BARE WITH ME! I have yet to finish homestuck damnit! I just have a large range of knowlage and a decent dent in the comic.
This is FICTION after all so I dont want a SINGLE ANAL CORRECTION. I can write it the way I want.

*Clears throat* anyway this is a beautiful journal about Tavros and his thoughts, describing the behind the scene deep feelings for Gamzee and how losing his legs had a more dramatic effect on him then everyone realizes.

Also I do not own the lovely art I used for the cover, I tip my hat to this artist.

From what I could remember that night it was the sound of a chainsaw that woke me. Of course I awaken in a startled panic considering I opened my eyes to find the rainbow drinker standing over my paralyzed body with a revving chainsaw. Uh…why don't I clue you in on how this all came about so you're not completely lost, sorry for jumping in a little too soon.
We'll call it a bad flarping day the evening I lost my ability to walk. Thinking about it now, everything bad that ever happens to me, is because a Vriska. Eh…alright well…uh…cutting a long painful and emotionally disturbing story short basically Vriska convinced me to…uh… "fly" off a cliff. Uh…yeah and that's not what happened…and thus after hitting the ground I became a paraplegic. Anyway, something more importantly in this story, even more important than me having the use of my legs, would be…Gamzee.
Oh…he is a…difficult topic to explain. He was…my friend. He was the person that was there for me when I was alone. Which meant a lot considering…no one is ever there for me… Gamzee was…my matesprit I guess. I hope…
He would listen to me. And I know for someone like Gamzee, I could tell he acted differently around me. He seemed more…calm and relaxed, at peace even. He would just sit there…and listen to me talk…weather my words were important or not, and it meant the world to me…
I could talk to him with a blissful confidence that I never felt so at ease with before. I could talk to him about feelings I didn't even knew I had until I bought them to Gamzee. The way we could talk to each other was, what he would describe as miracles, it was nice…
I remember the day he first kissed me, it was…intoxicating. Our lips just fit together so well…and the way he held my waist as out breaths merged together I felt so…secure. It was a heavenly moment I never wanted to end, when I walked home that night it felt like my feet never touched the ground. I couldn't wait for the moment he would do it again in fact, you could say I was…impatient. He was waiting too long, and I couldn't wait any longer…so I made the next move. I threw my arms around him and slammed our lips together that I knew would fit like a puzzle, and he held me close and kissed back-and it was perfect…
We kissed deeply, and he laid me down on the couch and he touched me like I was never touched before… I never thought his touch could be so…tender. His touch was so delicate, like I was glass and he wouldn't dare break me. It was bliss…pure happiness; oh I was so flushed for you…
We didn't stop there. Oh no…we went all the way. And I remember every detail; I wouldn't allow myself to forget...

I remember him sliding off my clothes. Taking a pause between each garment to make sure he had my permission. I remember his warm hands on my body…his breath on my neck. I remember every place he put his mouth, every place he put his tongue… I remember every place he touched…kissed even bit. I remember feeling his hands, graze over my figure, his gaze…glaze over my skin-my expressions. I remember him watching my face flush, my breaths turning heavy, and my mouth widening just to moan for you Gamzee…you remember too.

I remember feeling him…slide in…I remember his hips rolling against mine, him driving deeper into me with every sensational thrust that came at me in waves. I remember the face paint smearing as we began to sweat…and our wet pants after our hot kissing, after our tongues uncoiled. Oh god it felt amazing…I never wanted it to end. You knew what I desired didn't you Gamzee…? You knew how bad I wanted you-how bad I needed you…! That's why you didn't stop…you took me four times that night, making love to me over and over…you took me until you knew I was weak and satisfied and couldn't do it anymore.
I remember you pulling me into your safe embrace…you kissing my cheek. You whispered…the sweet words that completed my world… "I love you."
I never wanted to let you go. Oh Gamzee…how I loved you.

Uh…hehe, I got a little…carried away. But as you could see…what I and Gamzee had was very special…what me and Gamzee had…was the center of my world. Honestly I feel if I lost Gamzee…I has nothing to go on for…If we were to end, I would want to end by his side. No matter whose fate it was to die, I would want to die beside him…

So anyway…this Chainsaw, well, let me break it down for you. Here's some dialogue.

Obviously, I screamed, freaked out a little bit and tried to push myself as far away from her as possible "K-KANAYA?! WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY RESPIBLOCK!? WHY IM SLEEPING?! WITH A CHAINSAW!?"
She tried to calm Tavros by reaching out her hand in a gentle manner "Sh…it's alright, we're going to help you."
It was that moment Tav noticed Equius in the room as well "h-help me?! What-how?!"
"Please calm yourself…we're going to help you walk again, we're replacing your legs with robotic ones, doesn't that sound nice?"
"What?! You're not amputating me legs-especially in my sleep! You should have asked for consent!" It was typical for Tavros to still be shaken up with the news he had just been forced upon
"It was going to be…a surprise…?" she said in a light tone and that's when Tavros noticed his shirt had been pushed up and there was a marking dotted line across his lower stomach
"you-already marked me?!" he gasped
"well of course, I need to know where I'm carving."
"CARVING-?!" his voice cut off in a panic and something clicked in his brain "PLEASE NO!" he suddenly begged.
She just gave a sympathetic sigh "Please…were helping you. This arrangement will better you life-"

"NO PLEASE-DON'T CUT THERE! –you don't understand…!" he cried out
"not there…? What do you mean…?"
he sighed looking down, his expression darkening as realizations lined up in his mind "please don't cut above my hips…please I'm begging you…please-cut here!" he tossed off the blankets and showed with his hand where he would rather be amputated, which was mid thigh.
She frowned a bit "there…? Tavros I can't…we have to cut off where you're paralyzed and from your spinal injury I have to cut above the hips where you're not paralyzed."
"NO-! I can't…" he held back tears, not wanting to show fear or weakness at this moment "I can't…lose it…"
"Lose it…?" she observed his body and thought she understood, slowly giving him another sympathetic frown "Oh…your manhood…?"
He sighed frustrated "no-well…yeah kinda but-" he bit his lip looking to her and deciding to confess "if you cut off my lower half…I won't be able to make love with Gamzee anymore…"
Her eyes widened.

T O . B E . .