Lee and Amanda sat at their respective desks in the Q Bureau, both absorbed in their reports. Amanda's thoughts caused her to look off pensively. Lee, even though he was engrossed in his paperwork, instinctively felt the change in her without needing to look. He quietly closed his folder and turned his attention to Amanda. His elbows on his desk, he rested his chin on his folded hands. Without conscious effort, he watched her and knew her thoughts as clearly as if she had told him. He'd been able to do this for the last few months. At first it had bothered him that he could read her thoughts. With time, he realized that it was an asset in their cases, and eventually that it meant something more. Lee had actually started to take a quiet pride in the fact that, for the first time in his life, he had enough of a connection with another person that not everything needed to be said in order to be understood. Of course, he didn't say any of this to Amanda. He was just enjoying it, and trying to figure out what it meant for his future.
"You're right, you know," he said in response to the thoughts he knew she was having.
"Huh?.....About what?" Amanda stumbled out of her thoughts to realize Lee was all but staring at her.
"You're right. We should probably keep an eye on Roberts, even though the case is officially closed."
"Great," she thought. "I must have been mumbling my thoughts." She decided to explain her thoughts, unaware that it wasn't necessary. "I was just thinking that it hadn't taken much for the Russians to turn him. And it didn't take much for us to turn him back. Roberts is a revolving door. Turning for whoever pushes him. I doubt the Russians will just leave him be.....And sorry for mumbling about it."
Lee smirked, which confused Amanda.
"As I said, I agree. We'll keep him under surveillance.....and you didn't mumble. In fact, you didn't say anything," Lee continued and then looked away, realizing he'd let his "secret" out.
Amanda's dark eyes widened. "Then how did you...?" and let the thought trail off. Recently she had noticed that Lee often seemed to have an eerie way of knowing what was going on in her mind. It had made them better, more effective partners. She closed her eyes, trying not to wince. "I hope he can't read every thought I have," she thought painfully. "If he knows what goes through my mind whenever I look at him....whenever he smiles, or laughs....or when he looks at me like he is right now....Stop it! If he can tell what I'm thinking, now is not the time to have these thoughts."
They both looked at each other deeply and then quickly broke away to return to their reports. Neither one ready to delve into that conversation any further.
"Whoa, that was close," Lee thought as he reopened his folder and tried to refocus his attention to the matter at hand. "I let it slip that I feel without thinking what she is thinking." He shook his head and then ran his hand through his hair as he leaned back in his chair. "Too bad I can't tell what she thinks, or more importantly feels about me. Sometimes I think I get a glimpse. But then, nothing. I know she cares about me a lot. But then she's told me that much numerous times. But is it caring for me as a partner? A friend? (She is my friend, in fact my best friend. I hope she considers me a friend too) Or is it something more?"
Amanda wanted to give this incident some thought, but was afraid to do so in front of Lee. "Um...I think I need a little fresh air. I'm going to go take a short walk. Be back soon." Lee perked up. "Wait, I'll go with you." Amanda snapped her focus onto Lee quickly and with some degree of panic evident in her face. "No!....Uh, I'd prefer if you didn't." And with that she picked up her purse and left the office.
Lee, who had stood up when he offered to join her, sat down deeply disappointed and confused. Thoughts started running through his mind, eventually finding a voice.
"Great, Stetson! Great job there. You scared her off. She was obviously spooked by your reading her mind. You should have known better. She doesn't want you in her head, let alone in her heart. Now if you could only get her out of yours."
His frustration with himself caused his hand to yet again run through his hair. "Yeah, right. I think it's a little late for that Scarecrow."
Outside the office, Amanda was having a similar conversation with herself.
"What just happened in there? Lee seemed to know exactly what I was thinking as I was thinking it." She chuckled softly to herself. "Maybe I'm making too big a deal of this. He just knows me well enough and we've worked on enough cases together that he can guess what I'm thinking."
