Carol and Maria were sitting in Pancho's. They had gotten off early and were having a drink and some food before heading back to the house. Monica was with her grandparents for the weekend-long flight exercise so they had some time.
Maria took a bite from her sandwich and ketchup got her nose. Carol felt a smile run across her face, the woman was so cute. Carol reached over wiping it with her napkin. The squinty look her eyes got and wrinkled nose at the touch of the cloth made Carol start giggling.
"What's funny?" Maria asked.
"You looked exactly like Monica when I clean off her face," Carol said.
"Well, we are related," Maria said with a long sigh but her eyes were laughing.
Carol took a long gulp to distract herself from how much she wanted to kiss Maria there. Lesbian love in public wasn't a super great idea. The Pancho's owner had long since worked it out, but it was still on the DL. Realising she had drained the bear she made her way through the moderately populated bar leaning on the counter a man grabbed her ass. She wiped around seeing a tall white dude grinning.
"What the fuck was that?" She shot at the man who seemed surprised she had even talked back.
"It's a compliment sweetheart." He drawled leaning over to her putting his hand on her waist.
"Get your hands off me." She said teeth bard.
He smirked, or what he leaned over his breath stink. Carol smiled back he took a step back laughing. "See that's how you handle bitches."
The smug tone with the crude word triggered a pulse of anger next thing she knows her fist met his face. A collective gasp rang through the room the sound of the music the only thing people heard. One of his friends smaller Carol back, she swung back, and a pain smacked her face blood dripped to her mouth hands came behind her.
"Calm down Carol," Maria said into her ear.
"But.." Carol started.
"We can't visit the ER tonight. Sweetheart he's not worth it."
The arms of her girlfriend calmed her slightly, The bar owner shot them a look. Carol knew it was a reminder she was only allowed to cause moderate trouble. She walked out of the bar her head up even though she felt a massive headache coming on.
The car ride sucked Maria didn't seem to want to say anything. Clearly, she was angry. Carol got cleaned up in the bathroom and Maria said bye to her parents. The noises of an excited four-year-old who was exhausted but also fueled by the sugar fest of her grandparents sent joy through the house. Carol was going to say hI to Monica when Maria shot her a warning look. Carol felt taken aback, the anger in her expression was foreign, but she went into the living room and grabbed a bag of frozen peas to hold on her bruised face. Best to just let it be, no need to dwell. Maria came back out having put on her own pyjamas looking really tired.
"What's up with Lieutenant Trouble?" Carol asked crossing legs under her and patting the seat.
"She's good. Mom said they watched Escape to Witch Mountain both nights."
"What I like that movie. It's not my fault she liked it so much."
"She wants to be just like you Carol."
"She likes you too." Carol teased.
But the sigh she received in return made Carol feel like this was going to be a sucky conversation going forward.
"Carol you have to stop fighting. You can't come home all bruised up cause you got drunk and punched people." Maria said.
"He started it." Carol defended.
"It doesn't matter who started it. It's still a stupid reason to come home like that"
"But it does!" Carol said, "It's self-defence. No dick is gonna insult me like that."
"I appreciate your self-worth honey, but I don't like the idea of all the fighting around Monica."
"We're in the Air Force!"
"Flying Planes. That isn't getting in fights, coming home all keyed up with blood on our faces. It's not teaching her it's smart to go get in fist fights"
"Look I think your overacting. We don't go out all the time, and I don't come home blood from fighting usually if were injured one of us dropped flight gear or got cut fixing engines. It will be fine. We promised her movie tomorrow, we'll have popcorn it will be okay." Carol said giving her friend a smile.
"Look Carol it's not just tonight. Yeah we don't both go drinking a lot but you go to Panchos and other places alone, and no you don't have a black eye but you are all bruised up." Maria's patients failed her voice growing louder.
"I don't like being pushed around!' Carol shot back.
"I know that. But you have to think about her too Carol. What if someone followed you home? Someone asks you for a good time, you smack them they come here with a fist or worse a gun. We're gay, I have a kid, it's dangerous!" Maria's voice broke.
"Exactly why I do fight back," Carol said
"You need to think about it. You could be kicked out, or I could or who knows what. Monica wants you here with her, she loves you but this is serious. I need you to just think for god sakes"
"I do think about her. I want her to know people can't walk all over her. Like you said I'm here for her. I'm doing what I think is best for her."
"That's a shit excuse in any context but she isn't even your kid, she is mine. I can't be with you if you're going to keep getting into fights. "
Carol froze for a just moment. The pain of the words "she isn't even your kid & I can't be with you" ringing in her ears. Carol and half walked half ran out of the house. The temperature drop made her feel frozen. It might only be like the low 70s but it felt like ice after a day spent doing exercises in 90-degree weather. But in reality, it was likely the change from the warmth of home and now walking to her place. Her single occupant housing no longer felt like home. Maria's place was home, had been for so long at that point. Now nowhere would be home, just like when she was young.
