Please R&R. Let me know if I should continue...
His truck is nowhere in sight and there are no signs of life coming from my house when I finally roll my Indian into my driveway at 2200. The hairs on the back of my neck tell a different story. I realize I can feel the tell tale signs of naquadah near by, a tingling deep in my gut that I've learned from experience to pay attention to. Awesome, because I wasn't already overtly aware of his presence.
It's not like I wasn't expecting him to be here. It's been a week and a half since we got the colonel back, and I still haven't found the guts to see him alone. I've been by the infirmary all of twice with Teal'c and Jonas in tow and pretty much just stayed out of the way until I could escape again. I knew as soon as I heard he'd been released that this confrontation was inevitable. You don't get away with manipulating Jack O'Neill without some kind of fallout, and mine was the worst possible kind of manipulation, with the worst possible outcome. Using his emotions against him is something I will certainly never forgive myself for, even if I would do it all over again. And that's the crux of the matter isn't it? That I'm selfish enough to need him with me, even if he's broken beyond repair.
I only know what I read in his report, but it was plenty. Knowing the Colonel as well as I do, it was a fraction of what really happened. And to make matters worse, not only did I use his feelings for me against him, but then kanan went and did the same thing all over again. Yes, there's no question I deserve whatever is coming to me. It strikes me as I'm walking up the path to my front door, that making him wait was probably not the smartest thing I could have done. But then, there's a part of me that desperately wants him to lash out at me, to relieve some of the guilt that's been suffocating me since he first agreed to take a symbiote.
I have to use both hands to get my key into the lock because my hands are shaking too much. I take a couple seconds to compose myself and take a deep breath before stepping in and closing the door behind me. It's dark, but I'm in no hurry for him to see me, in fact this might be easier in the dark. I lean my back against the door and wait.
I feel his eyes on me long before I make out his face in the moonlight coming in through my living room window. His eyes are black and glinting dangerously when I finally have the nerve to look at them. He leans back against the wall of my entry way. To an untrained observer he would appear almost nonchalant, unaffected. I however can feel the tension coming off him in waves.
"You're not going to run and hide major?" The sharp edge of his voice makes me jump slightly. Exactly the response he was hoping for.
"No, I'm done running." My voice trembles a little on the way out, as if I weren't a Major in the US air force.
"Forget something major?"he steps into my space, seeming to tower over me in a way I don't ever remember noticing before.
"Sorry Sir."I try my best to sound contrite. I have no idea where this is going, and it takes me a minute to figure out why he's pushing the rank thing here, now, in the dark, in my house in a completely unprofessional situation. It has nothing to do with position or rank, and has everything to do with regaining control. Control I took from him when I all but begged him to give into his worst nightmare because he loved me.
He steps further into my space, the smell of gun oil and leather encompassing me. He reaches out a hand towards me and I flinch before I can check myself. He lets out a bark of laughter that stabs through my chest like a physical pain. "Do you think I would hurt you major? Is that why you've been avoiding me, because you thought I would physically assault you?"
"No Sir. I trust you sir." I try to keep my answer simple in the hopes of not upsetting him further.
"Yes well, maybe you should be afraid of me major. Being tortured to death so many times I lost count may have made me a little unpredictable. Or maybe you think you can just look at me with those baby blues and beg and I'll capitulate to anything you want? Is that it?"
His voice is lower than I've ever heard it and he's moved to press me into the door, his hot breath in my ear. I can't help the tears that threaten at his words, or the hitch in my breathing as he grabs my chin roughly and forces me to meet his eyes.
"No sir." My voice is barely a breath between us.
"What was that Major? I couldn't quite hear you." He barks this directly into my face, his tone somewhat reminiscent of basic training.
I force my spine straight and look him in the eye. "No Sir. You're in charge here, Sir."
"Well isn't that magnanimous of you major? Do you always give control so freely, or is it because you feel guilty?" His hands slam onto the wood either side of my face, causing my head to bounce a little off the unforgiving surface. He lets out a growl and wrenches himself away from me.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." I move toward him and he swings around, his hands coming up to stop me coming any closer.
"You know I wake up in the middle of the night expecting there to be holes from acid burns. Gaping wounds from throwing knives. You ever been lashed to death only to wake up and do it all again? But there's nothing. No scars to show for any of it. How do I reconcile that? And what is it about me that encourages people to manipulate me and leave me?" His fist slams into the dividing wall between the hallway and living room, cracking the plaster and splitting at least one of his knuckles.
