CHARACTERS
- The Serial Killer - Candy Pugliese (Holly Hardison; is also "Serial Killer") - Elaine Rice (Jessica Gunter) - Roberta "Bob" Shelley (Alicia Leonard) - Aloicious (Taylor Scisco) - Henrietta Redman (Rebecca Rogers) - Alyson Fisher (Heather Underwood)
*Note: name someone Chez
*Another note: Taylor is doing some directing and dancing as well. Ryan and Rebecca will be supplying music.
*Another another note: Rebecca has "everything we need"...material wise. She does not have the meaning of life.
*Jessica will be stealing her brother's copy of "The Eminem Show" for the closing scene. Rebecca, Queen of the Damned, will be making a copy.
*I am way too precise and neurotic in taking notes. Onward!
ACT I
SCENE I
At the bleachers, mid-afternoon. A group of high school students is enjoying lunch (props!) They are CANDY, ELAINE, BOB, HENRIETTA, and ALYSON.
HENRIETTA: (in mid-conversation) ...I'm right, you're wrong. Deal with it. R2 is a droid. Not a robot. And definitely not a trashcan!
BOB: (at the same time as Henrietta) Trashcan!
ELAINE: (arguing with Bob, same time as Henri) Robot!
BOB: Traschan!
ELAINE: Robot!
ALYSON: (over the argument) Which begs the question...who cares?
CANDY: I could care less... (giggle)
ELAINE: What are you so happy about?
CANDY: It's a beautiful day! The sun is shining, I have peanut butter, and I have to go away now. (packs up, leaves.)
Camera follows Candy out. Pan back to group, looking confused. No clue as to why Candy suddenly got up and left.
HENRI: Must have been the mother ship calling.
ALYSON: Y'know, usually, this is the part where we all have a conversation where everybody's character is revealed to have some sort of freaky affliction that might make them the guilty party. Unfortunately, I just gave away half the movie.
TAYLOR, AS DIRECTOR, OFF CAMERA: Hey!!!
ALYSON: Oh, sorry. (back into scene) Anyway...
BOB: My mother made apple pie. Would anyone like some pie? I really like pie. Pie is my favorite dessert dish. (Everyone sort of stares at her.)
ELAINE (V.O., thought): Pie...is that a metaphor?
Various conversations resume, and we pan out to an area underneath the bleachers. We see a figure (dressed completely in black, wardrobe!) crouching underneath them, a large butcher knife (props!) held at their side. They are breathing heavily, making really annoying wheezing noises. The group above is oblivious (is anyone surprised)?
HENRI: Guys, you know what day it is?
BOB: Shut up, Henri....we swore we'd never talk about that again.
NOTE: Everything from now until I say so is in FLASHBACK. Deal with it. Black and white.
Henri's grandmother's house. HENRI, BOB, ALYSON, CANDY, and ELAINE are all hanging out. They have all clearly been drinking. They are playing a very violent game of "Poke the Kitty". The cat is MR. JINGLES (played by Odysseus), and he is not having a good time like the rest of the group. Henri is taking particular enjoyment from the kitty's torment.
BOB: (completely wasted) Dude...I haven't been this drunk since...well, last night.
ELAINE: Yeah.
HENRI: This is so cool! (pokes kitty)
ELAINE: Yeah.
ALYSON: Oh...the room is spinning.
ELAINE: Yeah.
HENRI: Hello, kitty kitty... (poke, poke)
ELAINE: Yeah.
BOB: Hey, guys, Star Trek is on!
Everyone exclaims phrases of excitement. They all watch the Star Trek episode (props!) with an odd, creepy sort of fascination.
CLOSE UP on Mr. Jingles. He's pissed.
CLOSE UP of Henri, mesmerized by the television.
Suddenly, without warning, Mr. Jingles launches himself at Henri! (Okay, so not really, someone just throws a stuffed cat at Rebecca.) Henri yells, and tries to pry the angry cat from her throat (NOTE: this battle should take place in slow motion.) Everyone looks shocked and says things like "Oh my God!" and "Nooooo!" (also in slow motion, ad lib) Candy giggles (also slow motion). Henri finally pries the cat loose, and chucks him at the window (this happens in regular speed.) There is a sickening CRACK (made by someone off camera) and the cat falls.
CANDY: Oh.
HENRI: (out of breath, terrified) It tried to kill me! That thing tried to kill me!
ALYSON: Ah, the consequences of "Poke the Kitty".
ELAINE: Yeah.
BOB: Uh, guys? He doesn't look so good. (everyone looks at the cat, on his back with legs sticking in the air) In fact...he's a little...stiff.
