A/N: XD That's all I have to say about this. My friend Natalie and I had this idea a loooong time ago. Longer than longcat. Even longer than what people say we should remember 9/11.
So I started writing it a long time ago. And I forgot about it…a long time ago. 8D I was cruising around My Documents, spotted this jurassic monster and finished it.
I admit, it's obviously not the best (or most serious) thing I've written, but it'll do. It must do. /pedosmile.
LIES, DECEPTION, and TUMORS:
A Death Note Melodrama
Light Yagami was a beautiful girl. He had the most luscious Zac Efron hair wig on the market, with bright brown eyes. His breasts were small, unlike the other girls and has hand-me-down bras from his younger sister, Sayu. Sayu's breasts are now borderline D, and Light's are now just barely a 34A. But no matter, some man in the world would love him for who he is, small breasts or ginormous tits like Dolly Parton. Though whoever marries Light would probably prefer it if Light had Dolly Parton door knockers.
But that's just how Light is; small breasts, high quality Zac Efron wig, and brown eye contacts. Simply Light Yagami…
One morning during Zac Ef- I mean Light Yagami's daily beauty routine, which consisted of plastering on acne cream, thick layer of foundation six shades to orange, three applications of volumizing mascara, bright blue eyeshadow, and cherry colored lipstick with black lipliner, and plum colored blush; is when Light noticed a pimple starting to grow into a moon-sized crater underneath his chin.
Light, being a stylish cosmetologist as you can see, never applies acne cream underneath his chin because, well, people only look at his gorgeous face and not underneath his chin. Remembering that his makeup guru, Matsuda, said to always delete blemishes when they appear- ALWAYS. So Light picked and picked that zit until blood was dripping from the raped pore. Smiling triumphantly to himself, he said:
"Fuckin' shit, Light- YOU'RE SO FUCKING HOT. DAMN YOU'RE SMOOTH."
Light placed a piece of toilet paper to where his acne once was, but is now gone because he squeezed cream out of it. :)
Now looking fine with his makeup, he slipped on his wig net and then put on his Zac Efron wig and twirled in the mirror. If L seen him now, L would definitely eat him like a strawberry. That was Light's deep dark secret, he is in love-love for the first time with L. Not Misa, because Light is homosexual, because his last name backwards is "I'M A GAY" so that is how Light dictates his life, through the anagram of his last name. Because he is the smartest student in Japan, and that is the most logical thing to do in his situation.
Ready to hit the town, Light walked pigeon toed down the street because he has teleportation powers that enables him to go only from his bathroom to the street. Nowhere else.
When Light was almost to the super top secret headquarters, his chin hurt like shit. Light placed a well-manicured nail to where his pimple once was, and to his sexy horror it was back- twice the size and with revenge! Light's facial expression could be compared to a grotesque MSN emote. So then Light pulled out his concealer that was two shades too pale for his skin and slathered it over the angry blemish and continued on his way to Headquarters, smiling yet again in truimph over his cleverness, which to most people meant that he was just an arrogant dick.
When Light got to the door that lead to where the other investigators were, he pushed his breasts up, fixed his wig, and applied another layer of mascara and lipstick, hiked his skirt up a little higher, and pulled the neckline of his shirt a little lower, thus making his already pushed up tits look even tittier and bigger. He then bent over to make sure his thong was deep in between his buttcheeks, and to make his camel toe look more pounded. Then was he ready.
He threw the door open, placed his hand over his forehead dramatically and wailed, "IT'S TRUE, IT IS I- I AM KIRA!" He waited patiently for everyone to start yelling and causing drama, but nothing happened. He looked over to where L was sitting, eating a lollipop very suggestively, and L had a bored expression.
"Yes Light, all of us had known this since the beginning when you first entered the room like that. You do it everyday. Now please sit down, so we can discuss about a new public enemy- this time using mind control through her shitty books, Stephanie Meyer. And stop accidentally dropping your pen so you can bend over to show us your man-gina, please."
Light had retrieved the pen that he had 'accidentally' dropped seven times now and walked to the only empty chair next to Matsuda, who leaned over to whisper into Light's ear;
"Hey, I noticed that you started using that cherry colored lipstick I recommended for you. I'm just starting out as an Avon salesman, and I was wondering if you would be interested in buying this new lotion that made herpes disappear once and for all…?"
Light immediately dug into his purse and threw Matsuda a few twenty dollar bills and nodded his head vigorously, because right now Light's herpes were hurting his ass and would like for it to stop.