Carol laid on the bed in the mostly empty room not bothering to change her clothes. She was so mad, at everything. Carol knew logically picking fights with people was technically dangerous, and she knew they could get in trouble for doing it. But how was it her fault everyone was a dick to her? No one ever thought she could do anything, and if they were gonna be assholes she was gonna fight back.
From being a kid and told she should never do this or that and push her around. Her whole life anytime someone tried she got up and fought harder than they did. But up till now, she thought Maria had her back on fighting. Maria had always been treated shitty, everyone judged her before they saw she was amazing. The same crap would happen to Monica too. She thought Maria liked that she fought back, took no shit. But it seemed not, just more judgment.
Under the anger, though Carol knew she wasn't really mad that Maria told her not to fight not really. She was mad that Maria thought she would ever do something to hurt Monica. And then what made her leave was that Carol had always thought no matter what they would be family, but it seemed not.
Part 2:The morning was terrible Carol wanted nothing to do with debriefing shit and going over future plans. Carol was staring at her food and she jumped when a hand landed on her shoulder.
Dr Wendy Lawson was looking at her with a sympathetic expression.
"Hi, Dr Lawson," Carol said.
"You look awful."
"Thanks," Carol said running her fingers over her tired eyes and flinching hitting the bruised skin.
"Did something happen after the training?" Dr Lawson sat next to her with a quizzical expression.
"Oh that, I got in a bar fight." She gestured to the bruise.
"That's not it tough. You got a shiner from a bar fight you'd be showing it off."
Carol smiled for a sec at that, "Yeah I would."
"So why are you sulking here and not eating outside with Maria making fun of the boys' terrible flight skills."
"Maria and I got into a fight. A fight about a fight, or fighting I guess. She thinks getting into fights is stupid, and that I'm going to put her and Monica in danger." Carol explained, "But I'm going to protect them, and isn't it good to show Monica to protect herself to? Like I don't get why standing up for myself is a problem. Why has she suddenly decide she hates that I'm not a doormat."
"Carol you and I both know that's bullshit. If you pick a fight with dangerous people I could get dangerous. Sometimes you have to move on"
"He grabbed my ass."
"Is that every fight?" Dr Lawson asked leaning back with a knowing look
"No. Sometimes it's less just like calling me a bitch, catcalling when they called Maira a slur. Sometimes I'm too drunk to remember...oh."
"Oh is right."
"If any of them were really mad..." The realization that any of those people could have gone father made her feel slightly sick.
"Also Carol, Maria and Monica are even more likely to get hurt, and not get help. Not to mention people who eventually realise that you guys are, super close."
"We were super close." Carol corrected.
"Ahh. well, not sure I would say past tense yet."
The rest of the day went painfully slow pack her bag look up Carol was glad when Maria was standing next to her.
"Carol I think we should talk."
"Yes, we should."
"I know you're upset, and I was too but I want to explain myself."
"Don't need to you were right?"
"I was? Oh good, tell me how." Maria said with a smile leaning on the wall.
Carol rolled her eye slightly glad the tension was rolling back and the warmth of home radiated from the soft smile on Maria's lips.
"If I'm always getting people like violently mad at me, they're more likely to get violent with you or Monica."
"Yeah, I am right about that."
"And Monica is important the most important. And Lawson reminded me that she's even more in danger than I am because you're black. So I have to remember that too. I don't want you to get hurt."
"I know. Wanna have some mac and cheese?" Monica said taking Carol's hand.
Carol hugged Maria tightly. "I'm sorry."
"Good, just that we are on the same page."
"Mission objectives one, Protect Monica."
"And maybe some other mission?"
"Hopefully."
/
Two weeks later Carol was walking in the park with Monica on her back. It had been going good with them all after she agreed to stop fighting so much. And Maria had rewarded this new non-fighting Carol. She had gotten to watch Monica for like a whole weekend. Sure she'd babysat before by herself but this felt different. Monica interrupted Carol's thoughts when her little feet hit incredibly hard into Carol's side and the girl yanked slightly on her hair as she let out a happy gasp.
"Can I go to the playground!" She shouted directly into Carol's ear.
"Sure you can kid." She said with a laugh, that had been the plan the whole time. Maria was meeting them there to surprise Monica and have a Sunday evening picnic.
Carol put Monica down as she sat on a bench and the little girl went racing into the aeroplane themed playground. Everything went well Carol could keep an eye on her and enjoy the fantastically good weather. Her peace was interrupted suddenly when she heard Monica shout. Carol jumped into action. She rushed forward and saw her on the other side a man had his hand on her arms trying to drag her out of the alcove built into the playground for kids to hide in.
Carol quickly his wrist with quick chop breaking his hold. He screamed out. The blind rage boiling inside her fished out all of her anger and protectiveness. After a series of blurs she couldn't have ever recounted the man was in the fetal position on the ground breath even more uneven then Carol own. Monica's soft whimper cut threw tears streaming down as she back against the wall.
"What the hell happened!" Maria shouted coming up the dismal scene.
"He was dragging Monica away," Carol said first her emotions numbed out from the adrenaline still fueling the right headspace.
