"You were just convenient…"
The words stung as he could feel the tears forming. At this, he could see Buffy's face softening. He held his breathe hoping it meant what he thought it did but as she turned away, her last words killed him completely.
"I'm sorry, William…" and with that, she was gone from not only his crypt but his life as well.
He fell to the ground, the tears now falling freely from his eyes. Who did she think she was using his Christian name? She'd never done it before and she chose now? To what- break his heart even further than she already had? For someone who was supposed to be the good guy, she sure knew how to destroy a person completely. And at this moment, he was destroyed. Mind. Body. Soul… that was a laugh. He'd gotten his for her and all she could do was cut him down time and again. He would have taken the abuse forever too because she was his life and they both knew it.
There was no sun without her… no warmth. All he had left was this dark, dank crypt that he had tried to fix up to make her more comfortable when she came over to use him. How could he have fooled himself to think she would have stayed with him. Like she, the bit and himself could have some semblance of a family.
Ah, the bit. No-Dawn. He had grown to love her and he had enjoyed seeing her grown from his "little bit" into a beautiful young woman who would be starting college soon. He gathered that now things would be different. The bit wouldn't be around as much because of this and that broke Spike's heart to think about.
He loved Dawn as if she were his real family and it hurt him to imagine all the terrible things she would be telling her to poison her mind about him. He hoped that wouldn't happen but he just couldn't be sure now. Hopefully she would come see him soon.
No. He had to stop wallowing; he was dangerously close to being like the poof and he'd stake himself before he let that happen. No… instead he thought he should like to go out. Drinking always seemed to dull his pain anyway and as of late, he had spent many a night there. He threw on his trademark black garb and duster and headed out towards The Bronze.
At the Summers Home
Buffy knew what she'd done was wrong but she had to make him go away, didn't he see that? He was becoming important to her and she knew what that meant. She was beginning to let herself love him. No. She couldn't do it, she just couldn't risk loving someone with everything she had (and with Spike, she knew she would willingly) only for him to leave her to pick up the pieces. Angel had done it, Riley had done it… why shouldn't Spike? Even as she thought it, she knew it was wrong. Spike wasn't Angel or Riley – hell, he wasn't like anyone she had ever known before.
He was kind, devoted and willing to take any abuse she could dish out- mental or physical. She always wondered why he was like that and now she thought she finally understood. He loved her. No. He was IN love with her and nothing she could do or say could change that. Not even if she staked him then and there. NHe would still look up at her with those beautiful blue eyes like she was the greatest thing in the world.
That thought really tormented her as she walked home. That no matter what, Spike still loved her and would never hurt her.
She sat down on the second step of her porch, it was this very place where she realized he loved her and she seemed to feel something too. She had just found out her mother was sick and came outside to cry and be alone when he arrived, shotgun in hand. He had intended to kill her but in the end as he watched her cry, he realized he wanted to take the pain away. So instead he sat down beside her and consoled her all night. Not even Riley had treated her that way.
She didn't want to go inside but she knew it would only be worse if she didn't. Dawn would hate her for what she'd done. She loved Spike like he really was her family and that tore Buffy to pieces. At this moment, she wished everyone felt the way Xander did about Spike. It would just make things so much easier on her. But she knew there was no point in wishing and now she had to break a poor girls heart.
"What do you mean he isn't coming around anymore" Dawn spat. She was seething in rage at this person who was claiming to care about her. She felt so many emotions at once: fear of not seeing him, anger that he was gone, and finally acceptance that she would find a way to still talk to him. He was her protector and he couldn't very well do that if he was gone, she decided.
"Can we just talk about this later? We have to meet the Scoobies at The Bronze right now" Buffy pleaded. She was thankful for a distraction from all of this.
"Fine, but don't think for one second I'm talk to you tonight" Dawn seethed.
At The Bronze, Buffy sat at a table with her lifelong friends Willow, her girlfriend Tara, Xander and his fiancée Anya. They were a funny bunch; Two witches, a slayer and an ex vengeance demon. But tonight the humor was lost on Buffy. In fact, she just felt… lost.
Seeing Buffy stare into the nothingness, Willow got the hint that she should try and distract her from whatever was bugging her. She got up from her seat and dragged Buffy out to the dance floor. She resisted at first but soon she let the music take her over. For now she wouldn't worry about anything. She just wanted to disappear.
