CHAPTER I - Pirates Are Mean

DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the characters in this chapter apart from "Edward", Rummy, Jukey and Weasel. The rest © J. M. Barrie.

Here we go - Chapter One of my "proper" Panfic (as I like to call them). As you may guess, the first part is spelled wrong on purpose - it is meant to be written phonetics, as this character writes as he speaks. I hope you have fun (and not too many problems) deciphering it!

And before we go one, I am going to ask you to do what just about every other writer on this site does - if you like this story, want to make a comment, a suggestion, or just want to moan at me for how rubbish you think it is, feel very free to Review - I'd appreciate it very much!

With Pixie Dust and Happy Thoughts,

Little Sparrow.

Tooday iz the ninnthe of joo-lye, and i am ritten my diearry. there is sumthin verry impourtahnt i hav too sey. so lissen verry carfoolly.

Yoo no, diearry, ive been doin sum thinkin. the capn caym from the normal wurrld, dint e? the wurrld that aint nevaland, dint e? wel, ive offen wundered weather e remembaz oar mises his littel bruther. i rememba im torkin abowt is bruther wen e furst caym ear, sumwun calld edwood (i fink thats ow its spellt, anyway). e sed ther muther waz "fayvorabbly disspozed" towards edwood (agen, spellin may be rong) an e was jellus of im. as the capn fourgottan? duz e rememba?duz e wanna rememba? im confewzd. I sey this beecuz somwun haz justt sed the naym edwoor tooday, an the capn stormd offf too is cabin. e woent even lemme tork too im. i am verry confewzd nowe.

eneeway, enuff abowt that. tooday wuz the saym az yu- yoo -

yoozuall -

yooshull -

o, wel, tooday wuz sam as norrmul. the krockadiel tryd too eet the por capn agen, and i ad too shoo im away (the krock, knot the capn). starky tryd too nik sum rum this morrnin, and wuz chukd in the see - yett agen! e iz a rarscul, i fink.

"What you writin' there, Smee?" sniggered Starkey right behind Smee, making the short, nervous bos'un squeak and jump to his feet, clutching the ragged red notebook to his chest and fighting to keep his spectacles from sliding off his nose.

Starkey grinned mischieviously and attempted to snatch the book, yelling, "Eh! Come over 'ere, you lot! Mr. Smee's writin' a novel!"

Like a bunch of alley cats pouncing on a mouse, the majority of the Jolly Roger's crew came charging over to Starkey and his quivering victim. The whole lot of them were powered by high-percentage alcohol, and were simply spoiling for a fight and a bit of action.

"Whassit about Smee?" questioned a hulking corsair with messy ginger hair. "Is it - "

"A romantic novel!" yelled another, who was clutching a bottle with something apparently quite strong inside, because the pirate took a gulp and immediately giggled madly, his eyes out of focus. "Tha's what it is, Jukey, I betcha!" he hiccupped.

Jukey, the ginger-haired pirate, grinned wolfishly, showing yellow teeth. "You're right, Rummy! E's in LOVE!" he shrieked, waving his hands around and hopping on the spot.

"Woooo!" teased the others, making kissing noises and roaring with laughter.

"'oo is it, Pee-Wee Smee?" whispered Starkey in a chummy fashion, nudging a red-faced Smee conspiratorially as if to say, "Go on, you can tell me anything".

"It's - it's n - not - " stuttered Smee, finding his voice. But Rummy interrupted.

"It's Tinkerbell, ain't it?" he bellowed with a hearty guffaw. The others howled with mirth, holding onto each other in an effort to stay upright.

"No!" squealed Smee indignantly, still trying to keep hold of his diary whilst a snorting Starkey attempted to wrestle it out of his grip.

"I know! I know!" roared another pirate with his front teeth missing. Everyone looked at him.

"What, Weasel?" demanded Rummy after taking another swig of his drink. Weasel giggled as he paused for suspense. Then he bellowed:

"TIGER LILY!"

That did it. Now every single pirate who did not have stomach cramps from hilarity already was crying with laughter, collapsing to their knees or gripping each other's shoulders.

"T-T- Tiger Lily!" gasped Starkey from his position - currently rolling around on the deck. "Aw, that's good, Weasel! Eh, Smee - is it? Fancy yerself as an Injun Prince, do ya?"

"And just what is going on here?"

Everyone, even the paralysed-with-laughter Starkey, stopped dead. They knew that voice. Low, flowing, deadly, like the snarl of a panther, like silk flowing over flesh - they knew that voice.

"Captain," they whispered as one.

Pirates are mean, aren't they? Sniggers with her own inventiveness and evilness

Chapter II - "A Long Forgotten Memory" - is coming soon. In the meantime, please Review this chapter, and thank you for reading!