In the dim light of the lamp his pencil tapped against the paper in no particular beat or pattern. Just casting echoes off into the silent room that loomed around the surface of his subconscious. Leo sat at his desk in deep thought. Though his thoughts weren't where they should be. All his concentration should have been directed towards thinking up his report that was due Monday morning. Sure it was still Friday, but he wanted the weekend to himself without the idea of homework following him like a shadow. It's best to get it all out of the way. Even so he couldn't focus on a single part of the subject. There was a thought that kept going through his head, and he couldn't stop it.
Instead he started to draw a picture of the someone he drew too often. The very same person his mind wandered to. No, not wandered, but pulled to by some force within himself that had entirely too much control over how he felt. The one he drew was the embodiment of his inner affection. He couldn't tell anymore whether it was healthy to keep it all inside. To never tell a soul. Having accepted the fact that his "love" would never be realized a long time ago. It would cause more damage than it'd fix by letting it out for the first time.
This wasn't an immediate problem. It's been like this for a while now. Far too long, he thought to himself as the light flickered for a moment in an indecisive instant, it went out. In the darkness he didn't move from his seat. Leo's mind went along the same path as it had for many years. Only something was changing. It was getting harder to live like this.
It wasn't suppose to be like this. Still, nothing he did has changed anything for the better. Things have always stayed the same for as long as he could remember. Leo was at the end of his rope, so to speak. Maybe he's kept his feelings to himself for as long as he could. Perhaps it was finally time to...
His long black hair fell in his face covering his eyes from the emending blackness around him. Just then the lamp flicked back to life. Bringing hope? Who knows. Looking down at the picture he grew frustrated. It had turned out like all the rest. It didn't capture the feel he wanted. Lost in his own criticism, he almost didn't hear the loud bang downstairs. Looking at the clock, he sighed. How the hours could pass so quickly without even grasping them enough to know them. It was 3 AM, and he was dead tired.
He hear another sound from somewhere in the kitchen or downstairs hall. Idiot, Leo thought as he stood up to go greet his pesky brother after a long night of attempting to sneak around. Even when he made it painfully obvious that's what he was doing. Why does he even try to keep it secret? Well, okay, their parents might now know, but they were a little dense in the matters that was Damien.
Damien smothered another yelp after he accidentally hit his leg on the kitchen table. He had wanted to sneak back into the house undetected. Not wanting to turn a light on he tried his luck, but banged into something despite his efforts. For a minute he hopped on one foot. He hoped with everything his young mind could that his father hadn't somehow heard him. Damien would be in so much trouble. As the silence continued he breathed a sigh of relief. Safe for now.
He had been out with his girlfriend all night. Nothing really happened. Almost nothing. When he was reminded of it, the whole situation made him annoyed. They'd been about to take the next step when Catherin's parents stared knocking on her door. In the dark, he'd looked for his shirt in vein. He had ended up using the window as an escape leaving his shirt behind. A small price to pay. As he climbed out of her room, he glanced back, promising to be back before the weekend was finished. And just when he was finally going to lose his---
Then he heard the fall of footsteps on the stairs. Panicking, he ducked under the table as quietly as he could. Not the best place to hide, but his choices were very limited here. Please don't be dad, please don't be dad. He thought to himself, like he was praying to some teenage god that would take mercy on his foolish actions. Sneaking out this late at night. Surly there was someone to answer his calls.
If it was his father than he was going to be grounded for a month. Just like that, with no trial. It was so unfair he thought. It's not like he was doing anything bad. At least he wasn't part of some gang, or out on a killing spree. There are much worst things than what he was doing. The flaws of parental actions were never more apparent then to Damien. Don't get him wrong. He was a good kid. It's just…
As he sat huddle on the floor beneath the kitchen table his eyes adjusted to the darkness somewhat. That's how he saw it wasn't his father, but his brother Leo that come walking down the steps. His brother could be just as bad as his father at times. Maybe he could get past Leo without him noticing. It was too dark to see clearly. Even as he thought these things, Leo stepped into the kitchen.
Without hesitating he keeled down right next to the table, and looked down under it. His face was blank as Damien smiled innocently, and waved.