Amanda continued to walk, her heartbeat slowly down from its original panicky pace. "Surely, he has no idea how I feel about him. He doesn't know how my heart beats fast when he looks at me. How difficult it is for me to breath when he stands close to me. Or how I tingle when he accidentally brushes against me." She sighed deeply. "Don't worry, Amanda. Lee doesn't know how much in love with him you are. And it is best that way." Amanda turned around to go back to the office.
With a greater control over her emotions, Amanda strolled back into the Q bureau. Lee was gazing intently out the window. He spun around quickly as he sensed her presence. "Hi! Glad you're back." He took a deep breath as he prepared himself for his question. "Did I say something earlier to upset you?"
Amanda looked down, avoiding his eyes. "Um, no. The paperwork was just getting to me."
"Oh, okay."
"Lee..."
"Amanda..." they both started at once and then stopped when they heard the other start to speak.
Just then, Amanda's phone rang.
"IFF, this is Amanda King," she said as she picked up the phone - grateful for the interruption to an awkward situation.
"Oh my gosh! Dave! How are you? It's so nice to hear from you." Amanda absolutely lit up as she started the conversation. Lee watched anxiously. Who was Dave? Amanda never mentioned a Dave, but she seemed awfully happy to hear from him.
Amanda looked sheepishly at Lee and tried to lower her voice. "No, Dave. I'm not seeing anyone....No, no one special in my life" Lee swallowed hard. "Tonight? Sure, I loved to have dinner with you tonight. ......Yeah, I'll meet you there.....Goodbye 'til then." And with that she hung up the phone and dove back into her paperwork.
Lee had also jumped back into his reports with a vengeance when the conversation had started to wrap up. He was shaken by this turn of events, but desperately didn't want Amanda to know that.
After a few minutes, curiosity got the better of him.
"So,....um....who was that on the phone?"
"Oh, that was Dave. We were close in high school. Mother told him where he could find me. I haven't seen him in years. It will be nice to see him again. We were close in high school." She stopped her rambling as she realized she had already said that.
Lee didn't like the sound of this. "We were close in high school." Close? How close? She said it twice. They must have been real close. Does she want to be 'close' with him again?
"Old boyfriend?" he said before he could take it back.
"Yeah. I guess you could say we were high school sweethearts. But we went to different colleges. He looked me up at college, but by then I was already with Joe," she blurted out.
Lee could feel his stomach start to churn. His heart was pounding furiously in his chest. He couldn't breathe. It felt like he was having a heart attack. He kept hearing "no one special in my life...no one special in my life...no one special in my life" reverberating in his ears. His mind was whirling. Not only did that mean that she didn't consider him to be "special" but it also pointed to the fact that this Dave was interested in Amanda.
He didn't want to know, but then again....He had to know.
"So, I ....I gather you're having dinner tonight" he managed to ask with a fairly even tone.
"Yeah. You know, catch up on old times." Now Amanda was getting nervous. There was something in the way Lee was acting since she got back from her walk. And it had only gotten more confusing since Dave had phoned. Lee wasn't acting like himself. He didn't usually ask all that much about her personal life. Well, not until recently. But right now, he was almost acting jealous. But that didn't make any sense. Lee wasn't interested in her. She wasn't even remotely his type. She wasn't glamorous or exotic. She was a divorced mother of two. No, he couldn't possibly be jealous. It was just wishful thinking on her part.
"Oh, that's...nice." Lee was ready to lose it. He wanted to grab her, kiss her and beg her not to go to dinner with Dave. He didn't want her to ever go out with anyone else - ever again. Just him. Tonight, tomorrow and every night for the rest of their lives. But how was he supposed to do that? He had no idea how she felt about him. He couldn't put himself out there like that. It was just too much of a risk. Suddenly he couldn't be in the office with her anymore.
"Amanda, I think I'm going to call it a day. Have a good time tonight," he said as he walked out the door. "But not too good of a time," he thought as he headed down to the Georgetown foyer.
Later at home, as Amanda got ready for dinner with Dave, she couldn't keep her thoughts from drifting to Lee. "It will be nice to see Dave again, but I would rather be having dinner with Lee. In fact, there is nothing I do that I wouldn't rather be doing with Lee." She silently pulled her cardigan around herself. "But it does no good to pine away for Lee. He doesn't fee that way about me. And he never will. Just get over it and enjoy your evening with Dave." And with that she headed out to meet Dave at the restaurant.
