presses piggy button and a swirly hand slowly goes down the length of Ulquiorra's back, tickling him before dipping into his pants but it is quickly stopped* Woooooooah, sorry 'bout that. I meant to press the cow. There. *presses cow and a storm of kittens hails from the ceiling and into the Espada's side of the room* Now you must contend with slightly angry cats while answering my questions. Now that is true punishment.
Ulquiorra: These questions suck.
Me: You suck and are boring me. Final question: Does this hurt: *a black button with skulls and crossbones hidden behind a clear case is slowly opened and pushed with a fierce certainty and a metal claw extends from the wall, seeking the man in the chair*
Ulquiorra: This is gonna be stupid. *after these words are spoken the claw meets its target and tightly pinches the Espada's chest, causing a single tear drop to fall from his face to the floor*
Please send in your questions for Ulquiorra to answer. I'll make sure he answers them or it's the skull button again.