The group gets up, and walks over to examine the cat. He is very, very dead. Not just kinda dead, very dead. Deader than Judas Iscariot. Yeah, you get the idea. So anyway...the cat is very dead. Everyone regards him, not sure what to do.
ALYSON: Hehe. You just killed your grandma's cat.
HENRI: No, I didn't. He's just resting.
ELAINE: Yeah.
CANDY: (kicks him) Yep, he's dead all right.
HENRI: (suddenly frantic, AND sober): We gotta get rid of the body! No one can every know! Oh my god, I'm a murderer! Come on, help me! Get a shoebox!
CUT TO: A grave, already filled in, with a single flower on top. The group stands over the shallow grave, looking stunned and worried.
BOB: Ashes to ashes, dust to dust...
HENRI: No one can ever know. Right here, right now, we make a pact. You never speak a word of this to anyone, do you hear me? Huh? No one says a word.Got it?
BOB: Yeah. Sure.
ALYSON: Whatever.
CANDY: Right.
ELAINE: Yeah.
Out of flashback mode. On the bleachers, everyone looks troubled. Henri is on the verge of tears. Everyone sighs at different intervals.
BOB: Anybody want pie?
End of Scene I
SCENE II
Sunset. A young man, ALOICIOUS, is walking home. He has a BACKPACK (props!). In the background is music ("Peter and the Wolf"). He looks fairly normal, an average guy. He's obviously in his own little world. He stops as he hears rustling nearby, accompanied by a painful moan. He turns, and a zombie is crawling limply across the grass toward him, mouth hanging open, blood pouring from its mouth. Aloicious stops, watching, fascinated. He nods, taking in the scene. Thinking, he pulls a camera from his backpack, takes a picture, and grins.
ALOICIOUS: Cool.
He walks off.
Brief interlude... CUT TO: Because it is. I don't know. Rebecca sometimes scares me. It's not cool. What the hell are they talking about? Might as well be talking about Physics. Which,by the way, I know nothing about. Assclowns. All of you bow down to me now!!! I don't care if I mash the cat. DEATH IS COOL. Rebecca's with me on this one. What? Is something bothering you, Padfoot? She knows, she's just too retarded to apply what she knows. No, you're retarded. Ody is not your friend. Ian is your only friend. And he's Ryan's SPECIAL FRIEND. Gayness, gayness, gayness. This one time, at band camp, nevermind...
I don't care who looks at this script, because everyone knows that I'm out of my mind anyway. So what does it matter? Have you ever heard that if you go to Charter with your report card, and your grades are good, you get a free hour?
Anyway...I don't know, Padfoot, I've never tried. They wouldn't let me in. Said I was too severe and too far gone. Oh, whatever that means.
I feel like a monkey drawing pictures to amuse the scientists. Good thing, I suppose, because if I ever go mute (lucky you people) I can still communicate. Same thing if I go blind. Right now I'm looking at Rebecca as I type. People think that's scary.
The cat is watching the ghosts walk around the room.
This is the most haunted room in the house.
Yep, the one you're in right now.
They walk by my bed all the time.
Once they touched me.
End interlude...thank God.
CUT TO: A quiet, well lit neighborhood.
NOTE: The "woman victim" in this scene is to be played by Ryan Goodman, in drag.
CUT TO: A kitchen. A woman, approximately 40, is mixing up a batch of cookies. I must emphasize that she is VERY UGLY, and very obvoiusly a MAN, baby! She hums a little tune to herself as she mixes, and is oblivious, much like everyone else in this script.
WOMAN (mannish): What a day, what a day. (Very stereotypical) I hope the kids like these cookies! (loudly, kiss of death) Right now I'm alllllll alone!
We see in the background the same person who was previously under the bleachers in Scene I. (S)he is unwrapping a candy bar, waiting patiently. After a moment, it sits down the candy and picks up a butcher knife (props again) from the counter. The "housewife" continues to hum and mix.
The killer mimes yawning, and leans against the counter, obviously not liking the wait. The housewife finally decides (God only knows why) to turn around. Seeing the masked figure she gasps, and backs toward the counter.
KILLER: Uh...hey.
HOUSEWIFE: Oh, no!
KILLER: I'm gonna gut you...say...lovely tile. Porcelain?
HOUSEWIFE: Why yes! How'd you know?
KILLER: Took some interior design classes once.
HOUSEWIFE: Oh. You like Emily Dickenson?
KILLER: Sometimes. When I'm feeling sappy. You like Patsy Cline?
