And now it's time for Bum Reviews. With Chester A. Bum.
Tonight's Review...Mass Effect 3: Leviathan
...
OH MY GOD! THIS IS THE GREATEST DLC I'VE EVER PLAYED IN MY LIFE!
The spoilers can not be breached.
So we go off on another adventure with Commander Shepard.
Wait, Shepard didn't you die synthesizing the whole galaxy?
"I got better."
Ah, I see.
That makes sense.
So Shepard meets with this scientist named Bryson.
AND BRYSON'S LIKE:
"If we're going to defeat the Reapers, we need to know what makes them tick! I've dedicated my life to studying ancient, unexplained legends! And I think I'm close to a breakthrough!"
AND I'M LIKE:
Wow! This Bryson guy has a face code that's superior and unique from most other NPC's in this game. Like Hackett and Anderson! He must have a really important role to play in this DLC.
AND THE ASSISTANT IS LIKE:
"No won't let you."
*BANG!*
Aaaaah, I see what you did there, Bioware.
Giving a character a unique face code to make us think he'll be a major NPC and then shoot him.
Trololo, indeed.
So Shepard has to search through Bryson's apartment for clues to find THE LEVIATHAN!
I WAS A LEVIATHAN ONCE!
I worked for Davy Jones and ate Jack Sparrow.
No wait, that's the kraken. I get the two confused sometimes.
Anyway...
The clues lead him to an asteroid mining colony!
AND THE VIRTUAL TOUR IS LIKE:
"This mining facility has been a proud provider of Tungsten since 2162. We pride ourselves on-"
And then it shuts off.
Just a red exclamation point and static.
...
AND THE MINERS ARE LIKE:
"Turn back."
"You don't belong here."
"You can not breach the darkness."
AND THE WHOLE TIME I WAS LIKE:
"Oh man, these guys are gonna kill me!"
"The NPC's are talking in monotone, the virtual tour guide shut off, they're gonna go all Exorcist on me I know it!"
"...Look at that guy! He's following me! He's going to try and kill me, I know it!"
So then Shepard finds the doctor guy!
AND THE DOCTOR GUY IS LIKE:
"I am Dr. Garneu."
"Really? Can you tell us about the artifact you mentioned in your report?"
"I made no such mention."
"Uh, yeah you did."
"..."
"Doctor?"
"The Darkness can not be breached."
"Oh fudge."
So the doctor slams his fists against the glass which then explode!
"Why do you pursue me?"
AND I WAS LIKE:
"I just wet myself."
So the doctor runs off and you have to chase him!
And then the REAPERS SHOW UP!
AND THE HUSKS ARE LIKE:
UUUUuuuuuUuuuuuUuUuUuUUUUUUu uuuuuhhhhhhh...
AND THE CANNIBALS ARE LIKE:
HUUUUUUUUUUUAAAAAAHHHHHH!
AND THE MARAUDERS ARE LIKE:
VEeeeoooororoorooorreeeeeooo ooooorrrr
AND THE RAVAGERS ARE LIKE:
SkkkrrrRRRRRrrreeeeaaaaaeeee eaaa!
AND THE BRUTES ARE LIKE:
GRRRrrrrRRAAAAAAAAAGH!
AND THE BANSHEES ARE LIKE:
RRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EE!
AND THE WHOLE TIME I WAS LIKE:
"Phew. Thank goodness you guys showed up. This DLC was getting pretty scary!"
So you chase the doctor to this room where the artifact is!
BUT THE DOCTOR IS LIKE:
"Turn back."
*KABOOM!*
AND EDI IS LIKE:
"We need to head back to the Citadel to find more clues."
So Shepard and EDI go back to Bryson's lab on the Citadel!
Where they find out that Bryson's daughter Ann can help them learn more about the artifact!
So Shepard and EDI LOOK FOR MORE CLUES!
...wait, again?
So they find out where Ann is!
AND SHEPARD'S LIKE:
"Alright. We'll go in, grab Ann, and get out. Easy enough!"
AND CORTEZ IS LIKE:
"Shepard! There are over a hundred harvestors out there! And Ann's lab is situated on the side of a cliff!"