I've never known him to lose control before, and I'm disgusted with myself for being the cause. Or at least for causing it in this manner. Lord knows I wouldn't mind him losing control in a completely different setting. Fat chance of that happening. I'll consider myself extremely lucky if he's still speaking to me when we're done here.
"Fuck...I shouldn't be here." He moves to get past me but I step into his path, letting out a sob as he growls in frustration.
"You're playing with fire Carter. I'm not safe to be around right now." He tries again to get past me, but I plaster my body against the door so he has to physically move me if he wants out. Either very brave or very stupid, I'm not sure I even care which.
"Get out of my fucking way." He slams his palms flat against the door again either side of my head, causing me to gasp in alarm, but there is not a thing in this galaxy or any other that could make me let him leave here. Not in the head space he's in.
"No." It comes out as more of a sob than an actual word.
He grabs my face in his injured hand, blood smearing on my skin, forcing eye contact. "You still making decisions for me major?" His voice is like sandpaper, and sends a frisson of tension down my spine .
"Please don't go. I'll do anything, Sir. Whatever you need, just tell me. Just please don't leave. I'm so sorry." The needy pathetic timbre of my voice makes me cringe inside but I just cannot let him leave.
"I need the goddamned truth. I need to know why you wouldn't let me die like I was supposed to. I need you to tell me my capitulation was worth something to you." He backs out of my space when his hands start trembling, turning his back on me. Without his weight holding me up I deflate and slide to the ground against the door.
"Because you are everything. Because I'm too weak to go on without you. Because as long as there's a way to keep you with me I will do it, because I can't make myself do anything else. I'm too selfish to let you go, even though I've never had you to begin with." I have never felt so bare in my entire life. I've never been so emotionally honest with anyone.
He slides to the floor beside me, letting his head fall into his hands. "You are all I thought about. You're the only reason there's anything left of me. Even when I hated you, for using my emotions against me. Hated you for leaving me to the Tok'ra. Daniel was there. He was there and I BEGGED him to end it."
I'm moving before I even realize it. The thought of him wanting to die so badly causing panic to swell inside me. Without any conscious decision I'm straddling his thighs and tucking his head under my chin and holding on for dear life.
"NO, no. Please stay. Please don't leave me." Tears are streaming down my face and into his hair and I'm barely managing to stop the anxiety from overwhelming me. "I need you. I'm so sorry for everything. I would trade places with you if I could. I wish it had been me. I wish it was me."
At first he's tense as a board, but my words seem to gradually take all the strength out of him and then his palms are sliding around me. One between my shoulder blades, the other the small of my back.
"Ok, it's ok. I made it back. If I was still that far gone, I could have easily ended it before now. I'm so tired Sam." He sounds completely deflated now, the fight gone completely out of him.
I sit for a few more minutes wrapped around him. His presence anchoring me in a way that is different and yet so very familiar. He is a part of me that I no longer want to live without. "C'mon. Lets get you cleaned up."
He gets up wearily, letting me lead him down the hallway like a child. The bathroom light it way too bright for our over sensitized pupils and it takes me a couple of seconds to adjust. I rinse his cuts with soap and water before I sit him down on the toilet lid and dig some antibiotic cream and gauze out from one of my drawers. Looking at him in the harsh light of the bathroom I can tell it's been a long time since he slept anywhere near decently.
"Will you stay?"
"I don't know if that's a good idea Carter. Nevermind the obvious issues, I don't want to hurt you if I do manage to fall asleep." He won't meet my eyes again.
"I don't care about the other issues. I haven't for some time. And I know the signs. I've always been able to tell when you're nightmares start in the field, I can't see it being any different here. Please?"
"God Carter. You're supposed to be the voice of reason. I don't have the will to say no to you, I never have. And as for rules and regulations, I've broken them for less." He squeezes my hand when I've finished with the bandaging. I squeeze back and turn to wash the blood off my hands. He comes up behind me and reaches an arm around me to grab a facecloth. He meets my eyes in the mirror and I see the blood smeared across my cheek and on my chin where he grabbed me earlier. He wets the face cloth and gently dabs at the blood.
"We can talk more in the morning. For now there are a lot of sleepless nights between us and we both look like hell." I lead him out of the bathroom and down the hall to my bedroom. I don't bother to turn on the lights, and stop at the edge of the bed. I strip down to my shirt and panties and climb in flipping the blanket open for him. He looks uncertain for a moment and then seems to come to a decision. He strips down to his boxers, but leaves his shirt on. He climbs in and slides right into my personal space. He pulls me towards him so he's spooned up against my back. I settle back against him and clasp his hand to my stomach, falling asleep to his even breathing behind me.
TBC?