ALEX
I really shouldn't be doing this. I shouldn't be hiding in the shadows like a spy, but I can't help myself. I sip my gin & tonic and lean forward in my seat for a better view of the movements of the couple below. I feel like a stalker and if I was ever found out I would be absolutely mortified! As they move away from the bar, I stand and emerge from the shadow of the balcony to lean over the rail to get a clearer view of the floor below.
They are on the dance floor now. All eyes are on them as they flawlessly move together to the grinding beat. I imagine what it would be like to be the woman in her arms instead of the flirty redhead in the "fuck me" heels. I take a long swallow of my drink and turn away. I can't stand to watch any longer as the next song begins its slow, sensual beat. It's just too much. I don't know why I insist on putting myself through this torture. But here I am again on a Thursday night at the hottest lesbian bar in the city.
"Hey! Want another?" The waitress smiles sympathetically at me. She knows why I'm here. She can read my mood. I suppose that means I'm here way too often. It's borderline pathetic, I know.
"Yeah, Lisa. I will have one more. A double!" I smile at her as she walks away to get my drink.
My obsession with Detective Olivia Benson isn't healthy. I know this. Anything that controls all aspects of your life isn't healthy. I need to get over this. I just don't know how! It all started three months ago. My attraction to Olivia had been growing and I was desperate to spend some time with her outside of work. She always had some reason to not join me and the only time I saw her outside of work was when the whole squad would get together at the cop bar for beer and wings.
I had decided to give up and came to the conclusion that Olivia Benson had no interest in me at all, even as a friend. So, one particularly lonely night, I decided to try out the "hottest lesbian club in town". It was a busy night and I blended into the crowd effortlessly. As I made my way to a table in the back so I could people watch, my eye caught the sight of black leather and short brown hair. I thought my mind was playing tricks on me, but there on the dance floor was none other than Detective Olivia Benson. She was holding a hot young blonde in a tight black dress and they soon began to basically make out right there on the dance floor in front of everyone!
I tried to hide so I could watch undetected. That is when I noticed the balcony area just above the dance floor. Every Thursday since, I come early to claim my perch above the hustle and bustle of the club and drink no more than three gin and tonics. Every Thursday I see her with a different woman. They always share a drink, dance, make out and then leave together. Every Thursday I go home wishing I was brave enough to approach Olivia and be the woman she takes home. Every Thursday I end up being left feeling lonely and disappointed.
"Here you go, Honey." Lisa sets down my drink and I hand her some bills in payment. I smile at her and she gives me a sympathetic grin. "Why don't you just talk to her? I worry about you sitting up here all alone in the shadows."
"I know. It's just complicated." Lisa gives me a look that says "no kidding?" I let out a deep sigh. "We work together. She has no idea I'm a lesbian. And apparently she doesn't have a hard time finding someone to spend the night with." I let out a weak chuckle and sip my drink.
"oh, Honey! You got it bad!" Lisa laughs and places her palms on the table, leaning in closer to me. "Yes, she may not have trouble finding someone to spend a wild night of sex with…but what about that special someone to love and confide in? I think you need to let her know that you are at least in the running. Go down there and say Hello!"
"I don't know, Lisa. I'm just not that brave" I stare at my drink, hoping Lisa will let it go, but she doesn't.
"Well, how are you ever going to find love if you keep hiding from it? Take a chance!" Lisa stands up and shakes her head. "Ok. I said my peace. It's up to you, Honey!"
I watch as Lisa walks away and descends the stairs. What if she was right? Should I just go down there and "bump" into Olivia? What would her reaction be? My fear outweighs the benefit and I swallow down the rest of my drink. I give one more glance down towards Olivia and her partner for the evening. I am officially a chickenshit! As usual, I sneak out the back exit.
OLIVIA
I should be at home sleeping. I should know better than to be here, selecting random young women to take out my sexual frustrations. I'm too old for this. But here I am again on Thursday night dancing with a hot, young redhead. I've had a few beers and am feeling relaxed as I hold the girl close. She grinds her hips into mine. I know people are watching us but I don't care. We continue to move and I get lost in the rhythm of the song. As the song ends, I take her hand and lead her off the dance floor. This is where I suggest we get a cab back to my place. As we walk toward the front door my eye catches a glimpse of tall, blonde elegance heading down the hallway towards the back door.
"What's wrong?" The redhead, who's name escapes me, asks as I stand still and stare towards the back of the club.
"Oh, I thought I saw someone I work with" I explain.
"You wanna go say Hi before we leave?"
"NO!" I practically shout at her. I smile. "I mean, no, because I really don't think it was her. She's too sophisticated for a place like this and last I knew, she was straight." I stand there mulling it over not realizing the pout emerging on the face of my young companion.
