I lay in my hospital bed, staring at nothing. I feel beyond upset. The sadness has not gone away, nor will it for a while. I feel an enormous amount of anger, and if I was in a better condition I would probably be chucking something at the wall. My feelings are jumbled and screwed up, and all this happiness that I've felt past months is gone.

I still have Matt, I know that. I want to be with him and he said he wanted to be with me. While I was pregnant, I had this feeling that he only got back together with me because of the baby. Earlier though, he told me that even though we lost the baby, he still wanted me.

He seems calm, yet I know in the inside he's probably just as confused and as angry as I am. He has put on a brave face for me, and I'm so appreciative. He was there for me when I broke down in his arms. He was there for me when I told him about my suspicions as to why we were back together. He was there for me while I cried my eyes out watching Herrmann's video. He has been there for me completely today, and I'm so grateful.

Matt went to go get us food, although I'm nowhere near hungry. Dr. Halstead checked in on me not too long ago and told me that I should eat something. I still am trying to process what happened, and the thoughts of no longer starting a family with Matt makes me sick to my stomach. All this time I've been picturing moving into a house with him. Fixing it up. Raising a kid with him and together Matt and I would grow old together.

It's crazy that in a blink of an eye, that is all gone from me. It's been four hours since I found out, yet the same thoughts keep coming back to me. The look on Matt's face when I told him I was pregnant. That night we spent together afterwards. The happiness both of us have been feeling since we found out we were going to be parents. And all those thoughts make me so upset. The need to vomit is still there. My stomach hurts, my whole lower region hurts from the surgery, and my head is aching.

I don't want Matt to see me in this condition. The only other times he's seen me like this was when Jones and Shay died. I don't like the idea of being vulnerable, yet I can't help but be it right now. I can be brave, heck everyday on calls I am. But when it comes to my personal life, I get scared easy. I mean, this is a big weight for me.

I continue to stare at the wall, still thinking about these last hours. I used to be a paramedic for quite some time, and when I felt those sharp pains, I knew something was wrong with the baby. I had been up close to people who miscarried, but I never thought I would experience one myself. When being rushed to surgery, Matt told me that we would both be fine, and even though we knew that was most likely not the case, I still clung to some of that hope. Now, that's none.

My thoughts are interrupted by Matt, who enters the room with food. "Hey," he whispers, walking over to my bedside. Ever since my breakdowns, he's tried to be supportive. Yet, I know that he doesn't quite know what to say to me. He doesn't know what to say about what happened. We haven't really talked about it, all we've talked about is our relationship.

He doesn't dare ask me how I am, we both know the answer. Instead, he takes my hand and rubs it gently. He leaves the food on the table, and I have a feeling that neither of us will be eating for a while. Tears start to fall from my eyes, and I can't help it. This is just too much for me to hold in. This weight is too heavy for me.

Matt notices and whispers gently, "Talk to me." What do I say? I have so much on my mind, and I'm not really sure I can explain it. I want to tell him that this is too much. That I need him so bad. That I feel so numb and sad and angry. Tears keep streaming down my face and I choke out, "Why me," before I start to break down once more.

Matt calmly says, "Gabby," trying to get my attention. I can't stop myself from crying and I'm shaking now. The nausea has become too much and I mutter, "Trash can," while pointing towards one. "Matt must understand because he quickly finds the one next to us and hands it to me.

I start to vomit uncontrollably. I'm sobbing and throwing up and shaking so bad. I may be having a panic attack as well. My heads spinning and I can barely see due to all the tears in my eyes. Matt comes to my side and holds my hair up for me. I can't see him, but I'm sure he has no idea what to do. I wouldn't be surprised if he was crying as well.

"Why," I keep repeating as I empty out my stomach. I'm coughing and my nose is running and I can't think straight. After I'm done throwing up, I mutter nonsense, starting to become out of it. I've never felt this way before. I've never been in this position before.

Matt grabs the bucket from me and puts it off to the side. Then, as I continue to sob, he wraps his arms around me tightly. This is the second huge breakdown I've had today, but this one is worse. Now, I've accepted my miscarriage, and now I'm crying for all that I've lost. For the bright future that we were going to have.

He attempts to calm me down as he rubs my back. He keeps muttering calm words to calm me down, and slowly, I start trying to take deep breathes. "It's okay," he whispers in my ear and I wipe some tears from my eyes. I'm still shaking, but I am much calmer than I was moments ago. I open my eyes and I look up at him.

There aren't tears, I'm sure he's trying to stay brave. I know that if he was crying, I would break down again, and he doesn't want that. There's sadness in his eyes, a whole lot of it. There's anger as well. He keeps holding me tightly as I try to calm down from what I'm sure was a panic attack.

When he notices that I finally have stopped sobbing and that I have finally allowed myself to look up at him, he whispers, "Gabriela," with a tiny, but apparent smile on his face. He's trying to make me feel better, and I can't help but let out a small laugh. He knows that I love when he calls me Gabriela, since I'm rarely called by my full name. "Gabriela," he says again, and I smile and whisper, "I'm sorry."

Matt just shakes his head and says, "Don't apologize. I know it's hard for you. I'm here for you, always." Then, he kisses me forehead and we lay in each other's arms for god knows how long. After a while, my tears stop falling and I'm not shaking anymore. I'm feeling better and it's all thanks to Matt.

"You know that I love you," he says quietly, breaking the silence. I nod my head softly as it rests on his chest. "I love you too," I choke out, completely meaning it. It's true. I fell in love with Matt way before we started dating, and I was still in love with him after we broke up. Right now, nothing makes sense in my world, except for him. Being with Matt, that's what makes sense to me.