Not Enough
It was never enough with me though was it? You knew that. You just did all this to humor me. To make me happy. I could tell you were never really into it. You never wanted to leave your home, your family and your friends.
I'm not like you though am I? I never was and never will be. My family was dysfunctional and out placed while yours was warm and happy and blended in. I never had that many friends, other than you.
Yea, just you. Because I don't care what they say, you were the only thing that mattered to me. You were the only thing that kept me going, kept me fighting for what I thought was right. With your soft smile and soothing words. You were what kept me from going insane on an island prison.
I should have just accepted it. I should have stopped fighting it and maybe all this wouldn't have happened.
But that's not what you would say is it? You'd say that none of this is my fault and it was going to happen anyway. Because that's the kind of person you are. You always managed to shift the blame to something menial like destiny.
I hate destiny right now. I hate her and all her little trickeries. This isn't the adventure we wanted, these aren't the worlds we pined for.
And this wasn't the way things were supposed to happen. We were suppose to go together not pitted against one another.
It's too late now to change the past. It's too late now for melancholy thoughts and might have beens.
And because of me and me stupid dreams, we'll probably never see each other again.
But I suppose that if you were here you'd reprimand me for that kind of thinking. You'd smile gently like you're so good at doing and make me optimistic again.
It's so hard to be positive without you here.
Damn it this wasn't the way our lives were suppose to go. We were going to set out together, us three; because you invited her; and we'd go everywhere together and do everything together.
And if trouble came our way I'd slay it down. Not because I thought I was better than you, God knows I don't. but because I want to save you scars.
Yea, I did a good job of that didn't I?
Maybe it's the darkness of this place that makes every thought so dismal. Maybe it's the drastic lack of you that makes my heart ache and clench like this?
Another secret to add to my dirty life: I love you. And you probably hate me now so none of this matters does it?
Not that I expect you to return that feeble emotion. You're too pure
No. not pure, you'd kill me for calling you that saying "You're making me sound like a girl Riku!" as you push me in the arm.
So you're not pure, you're innocent. Sweetly delectably innocent.
And totally oblivious to the mega huge hints I dropped on you before all this happened.
But like I said before, none of it matters. I chose my fate when I helped seal the doors. This is where I belong, in darkness and away from you.
Away from your gorgeous eyes that are a blue all their own. That sparkle with the life I've come to know so well. Don't you dare let anyone tell you you're predictable because you are the most complex person I know.
And your God awfully cute pout. I use to tease you just to watch your lips jut just so. You are more than I can say.
And you belong in the light, soaking up the sunshine and letting the wind paint a smile on your lips. You deserve to be happy and free. Free like the sky.
Because that's what you are. The sky. The sky that no one can live without. Go spread your light to those more worthy of it.
Go find happiness in someone who won't fuck up the universe like yours truly did. I'm tainted and dirty. I don't deserve to touch you, let alone say I know you.
Maybe that's what I meant when I told you to take care of her. You two, take care of each other you know? Be happy together because she's the princess of your heart and we both know it.
And I'll take care of the shadows that follow us wherever we go. I'll be here, to do the only thing I seem to be able to do right. I'll protect you both this time… it may not be enough, but it'll do to keep you safe…
A.N. late night angst from a caffeine ridden teen listening to Our Lady Peace. Blah. umm… blame it on the music?
A.N. This was written up way back in October, but I really didn't like it at the time. So it sat here on my desktop, collecting cyber dust bunnies and I've grown rather fond of it. .