"So, like, are we going?" The girl shuffles from foot to foot impatiently.
"Sorry. Yeah! Let's go." I grab her hand and we head off to find a cab.
The next morning I wander into the squad room, my head pounding from having drank far too much alcohol and staying up way too late for a work night. Elliot gives me a knowing smirk and sets a coffee down on the desk in front of me.
"Thanks" I mumble as I take my seat and start on paperwork.
"Soooo…..long night again?" Elliot asks and I knew he would, but I just give him a look that he knows means he should just leave it alone. He gets the message and holds up his hands in surrender and begins his own paperwork. Elliot likes to tease, but I know he's just looking out for me. He thinks he knows what mornings like this mean. Well, he does know, but he doesn't know that my nights are with a woman. He keeps suggesting men that Kathy knows and are "good guys". Whatever that means!
The week progresses as usual. We work through the weekend on a case involving a raped hooker and we have no good leads. I manage to make it through with minimal contact with Alex. I wonder if it was her I saw that night at the bar, but I am not willing to expose my personal life if it wasn't her. Elliot questions me on my avoidance of the blonde ADA but I just roll my eyes at him. He knows we have our differences and assumes we had some sort of fight. He's always trying to fix things for me. It can get annoying at times.
It's Wednesday and we finally have a suspect in custody, so we all head out for drinks after work. Elliot decided we should invite our ADA along, which is news to me until I see her approaching our table. I shoot him a look and he grins.
"Hello, guys!" Alex smiles at the table then turns to look at me. "Olivia" she states simply and takes the empty seat next to me. I smile and sip my beer. Munch grabs a glass and pours Alex a beer from one of the pitchers in the middle of the table.
"It's nice having us all together here, isn't it Olivia?" Elliot asks of me and I choke on my beer. He is so dead! I wipe the beer that dribbled out off of my mouth and just glare at him. He laughs and tops off my glass. He thinks he's being some sort of peacemaker, so I decide to just go with the flow and try to be friendly to Alex. Problem is, I really want to be MORE than friendly right now. She's sitting very close and I'm trying my best NOT to stare at her cleavage. I swear she wears those low cut shirts on purpose!
The night progresses as usual, despite my inner turmoil. Munch and Alex are discussing political theories as Fin rolls his eyes. Elliot and Cragen are discussing sports. I just smile and sit back and watch the scene. We really are a good team. Even though I sit silent, it is nice to be out with people who genuinely care about me. Elliot can be a pain in the ass, but he's just looking out for me like any good brother would do for his sister. Maybe its just the beer clouding my thinking.
"Hey, you okay there?" I look up into the most beautiful blue eyes and nod in the affirmative. I inhale as she places her hand on my thigh and gives it a reassuring squeeze. I look away and try to act like nothing happened. Alex frowns and moves her hand off of my leg. "IDIOT!" I silently scream at myself.
"Well, guys….Olivia" Alex looks at me. "Thanks for inviting me, but I have court at 8am." As Alex gets up to leave I let out a breath I hadn't even realized I was holding and down the rest of the beer in my glass.
"Anytime, Counselor." Munch states and we all watch as she makes her way to the front door. "Hate to see her go, but love to watch her leave!" Fin smacks Munch on the back of the head for that comment but its what we were thinking. I chuckle and get up and put on my coat.
"Ok, boys. Behave! I'm headed home. A girl needs her beauty sleep." I wink at them and head towards the door. Elliot follows me and stops me at the door. "I'm glad you two didn't argue or anything tonight"
"Yeah….what was that about Elliot? Did you invite her just so we could become best buds or something?"
Elliot chuckles and smiles at me. I hate when he grins like that. He thinks he's done something remarkable. If he only knew how much I actually liked Alex! I wonder what he would think? "I don't hate her, you know. If anything I probably like her too much." I snicker and realize I just said that out loud. Elliot gives me a confused look and I just pat him on his chest and head out the door to get a cab home.
ALEX
I don't know why Olivia has been so distant lately. It's like she can't stand to even be in my presence. Last night at the bar I thought things were going well, but her reaction to my touch said it all. I need to move on and forget about Olivia Benson. I'm an ADA and she is a Detective. That's the extent of our relationship.
I sit here again on a Thursday night like an insane person. That's the definition, right? Doing the same thing the same way, expecting different results? Yes, I am definitely on the path to insanity. I promised myself I wouldn't come here tonight, but somehow the address slipped out when I got into the cab. So, here I am sitting in the balcony, watching the world below as I sip my drink.
"Oh, my GOD! Alex Cabot?" My arm freezes mid sip when I hear the familiar voice. "It is you!"
