Tears of Insane Men
Sirius won't eat. He is too scared and too proud to taste the food that has been shoved through his bars. He can feel his ribs beginning to poke at his skin. As Sirius watches the sun rise again, he can almost feel his old muscles shrivel into pockets of skin.
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Remus will come for him soon. Sirius knows it; Remus, his friend of old. Remus won't leave him here to rot like a mangy apple core. He stares out of his cell at the white-tipped sea below and watches another golden orb rise. Remus will come soon; he can wait a little longer.
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Remus hasn't come.
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Sirius pushes away the food; nothing they touch will pass his lips. He would rather die. Die? That is a rather morbid thought for someone who knows he will be rescued soon.
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More sun rises come and go in the blink of an eye. Sirius tips over his water and, from the crack below his window, watches it join the ocean with a splash. Sirius wonders how long it had been since he has bathed. Longer than ever before, he supposes. He wishes Remus would hurry up.
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Finally, he has done it. He's transformed. Padding-Foot's body is skinny and mangy and matted. Padding-Foot's priorities are different to Sirius' own as well, but Sirius is so glad to have him back, that he lets Padding-Foot have his way. Padding-Foot is waiting for Remus too. At least he isn't completely alone anymore.
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Food is rarely brought to his cell now, and Sirius is glad for it. The less temptation, the less like reality his world felt. Padding-Foot agrees with him there.
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It is easier to sleep as Padding-Foot, Sirius had discovered. Nightmares were less real and Padding-Foot's dreams tend to involve chasing rabbits or lying in front of a fire. Sirius enjoys those dreams far more than his own, which generally involve fire and screaming and two broken bodies. Padding-Foot growls, he is growing impatient, where could the Moon-Alpha be?
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Padding-Foot wakes up to screaming in the next cell. He startles back asking what the noise means. A dark haired woman shivers and shakes under a threadbare blanket and gives another fur-raising screech. Bellatrix, Sirius explains. She's insane. Padding-Foot gives another shake, and as he curls up on the far side of the metal-shell, he wonders if they'll go insane too.
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Sirius wonders if they already are.
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Sirius is hungry. Padding-Foot is starving. The two of them sit at the back of their cell and shake. Padding-Foot sniffs at the hard bread and Sirius reluctantly pulls him away. Hurry up, Moon-Alpha, Padfoot breathes. Sirius closes his eyes and thinks about hunger.
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Padding-Foot whines in hunger, barely able to sit up. Weakness stabs at his side and Sirius' pride has worn down to its nub. Padding-Foot smells something, and immediately they are both alert to the pulsing of a fast heart-beat. They can hear the red blood pumping and Padding-Foot licks his nose. He walks to the barred-wall and presses against the silver. Then, he delicately places a single paw on the other side of the metal-shell. His nose quivers uncertainly, and then he pounces.
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Sirius has no way to mark how long he's been here. Days or weeks? – He's not sure whether he wants to know; daylight and moonlight seemed to have merged together as well. He hopes Remus won't take too much longer.
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Padding-Foot has improved at hunting the small animals that somehow windup on the dark-land. He drinks from the shallow lake near the fog-bay. The water is black, like the night, but Padding-Foot thirsts and Sirius' pride prevents them from drinking the water in the strange upright bowls. Padding-Foot's not sure if he could even get his muzzle to the liquid anyway.
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Padding-Foot dreams he's back at the Den-of-Alpha, his friends are there. Moon-Alpha, Towering-Prongs and Wormed-of-Tail greet him as best they can. Growling his own welcome, Padding-Foot allows Wormed-of-Tail to scamper onto his back. Moon-Alpha heads towards the tunnel-to-above. Towering-Prongs shoves his way in front of Moon-Alpha and Padding-Foot gives a warning bark. Moon-Alpha is leader. Towering-Prongs bows his head, allowing Moon-Alpha to leave first and flinching as he earns a snap for his daring. Padding-Foot gives a quick nip as he passes Towering-Prongs too, taking up his Beta position as they reach flat-land.
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Sirius wakes from the dream crying. Padding-Foot howls in longing and they both stare at the full moon from the window wondering where their friend is.
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People are taken, screaming, from their cells. Padding-Foot shrinks back further each time a wraith passes their shell. Bellatrix screams more now, and louder. Padding-Foot is reminded of the screams of Moon-Alpha before he changes.
