"I'm just glad he and I can go our separate ways now."
I can't stop thinking about that play. Eli's meltdown. He wasn't in character; he was himself.
He still loves me.
I can tell. I can see it in his eyes.
I don't want us to go our separate ways.
I don't necessarily want to be back together with him, though. Maybe someday, but for right now, Jake is what I need. Easy as breathing, no strings attached. There's no doubt in my mind that someday, Jake and I will have a clean, easy breakup; we'll smile and say that we had fun together, but we weren't right for each other. Not for long, anyways.
But I don't know if I still love Eli or not.
I care about him. I know I care about him. I almost cried when I was watching his play, when I saw how broken he really is.
I want to fix him. I want to pick up all the pieces and put his heart back together. I want to heal him. I want him to move on, because right now, I can't love him the way he wants, the way he needs. I want to, so badly. I want to love him, but I don't know if I can.
I don't want to go our fucking separate ways.
Maybe we can be friends again.
Friends.
No. I can't just be friends with him.
But I can't get back together with him, either.
I can't handle it, how intense he is, how suffocating he is. I'm only fifteen.
I want to be able to help him. I want to be able to handle it.
But I can't.
Before I can help him, before I can face my demons and help myself help him, he needs to get better. Not for his parents, not for his friends, not for me. For him.
He needs to get better for him.
And then, maybe.
Maybe one day.
Maybe I'll be able to love him again.
And maybe we'll be able to forgive each other.
000
A/N: When Clare was just staring off into space or whatever, her expression made me think that she wasn't really over Eli.
THEY ARE GETTING BACK TOGETHER. Probably not until Eli's senior year, but before he graduates for sure. They were the most loved couple in Degrassi history, and a lot of people only watched the show for them.
And when she was watching him walk out of the building, and he smiled? Oh, my God, she still has feelings for him. It gave me hope. I HAVE FAITH. (If you haven't read the last chapter of my story Blind Faith, you probably won't get that last part…)
Eli still loves Clare, and I think that in the show Clare still loves Eli. Of course, this is fanfiction, and it reflects my personal feelings after I broke up with my boyfriend. (Even though he wasn't psycho and he didn't crash his car for me, thank God.) Anyways, sorry if this makes no sense at all, and sorry that it's so short. While we wait for Eclare to reunite, there's always fanfiction, which I will continue to write. I don't care if everyone else is over Eclare. I WILL LOVE THEM FOREVER. (Yes, I am aware that I sound obsessed.)
But they will get back together eventually. Now that Eli's getting better for himself instead of for Clare, she's going to notice and IT WILL HAPPEN.
I'll MAKE it happen, damn it. I will force the Degrassi writers to hire me. You just wait.
I do not, unfortunately, own Degrassi.
Sorry for the huge length of this author's note, by the way.