That night I run a fever, and evilly, I used it all to my advantage. As usual, we'd visited a far off planet in some distant galaxy that I'd soon forgotten the name to. The Doctor assumed I'd picked up a virus from the planet. But he was pretty sure it wouldn't affect him too due to us being completely different species.
It had all started with shivers, then sweats and a constant headache. Firstly, I'd thought it was just a headache so I left the Doctor to his usual business in the console room, and I made my way back to bed. Not even the thick duvet and throw which covered the bed could help me get warm, but the sweat dripped continuously down my brow.
I did sleep for a short while, but as I woke, my whole head felt as if it were stuffed with cotton wool. I couldn't help but groan in frustration as I turned, feeling aching set in at the very base of my back, making me feel like an old aged pensioner. Back home I was rarely ill, but when I was, it was quite rough. I'd be in bed for a few days, not able to do very much apart from sneeze, hack or groan. I'd get through none stop bottles of lemonade and packets of pocket tissues.
Suddenly my mobile phone, which was on the bedside table, began to vibrate. It was an incoming call. I was quite used to still receiving text messages, Facebook notifications, app updates and calls while in space or in another time period. It was Luke. This was the first time he'd bothered to call me now in nearly a fortnight – well, for me it was a fortnight. I didn't know how long ago it had been for him, and I wasn't really all that interested. Now that I was back on the TARDIS, my former life didn't matter. There was no one back on Earth I particularly cared for, apart from my parents, but they'd both made it clear that I was now old enough to not need them.
"Hello?" I asked, feeling my head throb harder.
"I wanted to talk to you about the other night and see what you were doing for Christmas," his voice came. It seemed quite cold, not his usual cheerful tone that I had been used to.
"I'm not sure at the moment. I'm not very well -"
"Really? Well, I tried your flat earlier and Nat said you'd been gone a couple of days and assumed you were at a friend's or your parents' house," Luke replied suspiciously, cutting me off.
Suddenly my room door opened and the Doctor came in, his face bright and his hands gesticulating. "I just came to see if you were feeling better," he said. "I've finished in the console room for now."
Instantly I felt tense. Surely Luke had heard the Doctor speaking in the background of our conversation.
"Who the hell is that?" Luke demanded down the line. "Off at a friend's? A bloke's by the sound of it."
"Luke, no, it's my friend's brother," I said, making up anything I possibly could to defuse the situation which was getting more heated by the second.
I was more interested in the Doctor. His face grew saddened as he realised who was on the other end of the line. "Oh," he said, looking away. "I'll come back later."
Without even thinking, I terminated the call and dashed out of bed. My head spun fiercely, but I was determined to follow him. The Doctor had disappeared from my room and was walking down the corridor. I called after him.
He finally turned, but his eyes were so full of hurt. And I knew exactly why. I'd lied to the Doctor and told him that I'd broken it off with Luke on the very evening we'd left in the TARDIS. It was easier to act as though everything had been taken care of, rather than stating the fact that I'd just upped and left.
"I thought you'd broken up with him?" the Doctor asked, his jaw clenching, but his eyes remaining saddened by the revelation.
I sighed and tried my hardest to focus on him as my eyesight was beginning to blur very slightly due to the headache and fever which was coming on at that point.
"You lied about who I was," he whispered.
"Even you lie about who you are," I reminded him, resting against the wall of the corridor. "Why is it any different for me to do it?"
"How can I just tell him I'm with you, Doctor? He doesn't know anything about you. I never mentioned anything whatsoever about loving someone else. And no, I didn't split with him. He was pissed off with me because I wouldn't have sex with him and stormed out. The reason I wouldn't have sex with him was because I'd seen you that day. How can I be intimate with a man on the very day I've bumped into you?"
"When he got annoyed with you, he didn't hurt you, did he?" the Doctor asked, placing his hands on my shoulders gently. His face was full of concern for me.
"No," I replied, smiling up at him. He was the one person, seemingly above everyone else, who truly cared for my wellbeing.
"Good, because if he had of done, he'd have needed medical assistance to re-set his legs."
I couldn't help but laugh. It was very rare that the Doctor made any kind of threat.
I made my way back to my room, with the Doctor walking alongside me just in case I grew dizzy again. He held my hand all the way back and then lifted the sheets for me to get into the bed. I smiled up at him as he tucked me in. He placed a kiss against my hot forehead, but as he did, I moved my lips upwards and caught his in a lingering lock.
"Sarah," he whispered, almost breathless. "You're ill. Rest yourself."
"Why do you stop me kissing you sometimes?" I asked.
He sat down on the edge of the bed and took my hand in his, kissing it gently. Why did I have to love him so much? He made me weak, yet strong at the same time. I would have done anything for him, and he knew that. But he'd never have used it to his advantage.
He sighed before speaking. "Because if I let myself go completely, Sarah, I know that it wouldn't be right. You don't seem to understand; you get married, have children, and I can't have any of that. I'd like to," and then he smiled. "I'd like to see what it's like. Learn what all the fuss is about. Get a job, maybe in a toy shop again."
"You worked in a toy shop?" I laughed, snuggling into the covers. I loved to listen to everything that came out of his mouth.
"Only for a day, mind you. I had my own name badge and everything. It was cool."
I laughed again, seeing the child-like side to him come out in full swing.
"I thought you always said bow ties and fezzes are cool?" I asked enquiringly, raising an eyebrow at him.
"Yes, they are. But having a name badge is cool, too."
"It actually said 'The Doctor' on it?"
"Yes, why not? That's my name."
I just sniggered at him. "You're mad."