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Padding-Foot dreams of his old friends again. Wormed-of-Tail vanishes and no matter where they search for him, he cannot be found.
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Next, Towering-Prongs fades and it's just Padding-Foot and Moon-Alpha. It's not so bad, less exciting and hunting-for-joy is far less fun with only the two of them. Moon-Alpha vanishes, Padding-Foot is left alone and no matter how loudly he calls, there is no reply.
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Padding-Foot whimpers as another scream pierces the evening, it's high and keening on his ears. More and more often; they torment the other prisoners of the metal-shells. Sometimes, the people in the cages around them join in the yelling, Bellatrix especially. Sirius screams too, although Padding-Foot knows it's just to prove that they won't be silenced. He joins by howling.
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Sirius finishes gnawing on a rat, throwing the bone into Bellatrix's cell and watching as she moved sluggishly across the floor to examine the bone. She glances across at Sirius and for the first time really sees who he is. She blinks, and then her mouth cracks into a wide grin. She begins to laugh.
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Moon-Alpha; is Padding-Foot's only miserable thought, Moon-Alpha, Moon-Alpha; help. He howls at another full moon, wishing that his friend could hear his cries for help.
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Sirius knows it won't be long, Padding-Foot knows it too. They gather around their cell and wait now, as if they can sense that it will only be so long before they break. Remus, old friend; Sirius' eyes close as the sun begins to set again, please let me see you. Just one last time. Padding-Foot adds his own plea; Come, Moon-Alpha.
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It's become their sole purpose to keep each other's eyes open, now the sun and moon circle has two constant observers as they wait, watching the sea for a sign from their Pack-Brother.
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Remus comes to visit. Sirius smiles for the first time since he's arrived, welcoming the sight of the man who he has called his friend for over eight years. Remus didn't return the grin.
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Padding-Foot rejoices at the return of Moon-Alpha, albeit in his two-legged form, but Moon-Alpha doesn't greet them. He just watches from outside the shell.
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"Transform back, Sirius," Remus says, his eyes are concealed by his hair and Sirius notices more slash marks across his face than he remembered. Padding-Foot reluctantly retreats back into Sirius' mind and he stands, reaching out a hand through the bars to hold Remus' shoulder.
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"Moony," Sirius sighs with relief as his hand connects with solid flesh, Remus is silent and Padding-Foot gives a warning whimper from his pocket in Sirius' head. Something isn't right. "Remus?"
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Remus takes a step closer to the bars, and brushes Sirius' hand from his shoulder so swiftly that Sirius stumbles.
"How could you?" his voice is so accusing that Sirius flinches away from it, Remus apparently takes it as confirmation and turns to walk away.
"Wait," Sirius rasps and he claws haggardly at the air as if he could draw Remus back that way. Remus stops.
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Padding-Foot knows something is wrong, Moon-Alpha is quiet. Sirius and Two-legged Moon-Alpha; Remus, he reminds himself, are yapping to each other quietly. Suddenly, Moon-Alpha growls and Padding-Foot can feel the wolf beginning to surface.
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"Why should I wait?" Remus asks. "Why should I do anything you ask? Can you tell me that?" Sirius shakes his head wordlessly as Remus spins around and strides back to his barred gate, "If you can give me one good reason, I'll wait." He laughs harshly and Sirius is confused, he has never heard Remus sound so angry and mirthless.
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"We're friends," he tries and Remus' cackling reaches a crescendo of fury.
"Try again, Black."
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Then he turns away and walks past Bellatrix's cell not even glancing back as Sirius gives a cry, springing from his frozen in shock position to the bars, he stretches out his limbs and Padding-Foot asks to squeeze through the bars. But Remus is already gone.
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"The Dark Lord will rescue me," Bellatrix whispers softly as she leans furtively towards Sirius' chamber. "Now who can come to save you?" She dances back, laughing as Sirius lunges for her, hands grappling for her neck.
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Padding-Foot hunts sparingly; their energy is being sapped along with Sirius' will to escape. There's nothing for him to do but wait for his unavoidable end.
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Sirius has a nightmare, it's a familiar one, tinged with freedom and ending in capture. When he starts awake, unbalanced on two legs, he heads for the window and watches the empty void of purple blackness. He is comforted by the thought that, even in the eerie silence, he isn't alone in the universe.