"He did."
"He was talking to me. Told me I should go with him that you were hurt, mommy. But I didn't wanna he's never nice to you." Monia explained.
Looking down Carol noticed for the first time what he looked like. It was the guy who managed base housing, the surrogate landlord for the government. They did know them, trying to cut the funding for a family home because two people weren't a family. Also clearly was not a fan of two women loving each other and raising their kid together.
Maria ever the pragmatist after hugging her daughter she gently led her daughter away from the first answers to 911.
After getting there they arrested Carol which okay yeah she left him bleeding but the fucking creep kept being asked if he was okay giving friggin juice when all they did for Monica was ask her patronizing questions. They didn't even bother to do anything but ignore Carol.
The whole police rigmarole was gone through. Carol was handcuffed which sucked and the trapped feeling in the holding cell was suffocating. It did give her time to realise that everyone who says people are most likely to be hurt by people they know, gross. She fought to gather her feelings and thoughts as had to explain two people it was self-defence. The charges were dropped though so now it was just waiting for Bureaucracy and Maria to come to bring her home.
Carol was finding this to be the least pleasant of this whole thing. Interviews sucks and claustrophobia is shitty but the worst part was letting her family down. They couldn't be together if she was fighting, this situation had to be different logically but at the time she was still terrified to have it all ripped from her. She did go overkill this time, and he is definitely capable of hurting Monica so even if it was right to punch a probable child abuser it might still make them not want her anymore.
On the ride home words finally came out of Carol who had been mostly looking at her laceless shoes mutely. "I'm sorry. I know I broke your rule on fighting. I wanted to protect her. He could still hurt her. So I get if you're mad at me"
"Carol you dummy, of course, there are sometimes you gotta punch back. This was one of those times. But like I told you no more fighting, as in stop looking for one not to never finish them."
"Yes, I get it. The more times I do this I put you in danger of them. It's just hard. "
"Honey I'm also worried about you. I know this has to be hard on you." Maria sounded exasperated but it was also painfully sincere.
"I can take a few bruises." Carol shrugged
"I know but you don't need to. There are other ways to deal with your mind shit."
"Excuse me?" Carol said turning to face Maria. Unsure where this was going, but sure it wasn't pleasant.
"You've told me about your father. How much he hurt you putting you down, blaming you. How it hurt you had to handle that and everything else all by yourself. I know, you've told me you feel so hurt and angry. But you can't just be sitting in that."
So now my problem my mind is screwy and I put you in danger Carol muttered, "That's, that's worse," Carol said.
This conversation as not only uncomfortable but now had her stupid mind replaying all the bad things over and over. Infecting her brain with the words her father shouted at her for always being weak, never being strong, to soft. Then she was too strong, to determine, never did as she was told. Never Enough girl, but enough girl she was told to be one way and hit by a man when she wouldn't do it.
"What I mean is, I needed you to let me in. Because I'm not just worried you're gonna bring the fights home with an actual man. But you know when someone lets the anger and violence come home with them it infects everything. I remember one time when we had started spending nights together after you started sleeping in my bed, but that day there was no sleep. You could look a sucky drill sergeant dead in the face as he yelled at you and never flinch but once we got home you were a reck. Then we'd go drinking and getting into trouble. But then it all followed us home, one good night and then the next day were all screwed up in a different way."
Carol took a deep breath in tears streamed involuntary down her face. Of curse she knew, she knew after bad days her dad brought the gun in with him and it terrified her. His hands throwing her in the sand, in the grass on the floor stung just as bad as the bullets when she was little, the explosion of the gunpowder no louder than his words. She hated thinking about this, but the very thought she might be scaring her family stung so much. "You thought I would scare Monica. That's I'm just gonna come home drunk or like hit her?"
"No, I don't. But I do think that anger would eat you alive. You never say no, never back down and that's beautiful. But you gotta let us kick ass with you. All three of us kick ass as a family from now on."
Carol laughed a watery sound muffled by her arm wiping the snot from her upper lip. She noticed they had pulled into a Walmart parking lot at some point during this talk. This was maybe their emotional support parking lot. They had been here twin tear-streaked cheeks. A December which now felt a lifetime ago, and it was if you can't Monica. The first Christmas after Carol had been shoved out her family door at 18 to never come back. Wanting to kiss girls was the last straw, she was too far gone or some shit. It had been an angry and hard and exciting time but even her determination couldn't make being banned from Christmas with your family because she wouldn't lie to them. Maria had invited her to her house to celebrate. Holding her in the most healing hug.
"This is the first place you called me family," Carol said softly.
Maria kissed Carol then. The tears not mattering as they naturally became one heat and love and giraffe mixing in that hot car.
"You want to fight for us, but you don't always have to use your fists. But you gotta be brave otherways too, talk to us, heal. Don't lock us out, you don't need to punch to feel good, or to show your worth. I gotta say though" Maria said after a long time of kissing and holding each other.
"You and Monica make me feel worthy, " Carol said smiling
"Fight for this, for us?"
"I will."