HOUSEWIFE: Of course! I just bought the new Garth Brooks album the other day...I'm a little disappointed.
KILLER: Oh, I coulda told you that. Guys not at the top of his game. Remember the alter ego thing?
HOUSEWIFE: Of course. That was way scarier than anything in this movie.
They continue to make chitchat. Add lib.
Once again, the off-screen director gets impatient.
DIRECTOR: Hey, guys? Can we maybe get on with it? You're wasting film.
BOTH: Oh, yeah, sorry.
DIRECTOR: Thanks.
KILLER: Do you want to die tonight?
HOUSEWIFE: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!
KILLER: Jesus. Now you definitely gotta die.
CUT TO: A kid skipping up the front steps, not having a clue. As he does, the killer emerges, blood on his/her hands, whistling a jaunty tune. The kid stops, staring at the killer.
KILLER: Hey, kid. Your mom's dead. Later.
The kid stands there, not quite sure what's going on. He smiles innocently, not really comprehending just yet. After a moment, he frowns.
KID: Mommy!
CUT TO: Henri's house. Henri is sitting at her computer, typing away. She's not paying attention to anything because whatever she's looking at has to do with STAR WARS. *cough* Anyway...she's typing. Yeah. She stops when she hears a dull thud. She looks up, frowning. There's a knock on her closed door. She gets up, and goes to it. She is wearing really funny pajamas (wardrobe!) She opens the door. Aloicious is standing there, stoic and bored looking.
ALOICIOUS: Hey.
HENRI: Hey.
AL:
There are zombies in the city.
HENRI: Cool.
AL: Just thought you'd like to know.
HENRI:
Oh. Well, thanks for the warning.
AL: Okay.
HENRI: Yeah.
AL: So...did you know that most serial killers come from divorced households, and that an early warning sign of serial murder is extreme cruelty to animals?
HENRI: Oookay...I didn't know that, Aloicious. Thank you for telling me.
AL: You're welcome. Want to know more? I have an endless reserve of morbid trivia! Like, for example, the most common cause of death for an alcoholic is drowning in their own vomit.
HENRI: Ummm...that's interesting. I think. Um, what are you doing here?
AL: Just wanted to warn you about the zombies, I think. Maybe. Yeah. (pause) So...
All the sudden, a ZOMBIE kicks open the door, makes some gross gurgling noises, and teeters there for a few moments.
AL: See what I'm talking about?
ZOMBIE: Maaauuhhhh!
AL: No, you can't eat my brains. (kicks zombie in gut)
The zombie falls. Al stomps on him for a while.
AL: This will only take care of him for a little while.
HENRI: So what do we do when he wakes up?
AL: You should probably stomp on him for a little longer. Maybe toss him out the window...that'll slow him down.
HENRI: You want a snack or something? Old Lady McLeary bakes cookies for her children sometimes. She's really old, so she thinks her children still live there. She's a little psycho, so she thinks just about anyone is one of her kids. Ask the mailman.
AL: Cookies?
HENRI: (nods) Peanut butter.
AL: 'Kay.
CUT TO: Old Lady McLeary's kitchen. She's dead, much as we left her. Her son (we suppose) is standing over her, eating a cookie and watching the blood coagulate. He's not crying or anything...he might as well be watching "Spongebob Squarepants". Suddenly, Al and Henri bust in.
HENRI: Hey, mom! Got any cookies?
Al realizes first that something is horribly wrong. He hurries over, slides down beside her, and takes her pulse.
AL: She seems...a little more dead than usual.
HENRI: Oh.
Al looks up to see Old Lady McLeary's son eating a cookie, staring at his dead mother.
AL: Is that peanut butter?
KID: Uh huh.
AL: (thinking) Look over there! It's Zsa Zsa Gabor! (kids looks, Al grabs the cookie) Yes! (he scampers out the open door. Henri shrugs, and follows)
KID: Where's my cookie?
Suddenly, a zombie leaps at him, tackles him to the ground. Fade out.
Cut to: A blond girl, walking alone at night. She's ditzy and prissy, and wearing an extremely short skirt and a spaghetti strap shirt. (It's going to be fairly obvious that her breasts are fake, with tissue paper making up one and a Kleenex box making up the other.) She's chewing bubble gum, and has an elaborate blond wig. Suddenly, a VAMPIRE leaps out of nowhere and makes a scary vampire noise. The girl squawks, and the vampire bitch slaps her. The gum falls from her mouth.
GIRL: Dude. You totally made me, like, lose my gum. I mean, like, look at it. I'm gonna totally stab you with this semi-pointy stick.