"So far the only evidence that we have of 's plan to rule the world is her books, which I have read myself and was not affected because I was too busy correcting the grammar errors to take notice of what her book is actually about. She quite possibly has an advantage of knowing the plot. But, I have read the first letter of every word of the first line of a page, and it has read "G W U B S U M M J A S U W S D R Y A K L H" not sure what this means yet, but I'm sure it's something…"
As L continued on intelligently reasoning why Stephanie is a complete twat, Light was thinking of how smooth L's lips were. They were like a baby's bottom smooth, but that is a bad comparison because a baby's ass smells like shit and Light was pretty sure that L's lips didn't smell like shit. Or they could. He didn't know, because he hasn't had a chance to taste them. But when he did, he hoped they didn't taste or smell or look like shit.
As Light was thinking about spooning L, because he was pretty sure that L had a vagina and couldn't have vaginal heterosex with him, he felt the slightly familiar jab of pain under his chin again. When he felt his pimple this time, the zit bit his finger! WTF IS THIS SHIT? Light tried to pull his finger away from the prying jaws of his acne, but he couldn't. To every other task force member, Light looked like he had accidentally glued his finger to his chin and couldn't detach it. Aw, poor guy. Light was scared, obviously, and whimpered like a dog that was kicked.
L looked at Light, with his head cocked. His eyes looking directly at ground zero on Light's face. No, not his cock. His pimple, you dillweed. L then reached towards the table, picked up a single chocolate kiss and threw it at Light's pimple. The jawed creature then released Light's finger, and instead ate the chocolate piece.
"Just as I thought…" L said to himself.
Everyone stared at Light's zit, then at L, and then back to Light's zit. Matsuda then pulled out a tube of Avon herpe cream, and handed it to Light.
"Man, I knew you a case of bad herpes, but hell! This shit isn't right. D:" Matsuda exlaimed.
Mogi and Aizawa were both laughing and on the verge of puking.
Soichiro was facepalming about Light's appearance. Which isn't anything normal.
Light was scared, real scared. He was just a lonely girl with no one in the world to hold him and help him through his current dillema. He silently hoped that L would spontaneously start rubing his vagina again't Light's vagina, but it didn't happen. Light was sad about this.
"I WATCH SAYU MASTURBATE."
Came a squeaky, cartoonic voice. Every one stopped what they were doing, even Mr. Yagami stopped facepalming, to look at Light. Light forced his eyes to protrude five feet from his head to look at his chin.
It now had a face. And it was talking.
"I HAVE WET DREAMS ABOUT MRS. YAGAMI." It barked again.
L stared at the raunchy chin with fascination.
"I WANT TO TIT FUCK L IN THE ASS."
Light was about to simply die of embarrassment, the pimple was revealing his most inner-secrets and fantasies. How could this shit be happening? Light was Japan's top student, and even he didn't even know what the hell was going on. He started to cry.
Mogi left the room, followed by Aizawa and Soichiro.
The only people who were left was Matsuda, L, and obviously Light.
"Matsuda, could you kindly please leave so I could study Light's acne more closely?" L asked in his usual seductive tone.
Matsuda nodded his head, then reached into his bag and brought out seven more tubes of herpe cream, and a bottle of lube. He leaned over and whispered into Light's ear:
"Just in case, y'know? Record it if anything happens. ;DD" and then Matsuda finally left.
Two irresistably hot people in the room. What to do?
Spontenouse sex with no reason, of course!
They started ripping each others clothes off. Light turned into the Hulk and ripped L's whole outfit off. Literally. Like he ripped the clothing at the seams, man. THE SEAMS.
L politely took of Light's clothing, as not to rip them. This annoyed Light so he ripped off his own clothing, using his Hulk strength.
Light finally got to see what was in L's genital region.
Nothing.
Absolutely nothing. The guy was a fuckin' Ken doll. His cock was nonexistent, it was just a microscopic bulge. That wouldn't do.
So Light then pulled out a power drill from his ass – literally – and then started drilling away, making L a bunghole for Light to use his dildos on.
Next Light sculped L a penis out of Play-Doh. A yellow dick. 8D
After Light made L's penis 39758345 inches long, Light plunged himself onto L. His cock came out of Light's mouth. By far.
"THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN REVEALED!" Light screamed out loud.
Almost forgetting that Light's dream was to kiss L, he did so.
It tasted like shit.
It smelled like shit.
Hell, it looked like shit.
Ew.
That's just fuckin' gross, you goddamn sicko.
Wash your face for once.
Jesus.
Anyway, so then yeah.
L came on Light's face, which ultimately landed on Light's chin and it dried the pimple right out.
Light looked L in the face, to which L smiled liek rely omfg kawaii desu neeeeeee! 333 ~*+=^_^=+*~
"It's high resolution." L simply said.
"Oh…" Light mouthed, because to be honest- Light cheated on all of his tests. He slept with a ton of men to get the answers. There. The truth has been revealed. Done.
And that was the day that Light had a zit that revealed to everyone his innermost thoughts and fantasies, plus a shitty, spontaneous, unrealistic sex scene.
FIN.