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Carter's Journal
By Adelie King

Chapter One: Carter's State of Turmoil

Major Samantha Carter had worked day and night to get her CO Colonel Jack O'Neill back from Edora. Dr. Janet Frasier was constantly requesting her to get some sleep. Then she observed, "You miss him don't you." Sam didn't respond but her friend knew better, "Is this a problem?" Janet asked.

Sam responded in confusion, "No I'm fine." She was not fine and Janet knew that. From what she could see her friend was falling in love with her CO. This was a definite problem. Janet managed to insist Sam to take a break and get some sleep.

Before Sam fell asleep she got out her personal diary and began writing in it for the day.

Today I've worked an exhausting shift as with several other days and nights without sleep. We're getting close to a solution I know that and that Jack will be back here before I know it. I can't stop thinking about him now and I deeply miss him. I miss him more than I usually do. I've never been so scared for one of my team in my life.

Janet observed what was going on and asked me if this was a problem. I lied to her because I was denying it myself but now I have to face up to it. I'm falling in love with Jack O'Neill and I've fallen hard. Usually I'm a happy, my head in the clouds, alive but this time I'm not allowed to be. I love my CO and I can never show it to anyone including him.

My fear is while he's on Edora he might fall for Laira and not want to come back to us. I visualize him kissing her and making love with her and it makes me want to scream and hit things. Why does being in love have to be this miserable? Right now I have to show nothing and act as if nothing has happened so nobody finds out.

That means when he comes back I'm going to have to hide it more than everyone else. Jack is observant more than anything and he's not as stupid as he believes. He can never know that I love him for fear of consequences which could destroy our careers and our lives. A court-martial is the last thing we need.

I hope I can get him back or it'll just rip my heart out. I'd rather him be with another woman than die. That's a lie I'd rather be dead myself then him being with someone else.

"I'm so tired." Sam yawned and closed her diary. Then she lied down to go to sleep but was still too wound up. Her exhaustion is what made her finally sleep.

One month later after all her hard work they finally got him out of there. Sam was happy until…Jack hugged and kissed Laira. Her feeling of relief just turned to agony making her look away it was so painful to watch. Then he asked her come with him and that just ripped her heart out. Thankfully she refused which gave her some relief but not much.

Sam buried everything she was feeling but was more silent than usual on the way back and through the Stargate. She was so exhausted and hurt she decided to head home. When Daniel asked if she would go to a welcome back dinner for Jack, she didn't want to go but if she refused it could be suspicious.

They went to dinner at O'Malley's in town. They all visited but she remained quiet the whole time. Sam had only said a few things and that was it. Finally she got up and hustled some cash out of some pool players.

Jack had noticed her behavior and soon as she left the table he inquired, "What's with Carter…She's barely spoken a word tonight?"

Daniel speculated, "She's probably exhausted Jack…" He paused and informed him, "She'd worked day and night for three months to get you back. It obviously took a toll on her. It would anyone in her position."

"That's not it." Jack countered, "She's usually ecstatic when she succeeds not quiet and withdrawn like this." He then observed, "There's something else going on."

Teal'c entered the conversation, "I agree with O'Neill. Major Carter has been unusually quiet and withdrawn for the past month." He recalled. "Then she was happy when we went to Edora. Afterward she quieted down and had barely spoken to anyone."

"Something's wrong." Jack rose from their table setting his Guinness on the table, "I'm going to talk to her." He then walked over to the pool table area. She was sinking the last ball when he made it over there. When she looked up at him she almost glared at him. Jack knew it was him she was upset with. He approached and requested loudly over the jukebox, "Carter can I talk you?"

Sam didn't want to talk but knew she had to or he was going to be even more suspicious. "Yes Sir." She handed the cue stick over and collected her winnings after she cleaned them out.

When she was close enough he asked, "What's going on with you Carter?"

"Nothing is going on…" she lied and asked, "Why would you think that?" Sam tried to avoid looking at him and that was definitely not her. She always was direct looking at someone.