Leo's brother Damien was too predictable to ever find a good hiding spot. Even when they were little, he'd always hide in his own room when they played. Now he looked straight at him thinking, Why do you even try to sneak out. Though, as he looked at his bother more closely he something was missing. Uh huh. The image was pretty clear in Leo's mind. Damien was actually sneaking back in trying to go by unnoticed. And he was so close. Leo sighed.
"Get out from under there." Leo said to his brother ignoring his attempt at a light smile. He didn't feel like scolding him right now. Maybe later. His thoughts were still preoccupied with something more important. That nagging little thought that wouldn't leave him alone these last few months.
"How'd you know where I was?" Damien asked less than surprised as he crawled out from his little hiding spot. Did he really need to ask?
"Isn't it obvious? You're terrible at hiding. If we're ever getting robbed then I wouldn't think twice about throwing you out into the open. You'd just give us all away to the crazy ax murderer." He shot his brother a cold look, but with a smile to show he was joking. "So how was your night out on the town?" He asked not for the answer, but just to show he knew what Damien had been doing. He'd been caught red-handed by big brother Leo.
A wicked grin spread across his face as it usually did when he tormented his younger brother. Damien was only 15 about to turn 16 with brown hair that was mainly wavy except near his face. Where it got curly. Not in a bad way, though. Along with those violet eyes, he was a vision.
Leo had turned 18 a while ago, and he had a birthday coming up. There was nothing special about him. Nothing at all.
Damien looked up at his brother who stood 3 inches taller than him with long black hair that he had styled differently than the other Goths he hung out with. With striking green eyes that always looked so mischievous even when he was being completely honest. That had never ceased to completely confused Damien at times. Was Leo hiding something? That had been his suspicion for a while now.
When they started to climb the stairs Damien asked, "So, are you going to tell dad?" He was on edge still after being caught so easily, and a bit shaky. Leo had no way in knowing what he had been doing, or with who it. Damien took comfort in the thought, but it soon withered.
"What? That you've been whoring around again?" He flashed another of his chilling smiles. I swear he's a mind reader, Damien thought childishly.
"Hey, that's not what I was doing! It was just a party." He said taking his eyes off Leo. He was lying, but he didn't want Leo to know what he'd really been doing. That would be really embarrassing. His brother was 18, he'd seen it all. Damien didn't want advise or anything from him so he tried to keep his relationship on the DL. That obviously wasn't working.
"Was your little girl-friend at this party? Or maybe you were there with someone else. Oooh, teenage drama." Leo snickered. Though Damien
was relived that his brother hadn't seen through his lie. What would his brother think, if he knew about him and Catherin, he wondered. It couldn't be all that bad. On the other hand, he still would tell him.
They reached the top of the staircase where they had to part ways. His room was off to the right and Leo's was to the left.
"Fine, I won't tell him." Leo was sometimes a good person. Only sometimes.
Leo turned and walked back to his quiet dark room that looked like it belonged to someone of the undead. His walls were black and hung with his drawings. He sometimes drew on the walls with chalk that would easily go away, but still give him the satisfaction of writing directly on the wall. A good stress reliever, he had thought.
Though his room wasn't a place he felt safe in like most people do. This was a place that all his thoughts seeped through the cracks and he couldn't control them. They drove him mad at times. No, this wasn't a room, but his deep subconscious. With all the things he never wanted to think about pinned to it's walls. Forever staring at him, and reminding him.
This all was a torment to him. The thought of sleep struck him so suddenly. He was tired of this all. Exhausted would be a better words, but no amount of sleep could make him feel better.
Looking over at the pictures that cluttered his desk the pain came back to him. Someone he could never have. Picking up one of the pictures he felt his desire stir. They could never be together. They were brothers after all.
Damien plopped down on his bed. So close went through his head again. It applied to both problems. He'd almost gotten back to his room with out being caught, and him and Catherin…So close.
It's going to be another long night. There was a very slim chance he was going to be able to sleep the rest of the night. Not after all that happened. He hadn't gone to school either. Skipped to be with Catherin. Though he had to wait for an hour before she showed up. Still he hadn't been mad at her. He wasn't sure if it was love he felt for her, or not. What is love, come to think of it?
