Title: True Love: Tinder For Fairy Tales
Disclaimer: I don't own Once Upon A Time. If I did, Adam & Eddy would be fired and picking up litter by the side of the highway.
Summary: Satirical prologue to an upcoming story "Heroes are Stupid, Villains are Attractive".
Author's Note: I wanted chapter numbers to line up with my upcoming story (it's a pet peeve of mine when reading fanfiction), and its blatant parody doesn't quite fit in, with the body of the story, so I'm posting this separately as something of a disclaimer.
Warning: This disclaimer contains mentions of the existence of sex and the "f" word. I can't help it. I'm just crass like that.
True Love: Tinder For Fairy Tales
Met someone with a sketchy tattoo and a skewed sense of honor whose wife you murdered?
Sell yourself into indentured servitude for that sense of freedom and adventure you couldn't get in an arranged marriage?
Pull an alcoholic revenge-killer out from under the pile of people he helped kill in order to infiltrate your heroic girl gang so he could help your son's maternal grandmother murder his paternal grandfather?
Dance at a ball with a girl whose family history of magical Narcolepsy got you turned into a fire-breathing monster and hunted by blood-thirsty soldiers of fortune in a foreign land for so long that you learned their extremely complex written language despite being surrounded by illiterate peasants?
Got robbed and concussed by a wanted traitor on the way to your wedding which resulted in your mother's murder, a two front war, the deaths of hundreds if not thousands of peasants, and the abandonment of your newborn daughter to a life of hardship, neglect, abuse, and a destiny to save everyone by becoming the host for a millennia-old immortal demon?
It's True Love!
True Love is a trademark of the Walt Disney Corporation, and any use without the express written consent of The House of Mouse, is prohibited.
Do not attempt to engage in True Love if you are bellow a 9 on the hotness scale, if you are homosexual, or if you are over the age of "I could pass for eighteen in the right lighting".
Finding True Love may cause repeated bouts of amnesia; anthropomorphic transformation; magical identity theft; unscheduled portal travel; personality disorders including loss of established inherent character traits, presentation of contrary behavior, and narcissism; as well as intermittent long and short term memory loss; increased libido and promiscuity; a belief that happiness is defined by marriage and procreation; the deaths of all other eligible members of the opposite sex who are into you; and a beer-goggle-like delusion that the British accent makes a person smarter, their love more profound, and fucking them a good idea in spite of a history of infidelity, rape and/or homicidal acts.
True Love may also result in an increased frequency of all kinds of nonsensical magical bullshit whenever you attempt to say more than "I love you, let's fuck".
True Love isn't about getting to know the person you're going to spend your life with, it's about endlessly battling tropes, cliches, and MacGuffins in between deus ex machina and wandering plot holes. So, get your True Love with the person you just met who probably tried to kill you or murdered a member of your family today!