Lee sat on the sofa in his apartment. His head lay heavily in his hands, as he looked at the now half empty bottle of cabernet sitting on his coffee table. He had been using the bottle as a refuge from something he only recently allowed himself to consciously ponder. How on earth was he going to admit to Amanda the feelings he had only recently begun to appreciate on his own? Perhaps it didn't really matter anyway. Lee knew he wasn't the sort of man that Amanda ever saw herself with. She wanted a steady home life. Like he never had. She wanted a long-term commitment. The kind he never had given anyone or anything other than the Agency. The kind of things he had never wanted. At least that's what he used to believe. A self-deprecating laugh slid out of his mouth. "It's amazing. When you don't think you have a right to something and you can never have it, you can convince yourself that you don't even want it." The problem was....he did want it. And what's more, he wanted it with Amanda.
Lee roughly pulled his hands through his hair and back around his head. Covering his eyes with his hands, he leaned back into the cushions on the sofa. His face to the ceiling he breathed sharply.
He was still amazed at just how much Amanda meant to him. That she was always there for him. Amanda always stood up for him. Was always there when he needed her, even if he didn't know that he needed her. Was it just out of friendship? Or was there more to it? He knew that she had a crush on him in the beginning. But it seemed a bit like hero worship. Over time, they had become friends. With that, the look had changed to that of caring. The kind of look that only comes with knowledge of a person. But was she romantically interested in him? Lee knew that she wouldn't be interested in being one of his "women". But then he wasn't interested in that either. The fact was, he didn't really have his "women" anymore. He had pretty much given them their walking papers. With only a minor protest for them. None of them cared for him. They were only interested in the time they spent in bed. And for Lee, that had been enough for him for quite a few years. But knowing Amanda had changed all of that. He started to appreciate the warmth of someone who actually cared for him, not just being interested in physical passion. This was emotional. Something Lee was sure he had never wanted. Never needed. He now knew just how wrong he had been. Maybe he was just maturing. But this new maturity was causing him great pain. The same pain he was trying to kill with the cabernet. He may have been emptier before Amanda, but that emptiness hadn't brought him pain. Even the loss of Dorothy and Eva hadn't brought him this kind of sorrow. And he didn't know what to do about it. What he should do about it.
Lee thought back over the past few months. During the case with Chamberlain, he had scaled Amanda's trellis in the middle of the night to talk with her about the case. Granted, it was a flimsy excuse, but he was deathly worried about her. But he had almost forgot all about that when he climbed into her room. He was fine for a while. He had told her about his concerns for her, the possible danger to her if she continued on the case. Even though he could tell she was very uncomfortable with having him in her room, she had managed to put forth a compelling argument for why she should keep her breakfast meeting with Alan. He had reluctantly agreed and they shook on it. That had been the mistake. The physical contact. As their hands touched, it had hit Lee full force where he was. It was the middle of the night. He was sitting on her bed, with Amanda under the covers. She had on a modest nightgown. Her mahogany hair was softly brushed and a little dishelved from sleep. Her smooth face was devoid of makeup. All of this showed off her natural beauty. And her elegant hand was in his. Suddenly his entire body was aware of her. There was an electrical charge building between his and Amanda's hands. They locked eyes and both became very nervous. Lee had slowly removed his hand, but not without letting his fingers lingeringly slide over hers. He had looked around in a desperate attempt to compose himself. Out of the corner of his eye, he had seen Amanda pull her nightgown around herself protectively. Huskily he had told her he should go. At that moment, Lee had hoped that Amanda hadn't heard the huskiness of his voice. Or if she had, that she didn't understand what it meant. He, however, did know. It was the sound of passion being repressed. The moment their hands had met, Lee had suddenly realized how much she meant to him. How much he wanted her in his life. How much he wanted to touch her, hold her....kiss her. It had taken nearly all of his self-control to pull back and leave that bedroom. But that late night meeting had been his traumatic. He had fought his need for Amanda with great force, and his agency training served him well. He had started dating Leslie in an effort to put his feelings for Amanda out of his heart. With effort he managed to remove the feelings and memories from his conscious mind. The way he had been trained to control his thoughts and feelings in the event of being held hostage. Of course, the feelings didn't stay repressed for long.
