A/N: Another one! It's a veritable holiday marathon! Enjoy!
I'm Grunkle Stan, and this is my guide to celebrating Christmas!
1. Buy presents for your children from the Mystery Shack. I recommend getting snow globes and copies of the world's biggest paper clip chain for your normal-type kids! Ya know, those pre-teen sorts! For the babies, I also recommend the world's biggest paper chain. If you need to distract them, just dangle it in front of their faces like a set of keys. They even come slathered in honey and butter, just in case the baby starts to chew on them! But, my lawyers have advised me to sell an alternate toy. In that case, buy the Grunkle Stan Bobblehead Dude ©! When you shake it, it says charming things like, "Buy my stuff!", "No, please- Not taxes!", and "The Mystery Shack Will Save You From The Apocalypse!" Finally, for those finicky teenagers, I got my employee Wendy to help, because I don't know jack squat about what you like nowadays. Teddy bears? Cardboard boxes? Making sushi? Anyway, here's her thoughts.
So, yeah, if you want to buy your teen, things and stuff, I recommend a new car, clothes, and anti-hypnotism sunglasses. I'm gonna go now.
2. Decorations, decorations, DECORATIONS! I make the best decorations in town with my own two hands! Sure, I'm usually bleeding and crying by the end of it, but you can't say they're not quality. Legally. I had that name trademarked. You have to call them quality products. I have high chairs with only three rusty nails, tables with two legs stacked on top of each other, and a muskrat ice sculpture. Come quick, because that's going to go quickly. I'm a mean ice artist.
3. Food! Expert chef Soos knows all about cooking, and he knows just what to make. Plain chicken pie, mashed potatoes pie, sweet potato pie, roast beef pie, ham pie, salad pie, pizza pie, deer pie, some kind of pie with a red hat and beard, Christmas cookie pie, pie pie ("Made with real pie!"), eggplant pie, hors d'oeuvre pie, and lima bean supreme- all slathered with chocolate sauce and ground up cucumber! Yeah, Soos pretty much only knows how to make desserts, but we roll with it.
4. SANTA! Enjoy lying to your kids about Santa's existence? I don't! I was lied to about Santa...and I never learned the truth until I was twenty-eight years old. Life ain't all cherries and gumdrop unicorns, kids. One day, you have to have the truth brutally shoved into your eye sockets...The ugly, ugly truth of your parents wearing a Santa suit and lying about being Santa….The other people at your job teasing you, because you left college and you still believe in Santa...That your whole job aspirations of becoming the new Santa wasn't possible…Life is meaningless when you've been betrayed, and you want to go stab a mall Santa for keeping up with the ruse. That's all for this guide. I need to go cry.
A/N: Well…that got extremely dark quickly. Guess that's what happens when you improvise.