They exchange various punches. THIS ENTIRE FIGHT TAKES PLACE IN SLOW MOTION. It's pretty cool. The girl finally produces a stake, and attempts to stab the vampire. Of course, it's a very dull stake, so it doesn't work. The girl looks at the stake, shrugs, and slowly BLUDGEONS THE VAMPIRE TO DEATH. He lies there convulsing after he's dead. Girl shrugs, and walks off. The vampire groans, and pulls himself up to his knees.
VAMPIRE: Oh sweet death! Harvest me now! What have I ever done to deserve such unbearanble pain! Well, besides drinking people's blood. But that's not the point.OH GLORIOUS REAPER OF THE DARK BEYOND COME FOR ME AND END MY SUFFERING!
DIRECTOR: Hurry up.
VAMPIRE: For the love of all that is good and merciful, someone please kill me!
DIRECTOR: Seriously... shut it.
VAMPIRE: (slow drawn out death gurgle.. and twitching.)
Cut to: Al and Henri, walking home from the crime scene. Henri is clearly shaken, while Al is clearly enjoying the cookie. He munches loudly, and chews with his mouth open. After a moment, he stops.
AL: Should we have maybe...called the police?
HENRI: Probably. (both of them shrug)
AL: I really don't feel so well.
He PROJECTILE VOMITS.
AL: Well damn.
He and Henri stand there, examining the stomach contents. Neither says anything for a long while. Finally, Al shrugs.
AL: (Satanic chanting)
HENRI: Okay. We need a young priest and an old priest. Or, half of a coconut, full of water. (holds out hand, and it magically appears) Okay.
Cut to: The next day. The 'main characters' are all sitting around, eating Pop Rocks. No one is saying much of anything. Henri and Al look kinda nervous, thanks to the fact that they didn't report a murder the previous night.
BOB: Hey...did you guys hear the story of the guy who ate too many Pop-
AL: (frantically) All right, it was ME! I stole the cookie, I knew about the zombies! Oh God! And it was me who vomited all over the sidewalk, causing that wheelchair to spin into an uncontrollable skid and slam into an oncoming fuel truck, blowing up half of downtown!
HENRI: And I watched him do it!
Both collapse into squirming, convulsing heaps of guilt on the floor.
There is no sound, except for Candy giggling.
ALYSON: So?
AL: Nooooo...it hurts...
BOB: What are you guys talking about?
HENRI: The guilt...it's too much... I wish I were dead!
ELAINE: Boy...I wonder if she will be killed in an upcoming scene.
CUT TO: Henri's bedroom. She's tossing and turning in her sleep, obviously still horrified by the events of the previous night.
HENRI: (in her sleep) No...nooooooooooo!!!
We see the KILLER crouched beside her bed, clutching the same knife as before. Henri continues to toss in her sleep. After a moment, she bolts upright and is awake.
HENRI: It was all a dream. Except for the guilt...the horrible, mind-numbing guilt!
KILLER: Nnnnyyyyyaaaaaahhhh!
Henri opens her mouth to scream, but it's too late. Well, maybe just one scream.
HENRI: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!
The killer lunges, and we FADE OUT just as (s)he makes it to the bed.
CUT TO: Someone's bedroom that we haven't already used, which should be hard because we're cheap and have no funding. We hear the sounds of someone crying, and notice that the bedroom has someone in it. The PERSON is under a blanket, shivering. The angle is set up so that we can see both the door and the bed. The door opens, and ELAINE enters, looking apprehensive. She cautiously approaches the bed, not sure what to expect. Hesitantly, she throws back the covers to reveal a small boy, trembling and terrified. His eyes are tear-filled and he's about to break down sobbing. Elaine observes him for a moment, and rolls her eyes. With a huff, she puts her hands on her hips, and sighs.
ELAINE: Oh, please. Let me guess. You see dead people, right?
KID: (confused, irritated) Uh, no. I'm just...a little cold. (a beat, then) Could I have my blanket back, ya think?
ELAINE: Oh...uh, sure. (gives the kid his blanket)
KID: Well, now that you mention it...there is a dead person standing right behind you.
Elaine turns around and there stands ZOMBIE HENRI. She's all bloody and extremely cool looking, and has clumps of skin hanging off of her.
ZOMBIE HENRI: Muuuaaaahhhh...
ELAINE: Uh, hey. Did you know you're ah, uh, zombie? You got a little...something...right there. Is that...skin? I didn't know you were dead!
ZOMBIE HENRI: Muahhhhh.
The two regard each other for several moments. Zombie Henri stares at Elaine, who looks at her like a cow looks at an oncoming train.