When they spent the night in the swamp on the Sacker case, Lee had to finally admit that there was no way he was going to remove Amanda from his deepest thoughts and feelings. She was far too entwined there. Lee had taken the opportunity after that to take a short assignment in England without Amanda at his side. It was a simple case, but he needed the time apart to try and figure out what was going on. He was just starting to notice his ability to read Amanda's thoughts and reactions. It disturbed him. And when he threw in his surging emotions, it was almost inhibiting his ability to function as an agent or a person. One night in Bradford, he stumbled across a local music group performing at a pub. Their name intrigued him - Egomania -, so he stayed to listen a while. He usually wasn't much for "modern music" but this group was different. He named their style of music as symphonic folk. One song really touched him. The lyrics, as with all of their other songs, were very poetic.
Out of the blue you walked right in
Looks like I'm falling down again
Just like a King in times of old
I feel a danger to my soul
Out of the blue I see us leave
In a drunken haze, in the summer breeze
And if I could catch that Scorpio sky
Could I live with nothing left to hide?
One stolen night
Of sweet delight
With you
And only you
Now nobody else
Nobody else will do
We go in and out of happiness
We pay the price and nothing less
We go in and out of happiness
We pay the price and nothing less
But it's a price worth paying again
One stolen night
Of sweet delight
With you
And only you
Now nobody else
Nobody else will do
It seemed to speak to Lee's heart. He knew it to be true. "Nobody else will do. Nobody but you Amanda, now and forever," Lee sighed to himself as he poured himself another glass of the red elixir - hoping it would do something to dull his pain.
Lee had made his decision. It was Amanda. Always had been, and always would be. The problem was Lee didn't have the nerve to tell Amanda any of this. And now she was out with Dave, while he sat toasting his sorrow in his lonely apartment.
Lee berated himself. Remembering how he used to think of Amanda. In the beginning, Lee couldn't understand what other men saw in Amanda. As time passed he realized that he understood. There was something about her. The way her eyes could never lie, never hide her feelings. There was such life in her eyes - those magnificent pools of light. The first time he really looked into her eyes, he knew that "eyes are the windows to the soul" was more than some poetic line to be used in a nightclub. Lee saw more looking into Amanda's eyes than he had ever seen looking through his own. That's why he had been so careful not to lock eyes with Amanda anymore. He just wasn't ready for that kind of vision. But despite his best efforts, it happened time and again. Each time it became harder and harder to break his eyes away from hers.
But it wasn't just Amanda's eyes. Lee wanted to protect her. He found that most men did. She brought out the chivalrous feelings in men - including Lee. Knight in shining armor charging to rescue the damsel in distress. But Lee knew something that the rest of the men didn't. Amanda wasn't just some damsel. She was also brave and courageous in her own right. Lee had seen her numerous times put herself in the path of danger for the good of the country, and for Lee's own good. She always seemed to be there when he needed her the most. No one else in his life had ever been there the way she was. Even all the way back to the first case she was involved in. He was in a no way out situation at Mrs. Welch's. He was sure that this was it. They had already gotten several agents and Lee knew he was next. That is until Amanda showed up. She saved him. As she would on many other occasions. And not only did she save him from the enemy. She also seemed to be saving him from himself. From his self-induced emotional solitude. Amanda never seemed to give up on him. Whether it was when he was pretending to have become an arms dealer or a burnt out agent. Others at the Agency had turned their backs on him. Ready to believe the worst at the drop of a hat. Not Amanda. She risked her life to prove how much she believed in him.
"What am I going to do?" he groaned. "I can't go on like this forever. I want her to be with me. So I have to say something. I can't expect her to just know my feelings. Especially not when I work so hard to keep them hidden."
