The Twilight of Profundity
A parody fanfic
Please don't hate me for this, folks. I'm half-way through 'Twilight' and something really nags at me. The idea of discovering a coven of vampires actually existing in modern times keeps making me wonder about the implications to society. Seriously, it boggled my mind that all she thinks about is her crush when she has just proved the existence of vampires.
Now I haven't read the second half of the book yet and I don't know what happens in the sequels, so I apologise now if my questions have already been answered.
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When I reached the cafeteria my heart literally exploded in my chest at the sight of Edward, sitting alone, away from the other Cullens and suppressing a perfect grin. His perfect topaz eyes held mine in a perfect cocoon of safety and manliness, and his beautiful, unfamiliar black shirt bashfully boasted about the perfect, topaz nipples beneath.
Today his eyes were a light hazel with swirls of chocolate and a hint of translucent marshmallow. This meant he was feeling calm, open and yet still protective and rebellious. My favourite setting. I took my seat across from him and he stared from above his pizza.
"So…" I asked, tentatively. "Why do you even come to the cafeteria if you don't eat? Why not sit outside or something?"
"It rains," he said, smirking on one side of his mouth. I think the other half might have been paralysed in some way.
"Or something," I repeated. "Come to think of it, why do you even go to school? Wouldn't you be happier working a job of some kind? Why hang out with teenagers and attend the same lessons every year?"
Edward rolled his perfect topaz eyes without taking them from my own, inferior lenses. "More questions, Bella?"
"Just one more chapter of questions, okay?" I asked, failing miserably to conceal my longing to hear his perfect, melodic voice. "After that I promise something will happen other than my complaining and you flirting."
He sighed, but he was suppressing a half-smirk. "Fire away," he said perfectly. Two passing girls and three of the cafeteria staff heard his voice and fainted. One of them hurt her head pretty bad and needed stitches after.
As I stared at him, wondering what he was thinking and how much he had guessed about what I was thinking, a strange and unsettling feeling hit me. It was something I had not prepared for; a sensible and intelligent thought. My head felt light and seemed to throb.
"Edward…?" I stammered, struggling to deal with the new sensation.
"Yes, Bella?" he asked, looking all concerned and planning to rescue me from something. The headache, I guess.
"Edward… you're a vampire, right?"
He smirked, then became angry. I loved him.
"Yes," he finally admitted.
"Okay. So here's the thing. If you're a vampire then you've lived for hundreds of years? So you could be a huge help to the recording of history. And more than that! Edward, you're immortal?"
"Essentially," he said, furious but in a sexy, protective way.
"So… how is it that vampires are immortal? Because they're evil? Does this mean that evil, and the Devil as described in the Bible, actually, literally exist?"
Edward's eyes grew larger; no doubt he was enraged by the shock of hearing me demonstrate the correct use of the word 'literally'.
"And if you exist, then doesn't that mean that God exists? Do your unnatural ability and long life prove the existence of God, or at least some sort of higher power? Or magic, at least? Either way, Edward, this is huge. I can't believe I only just realised this…"
Now, for the first time, Edward seemed afraid. He looked at his pizza, muttering in a confused voice.
"It does!" I yelled. "It proves that some sort of supernatural belief system which incorporates the existence of vampires is true! Edward, tell me! Which is it?"
He jumped back, his skin paler and colder than ever.
"Let me put it this way," I began, "Do crosses harm you?"
"Myth," he replied with a relieved sigh.
I froze. "Wow."
"What, Bella?"
"You just disproved Christianity, right there! Holy crow! So, Judaism is the true faith?"
His eyes seemed to lose their colour now as he stared, open-mouthed, muttering "I dunno…" He was clearly terrified of exploring this issue, putting up walls so that he wouldn't have to alienate the readers.
"Or do vampires have no connection to Judeo-Christian beliefs, and in actuality the Native American peoples have the right idea? Jacob told me about your race as if he had a great understanding, and he also mentioned werewolves. So tell me, Edward! How did vampires originate? Which of the myths is correct, and by association, which of the major world religions is correct? I need to know, Edward, because I will eventually die, and I'd like to avoid eternal damnation! Clearly atheism is right out – your family lives forever and you possess supernatural powers. And you're not afraid of crosses, so I'm doubting Christianity. Which is it, Edward? Which?"
"Bella!" he cried, his suddenly-perfect voice cracking slightly. "I don't want to discuss this! I'm a vampire, which means I'm mysterious and tortured. That's all you need to know about it!"
A pang of shame hit me as he stared at me with his newfound vulnerability. For a moment I contemplated letting it drop to salvage our deep and meaningful teenage love, but then I remembered that his very existence held the key to the meaning of the Universe.
"Edward, just one more question…"
"No! Leave me alone, Bella, for my own good!" he yelled before picking up his uneaten pizza and marching back to the Cullens' table. He glared at me with black eyes for a while, then joined their conversation. Jasper slapped him across the back of the head.
Now I would never know. I decided that Judaism was probably most likely, based on the evidence I had witnessed during my time with Edward, and I immediately decided to convert.
With a sigh, and leaving my non-kosher meal at the table, I went to join Jessica, Mike and Eric. Suddenly they didn't seem so bad.
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