- The Serial Killer - Candy Pugliese (Holly Hardison; is also "Serial Killer") - Elaine Rice (Jessica Gunter) - Roberta "Bob" Shelley (Alicia Leonard) - Aloicious (Taylor Scisco) - Henrietta Redman (Rebecca Rogers) - Alyson Fisher (Heather Underwood)
*Note: name someone Chez
*Another note: Taylor is doing some directing and dancing as well. Ryan and Rebecca will be supplying music.
*Another another note: Rebecca has "everything we need"...material wise. She does not have the meaning of life.
*Jessica will be stealing her brother's copy of "The Eminem Show" for the closing scene. Rebecca, Queen of the Damned, will be making a copy.
*I am way too precise and neurotic in taking notes. Onward!
ACT I
SCENE I
At the bleachers, mid-afternoon. A group of high school students is enjoying lunch (props!) They are CANDY, ELAINE, BOB, HENRIETTA, and ALYSON.
HENRIETTA: (in mid-conversation) ...I'm right, you're wrong. Deal with it. R2 is a droid. Not a robot. And definitely not a trashcan!
BOB: (at the same time as Henrietta) Trashcan!
ELAINE: (arguing with Bob, same time as Henri) Robot!
BOB: Traschan!
ELAINE: Robot!
ALYSON: (over the argument) Which begs the question...who cares?
CANDY: I could care less... (giggle)
ELAINE: What are you so happy about?
CANDY: It's a beautiful day! The sun is shining, I have peanut butter, and I have to go away now. (packs up, leaves.)
Camera follows Candy out. Pan back to group, looking confused. No clue as to why Candy suddenly got up and left.
HENRI: Must have been the mother ship calling.
ALYSON: Y'know, usually, this is the part where we all have a conversation where everybody's character is revealed to have some sort of freaky affliction that might make them the guilty party. Unfortunately, I just gave away half the movie.
TAYLOR, AS DIRECTOR, OFF CAMERA: Hey!!!
ALYSON: Oh, sorry. (back into scene) Anyway...
BOB: My mother made apple pie. Would anyone like some pie? I really like pie. Pie is my favorite dessert dish. (Everyone sort of stares at her.)
ELAINE (V.O., thought): Pie...is that a metaphor?
Various conversations resume, and we pan out to an area underneath the bleachers. We see a figure (dressed completely in black, wardrobe!) crouching underneath them, a large butcher knife (props!) held at their side. They are breathing heavily, making really annoying wheezing noises. The group above is oblivious (is anyone surprised)?
HENRI: Guys, you know what day it is?
BOB: Shut up, Henri....we swore we'd never talk about that again.
NOTE: Everything from now until I say so is in FLASHBACK. Deal with it. Black and white.
Henri's grandmother's house. HENRI, BOB, ALYSON, CANDY, and ELAINE are all hanging out. They have all clearly been drinking. They are playing a very violent game of "Poke the Kitty". The cat is MR. JINGLES (played by Odysseus), and he is not having a good time like the rest of the group. Henri is taking particular enjoyment from the kitty's torment.
BOB: (completely wasted) Dude...I haven't been this drunk since...well, last night.
ELAINE: Yeah.
HENRI: This is so cool! (pokes kitty)
ELAINE: Yeah.
ALYSON: Oh...the room is spinning.
ELAINE: Yeah.
HENRI: Hello, kitty kitty... (poke, poke)
ELAINE: Yeah.
BOB: Hey, guys, Star Trek is on!
Everyone exclaims phrases of excitement. They all watch the Star Trek episode (props!) with an odd, creepy sort of fascination.
CLOSE UP on Mr. Jingles. He's pissed.
CLOSE UP of Henri, mesmerized by the television.
Suddenly, without warning, Mr. Jingles launches himself at Henri! (Okay, so not really, someone just throws a stuffed cat at Rebecca.) Henri yells, and tries to pry the angry cat from her throat (NOTE: this battle should take place in slow motion.) Everyone looks shocked and says things like "Oh my God!" and "Nooooo!" (also in slow motion, ad lib) Candy giggles (also slow motion). Henri finally pries the cat loose, and chucks him at the window (this happens in regular speed.) There is a sickening CRACK (made by someone off camera) and the cat falls.
CANDY: Oh.
HENRI: (out of breath, terrified) It tried to kill me! That thing tried to kill me!
ALYSON: Ah, the consequences of "Poke the Kitty".
ELAINE: Yeah.
BOB: Uh, guys? He doesn't look so good. (everyone looks at the cat, on his back with legs sticking in the air) In fact...he's a little...stiff.