He had sensed her when she first came in. It was okay though because in the sea of people, he didn't actually see her. And since he was on his third ale to try and forget her he was….Buffy… his thoughts were interrupted as he saw her on the dance floor. She was not alone. She was dancing a little too close for his liking with two boys. The ale he had been holding shattered in his grip as he felt anger and jealousy course through him. She was HIS slayer, what right did those blokes have touching her?
He wanted to stop this, to go over and beat the boys senseless and claim her for his own. But he knew he couldn't remembering what she said to him earlier.
"Sir, do you still want to go up? If so, it's your turn now" A waitress came up to him shyly.
Spike calmed himself and walked onto the stage grabbing the mic. He drowned everything out as the music started. He hoped she listened good to his lyrics.
I don't have plans and schemes
And I don't have hopes and dreams
I don't have anything
Since I don't have you
Buffy's head jerked up to the stage when she heard him. Why was he doing this to her?
I don't have fond desires
I don't have happy hours
I don't have anything
Since I don't have you
Was this… for her? She already felt like the biggest jerk in the world, why was he doing this? But she knew. He loved her and he thought she left because she didn't know it. He didn't know she loved him too and was just scared. What had she done…
I don't have happiness and I guess
I never will ever again
When you walked out on me
In walked ol' misery
And he's been here since then
He hoped she was understanding this and she would see his feelings through the song. As he neared the last verse, he acted as though she were the only person in the room. Only time would tell if it worked.
I don't have love to share
And I don't have one who care
I don't have anything
Since…. I don't…. have you…
At the last line he stared into her eyes, what he saw there broke his heart- she was crying. The tears were for him and he couldn't bear knowing that. He hadn't expected this reaction, he had just expected her to walk out like she usually did.
She wasn't moving though, she just stood there staring at Spike with tears rolling down her cheeks as the boys she was with tried to pull her away. She couldn't believe what had just happened. He loved her and she was crying because she knew she loved him too. She had fought this truth so long but that's what it was. Truth. She wanted to run to him on stage but she couldn't force herself to move from that spot.
They stared for what seemed like hours until he left the stage and headed out to the street. Her silence was answer enough for him, he knew then she would never love him. He was about to get into the DeSoto when he heard her calling after him.
"Spike, wait! Please… wait…" she cried as she ran to him. What was she doing? This would never work. She was kidding herself but she knew she needed him and to keep him she needed to try. For him. She knew now that she would walk through fire if it was what he wanted and that thought scared her.
"I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry" she cried, her voice starting to fail as she tried to hold back the tears.
He was at her side in an instant trying to find the words to say… but nothing came. So instead he just held her as the music from inside started again. Feeling her in his arms made Spike happier than he'd ever been but at the same time he was anticipating the moment she would realize what she was doing and run away again. He just couldn't bear it if she did that this time. This time even Hell itself couldn't rip him away from her embrace.
Panic ran through Buffy's mind as she tried to analyze the situation. Spike was here with her , comforting her even after the terrible and obviously false things she said to him. Why? Why didn't he just run away like the others? Give her some weak reason that it was what was best for her. She wouldn't have blamed him, she really did deserve that after the way she acted.
Spike mistook the lookin her eyes for that of displeasure at being so near to him. At the moment, he couldn't dare to dream that she could be feeling things for him.
"Don't sweat it love, I'll just get out of your hair" he whispered slowly as he turned. He wanted to just take her in hisarms and help her forget but he knew she would never let him.
"Wait- don't go. Please" she cried once more. She was feeling so safe and all of a sudden it was ripped away from her. And she knew it was her fault he misunderstood. He almost hadn't heard the small plea, he did a double take when what she said registered and just stared at her in shock.
"I'm sorry, I must be going mad.. I thought you asked me not to go…" he finally got out.
"I-I did." She said finally gaining some courage.
"But why-" Spike was cut short when thoughts he dared not speak aloud to her flooded his mind. Could she…? He needed to play this out and see what would happen. He needed to know for sure.
"You Dope" she said softly.
"Dope? What had he done now? He braced for impact. "Wha-"
"Spike, isn't it obvious? I love you. That's why I needed to say what I did. It just didn't make sense for you to love me and I knew that if I let you in… eventually you would leave." She started to cry allowing the tears to stream down her face.