Lee unsteadily rose from the sofa and started to pace his apartment. With great effort he put his greatest fears into words, hoping that would soften their impact. "But let's face it. I am terrified. What if she rejects me? What if my admission puts a strain on our friendship? I don't think I could handle it if even the slightest bit of the connection I feel with Amanda is damaged by my love for her. Of all the thoughts I can read, why can't I tell her feelings for me?"
He leaned against the window frame and gazed out into the night. "I can't lose her."
"You're right, you know," he said in response to the thoughts he knew she was having.
"Huh?.....About what?" Amanda stumbled out of her thoughts to realize Lee was all but staring at her.
"You're right. We should probably keep an eye on Roberts, even though the case is officially closed."
"Great," she thought. "I must have been mumbling my thoughts." She decided to explain her thoughts, unaware that it wasn't necessary. "I was just thinking that it hadn't taken much for the Russians to turn him. And it didn't take much for us to turn him back. Roberts is a revolving door. Turning for whoever pushes him. I doubt the Russians will just leave him be.....And sorry for mumbling about it."
Lee smirked, which confused Amanda.
"As I said, I agree. We'll keep him under surveillance.....and you didn't mumble. In fact, you didn't say anything," Lee continued and then looked away, realizing he'd let his "secret" out.
Amanda's dark eyes widened. "Then how did you...?" and let the thought trail off. Recently she had noticed that Lee often seemed to have an eerie way of knowing what was going on in her mind. It had made them better, more effective partners. She closed her eyes, trying not to wince. "I hope he can't read every thought I have," she thought painfully. "If he knows what goes through my mind whenever I look at him....whenever he smiles, or laughs....or when he looks at me like he is right now....Stop it! If he can tell what I'm thinking, now is not the time to have these thoughts."
They both looked at each other deeply and then quickly broke away to return to their reports. Neither one ready to delve into that conversation any further.
"Whoa, that was close," Lee thought as he reopened his folder and tried to refocus his attention to the matter at hand. "I let it slip that I feel without thinking what she is thinking." He shook his head and then ran his hand through his hair as he leaned back in his chair. "Too bad I can't tell what she thinks, or more importantly feels about me. Sometimes I think I get a glimpse. But then, nothing. I know she cares about me a lot. But then she's told me that much numerous times. But is it caring for me as a partner? A friend? (She is my friend, in fact my best friend. I hope she considers me a friend too) Or is it something more?"
Amanda wanted to give this incident some thought, but was afraid to do so in front of Lee. "Um...I think I need a little fresh air. I'm going to go take a short walk. Be back soon." Lee perked up. "Wait, I'll go with you." Amanda snapped her focus onto Lee quickly and with some degree of panic evident in her face. "No!....Uh, I'd prefer if you didn't." And with that she picked up her purse and left the office.
Lee, who had stood up when he offered to join her, sat down deeply disappointed and confused. Thoughts started running through his mind, eventually finding a voice.
"Great, Stetson! Great job there. You scared her off. She was obviously spooked by your reading her mind. You should have known better. She doesn't want you in her head, let alone in her heart. Now if you could only get her out of yours."
His frustration with himself caused his hand to yet again run through his hair. "Yeah, right. I think it's a little late for that Scarecrow."
Outside the office, Amanda was having a similar conversation with herself.
"What just happened in there? Lee seemed to know exactly what I was thinking as I was thinking it." She chuckled softly to herself. "Maybe I'm making too big a deal of this. He just knows me well enough and we've worked on enough cases together that he can guess what I'm thinking."
Amanda continued to walk, her heartbeat slowly down from its original panicky pace. "Surely, he has no idea how I feel about him. He doesn't know how my heart beats fast when he looks at me. How difficult it is for me to breath when he stands close to me. Or how I tingle when he accidentally brushes against me." She sighed deeply. "Don't worry, Amanda. Lee doesn't know how much in love with him you are. And it is best that way." Amanda turned around to go back to the office.
With a greater control over her emotions, Amanda strolled back into the Q bureau. Lee was gazing intently out the window. He spun around quickly as he sensed her presence. "Hi! Glad you're back." He took a deep breath as he prepared himself for his question. "Did I say something earlier to upset you?"