"You are definitely the last person I would expect to see in here!" The somewhat masculine brunette chuckles and pulls out the vacant chair at my table and plunks down, the huge grin never leaving her face. "If I woulda known you were into the ladies, I would've asked ya out a LONG time ago!"
"Drew…ummmm. Hi!" I sip my drink and try to think of something to say. Drew works as a security guard at the courthouse. We speak often and have shared a cup of coffee a few times. My mind is blank. How do I explain my presence? What if word gets out? Ok. Damage control!
"You know I am a private person, Drew, so can we just keep this quiet? Please?" I give her my best desperate look and she laughs. I mean, she really laughs loudly! People are starting to look at us. I Hang my head and hold my hand up to my face in embarrassment.
"Oh, Alex. You are too cute!" Drew waves the waitress over and orders a beer while I plan my exit strategy.
"So, this is the first time I have been here on a Thursday. I hear that it's the spot to be. I've been on the weekends before, but the crowds a bit more young and uppity, ya know?" She stops talking to pay for the beer the waitress brings and takes a few long swigs.
"Look, Drew. I have a reputation to uphold and a job that's very important. I cannot jeopardize that so I am counting on you to not mention this to anyone." She's staring at me with a devious smirk.
"I know I'm just a security guard and don't have your college education or family money, but I value my reputation too." She leans forward towards me and motions for me to lean in closer. "I never saw you, ok? But you have to do something for me."
I cringe at the thought of what she could possibly want from me. There is no way I am going out on a date with her! "Well, that depends on what you want, Drew." I stare at her for a moment. "What do you want?"
The younger woman leans back in her chair and finishes off her beer. I am done playing games and feel a sudden urge to leave. I glance down to the bar below and see her. Olivia is there drinking a beer, scanning the crowd. "shit" I say out loud and draw the gaze of my tablemate to the floor below.
"Damn! I knew it! Johnson owes me $20! I told him Benson was gay as they come but he insisted she dates only dudes!"
"what? No! You cannot say anything! She's not out at work either!" The panic in my voice sends Drew into another fit of laughter.
"I see how it is. You two have a secret rendevous planned? No wonder you were trying to get rid of me."
"NO! Olivia doesn't know I'm gay. NO ONE knows I'm gay!" I look into Drew's eyes, hoping she understands the importance of this situation. "You are the only one who knows. I need you NOT to tell anyone. What will it take for you to keep quiet? Name your price! You want money? Dinner? What?"
I know I sound desperate, but desperate times call for this course of action. I try to read the expression on Drew's face. She looks around the balcony area then scans the floor below. We are the only people up here and the music is getting louder now. The dance floor is packed. I'm sure Olivia has found a dance partner by now.
"I want…" she gets up and stands next to me. She reaches down and takes my arm, urging me to also stand. I reluctantly get up, wondering what the shorter woman wants. "All I want, Alex….is a kiss."
OLIVIA
Well, here I am again at the bar drinking a beer straight from the bottle and scanning the crowd. So far no one has caught my interest. I saw Drew the security guard earlier, but I don't think she saw me. Elliot owes me $20. I told him she was into chicks, but he said it was just the uniform and I was stereotyping. Of course I would have to out myself to collect, so I guess Elliot gets a pass on that bet.
I'm still beating myself up about what I said to Elliot at the bar. He didn't say anything to me today, so maybe he forgot about it already. I hope he drops the whole "you need to get along with Alex" crusade so we can go back to normal. I hate when he gets so hell bent on something. He just wont let it go! I sip my beer and decide to not think about Elliot anymore.
A pretty, petite blonde with spiked hair has been eyeing me for a few minutes, so I decide to make my move. As I'm walking towards the other side of the establishment to ask her to dance, my eye catches a couple up in the balcony. They are standing near a table and kissing. I chuckle when I realize the shorter of the two is the Security Guard. GO DREW! I silently cheer her on then stop dead in my tracks when the couple separates. They quickly retreat back into the shadows of the balcony, but the taller, blonde woman definitely looked like…. Alex? NO! Alex wouldn't be here! Kissing Drew of all people! Would she?
"Hey! You gonna dance or just stand there, Buddy?" A butch woman asks me as I stand staring up at the balcony from the middle of the dance floor.
"oh, sorry!" I apologize and move back to take a seat at the bar. The cute, little blonde has lost interest and Suddenly I am in no mood to dance. So I sit and ponder the pros and cons of going up there to see for myself who exactly it was that Drew was kissing.
A/N: This is my first A/O story. I hope you like it so far and would really like some reviews! Its motivation to keep on writing! Yes, I write because I enjoy it, but I also like to know that someone is reading and enjoying it as well. All comments are welcome, but don't be a rude asshole just to be one. LOL! I like honest feedback! So, have at it! PEACE! Wendy (I'm on Twitter is you want to follow me! CSILVR25)