He could not believe the scene playing before him. She loved him and was crazy enough to think he would EVER leave her.
"Are you soddin' mad, girl?" is all he could muster.
She mistook his meaning though and thought he was upset for loving him.
"I'm sorry to have bothered you…" Buffy said as she tried to walk away. She found though a cold hand was holding her in place.
"Oh no you don't, Pet. You aren't shuttin' me out this time. We are going to suss this out once and for all" He said forcefully. She was not going to wriggle away without him finding out what she meant. He just stood there expectantly.
"I-I can't help how I feel. I love you. I want you. Even if that means I can't have the white picket fence or the 2.5 children… I don't care because I need YOU. You give me the strength I didn't know I had to go on aother day. You make me a better person just for knowing you and I am not ready for you to be out of my life" she finished with a hard swallow.
Everything she said sounded incredible, like it was all too good to be true. It had to be. Things like this didn't just happen. Not to him. For the first time in his life and well- non-life, Spike had no words. He was completely speechless to what she was saying so he did the only thing he could think of.
He pulled her into his arms and kissed her. Not the lip-bruising kisses she was used to from him but something much more gentle. Like she was used to from Angel. But it was different in a way, Spike's kiss had not only love but true unadulterated passion for her and everything she was. She didn't think he was capable of being gentle but she remembered as a human, William WAS the gentle, poetic type she usually fell for.
She fell into his kiss letting him devour her whole being if he so chose. She knew from this point on, she wouldn't be able to spend five minutes away from him let alone forever. She finally allowed herself to want to be his. And she was going to make sure he knew it every day and shower him with as much affection as he could take. Things were going to be different now.
Buffy broke the kiss and looked up into his eyes, searching for truths she always found there. What she saw there took her breath away. Love in it's purest form and it was all reserved for her.
The look of panic crossed her face again as she remembered the Scooby gang was inside probably trying to find her. "Oh god… the gang.." she got out. How was she going to explain this? She didn't want to let Spike go but she also knew the other weren't going to be okay with this. Especially not Xander and Giles. She dreaded telling the two of them, they could be pigheaded jerks when they wanted to.
At her words, Spike understood what was going through her head. He always wondered what she would do if she decided she loved him and very soon they would find out. "Whatever happens love, I am by your side. I won't let anyone bully you" he promised.
His words only cemented the way she felt about him as she took his hand and dragged him back into The Bronze. Her friends were still at the table but looking around frantically for her. Dawn was the first person who spotted them walking over, a huge grin took over her face when she noticed them holding hands.
"Hi guys, I'm sorry I just ran off like that" she said apologetically. She was trying to play this off cool but she knew by the way Xander face turned red that everyone noticed the possessive way she was holding onto Spike.
"Um… Buff, is there something you want to tell us?" Xander asked, not even bothering to hold back his anger and disgust.
"Well. I've made a decision. I realized awhile ago that I was falling for Spike and tonight I knew I had to tell him. So now we are together. And frankly, I don't care if any of you have a problem with it. I just ask that you not tell Giles until I have had the chance to speak with him" Spike squeezed her hand in encouragement.
He was still trying to register everything, his slayer loved him. Not only did she love him but she had just told her friends that they would be entering a real relationship. Spike was over the moon. It had been so long doing this dance with her.
"Dawn, are you ready? I'm suddenly very tired and would like to get home" On a roll now, Buffy decided it was time to go so she turned to her sister.
"Y-yes Buffy, let's go" Dawn just about squeaked out. She was so happy inside but she knew she should probably wait until they got home to show it.
Spike didn't know what to do when they got to the parking lot. This was all a lot to take in and he wasn't sure if the slayer- Buffy- needed family time or if he should go with her. He decided on the latter and started to walk off to his crypt.
"I'll see you later, Slayer"
"Where are you going?" Buffy asked turning towards his direction.
Spike turned confused. "I thought you wanted to go home". What was she getting at?
"Well yea but when I said that… I meant all of us. We are a family now you know" she sighed at having to explain herself.
"I-" he started to say something but thought better of it and just took her hand and led his two girls home. He reveled in the idea. HIS girls. And unless he did something unforgivable, they would be HIS girls for as long as they all lived. He and Buffy had the rest of their lives to spend together and he couldn't wait to get home to start. He smirked as they walked, knowing he would never have to spend another night in the basement…. That is, unless he was a bad bad boy.