Amanda looked down, avoiding his eyes. "Um, no. The paperwork was just getting to me."
"Oh, okay."
"Lee..."
"Amanda..." they both started at once and then stopped when they heard the other start to speak.
Just then, Amanda's phone rang.
"IFF, this is Amanda King," she said as she picked up the phone - grateful for the interruption to an awkward situation.
"Oh my gosh! Dave! How are you? It's so nice to hear from you." Amanda absolutely lit up as she started the conversation. Lee watched anxiously. Who was Dave? Amanda never mentioned a Dave, but she seemed awfully happy to hear from him.
Amanda looked sheepishly at Lee and tried to lower her voice. "No, Dave. I'm not seeing anyone....No, no one special in my life" Lee swallowed hard. "Tonight? Sure, I loved to have dinner with you tonight. ......Yeah, I'll meet you there.....Goodbye 'til then." And with that she hung up the phone and dove back into her paperwork.
Lee had also jumped back into his reports with a vengeance when the conversation had started to wrap up. He was shaken by this turn of events, but desperately didn't want Amanda to know that.
After a few minutes, curiosity got the better of him.
"So,....um....who was that on the phone?"
"Oh, that was Dave. We were close in high school. Mother told him where he could find me. I haven't seen him in years. It will be nice to see him again. We were close in high school." She stopped her rambling as she realized she had already said that.
Lee didn't like the sound of this. "We were close in high school." Close? How close? She said it twice. They must have been real close. Does she want to be 'close' with him again?
"Old boyfriend?" he said before he could take it back.
"Yeah. I guess you could say we were high school sweethearts. But we went to different colleges. He looked me up at college, but by then I was already with Joe," she blurted out.
Lee could feel his stomach start to churn. His heart was pounding furiously in his chest. He couldn't breathe. It felt like he was having a heart attack. He kept hearing "no one special in my life...no one special in my life...no one special in my life" reverberating in his ears. His mind was whirling. Not only did that mean that she didn't consider him to be "special" but it also pointed to the fact that this Dave was interested in Amanda.
He didn't want to know, but then again....He had to know.
"So, I ....I gather you're having dinner tonight" he managed to ask with a fairly even tone.
"Yeah. You know, catch up on old times." Now Amanda was getting nervous. There was something in the way Lee was acting since she got back from her walk. And it had only gotten more confusing since Dave had phoned. Lee wasn't acting like himself. He didn't usually ask all that much about her personal life. Well, not until recently. But right now, he was almost acting jealous. But that didn't make any sense. Lee wasn't interested in her. She wasn't even remotely his type. She wasn't glamorous or exotic. She was a divorced mother of two. No, he couldn't possibly be jealous. It was just wishful thinking on her part.
"Oh, that's...nice." Lee was ready to lose it. He wanted to grab her, kiss her and beg her not to go to dinner with Dave. He didn't want her to ever go out with anyone else - ever again. Just him. Tonight, tomorrow and every night for the rest of their lives. But how was he supposed to do that? He had no idea how she felt about him. He couldn't put himself out there like that. It was just too much of a risk. Suddenly he couldn't be in the office with her anymore.
"Amanda, I think I'm going to call it a day. Have a good time tonight," he said as he walked out the door. "But not too good of a time," he thought as he headed down to the Georgetown foyer.
Later at home, as Amanda got ready for dinner with Dave, she couldn't keep her thoughts from drifting to Lee. "It will be nice to see Dave again, but I would rather be having dinner with Lee. In fact, there is nothing I do that I wouldn't rather be doing with Lee." She silently pulled her cardigan around herself. "But it does no good to pine away for Lee. He doesn't fee that way about me. And he never will. Just get over it and enjoy your evening with Dave." And with that she headed out to meet Dave at the restaurant.
