Disclaimer: I don't own Inuyasha nor do I own Tourniquet - Evanescence.
AN: I lied... Inuyasha you are a dick will not be my only Inu/Kag fic.
AN 2: This fic is inspired by Tourniquet by Evanescence. Also in this fic it is reprocussions of Inuyasha's choice... Kikyo or Kagome.
AN 3: I do not approve of suicide, so people don't get ideas thinking that I do and try to get me in trouble.
He had been selfish. Told me what I had wanted and longed to hear... that he loved me. He did love me. He truly did. But the love he held for me would always be overshadowed by the love and guilt he had for Kikyo.
He didn't tell me that of course. He still needed me for the jewel shards and as long as I was around he would have a link to Kikyo. It hurt so much and I let him continue to hurt me so he could have some happiness. But I was a fool to believe that the happiness I brought him would take me from her shadow and place me in his heart in her place. In retrospect I brought it on myself.
I tried to kill the pain
But only brought more
(So much more)
There came the day that he told me that he cared for me. I was filled with such hope. I was finally pushing her out and coming in. I was elated to have him caring for me because I cared for him so deeply. I would finally be his woman and have the love I held for him returned.
From that moment, I did what I could to keep him happy. I took his rough words and brushed them aside, made excuses for his behavior when he would disappear whenever Kikyo's aura would come close to our group. I let him hurt me and never said a word to him. I just let it build because I loved him.
I lay dying and I'm pouring
Crimson regret
And betrayal
We would travel far and wide searching for Naraku and the jewel. I would follow him into the worst of dangers for me, so I would know he was okay. I put my life at risk to check on him. I would never have done that for anyone but for him. I would never of searched for the jewel if it wasn't for him. I would never of let Kikyo continue walking around with a peice of my soul if it didn't make him happy.
I'm dying, praying
Bleeding, I'm screaming
"Am I too lost to be saved?
Am I too lost?"
I was a fool though. He only told me that he cared and loved me because it suited his purpose. He only wanted the jewel and Kikyo. I was never worth his time except as a reminder of Kikyo and the jewel that I had shattered. I never really made him happy. All of those times he had smiled and laughed with me, were feigned.
No matter how much the fakeness bothered me, I would brush it off and put on a smile. I just wanted to be near him, love him, keep him happy; that was all I wanted. No matter how much it hurt me, broke me, I would endure it to make him happy.
My God, my tourniquet
Return to me salvation
My God, my tourniquet
Return to me salvation
I went as far as saving Kikyo from miasma deteriorating her clay body. I risked myself to save her. I suffered her abuse. I lied to Inuyasha about her attacking me and taking the jewel shards. I aligned myself with her to help her in our escape from the cave that ate priestesses. I let Inuyasha go after her, and then found that it was an imitation of her, on Horai Island. I even sent Inuyasha to find her when Naraku had said that he killed her during the fight into Mount Hakurei.
Do you remember me?
Lost for so long
Will you be on the other side?
Or will you forget me?
I did it all so he wouldn't see her in a bad light, so he would no she was safe, so he would be able to try to protect her, all because I loved him. Oh, did it hurt me and I broke so much during those times but I hung on to my little sliver of faith that just maybe he would love me. I would do almost anything to just see him smile.
I'm dying, praying
Bleeding and screaming
"Am I too lost to be saved?
Am I too lost?"
Atleast I always told myself that. Every time he hurt me my sliver of faith would shrink smaller and smaller. When the end of our battle against Naraku was upon us and he was defeated, I had the jewel in my hands. I didn't know what to wish for and wanted it to be a benefit to everyone the jewel had hurt. I had looked at my friends. Shippo was laying on Kirara and Miroku was holding Sango. They were happy.
My God, my tourniquet
Return to me salvation
My God, my tourniquet
Return to me salvation
I had then looked at Inuyasha. He was right next to me. I looked him in the eyes and saw that he was staring greedily at the jewel. I tried to speak to him but he asked me for the jewel and I asked him why he had wanted it. His answer killed me. Even the smallest spark of hope I had faded. I broke and died inside. I was numb and cold. He wanted to bring Kikyo back. I had a feeling that was what his answer was going to be but I had realized in order for Kikyo to live I would have to die.
Return to me salvation
I long to die
That killed me. He wanted me to die so she could live. I loved him so much and he wanted me to trade places with that clay woman who wanted to change him, who never accepted him for who he was. A woman that had hurt him, tried to drag him to hell for something he had never done and to stay there with her when she wouldn't even be there because she had already been reborn into me. He wanted to bring her back and love her and have me die so she could be brought back.
I couldn't cry or scream at him. The subjugation word tickled my tongue but I couldn't bring myself to say it. Sango, Miroku, Shippo, and Kirara were berating him for his treatment of me then. I don't know what had made me do it but I had ran. My tears had decided to fall then. I could feel them scald their way down my face. That was all I could feel. I ran on and on; branches snapped against my arms, legs, and face but I didn't feel them. My blood running down from the welts and wounds I could feel. It was as cold as ice.
My God, my tourniquet
Return to me salvation
My God, my tourniquet
Return to me salvation
I knew that I should stop running, that I was hurting myself but I didn't care. I just wanted some other pain to overpower the one in my chest but nothing was happening, it stayed so strong. I just wanted it to stop. I wanted to feel absolutely nothing. I prayed for it to all be a nightmare and I would wake up but I knew that it wasn't. I begged for it to stop but it didn't. I just ran, well limped, my muscles must have been trying to give out but I wouldn't stop. I wanted it to go away, to end forever. I wanted to give Inuyasha my hurt and I wanted to hurt Kikyo so much. I wanted my hurt to die. I wanted to kill my pain. I wanted to die. That would end my suffering and would hurt them.
I could hear roaring ahead of me. I could smell water and knew that I was at a waterfall. I could die there in peace. Peace would have been nice but it wasn't to be. Kikyo was there, gazing passively at the falls deep in thought. She didn't even realize I was there until I was walking passed her. She called my name and I turned my gaze to her and I could see her face change into surprise. She could see that I was dead inside. She didn't say anything to me.
I continued my way to the falls and looked down. It was a long way down but I didn't care as I felt the throbbing in my chest and looked at the woman who I was reincarnated from. The world would be better if she was gone and then in essence if I was as well. I glared at the jewel in my grasp and said to it that I wished that it was just gone and it disappeared. I heard Kikyos' enraged gasp. I hurt her plans to live again.
I could hear Inuyashas' yelling. He was close but not close enough to save me and I jumped. Kikyos' scream and the roar of the falls were the last sounds I heard. I didn't die from the fall but from the lack of oxygen that my lungs couldn't get from my hit on the water had pushed it from me so I drowned. I killed my pain and got my revenge. Inuyasha would never have Kikyo and Kikyos' soul would end with me. I committed suicide so our soul would never be reborn and Kikyo would never get to have a chance at life again.
My wounds cry for the grave
My soul cries for deliverance
Will I be denied Christ?
(Christ)
Tourniquet, my suicide