"You're not yourself tonight." Jack observed, "You've barely spoken a word all night and I feel like you're avoiding me." Then he added, "And you can't even look me in the face for some reason." Jack concluded, "That alone tells me you're mad at me."

Sam crossed her arms hoping he'd just go away and leave her alone. That was wishful thinking on her part because Jack didn't give up that easily, "Carter damn it will you tell me why you're mad at me!"

"Mad at you." she turned around and glared at him, "Why should I be mad at you?" Sam walked closer to him. "I spent three months trying to get you back and…" She said cynically and stopped herself before she slipped and told him.

"And what Carter?" Jack's voice was loud because of the music, "What did I do?"

Sam had to think of something to tell him and finally did, "Because you weren't even grateful and acted like you didn't want to leave." She was slipping again then said something venomous to him, "I should've just left you there since it was obvious you didn't care what I did." Then she abruptly turned around.

"Carter!" Jack demanded, "Don't you walk away from me!" She continued walking ignoring him. Then he walked up and grabbed her arm, "Carter!" Out of reflex she swung around and punched him in the face sending him to the floor. Jack grabbed his jaw in shock.

Sam froze when she realized what she just did. "Carter what the hell is the matter with you!" Jack demanded sitting back up. She was so upset and guilty she turned and left before she did anything else stupid. Jack decided it was safer for his face if he just let her go and cool off.

One of the men at the bar remarked, "Boy she has it real bad for you buddy." Then the other guys laughed at the obvious.

Jack just stared watching Sam leaving the restaurant ignoring the man's comment completely. He just rubbed his jaw, got up and headed back to the table. When he got there Daniel and Teal'c were as baffled as he was. "What the hell just happened?" Daniel asked confused and in awe.

"I don't know I was confronting her on what was going on…" Jack still rubbed his now sore jaw and told them, "I managed to get a few words out of her." He paused and added, "She walked away from me and I grabbed her arm to make her look at me. Then she decked me."

Teal'c calmly remarked, "I guess your theory was correct O'Neill…She is very angry at you about something."

Daniel suggested, "I think you should stay away from her a few days Jack."

"Yeah my jaw is thinking the same thing." Jack remarked and insisted, "Let's get out of here before we get kicked out."

Sam was writing in her diary after she managed to cool down after a couple glasses of wine. She couldn't stop crying from guilt still beside herself that she hit her CO, the man she loved.

What was with me? I just hit Jack, my CO. How could I have let my jealousy take over like that? I was so angry at him that I just had to hit him. Sadly it felt good at the same time after how he acted with Laira. God I hate her. She was the reason I hit him in the first place. Jack is not mine and I had no right to hit him but I feel like he cheated on me.

How could I let one man turn me into such a mess? I've faced the scariest enemies and situations imagined. I'm one of the most disciplined women in the USAF. Now I'm acting like a stupid jealous teenage girl. God I'm so stupid what I did was stupid. Now I'm probably going to get court-martialed for assault and battery of my CO.

Now instead of keeping anybody from finding out there's going to be talk of the incident all over the base. I have no idea how I'm going to explain this to Hammond when he finds out and the way gossip flies I'll be in his office Monday morning. There's no way out of this one. I might as well resign now. My career is over.

Jack is going to hate me for sure after I almost broke his jaw. He'll want me off SG1 after this incident. Oh how will I fix this?

Sam felt better having written her anger out but that didn't stop the guilt she was feeling after hitting Jack like that.Heartbreak was not very easy to deal with for anyone but she was not just anyone. She was one of most brilliant officers and scientists on the planet. Sam was trained to not let feelings compromise and get to her and she let them.

She wasn't feeling so good now not to mention her hand and she was sure Jack's jaw wasn't feeling any better either. Sam poured another glass of wine, her fourth that evening and gulped it down. "He's not going to ever love me now." She predicted and started to cry again. "No man loves a woman who breaks his jaw."

Sam was going to act as if nothing happed and hoped it would just be left behind her. That however was doubtful. So she gulped down more and more wine until she finally calmed down and went to sleep.