"A lot of people say that," he replied, smiling sadly.
I felt as though I'd offended him somehow. "No, no. I don't mean in a bad way," I reassured. "I like eccentric, off the wall people. I used to get called weird a lot at school, so I kind of quietened down a bit as I got older. I used to enjoy making voices and imitating accents a lot, but in secondary school, kids don't take too kindly to it."
"You sound as though through the pressures of society that you've been forced to become someone else. And that, Sarah, is something you should never have to do."
"I resigned myself to the fact that I had to be like everyone else, but you've helped me in ways you'll never realise, Doctor. And you wonder why I...I'm sorry," I began, but then cut off as I realised that I was so close to being too open with him again.
"Wonder why, what?" he whispered, moving closer to me.
I studied his face; his long jaw, deep set green eyes, and moistening lips. He'd told me that he didn't intend to get close to me again, but he was giving me all the signs that he wanted to.
"Before I answer, why are you giving me all the signs that you want to kiss me, yet you back off?"
"There's a difference between wanting something and knowing you can't," he replied. "I've learned self control, Sarah. I've let it slip with you before and I've got to stop it happening again."
I put my hand against his chest, feeling his shirt. "Well, who was the one who said it's better to experience it once than going through life never having experienced it? You forget what you've said half the time, Doctor."
He took my hand, holding it tight against his chest. "Not when you're ill."
"Then when I'm better? Promise me," I begged. Teasingly, I pulled my hand from his and let my finger slide inside his shirt between the buttons.
His eyes were growing heavy with lust again. I could always tell when he was turned on, so I used this to my advantage and began unbuttoning his shirt. He remained silent, closing his eyes as though he was trying to gather himself together, but it obviously didn't work.
He tossed the duvet aside and threw us both into another kiss. And as we kissed, his hand began slowly moving up my thigh, pushing my night dress aside. All breath escaped me as his lips left mine and caressed my neck. He was even more primal than he'd been when we first made love.
"Don't hold back," I whispered to him. "Let go."
I can't even remember feeling ill in those moments; he had me suspended above everything. I couldn't comprehend anything but having his skin against mine. He'd never know how much I truly loved him and would have done anything to stay with him forever. But even if we were only meant to have tonight, I wanted to make it count.
I lifted my night dress from over my head, leaving me clad in only my underwear. His hands and lips began inspecting me again as I let my hands drift lower down. I popped the button at his waist and began my careful ministrations.
The only heat now in my body was pure arousal. His touches made me want to soar to the very brink and fall away with him. The look in his eyes was something I'd never seen before; it was a mixture of ecstasy, yet somehow mixed with sadness.
Like the first time, his lips trailed down my body, his floppy hair tickling my bare skin as he went.
"Let me..." I said softly, gesturing for him to lie on his back. "Relax."
He did as I requested and lay on his back, his chest still rising and falling quickly. But he never took his eyes off me. They burned into me as I removed his clothing and unclasped his braces.
I started with his lips, where we remained locked for a while. His hands drifted up my cheeks and into my hair and the first time I tried to pull away, he whispered for me not to, so I kissed him again.
Gradually I broke away and kissed down his body, acknowledging every inch. And then I arrived at his erection and gently fingered the head, but I knew I didn't want to hold on anymore. Aroused and eager beyond anything I'd ever felt before, I straddled him, kissing him again before taking him inside me.
Together we thrust back and forth, his hands locked at my hips, guiding me along. I upped the pace as I felt my orgasm building, becoming more and more powerful. And then it came, in one wave. It hit me hard, making me cry out. As I did, I put my head to his and it was in this moment that he also came. His groans escaped for only a second before he took my lips against his again, and our cries became lost to one another.
I rolled over and lay beside him where I placed my head next to his. Lazily, I took his hand in mine and felt him kiss my brow. "Sarah, you're burning up!" he exclaimed.
"You've just had sex with me, Doctor, and you've finally noticed," I giggled.
He stayed with me for the next couple of hours, making sure I was comfortable and had a nonstop supply of drinks. It was as if with him that once we'd been intimate, he seemed to forget. None of his actions implied that there was anything at all serious between us. He was still lively, enthusiastic but held onto a painful past. Past boyfriends I'd had would randomly put their arms around me from behind or kiss my neck as he watched the TV. The Doctor never showed this kind of affection. Instead he'd hold my hand when we walked out of the TARDIS doors to explore a new world or investigate a different time. Sometimes he'd just look at me from across the console room and smile. There was no need for grand romantic gestures.
Our friendly chatter soon died down and the Doctor left me to rest but not before kissing my head. Cheekily, I'd grabbed his bow tie from his pile of clothes that had been on the floor. So far he hadn't noticed it was missing, and had re-dressed, completely oblivious to its absence.
I held the red silk between my fingers and lifted it to my nose, burying my nostrils in its folds. I could smell him on it, so sweet yet with a very slight hint of age.
The shivers came again and the sweats but I wound myself tightly in the sheets, trying to burn it out of me. Sleep came and went, quite a few times. And then when I woke from my last nap, I saw a small vase of bright orange flowers on the bedside table next to me. I looked up to see the Doctor, just about to leave.
"Oh, I thought you might like them. It is flowers when you're not feeling well, isn't it? And grapes?" Then he held out a small box of green grapes.
"Thank you," I said, giving him a smile through the bout of sweats which were racking my body again. "It's very kind of you."
I knew then that I had some serious thinking to do about my impossible relationship with the Doctor, but I'd leave that until I was feeling well again. For now, I'd just continue to enjoy his company as he flitted in and out.