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He wakes again the next night, watching the silver moon wax; he remembers something this time, instead of the tints and flavours of emotions he sees faces. James, the name sounds strange in his head.
"James," he tries. The other thoughts of James were smiling and laughing, in this memory, James Potter lay motionless. A cold feeling overwhelms him; "No." James' skin is pale and his eyes open, but gazing glassily ahead like a doll. Sirius cowers back and covers his ears, closing his eyes but the image of his old friend is stuck to his eye-lids and nothing will dispel him.
"NO!"
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Padding-Foot snuffles into his paws, keeping one eye on the path outside of their shell and the other focused on the clouds. The sky is grey and blurry and masked with unshed, human tears.
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Sirius hugs his legs, body shaking with the strength of his sobbing. He tries to muffle the sniffling, but he finds that all his strength has vanished. His will is crumbling with his sanity. He needs to tell someone.
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Padding-Foot howls at another full moon, calling to his Pack-Brothers and not expecting a response. He senses one is gone, forever unreachable. The No-Breath has struck down Towering-Prongs, the mighty stag. Another has passed beyond the Pack-Brother's; Wormed-of-Tail is as good as hit. Moon-Alpha is his only hope, and his only friend.
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And Padding-Foot calls to him every Moon-Rise.
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"TRAITOR!" Sirius screams, tears tracking down his cheeks over and over like a loop. Everything has become clear to him, as if a crystal ball has unclouded to reveal the truth.
"So you admit it," a familiar and welcomed voice said coldly. "That's all I need to hear."
"Moony?" Sirius asks incredulously, but he doesn't turn around.
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Padding-Foot feels the approach of Moon-Alpha. Pack-Brother, he calls.
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"Padfoot," Remus says. Sirius hears the sharp squeal of the gate and Remus crunches the rusted cell door open. He hears the pads of shoes on the floor and finally looks up into the amber eyes that never change.
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Padding-Foot rejoices at the sound of his name, Moon-Alpha is just below the skin of the two-leg, Remus. Sirius is still crying, and Padding-Foot retreats in his attempts at comfort, best to let Remus handle this.
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"It wasn't me," Sirius chokes out. "It wasn't, it wasn't." Remus stares at him emotionlessly and Sirius repeats his claim over and over. "It wasn't me, not us – I mean me. It was…" He trails off and curls into a ball, retching sobs and suffocating under the weight of tears.
"I don't believe you," Remus says, shaking his head. "First, you kill James -" Sirius gazes, stricken, at him, shaking his head and gawking. "You killed James!" Remus shouts again, amber eyes flashing and Sirius covers his ears.
"No, no, no, no," he whispers.
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Padding-Foot cowers under the growling of Moon-Alpha. His Pack-Brother has never been so angry with him before. He gives a whimper: What have I done wrong? He asks.
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Remus prises Sirius hands from his head and drags his wrists down.
"Yes," he hisses. "And then you killed Peter."
"NO!" Sirius cries desperately, "Remus, you've got to -" Remus swipes his wand and Sirius falls silent.
"I haven't 'got to' do anything, Black." Remus' eyes grow unusually bright.
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Padding-Foot is silenced and he can't call to Moon-Alpha.
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"I want to ask why," Remus says, "But I don't think I'd like the answer very much." He turns to Sirius. "I would've never believed it, but… I guess things change." He laughs, "You taught me how to be strong, and now I'm strong enough to hate you."
Remus looks out of the window, "They were our brothers, and now they're dead. Was I next?" Remus glared at Sirius, eyes full of wolf-fury; he stands and leaves the cell. "Well, too bad; I'm still standing."
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Sirius can talk again as soon as Remus leaves the island; he cries bitter tears of self-pity and resentment. He's missed his chance and Padding-Foot knows it too, they wait together for the end.
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"You should stop your crying," a crackling voice says quietly from the left of the forked path. Sirius crawls to the gate and gazes curiously at the withered old man. "This sea is made of tears, you know," he continues doggedly, eyes gazing sightlessly to the right. "Made from the weeping of insane men," Sirius stands hurriedly and gazes out of the window, trying to forget everything. All he can see is an ocean of tears.
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Padding-Foot finds it harder to hunt, the screams of two-legs who cannot be found haunting his waking moments and more of the No-Breath scent sends his mind into spirals of terror.