The group gets up, and walks over to examine the cat. He is very, very dead. Not just kinda dead, very dead. Deader than Judas Iscariot. Yeah, you get the idea. So anyway...the cat is very dead. Everyone regards him, not sure what to do.
ALYSON: Hehe. You just killed your grandma's cat.
HENRI: No, I didn't. He's just resting.
ELAINE: Yeah.
CANDY: (kicks him) Yep, he's dead all right.
HENRI: (suddenly frantic, AND sober): We gotta get rid of the body! No one can every know! Oh my god, I'm a murderer! Come on, help me! Get a shoebox!
CUT TO: A grave, already filled in, with a single flower on top. The group stands over the shallow grave, looking stunned and worried.
BOB: Ashes to ashes, dust to dust...
HENRI: No one can ever know. Right here, right now, we make a pact. You never speak a word of this to anyone, do you hear me? Huh? No one says a word.Got it?
BOB: Yeah. Sure.
ALYSON: Whatever.
CANDY: Right.
ELAINE: Yeah.
Out of flashback mode. On the bleachers, everyone looks troubled. Henri is on the verge of tears. Everyone sighs at different intervals.
BOB: Anybody want pie?
End of Scene I
SCENE II
Sunset. A young man, ALOICIOUS, is walking home. He has a BACKPACK (props!). In the background is music ("Peter and the Wolf"). He looks fairly normal, an average guy. He's obviously in his own little world. He stops as he hears rustling nearby, accompanied by a painful moan. He turns, and a zombie is crawling limply across the grass toward him, mouth hanging open, blood pouring from its mouth. Aloicious stops, watching, fascinated. He nods, taking in the scene. Thinking, he pulls a camera from his backpack, takes a picture, and grins.
ALOICIOUS: Cool.
He walks off.
Brief interlude... CUT TO: Because it is. I don't know. Rebecca sometimes scares me. It's not cool. What the hell are they talking about? Might as well be talking about Physics. Which,by the way, I know nothing about. Assclowns. All of you bow down to me now!!! I don't care if I mash the cat. DEATH IS COOL. Rebecca's with me on this one. What? Is something bothering you, Padfoot? She knows, she's just too retarded to apply what she knows. No, you're retarded. Ody is not your friend. Ian is your only friend. And he's Ryan's SPECIAL FRIEND. Gayness, gayness, gayness. This one time, at band camp, nevermind...
I don't care who looks at this script, because everyone knows that I'm out of my mind anyway. So what does it matter? Have you ever heard that if you go to Charter with your report card, and your grades are good, you get a free hour?
Anyway...I don't know, Padfoot, I've never tried. They wouldn't let me in. Said I was too severe and too far gone. Oh, whatever that means.
I feel like a monkey drawing pictures to amuse the scientists. Good thing, I suppose, because if I ever go mute (lucky you people) I can still communicate. Same thing if I go blind. Right now I'm looking at Rebecca as I type. People think that's scary.
The cat is watching the ghosts walk around the room.
This is the most haunted room in the house.
Yep, the one you're in right now.
They walk by my bed all the time.
Once they touched me.
End interlude...thank God.
CUT TO: A quiet, well lit neighborhood.
NOTE: The "woman victim" in this scene is to be played by Ryan Goodman, in drag.
CUT TO: A kitchen. A woman, approximately 40, is mixing up a batch of cookies. I must emphasize that she is VERY UGLY, and very obvoiusly a MAN, baby! She hums a little tune to herself as she mixes, and is oblivious, much like everyone else in this script.
WOMAN (mannish): What a day, what a day. (Very stereotypical) I hope the kids like these cookies! (loudly, kiss of death) Right now I'm alllllll alone!
We see in the background the same person who was previously under the bleachers in Scene I. (S)he is unwrapping a candy bar, waiting patiently. After a moment, it sits down the candy and picks up a butcher knife (props again) from the counter. The "housewife" continues to hum and mix.
The killer mimes yawning, and leans against the counter, obviously not liking the wait. The housewife finally decides (God only knows why) to turn around. Seeing the masked figure she gasps, and backs toward the counter.
KILLER: Uh...hey.
HOUSEWIFE: Oh, no!
KILLER: I'm gonna gut you...say...lovely tile. Porcelain?
HOUSEWIFE: Why yes! How'd you know?
KILLER: Took some interior design classes once.
HOUSEWIFE: Oh. You like Emily Dickenson?
KILLER: Sometimes. When I'm feeling sappy. You like Patsy Cline?