They were just kids after all. There's no way in knowing if they really were in love or not. Such a great mystery to this age. What would love be like? The only love before now has been with family. When mother would bake them cookies on a cold winter night. Or when he and his brother would play out in the yard. They cared for each other. Did he care for Catherin enough to call it love?
Love was such a complicated emotion. Then again, if it was all simpler than no one would go through the trials to prove their love to someone, and have the satisfaction of it being returned. That's what love is all about. The journey. With all the little snags along the way. Had Damien even started the journey yet?
Still, odds are they were just being kids, and him not even thinking they're in love is a bad thing. That means the must not be. He rolled over on his bed with only his thoughts to keep him company. Which he didn't enjoy.
The moonlight came through the window in soft little beams lighting the floor of his room some what. The room was small but filled with so many things. The walls were covered in posters from bands that he liked or movies he had loved. There were shelves of tiny things he'd collected over the years. Clothes created a sea of mess on the floor. That's the only way he could describe it.
All in all it was a simple room that he felt the most comfortable in. Their family had lived in this house ever since he was 3 or 4 years old. It really was his home, and he couldn't imagine living anywhere else. With some of the warm memories he could remember he somehow drifted off into a world all his own where nothing bad happened, and pesky dads didn't come knocking on doors. He was soon in his dreams that were truly his own, and would never turn against him.
Leo suddenly awoke. The night stillness unnerved him. The silence was thick in the air leaving him wondering why he had woken up in the first place. Had he been dreaming just now? He couldn't remember what though. Sitting up, he could see his room lighted with a blue tent. The moon was still high above outside. Lighting the yard below.
Kicking back the covers, he stood up and walked to the window. Why couldn't he sleep? But even as he thought it he already knew the answer. It was getting worse. Sliding down to the floor he covered his face with his hands. Why was it like this? He hurt too much from his own feelings, he could never take it any further. With everything he knew, he would surly reject him.
His life had changed little by little, and he hadn't even realized that everything was falling apart around him. His inner mind had turned against him lately to the point where he couldn't control what he thought. In the depths of his own world now lived a monster that grew in love, but now was something horrible.
His need for Damien was growing. He couldn't even act like himself in front of him now. He wanted him too much. It never was this bad before. Leo had actually been willing to pretend everything was normal. Gradually though, his mind was changing on the subject. Leo could no longer control himself. Everything was almost ruined a couple weeks ago. The memory of it made him angry at himself.
Back then, he had been so close to telling Damien everything. In his moment of weakness he had still managed to restrain himself. Barely. He had to do something soon or he was going to fall apart. Even if he was rejected he couldn't live like this anymore.
Standing he cast a look out his window. He could easily remember when he and his brother had played in that yard as kids. How he used to chase him, and they'd both fall over laughing at on another for no reason. Quickly he looked away. This wasn't right. Damien saw him as a brother. It would be terrible for him to crush that thought. To Damien, Leo was the mean older brother that teases him sometimes. He couldn't change that. It would be mean to take away his brother. But still…
He stepped out of the bedroom, and looked down the long hallway. This was haunting him day in and day out. Every moment he was bombarded with thoughts that tore him apart inside. Something had to happened, or he might go insane. Anything would work, it just needed to happen. And soon.
Walking down the hall he wasn't sure what he was planning to do. No, there was no plan at all. Even so, he continued down the hall to his Damien's room. This is wrong, he thought again as he stood outside's his brother's door. Brining up his hand up to knock on it, he changed his mind. Within his mind, he argued with the irrational monster that would not listen to reason. Reaching for the door knob, he quietly turned it, trying not to make a sound. The door opened with ease, and with out a sound to his surprise. Though that mattered little to him. His heart pounded in his rib cage so hard that Leo feared that the sound of it all would wake Damien up. Though he should have known that was a childish thought.
Stopping again he wanted to turn back, but he was this far. This was the time things would change. If his life was ruined then it would be on his terms, and not the monster's. Giving up now wasn't an option. He needed Damien. More than he ever did. The feeling was overpowering his judgment. Leo had never wanted him so much as he did at that moment looking into the room at his younger brother's sleeping face.