Lee sat on the sofa in his apartment. His head lay heavily in his hands, as he looked at the now half empty bottle of cabernet sitting on his coffee table. He had been using the bottle as a refuge from something he only recently allowed himself to consciously ponder. How on earth was he going to admit to Amanda the feelings he had only recently begun to appreciate on his own? Perhaps it didn't really matter anyway. Lee knew he wasn't the sort of man that Amanda ever saw herself with. She wanted a steady home life. Like he never had. She wanted a long-term commitment. The kind he never had given anyone or anything other than the Agency. The kind of things he had never wanted. At least that's what he used to believe. A self-deprecating laugh slid out of his mouth. "It's amazing. When you don't think you have a right to something and you can never have it, you can convince yourself that you don't even want it." The problem was....he did want it. And what's more, he wanted it with Amanda.
Lee roughly pulled his hands through his hair and back around his head. Covering his eyes with his hands, he leaned back into the cushions on the sofa. His face to the ceiling he breathed sharply.
He was still amazed at just how much Amanda meant to him. That she was always there for him. Amanda always stood up for him. Was always there when he needed her, even if he didn't know that he needed her. Was it just out of friendship? Or was there more to it? He knew that she had a crush on him in the beginning. But it seemed a bit like hero worship. Over time, they had become friends. With that, the look had changed to that of caring. The kind of look that only comes with knowledge of a person. But was she romantically interested in him? Lee knew that she wouldn't be interested in being one of his "women". But then he wasn't interested in that either. The fact was, he didn't really have his "women" anymore. He had pretty much given them their walking papers. With only a minor protest for them. None of them cared for him. They were only interested in the time they spent in bed. And for Lee, that had been enough for him for quite a few years. But knowing Amanda had changed all of that. He started to appreciate the warmth of someone who actually cared for him, not just being interested in physical passion. This was emotional. Something Lee was sure he had never wanted. Never needed. He now knew just how wrong he had been. Maybe he was just maturing. But this new maturity was causing him great pain. The same pain he was trying to kill with the cabernet. He may have been emptier before Amanda, but that emptiness hadn't brought him pain. Even the loss of Dorothy and Eva hadn't brought him this kind of sorrow. And he didn't know what to do about it. What he should do about it.
Lee thought back over the past few months. During the case with Chamberlain, he had scaled Amanda's trellis in the middle of the night to talk with her about the case. Granted, it was a flimsy excuse, but he was deathly worried about her. But he had almost forgot all about that when he climbed into her room. He was fine for a while. He had told her about his concerns for her, the possible danger to her if she continued on the case. Even though he could tell she was very uncomfortable with having him in her room, she had managed to put forth a compelling argument for why she should keep her breakfast meeting with Alan. He had reluctantly agreed and they shook on it. That had been the mistake. The physical contact. As their hands touched, it had hit Lee full force where he was. It was the middle of the night. He was sitting on her bed, with Amanda under the covers. She had on a modest nightgown. Her mahogany hair was softly brushed and a little dishelved from sleep. Her smooth face was devoid of makeup. All of this showed off her natural beauty. And her elegant hand was in his. Suddenly his entire body was aware of her. There was an electrical charge building between his and Amanda's hands. They locked eyes and both became very nervous. Lee had slowly removed his hand, but not without letting his fingers lingeringly slide over hers. He had looked around in a desperate attempt to compose himself. Out of the corner of his eye, he had seen Amanda pull her nightgown around herself protectively. Huskily he had told her he should go. At that moment, Lee had hoped that Amanda hadn't heard the huskiness of his voice. Or if she had, that she didn't understand what it meant. He, however, did know. It was the sound of passion being repressed. The moment their hands had met, Lee had suddenly realized how much she meant to him. How much he wanted her in his life. How much he wanted to touch her, hold her....kiss her. It had taken nearly all of his self-control to pull back and leave that bedroom. But that late night meeting had been his traumatic. He had fought his need for Amanda with great force, and his agency training served him well. He had started dating Leslie in an effort to put his feelings for Amanda out of his heart. With effort he managed to remove the feelings and memories from his conscious mind. The way he had been trained to control his thoughts and feelings in the event of being held hostage. Of course, the feelings didn't stay repressed for long.
