Dear Fang.

No, you know what? You don't even get the dear. I have no intention of bothering with formalities, because, let me tell you, I am pissed. And since you don't have the decency, the tact to do anything besides leave a freaking letter behind and expect that to make it okay…well, you get a letter in return.

I hate you, you traitorous, two-timing, deceitful liar. After all that we've been through, you just up and left. And things were finally getting back to normal, too. My life was in no immediate danger (but, let me tell you, the next time I see your face again, yours will be in danger), but you decided that it would be best for everyone to leave?

Since when has running away been the answer to any of our numerous problems? Hmm? Let's play out the scenarios, shall we? "Oh, no, I have wings. This sucks. Bye!" "Oh, no, Angel got taken by the whitecoats. Hmm, nothing we can do. We should save our own skins and get as far away as we can!" "Oh, no, I'm in another life-and-death fight. Hmm, I wonder if I get up and walk away, will he follow me? Let's find out! I'm outta here!"

But we didn't leave. Because we're fighters, you moron. And now, thanks to you, the flock is down one of the best fighters that we have.

Don't you know how hard I fought to keep you next to me? Don't you know how horrified I was at the thought of losing you forever? You had to know. You can't tell me that you could talk to me, look at me, kiss me without knowing. And you left anyways! I knew you were cold, but never did I think you were heartless!

Maybe you're not far away at all. Maybe you're watching me melt down here, just to get your kicks. Maybe you're thinking, Hah! What a clueless idiot she is! Maybe you just wanted to see how far the Great Max could fall. I wouldn't put it past you, now.

Just in case you're wondering, just in case you care, Nudge hasn't stopped crying since you left. Angel stares out the window all day long, trying to find in her mind so she can tell you to come home. Iggy has taken your place as the angry one and now punches holes in the walls. Gazzy just looks confused all the time.

And me? Well, I switch between hating you and your stupid guts with everything I have…

And then I miss you, and it feels like you might as well have slashed out my heart and taken it with you.

I love you, you ignorant twit. What, did I not tell you that enough? Because it's true. I love you. And it makes it so, so, so much harder to wake up in the mornings, and have that brief moment of blissful ignorance before I remember:

Fang is gone.

And each morning is like a tiny little paper cut in the most painful, inconvenient places. Have you ever heard of "death by a thousand paper cuts"? That's essentially what it feels like to be me, in addition to the gaping wound that appeared when you left.

God, it's hard to say that. "When you left." Because saying it means I have to recognize that it happened, it actually happened, and I don't think I'm at that point yet. Nudge says I need "closure," whatever the hell that's supposed to mean, and apparently writing a pointless letter that will never get sent because I don't know where the hell to find you will give me "closure."

I don't want closure, anyways. I don't want to close this chapter. Not yet. I wasn't done yet. I am nowhere near done loving you. I don't want to forget you. I want to wake up in the mornings and hear you breathing before you say a single word, creeping up on me in that weird, incredibly annoying way you do. I keep feeling ghosts around here. I can feel you touching me still. Maybe I'm finally going crazy. If I'm not, it won't take very long.

But, if I'm crazy, then maybe I can trick myself into thinking you're still here. You said you cared about me too much, and that's why you left. Maybe that wasn't a direct statement, but it was implied. Were you scared for me…or for you? Because I'm a big girl. I can take care of myself. But I need you here to keep me sane while I'm doing just that. You know my weaknesses. You knew the one thing that could hurt me the most. And you knew that my weakness…is you. It's always been you. It's always been you, you idiot!

Now, I'm too distracted to notice if anything is off. If a baddie approached me on the street and smacked me upside the head, I probably would never have noticed before blacking out.

You'll be the death of me, Fang. But you were also my life.

I hope you're happy, by the way. Now, apparently, I have feelings. Which means I'm a huge corn-master. Yuck. But it's not like I can say any of this to your face, so every sappy AND murderous thought I've had since you've been gone is being recorded here. Like it or not.

…I hope that it was worth it, Fang. I hope that, wherever you are, you're happy. Honestly. If I couldn't do that much for you, then maybe you'll find it somewhere else. Somewhere safe, and stable, and where you can finally think. But I hope that you think about me. That's the one thing that's keeping me from falling apart right now – the idea that you miss me as much as I miss you.

I burned your letter, by the way. It was refreshing. Because I know a good majority of it was bullshit. 20 years is way too freakin' long for me to wait. And I hope you know that I have a total disregard for your wishes. I don't care if you don't want to be found. I've placed locating you at the top of my priority list. If that means bumping saving the world down a notch or two, well, I blame you. You said it yourself, in that now-reduced-to-mere-ashes letter of yours: You can't say no to me.

That's the plan, buddy-boy.

It's 4:03, and I can't sleep. It's the only time I can think. I wish I could fall asleep, actually, because I can see you in my dreams. And that's the only thing that's keeping me alive. But sleep is also when the tears drip down my face, and when I can't stop them. I'll drown in my tears tonight, and I would still do it to see you.

Oh. The water drops on this paper? Gazzy had a squirt gun. They're totally not teardrop spots or anything.

I love you, Fang.

MAX.