It Hurts Like Suicide.
It Hurts Like Suicide.
I pray it isnt true.
The way you feel about me.
The way I feel about you.
This Suicide, its deadly.
Like love, gone unoticed.
It Hurts Like Suicide, Yuki..It really, really does.
What am I to you, Yuki? As I sit here, I only think about you, because you are my everything. But here I am, sulking, weeping over you, though on the outside, I pretend like its nothing, when you mean more to me then life itself.Do I matter to you? Have I ever been in your thoughts, as much as you are in mine, Yuki? I could never bring myself to asking you this, could ever step up, and ask you so blindly, is this love we feel for each other real..
Love...I cant resist it any longer, its too strong to try and hide it. But whenever I lift my eyes, he looks away, pretending I dont exsist. Is this really love between us? This coldness coming from him, even though his body is warm at my touch. I cant stand this any longer, being so close to him, yet so far away. Seated at his desk, silently reading over his novels. Romance, sexual activity between a man and a woman. Is that why he doesnt love me..Because I'm not a girl? Because I've got a dick, and not some wet, stinky..I'll keep these thoughts to myself, for now. Yuki isnt home, he's on a trip..away from me. He seem's to enjoy himself, when I'm not around. I dont understand it, and how badly I want too.
My thoughts are jumbled, mixed and confusing. I trouble everyone I come upon, dont I? Hiro, I made him want to quit BadLuck, even though he denies it. Fujisaki, he's never satisfied with me, he never will be. My manager, Kei-san..Always helping me in these invisible ways, yet I've dont nothing for him, or Sakano-san. I suppose I'm as helpless as Yuki says I am, and...And..Why cant I do anything about it...Why cant I..I'm trying hard enough, right..?
" Heh..I cant belive I'm doing this to myself..BadLuck needs me, right...Right?" How tired I am of my voice echoing in this dark room, the only light coming from Yuki's computer. Even when he's around, there's still silence..Dead silence between us. I sit back, my fingers becoming numb, from tying. All my thoughts, my pains and my sorrows, I have left in a jumble of words, expressing my feelings to Yuki. It hurts like suicide, how I feel, and I've only experienced a taste of death, once. Yuki hasnt figured out what happened..Hiro told him I got beaten, but there was more to it..so much more.
I cant relax any longer, I cant live in agony. I didnt know being in love could hurt so much, I really had no clue..Which is probably why Yuki doesnt love me in return..Because I'm so clueless. Well..He wont have to worry about be anymore..Not anymore..
The kitchen is so near..This knife placed against my skin..I'm scared, and I dont want to go through it, but..
If it'll make Yuki happy, then I'll do it.
If it'll make Yuki..Happy..
This blade against my skin, isnt as cold as Yuki is towards me. Our goodnight kisses mean nothing to him, our lovemaking is as special to him, as a bird getting shot in mid-air. I feel...So alone in this word, so out of place..But am I really? Is this really Shindo Shuichi I'm talking about? This blade..It will hurt me, but not as much as Yuki has..Not nearly as much..