When they spent the night in the swamp on the Sacker case, Lee had to finally admit that there was no way he was going to remove Amanda from his deepest thoughts and feelings. She was far too entwined there. Lee had taken the opportunity after that to take a short assignment in England without Amanda at his side. It was a simple case, but he needed the time apart to try and figure out what was going on. He was just starting to notice his ability to read Amanda's thoughts and reactions. It disturbed him. And when he threw in his surging emotions, it was almost inhibiting his ability to function as an agent or a person. One night in Bradford, he stumbled across a local music group performing at a pub. Their name intrigued him - Egomania -, so he stayed to listen a while. He usually wasn't much for "modern music" but this group was different. He named their style of music as symphonic folk. One song really touched him. The lyrics, as with all of their other songs, were very poetic.
Out of the blue you walked right in
Looks like I'm falling down again
Just like a King in times of old
I feel a danger to my soul
Out of the blue I see us leave
In a drunken haze, in the summer breeze
And if I could catch that Scorpio sky
Could I live with nothing left to hide?
One stolen night
Of sweet delight
With you
And only you
Now nobody else
Nobody else will do
We go in and out of happiness
We pay the price and nothing less
We go in and out of happiness
We pay the price and nothing less
But it's a price worth paying again
One stolen night
Of sweet delight
With you
And only you
Now nobody else
Nobody else will do
It seemed to speak to Lee's heart. He knew it to be true. "Nobody else will do. Nobody but you Amanda, now and forever," Lee sighed to himself as he poured himself another glass of the red elixir - hoping it would do something to dull his pain.
Lee had made his decision. It was Amanda. Always had been, and always would be. The problem was Lee didn't have the nerve to tell Amanda any of this. And now she was out with Dave, while he sat toasting his sorrow in his lonely apartment.
Lee berated himself. Remembering how he used to think of Amanda. In the beginning, Lee couldn't understand what other men saw in Amanda. As time passed he realized that he understood. There was something about her. The way her eyes could never lie, never hide her feelings. There was such life in her eyes - those magnificent pools of light. The first time he really looked into her eyes, he knew that "eyes are the windows to the soul" was more than some poetic line to be used in a nightclub. Lee saw more looking into Amanda's eyes than he had ever seen looking through his own. That's why he had been so careful not to lock eyes with Amanda anymore. He just wasn't ready for that kind of vision. But despite his best efforts, it happened time and again. Each time it became harder and harder to break his eyes away from hers.
But it wasn't just Amanda's eyes. Lee wanted to protect her. He found that most men did. She brought out the chivalrous feelings in men - including Lee. Knight in shining armor charging to rescue the damsel in distress. But Lee knew something that the rest of the men didn't. Amanda wasn't just some damsel. She was also brave and courageous in her own right. Lee had seen her numerous times put herself in the path of danger for the good of the country, and for Lee's own good. She always seemed to be there when he needed her the most. No one else in his life had ever been there the way she was. Even all the way back to the first case she was involved in. He was in a no way out situation at Mrs. Welch's. He was sure that this was it. They had already gotten several agents and Lee knew he was next. That is until Amanda showed up. She saved him. As she would on many other occasions. And not only did she save him from the enemy. She also seemed to be saving him from himself. From his self-induced emotional solitude. Amanda never seemed to give up on him. Whether it was when he was pretending to have become an arms dealer or a burnt out agent. Others at the Agency had turned their backs on him. Ready to believe the worst at the drop of a hat. Not Amanda. She risked her life to prove how much she believed in him.
"What am I going to do?" he groaned. "I can't go on like this forever. I want her to be with me. So I have to say something. I can't expect her to just know my feelings. Especially not when I work so hard to keep them hidden."
Lee unsteadily rose from the sofa and started to pace his apartment. With great effort he put his greatest fears into words, hoping that would soften their impact. "But let's face it. I am terrified. What if she rejects me? What if my admission puts a strain on our friendship? I don't think I could handle it if even the slightest bit of the connection I feel with Amanda is damaged by my love for her. Of all the thoughts I can read, why can't I tell her feelings for me?"
He leaned against the window frame and gazed out into the night. "I can't lose her."