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Sirius tries to stop his tears from falling, but they overflow as he mourns the losses of his friends. They splatter like rain as he feels himself wasting away and insanity eats away at his mind.
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Padding-Foot sighs at the moon, taking a deep breath before letting a whining howl splutter from his parched lips. Instead, Padding-Foot stares up at the moon and hopes that somewhere, Moon-Alpha will feel his gaze and come back.
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The next day, Sirius wakes up. He wakes properly, eyes flickering open and sunlight greeting him. He feels refreshed, invigorated, determined. Odd, hasn't he given up? Still puzzling over his sudden return to lucidity, Sirius begins to jog around his three metres wide – three metres long cell.
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Pettigrew, he thinks viciously only a couple of days later. Padding-Foot has been hunting and better than he has been for a long time, Sirius sets his mind to work.
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Padding-Foot gives a snarl of outrage. He wants to howl "betrayal" to the moon, but it is daylight, and besides, Moon-Alpha won't hear him from here. (Wherever 'here' is exactly, Padding-Foot isn't quite sure.) He yowls anyway; it makes him feel slightly better.
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Sirius is planning revenge again. With lunacy taking a back-seat in his plans for now, his mind is ready and waiting, full of schemes. He stares down at the choppy ocean with a snarky grin plastered across his gaunt features; Pettigrew will pay. Screams fill the air as another soul is taken, forcefully from its inhabitant. Slowly, Sirius begins to laugh.
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Moon-Alpha, Wormed-of-Tail, Padding-Foot and Towering-Prongs; Padding-Foot thought miserably, tail hanging limp. One No-Breath, one traitor, one lost and him, captured.
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Time passes, sometimes in quick bursts of nothingness and other times in drawn out hours that can last forever. He counts by the full moon. Twenty-seven have passed since his return from the metaphorical brink and, who knows how many passed whilst he was there.
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There is a vague memory of amber eyes that glow and Sirius hangs onto that, Remus will come back again and when he does, Sirius will be ready.
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Padding-Foot howls for his Pack-Brother to return and this time, he swears he hears a faint answering call.
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Seven moons later, Remus returns, lighting warily outside the cell. He's wearing tattered robes and he has a permanently tired look about him that Sirius is just itching to rid immediately from the vicinity of his prison.
"Not looking so good there, Moony," he jokes softly; offering peace. Remus grimaces, and unlocks the door. They stand opposite each other.
"Back from the verge of insanity, are we?" Remus asks, "Last time I visited you were utterly bonkers and rapidly declining in health." He scans Sirius up and down several times before declaring in a rather bored tone: "Looks like you decided to regain your senses, although they were never particularly great. And, you're not exactly looking fabulous yourself, Black; think demented, lunatic, mass-murderer with fleas and issues with personal hygiene."
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Padding-Foot can't sense Moon-Alpha so much; his Pack-Brother is further below Remus' skin, but he knows that Moon-Alpha is there and that is a comfort in itself.
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Remus leaves the cell. "I came here because Dumbledore told me to when we found out that you had apparently taken a supposedly impossible route, the up-hill one. Azkaban is meant to be a vertical drop." He cracks a smile, "I should have known that you wouldn't be in any way a normal case." He shuts the gate behind him, leaving Sirius powerless, "I will tell him that you are alive, climbing and well enough to insult me; I hope this phase will not last long."
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Padding-Foot knows it won't be long before Moon-Alpha returns. As he calls again eleven moons later a definite answer is howled back: 'I am coming Pack-Brother'. Padding-Foot rips a rat to shreds, indulging in the pretence that it is Wormed-of-Tail, and then settles back to wait.
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Remus arrives at a brisk pace. Sirius extends an arm in greeting and tackles his friend to the floor.
"Sirius," Remus struggles and snarls. "I'll call the guards. So help me, I will." Sirius wrestles with his friend for the single wand finally biting Remus' hand hard enough that he was forced to let go. Sirius points the wand at Remus who shrugs.
"Go on then," amber eyes glare at him, sharper than flint stones. "Kill me like you have the rest of your brothers. Do it!"
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Sirius bursts into tears, shaking and gasping as Remus gains a twin and then loses him quickly.