HOUSEWIFE: Of course! I just bought the new Garth Brooks album the other day...I'm a little disappointed.
KILLER: Oh, I coulda told you that. Guys not at the top of his game. Remember the alter ego thing?
HOUSEWIFE: Of course. That was way scarier than anything in this movie.
They continue to make chitchat. Add lib.
Once again, the off-screen director gets impatient.
DIRECTOR: Hey, guys? Can we maybe get on with it? You're wasting film.
BOTH: Oh, yeah, sorry.
DIRECTOR: Thanks.
KILLER: Do you want to die tonight?
HOUSEWIFE: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!
KILLER: Jesus. Now you definitely gotta die.
CUT TO: A kid skipping up the front steps, not having a clue. As he does, the killer emerges, blood on his/her hands, whistling a jaunty tune. The kid stops, staring at the killer.
KILLER: Hey, kid. Your mom's dead. Later.
The kid stands there, not quite sure what's going on. He smiles innocently, not really comprehending just yet. After a moment, he frowns.
KID: Mommy!
CUT TO: Henri's house. Henri is sitting at her computer, typing away. She's not paying attention to anything because whatever she's looking at has to do with STAR WARS. *cough* Anyway...she's typing. Yeah. She stops when she hears a dull thud. She looks up, frowning. There's a knock on her closed door. She gets up, and goes to it. She is wearing really funny pajamas (wardrobe!) She opens the door. Aloicious is standing there, stoic and bored looking.
ALOICIOUS: Hey.
HENRI: Hey.
AL:
There are zombies in the city.
HENRI: Cool.
AL: Just thought you'd like to know.
HENRI:
Oh. Well, thanks for the warning.
AL: Okay.
HENRI: Yeah.
AL: So...did you know that most serial killers come from divorced households, and that an early warning sign of serial murder is extreme cruelty to animals?
HENRI: Oookay...I didn't know that, Aloicious. Thank you for telling me.
AL: You're welcome. Want to know more? I have an endless reserve of morbid trivia! Like, for example, the most common cause of death for an alcoholic is drowning in their own vomit.
HENRI: Ummm...that's interesting. I think. Um, what are you doing here?
AL: Just wanted to warn you about the zombies, I think. Maybe. Yeah. (pause) So...
All the sudden, a ZOMBIE kicks open the door, makes some gross gurgling noises, and teeters there for a few moments.
AL: See what I'm talking about?
ZOMBIE: Maaauuhhhh!
AL: No, you can't eat my brains. (kicks zombie in gut)
The zombie falls. Al stomps on him for a while.
AL: This will only take care of him for a little while.
HENRI: So what do we do when he wakes up?
AL: You should probably stomp on him for a little longer. Maybe toss him out the window...that'll slow him down.
HENRI: You want a snack or something? Old Lady McLeary bakes cookies for her children sometimes. She's really old, so she thinks her children still live there. She's a little psycho, so she thinks just about anyone is one of her kids. Ask the mailman.
AL: Cookies?
HENRI: (nods) Peanut butter.
AL: 'Kay.
CUT TO: Old Lady McLeary's kitchen. She's dead, much as we left her. Her son (we suppose) is standing over her, eating a cookie and watching the blood coagulate. He's not crying or anything...he might as well be watching "Spongebob Squarepants". Suddenly, Al and Henri bust in.
HENRI: Hey, mom! Got any cookies?
Al realizes first that something is horribly wrong. He hurries over, slides down beside her, and takes her pulse.
AL: She seems...a little more dead than usual.
HENRI: Oh.
Al looks up to see Old Lady McLeary's son eating a cookie, staring at his dead mother.
AL: Is that peanut butter?
KID: Uh huh.
AL: (thinking) Look over there! It's Zsa Zsa Gabor! (kids looks, Al grabs the cookie) Yes! (he scampers out the open door. Henri shrugs, and follows)
KID: Where's my cookie?
Suddenly, a zombie leaps at him, tackles him to the ground. Fade out.
Cut to: A blond girl, walking alone at night. She's ditzy and prissy, and wearing an extremely short skirt and a spaghetti strap shirt. (It's going to be fairly obvious that her breasts are fake, with tissue paper making up one and a Kleenex box making up the other.) She's chewing bubble gum, and has an elaborate blond wig. Suddenly, a VAMPIRE leaps out of nowhere and makes a scary vampire noise. The girl squawks, and the vampire bitch slaps her. The gum falls from her mouth.
GIRL: Dude. You totally made me, like, lose my gum. I mean, like, look at it. I'm gonna totally stab you with this semi-pointy stick.