"Figures."
So Shepard and his squad make their way up to Ann!
But the whole place is falling apart around them!
And Reaper troops are constantly being dropped and everything's exploding!
Still not as scary as that colony though.
*shutter*
So then Shepard and his squad rescue Ann!
AND ANN IS LIKE:
"The Reapers doing something to the artifact! I've never seen anything like the darkness must not be breached."
AND SHEPARD'S LIKE:
"Screw that! Garrus! Shoot it!"
*BANG!*
*KABOOM!*
Phew, that was close.
"This is all very fascinating. I should tell my father!"
AND SHEPARD'S LIKE:
"Yeah...About that..."
AND THEN:
Shepard heads back to Bryson's lab on the Citadel!
Wait, again?
What is this, a point and click adventure?
And then JAMES SHOWS UP!
AND JAMES IS LIKE:
"Hey Loco, maybe you should keep this husk head as a souvenir."
AND THE HUSK HEAD IS LIKE:
"AAAAAAAIAIIIIIIAAAAAAAAAHHHH HHH!"
AND SHEPARD'S LIKE:
"Yeeeeaaaaah, I'm gonna pass on that one."
AND ANN IS LIKE:
"I'll establish a mind link with the Leviathan so you can track it!"
Brilliant! Nothing could possibly go wrong!
So Ann links with the Leviathan while EDI tracks the organic quantum entanglement system!
I don't get it either, just go with it.
AND ANN IS LIKE:
"The darkness can not be breached."
"EDI, do you have a link yet?"
"No Commander."
"Turn back."
"Get the link! Get the link!"
"Narrowing it down to a system..."
"I will eat your soul!"
"Screw this! James! Cut the connection! I'll search that cluster myself!"
So Shepard goes to this water planet, where the shuttle crash lands!
And you have to fight MORE REAPERS!
AND CORTEZ IS LIKE:
"There's a sea-worthy mech in that garage there. Use it to dive into the depths to find Leviathan!"
"...Do I have to?"
"Yes."
*whimper*
So Shepard climbs into the mech and stands at the water's edge!
"...Do I have to go in?"
"YES!"
"Fine."
*KER-SPLASH!*
So Shepard sinks down to the ocean floor!
AND SHEPARD'S LIKE:
"Okay, Shepard. You're miles below the ocean surface in a very dark and claustrophobic environment. You can do this. You can do this. OH GOD SOMEONE GET ME OUT OF HERE!"
And then the LEVIATHAN SHOWS UP!
And the Leviathan puts Shepard through a dream sequence!
AND THE LEVIATHAN IS LIKE:
"You shalll rojaroocha!"
"...What?"
"Sharahjara!"
"...Okay dude, the voice was scary at first, but now that we're doing exposition now, it's getting kind of annoying."
"Sharack!"
"Ugh, hold on a minute."
*pause menu*
*options*
*subtitles: on*
"Okay, start again from the beginning."
So Leviathan explains how it was his race that created the Catalyst!
Wait.
You!
You were responsible for Mass Effect 3's original ending!
That ending was just plain unsatisfactory!
Alright, you know what? I'm a paragon, but I'm gonna take the renegade ending to this and kill you guys!
...That is an option here, right?
"No."
Crap.
"But we will fight the Reapers."
Oh alright, fine.
So Shepard rockets back up to the surface!
AND THEN:
These two brutes suddenly start fighting each other!
AND THEN:
The Leviathan sends out a pulse that sends a Reaper crashing into the ocean.
AND THEN:
Ann calls!
AND ANN IS LIKE:
"Did you find Leviathan?"
"Yes."
"Was it worth it?"
"Meh. EMS is EMS."
This is Chester A. Bum saying: CHANGE?! YA GOT CHANGE?! AW, COME ON! HELP A GUY OUT WILL YA?! COME ON, CHANGE!
Come on, man! I need money to pay for my therapy bills! I'm STILL havin' nightmares about those colonists!
...
Seriously though. Leviathan was pretty good. Especially that first mission in the tungsten mining colony. That was creepy as hell. And one of them really DID follow me