"It was P-P-Pettigrew…" He stuttered, the wand swinging crazily in his grasp like a pendulum. "Peter killed James," suddenly Remus was right in his face.
"No, you did," Sirius shakes his head. "I was there when James and Lily chose you as secret-keeper. I'm not stupid!"
"We s-s-switched," Sirius explains
"And why wouldn't I have been told?" Remus explodes. The wand is gone from Sirius' hand, flying across the room towards Remus.
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When Sirius wakes up, it's to absolute darkness and pain. Panting he looks around for any sign of Remus, there is none. He lets out a tortured bellow and shrieks the night away.
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Padding-Foot is alone; he knows that Moon-Alpha will not be returning; the fight had made that quite clear. Sirius and Remus giving into two-legged blood-lust was unforeseen and undeniably scary. He howls to the full moon anyway; it annoys Bellatrix.
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Now that he has returned to a stable state of mind, Sirius worries about Harry. His little Godson, or maybe not such a little Godson anymore. Sirius wonders about him as he watches a boy of about fifteen with ghostly staring eyes get dragged past. The Dementors shove his body into a hole and it fills itself. Sirius hadn't known people could be buried here.
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He wonders if that'll happen to him.
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The smell of terror and sweat is everywhere for a while after the young two-leg is buried, Padding-Foot hears whispers of No-Breath on the breeze as it whistles past and he barks defiantly because they can't come for them now.
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Sirius thinks it might be a good idea to remember a little more, general haze being his barrier. Only once he sees the dashing lights and hears the chilling laughter and tastes the blood in the air does he think that the fog was protecting him.
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He recalls more faces now, people from the Order. People in his family. People behind masks. He sees Regulus often and wonders where his little brother is now, as well as Nymphadora. School is a clearing of sun in his world of smoke and Sirius can spend days at a time reliving Hogwarts, but school only lasts for so long.
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"NO!" Sirius wakes up screaming again, his tears taste like salt and he consciously moves away from the window and the grey ocean below. Regulus, dead? Sirius rocks back and forth, weeping like a baby; his little brother is dead.
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A sandy-haired boy shrieks and Bellatrix leans towards him, looking less insane and more annoyed than she does presently.
"Barty, how wonderful to see you," she croons pressing her face to the bars. His accompanying party turn to leave and the boy scrabbles for the hem of an older wizards robe. Sirius sees his face and wakes with vengeance planted in his mind. Bartemius Crouch.
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Thirty moons rise and fall into the hungry seas and bodies pile in festering mounds that Sirius wonders how he ever managed to miss. Loneliness overwhelms him and he resorts back to Padding-Foot's company.
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Padding-Foot enjoys hunting now, rats especially because of the traitor Wormed-of-Tail. Hunting makes him feel powerful and strong and Sirius regains his pride, swearing loudly into the night to show that he's still breathing and won't be hushed.
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A short man carries a paper with him and Sirius stares at the date with an expression of disbelieving horror. Thirteen years ago he was dragged to this hell. Thirteen years, and Sirius can't believe it. He has a thirteen year old Godson who has thirteen year old friends. Does Harry know who he is? Or worse, does he think the same as Remus? – Remus who Sirius hasn't seen for moons, and years.
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Another picture captures Padding-Foot's eye, he growls a warning as he recognises the twitching nose and his sharp vision zooms in on a tiny, padded fore-paw. He howls in rage.
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Sirius stares at the cross-word.
"How am I supposed to know who runs Understreet?" He snaps the pencil in his grip angrily. "These clues are very inconsiderate of isolated prisoners." Staring at the photo of the waving family, Sirius grimaces. Peter Pettigrew, he thinks, I'm coming for you.
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Padding-Foot can feel the urgency as he pants as quietly as he can, softly placing one cushioned paw in front of the last. Bellatrix watches him go in silence. He feels the gazes of dozens of two-legged captives as he writhes his way through the shades' path.
Then, Padding-Foot is so close to his long awaited liberty. A snowy-white owl soars and swoops overhead.
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Sirius takes a step towards the water, legs shaking from exhilaration and excitement. The ocean is a grey-blue colour and translucent. Doubt jerks at Sirius, people have died here on this island. Some people have been born on this island. No one has ever escaped from here before.
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He transforms and begins to swim as the full moon rises, reflected and refracted against the sea of tears.
Finally, his freedom beckons.