The room was bathed in the moonlight. Leo's heart seemed to beat even faster as he took his first steps into the safe sanctuary Damien had lived. A place he felt comfortable in. It broke his heart to look at him sleeping so peacefully, and even think about disturbing his dreams. But he couldn't stand it anymore…
Walking closer to the bed he barley made a sound. Not even now did he know what he was going to do, but that didn't matter. Not now that he stood before him. His mind clouded as he looked down at the serenity of his brother's face. So calm, and peaceful. It was almost a sin to break into his sleep.
Kneeling beside the small bed, his thoughts swirled in a way that made him dizzy to follow. What was he doing here? The answer was lost in the growl of the monster.
"Hmmn." Damien turned over in his bed sending a warm wave through Leo. Then he opened his eyes slowly. "Leo, what are you doing in my room?" He questioned groggily looking up with trusting eyes. Leo couldn't help it. Standing he reached down and touched the side of Damien's face. "What is it?" He began to sit up, but Leo pushed him back down against the bed. His shoulders felt so delicate under Leo's hands. Like he could be broken so easily. At that moment, Leo wanted to break Damien so badly.
"Please forgive me." He said under his breath as he climbed onto the bed with a confused Damien while he still held him down with a strong grip.
"Leo, what's--" But his words we quickly cut off with a deep kiss that Leo poured all his soul into. Damien struggled against him, and when he finally broke it off, he resisted again. "What are you doing?!" He looked so lost to Leo at that moment. Confused, and somehow wounded at the same time. A dangerous mix. Desire flashed in him once more like never before, and it was painful.
Damien tried to push him back, but Leo caught his hands and held them above his head.
"Leo!" the sound faded along with everything else.
Suddenly Leo woke up in his bed covered with a sheen of cold sweat. With a shaky breath he looked around not comprehending it just yet. Then he came back to himself steadily. That dream…
A sadness crept into him as he sat there, the sun outside was rising revealing all of his secrets it seemed. He wasn't even safe in his own dreams. Things really couldn't stay like this anymore. Covering his face with one of his hands he began the think thoughts best left unspecified. In the end he just laid down again and submitted to his deeper mind that he dreaded. The dreams that welcomed him on the other side were much worse than he'd imagines.
Damien awoke the next morning to the sounds of birds outside his window. Smiling to himself he got up and grabbed a change of clothes. He'd had a wonderful dream about a worlds where school was never created because everyone was already a super genius. It was Saturday anyways, so he didn't need to worry about school for a while.
Stretching, he headed for the bathroom to take a shower. Along the way he passed his brother's room, and grinned mischievously. Inside, Leo was still deep asleep. Damien put his clothes down and began to sneak into the depressing looking room with a grin on his face.
Though when he was right next to the bed leaning close to Leo's face where he planned to make a really loud noise to freak him out, he suddenly stopped. His older brother's face didn't looked so relaxed. Could he be having a nightmare? Leo turned a little, and quietly opened his eyes. The way the sun slanted into the room, warming it gave the room almost a dream feel to it. His brother looked up at him not confused, but with something else…
Leo reached up and hugged Damien easily since he was already so close. What had gotten into him? In the moment though they were just brothers. And it was just a hug. So Damien wrapped his arms around him too.
"What? You have a bad dream or something?" He asked his brother jokingly. With that, Leo let go.
"Or something." He answered standing up. "What are you doing in my room anyway?" He asked yawing, and stretching. Looking at the open curtains, he glared annoyingly at the sunlight that covered everything around him.
Leo was actually startled, but didn't let it show. When he first awoke, he had thought it was just another dream. He was a little disorientated. Still he acted like nothing was wrong. He'd gotten good at doing that these past few years. Pretending everything was fine when inside everything was hurting.
"I was going to surprise you awake." He answered honestly. Well he had succeeded more than he would ever know.
"Okay, well you fail. Now get out." He replied coldly. As Damien left his room, he couldn't stop the thoughts. They thought two completely different things of each other. They lived two different states of mind. He watched him go on and continue what he was doing while Leo was stuck in the same spot. In his own mind. Never to move.