They exchange various punches. THIS ENTIRE FIGHT TAKES PLACE IN SLOW MOTION. It's pretty cool. The girl finally produces a stake, and attempts to stab the vampire. Of course, it's a very dull stake, so it doesn't work. The girl looks at the stake, shrugs, and slowly BLUDGEONS THE VAMPIRE TO DEATH. He lies there convulsing after he's dead. Girl shrugs, and walks off. The vampire groans, and pulls himself up to his knees.
VAMPIRE: Oh sweet death! Harvest me now! What have I ever done to deserve such unbearanble pain! Well, besides drinking people's blood. But that's not the point.OH GLORIOUS REAPER OF THE DARK BEYOND COME FOR ME AND END MY SUFFERING!
DIRECTOR: Hurry up.
VAMPIRE: For the love of all that is good and merciful, someone please kill me!
DIRECTOR: Seriously... shut it.
VAMPIRE: (slow drawn out death gurgle.. and twitching.)
Cut to: Al and Henri, walking home from the crime scene. Henri is clearly shaken, while Al is clearly enjoying the cookie. He munches loudly, and chews with his mouth open. After a moment, he stops.
AL: Should we have maybe...called the police?
HENRI: Probably. (both of them shrug)
AL: I really don't feel so well.
He PROJECTILE VOMITS.
AL: Well damn.
He and Henri stand there, examining the stomach contents. Neither says anything for a long while. Finally, Al shrugs.
AL: (Satanic chanting)
HENRI: Okay. We need a young priest and an old priest. Or, half of a coconut, full of water. (holds out hand, and it magically appears) Okay.
Cut to: The next day. The 'main characters' are all sitting around, eating Pop Rocks. No one is saying much of anything. Henri and Al look kinda nervous, thanks to the fact that they didn't report a murder the previous night.
BOB: Hey...did you guys hear the story of the guy who ate too many Pop-
AL: (frantically) All right, it was ME! I stole the cookie, I knew about the zombies! Oh God! And it was me who vomited all over the sidewalk, causing that wheelchair to spin into an uncontrollable skid and slam into an oncoming fuel truck, blowing up half of downtown!
HENRI: And I watched him do it!
Both collapse into squirming, convulsing heaps of guilt on the floor.
There is no sound, except for Candy giggling.
ALYSON: So?
AL: Nooooo...it hurts...
BOB: What are you guys talking about?
HENRI: The guilt...it's too much... I wish I were dead!
ELAINE: Boy...I wonder if she will be killed in an upcoming scene.
CUT TO: Henri's bedroom. She's tossing and turning in her sleep, obviously still horrified by the events of the previous night.
HENRI: (in her sleep) No...nooooooooooo!!!
We see the KILLER crouched beside her bed, clutching the same knife as before. Henri continues to toss in her sleep. After a moment, she bolts upright and is awake.
HENRI: It was all a dream. Except for the guilt...the horrible, mind-numbing guilt!
KILLER: Nnnnyyyyyaaaaaahhhh!
Henri opens her mouth to scream, but it's too late. Well, maybe just one scream.
HENRI: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!
The killer lunges, and we FADE OUT just as (s)he makes it to the bed.
CUT TO: Someone's bedroom that we haven't already used, which should be hard because we're cheap and have no funding. We hear the sounds of someone crying, and notice that the bedroom has someone in it. The PERSON is under a blanket, shivering. The angle is set up so that we can see both the door and the bed. The door opens, and ELAINE enters, looking apprehensive. She cautiously approaches the bed, not sure what to expect. Hesitantly, she throws back the covers to reveal a small boy, trembling and terrified. His eyes are tear-filled and he's about to break down sobbing. Elaine observes him for a moment, and rolls her eyes. With a huff, she puts her hands on her hips, and sighs.
ELAINE: Oh, please. Let me guess. You see dead people, right?
KID: (confused, irritated) Uh, no. I'm just...a little cold. (a beat, then) Could I have my blanket back, ya think?
ELAINE: Oh...uh, sure. (gives the kid his blanket)
KID: Well, now that you mention it...there is a dead person standing right behind you.
Elaine turns around and there stands ZOMBIE HENRI. She's all bloody and extremely cool looking, and has clumps of skin hanging off of her.
ZOMBIE HENRI: Muuuaaaahhhh...
ELAINE: Uh, hey. Did you know you're ah, uh, zombie? You got a little...something...right there. Is that...skin? I didn't know you were dead!
ZOMBIE HENRI: Muahhhhh.
The two regard each other for several moments. Zombie Henri stares at Elaine, who looks at her like a cow looks at an oncoming train.