I'm going to try to write this like an actual 40 minute Orville episode, so hang in while I make the attempt. I have the majority of it written, so I should be up in a few days in whole. Pay heed to the summary warnings, there is nothing graphic but lots of talk. First time writing in Orville fandom so go easy on me. Also posted on a03

"EPA…. As in English pale ale or environmental protection agency?" Captain Ed Mercer asked Isaac as he held up a small silver bracelet with a round red button at the top.

"Neither, Captain. That is an emergency podcast alert system that Lieutenant LaMarr and I have been developing. In an emergency, you can press it and it will automatically broadcast to all audible devices in the first officers quarters. It is a way to call for help in case someone has breached your quarters and wants to harm you."

"Okay. Thanks Isaac. I'm sure it will be very useful. Hopefully, I'll never have to use it." Ed said as he clipped it on his wrist.

"After what happened with Lieutenant Malloy and the Krill ship, we thought it would be necessary to create extra safety precautions."

Ed nodded in agreement. Three days ago their ship had encountered a Krill vessel, and the Krill had taken several officers hostage, including Gordon Malloy. Ed had organized a rescue mission but it had taken them longer than he would have liked to get him back. Gordon had been the only survivor. He refused to talk about what happened on the Krill ship, and insisted that he was fine, in fact-.

There was a chime at the door.

"Come in!" Ed shouted

Bortus walked in, looking stern and presently disturbed.

"I found this among Topa's playthings today." He said, holding out a very real looking World War II sniper rifle.

"Wow, that's impressive Bortus. It actually looks like a real-."

"It is a functional gun. After further investigation, I found that Topa was able to access it using the synthesizers in my quarters. I am requesting that we disable this feature until further notice."

Before Ed could answer, Kelly, walked into the office without bothering to knock.

"Malloy and LaMarr are playing zero gravity basketball in the docking area." She said breathlessly as if she had just run up three flights of stairs.

"Oh wow-." Ed started but was interrupted by the doors opening again, and Claire walked in.

"Yaphit just slimed all over my office again. If you can't control your officers, Captain I am going to have to file a sexual harassment form with the union."

"Against me? I know I'M a little disorganized, but Claire-."

"Against Yaphit, I really don't understand why-."

"If a synthesized weapon got into the wrong hands-."

"The emergency podcast system will automatically-."

"If Malloy gets sucked into space I will not plan his funeral-."

"ALRIGHT. Everybody just shut up for a minute and let me think." Ed finally shouted, banging his hand down on his desk. This was not how he wanted his morning to go. It was 7:30 and he hadn't even had his coffee yet. He just wanted everybody to leave.

"Isaac, thank you for the EPA or PAE or whatever it is. If there ever is an emergency I will use it. Bortus, go talk to engineering and deactivate the part of the synthesizers that can create weapons. Make it a ship law or something. Claire, I will talk to Yaphit and make sure he doesn't bother you again. Kelly, go down into the loading docks and stop this….this…zero gravity soccer thing." Ed said

"Basketball."

"What?"

"Zero gravity basketball." She clarified.

"Yes. Go stop it, and when you do bring those idiots up here so I can kill them."

"Do you think that's wise, sir?" Isaac interjected.

"What, Isaac?" he asked

"Killing Lieutenants Malloy and LaMarr would not be the most sensible, especially because currently Lieutenant LaMarr is the only one with the correct credentials who can pilot the ship while Lieutenant Malloy is recovering."

Ed closed his eyes and internally winced. Since they had gotten him back, Gordon had not been himself. Yesterday morning he had arrived for his post, and it had been obvious that he hadn't slept at all. He had actually fallen asleep at the helm, causing the ship to barely miss a flying comet. It was very unlike Gordon, and it was starting to make Ed worry about him. For the first time in their entire friendship, Gordon had nothing to say. He had become quiet and reserved, and absolutely refused to be alone with anybody, or let anyone touch him. Ed was starting to think that something worse than torture had happened on that Krill ship. Ed had given him a few days of extra sick leave so he could get some sleep and hopefully get better.

"If he's feeling well enough to play zero gravity basketball, then he is well enough to get yelled at. Go, Kelly." Ed finally said.

"Got it, sir," Kelly said, and with a swift motion, she walked out of his office. Ed stared at everyone else, who was staring at him.

"Well, get to it! Chop chop!" Ed said, waving his hands at them. He sank down into his desk and watched them all file out. Being a captain was hard sometimes. When they were all gone, he walked over to his office synthesizer and pressed the button.

"One cannabis edible, please." He said.

He watched the brownie appear on the plate.

He could already tell that today was going to be a cannabis edible kind of day.

(Cue Orville opening credits)

Thanks for reading, more will be up soon! Please leave a review and tell me what you thought!