Summary: In which Elliot tries to clear up a misunderstanding with Olivia. E/O.
Disclaimer: Due to circumstances beyond my control, Elliot and Olivia aren't mine. They belong to a lucky man named Dick Wolf.
Much to Olivia's relief, the crib was empty. It was ten past eight in the evening and she didn't want to go home. She didn't even want to sleep but she knew that she should at least try. Her eyes hurt from holding them open and her body was weak from being supported by caffeine and nothing else for nearly 24 hours. She fell onto the first bed in the room and shut her eyes. A stinging sensation behind her eyelids greeted this movement and droplets of tears formed in the corners of each eye. She wanted to open her eyes but she couldn't. They felt as if they had been laced shut.
Footsteps from below gradually became louder as someone travelled the stairs up to the crib. The door that Olivia had left half open behind her was opened fully. Even with her eyes shut tight, Olivia knew that Elliot was standing in the doorway.
"What do you want?" she murmured. It was an effort to even say that much. Her throat was starting to ache now. She needed a drink of water. There was too much caffeine being pumped through her veins.
"You okay?" came Elliot's reply. His footsteps sounded again, until they stopped. He was standing beside her. Olivia could feel his breath on her face. She struggled to open her eyes, but the stinging sensation won the battle and her eyes remained firmly shut.
"I'm fine."
"Yeah? That was the first time I'd heard you speak in nearly three hours. And now you're lying here with your eyes shut?"
"I'm fine."
"Don't give me that crap, Olivia. I'm your partner; remember? I know you."
"Like I know you," came her mumbled reply. Her words caught in her throat and the tears behind her eyelids fought to get out. One managed to escape. Olivia felt it trickle down the side of her face. She moved her hand to wipe it away but Elliot's hand was there first. A gentle finger movement across the side of her cheek wiped away the lone tear.
Both fell silent. Elliot's breathing became soothing and for a moment Olivia thought that she would fall asleep. But then Elliot spoke again, interrupting her chances of rest.
"Open your eyes." His voice was soft yet commanding. Olivia kept her eyes shut, if only for the pleasure of showing him that he didn't control her. When Elliot saw that his partner wasn't going to obey him, he added a plea to the end of his words. "Please, Olivia."
Forcing back a sigh, Olivia's eyes flickered open. She stared blankly up at the ceiling; her eyes glazed with unshed tears. Elliot touched her arm gently, his way of asking her permission to sit by her. When she made no move, he lifted her arm across her chest and perched on the side of the bed. Olivia flinched at his body so close to hers. She wanted this. She had wanted this for so long. But now she didn't want him near her. She didn't want to talk to him about it. She wanted to be alone in her pain, yet somehow she couldn't bring herself to tell him that. So she lay there in silence, her eyes fixed on the ceiling, trying to ignore the feeling of his lower back against her torso.
Elliot began to speak. "Is this about –" He broke off. Olivia's eyes flickered towards him and she saw that he was looking towards the door. He wanted to get out of there. He hated this almost as much as she did. He was just trying to be brave and show that he was a man. And for that she hated him even more.
"Yes." Her tone was cold and empty. Elliot nearly jumped at the sound of her voice. He had heard Olivia angry many times. He had heard her on the verge of tears, on the verge of yelling, on the verge of laughter. He had heard her when she was smiling and when she was frowning. They had had so many conversations that he'd heard her voice under so many circumstances. But he'd never heard her voice so cold and so empty of all emotion before. It almost frightened him.
"Olivia, I didn't do it to hurt you."
"Of course not. Why would you do that?"
Elliot was speechless. He could handle Olivia's frustration over a case; frustration over a more personal matter was another thing. It was completely alien to him. He didn't know what he could say that wouldn't hurt her even more than she was already hurting. He wanted to be able to take away the pain. The pain that he had unknowingly inflicted upon her when he had spent the night with Casey.
"Olivia, if you're going to be like that – " He let the words hang in midair, not sure where he would have gone with them had he continued but knowing that those words would be enough to provoke a response from his partner. He was right.
Her eyes flickered shut for a moment. When they re-opened, they were flashing brown mixed with the red of anger. She sat up straight and got off the bed on the opposite side, moving as far away from Elliot as she could. The back of her knee connected with the next bed and she moved away from it, towards the wall, keeping her eyes fixed on Elliot. He stared back at her, wondering what her next words would be.
"If I'm going to be like what?" Olivia's voice was low and sharp. Her eyes narrowed towards him when he cleared his throat. Was Elliot Stabler nervous? Of her?
"Don't do this Olivia," Elliot pleaded. "Why are you so upset? It's not as if I cheated on you."
Olivia's eyes sprang open in disbelief. "Isn't it?" she demanded, her voice wavering towards shouting, "Because that's funny. It feels a lot like it to me."
Elliot got up but made no move towards Olivia. She was mad. Well, two could play at that game.
"You're jealous."
Olivia snorted her disbelief. "I'm jealous? Of our ADA? Oh come off it Elliot, I thought you said you knew me."
He stepped towards her, levelling his gaze with hers.
"I do," he replied coolly, "So are you going to tell me what's got you so upset?"
"I'm upset" – the word rang out like a knelling bell – "Because you thought it was okay to go to Novak with all of your anger and your hurt and your upset and whatever other emotions you've got going on in there," she gestured towards him with her right hand, "And tell her all of your problems. After all those times that I offered to listen to you, to try and help you? And you go to her?"
Elliot's jaw set firmly. "Yeah, I did," he snapped.
Olivia waited for him to say more but he didn't. He just stared at her, his blue eyes filled with some kind of clouded emotion that Olivia couldn't decipher. She jerked her head upwards and with the words, "Screw you, Stabler," marched towards the door of the crib.
She had placed one foot out of the doorway when Elliot grabbed her by the arm. His grip tightened as Olivia tried to pull away.
"Get off me," she hissed, wrestling at his fingers with her free hand.
Elliot pulled her towards him, shutting the door behind them. He loosened his grip and Olivia pulled away. She gazed up at him with confused eyes. He stared back at her with a hurt expression. Their faces were barely inches apart. Elliot's eyes lingered on Olivia's lips for a few seconds. A sharp tingle shot down Olivia's spine as she took a step backwards.
"What do you want?" she demanded for the second time.
"For you to know that I went to Casey because I can't talk to someone about what's bothering me when part of what is bothering me is them. I went to Casey because she's a good listener and that's all I wanted right then. I went to her because I like and trust her. I didn't go to her because I wanted to hurt you."
Elliot's voice was rich with frustration, but his tone was warm and firm. Each word radiated truth and Olivia felt it. She tore her eyes away from his and moved back towards the bed. With a heavy sigh, she sat down.
"I'm bothering you?" she said after a few moments, in a voice so quiet that Elliot wondered if she'd even spoken at all. When she turned her head towards him, questioningly, he knew that she had.
"Yes. You are." He sat down next to her on the bed, keeping an acceptable distance between the two of them. "I don't know what to say to you any more, Olivia. I blocked you out and I just – I didn't know how to let you back in. I wanted Casey's advice."
"So what did she say?" Olivia asked calmly.
"She told me to talk to you."
Olivia laughed bitterly. "Is that all? Well, you're here aren't you? You're talking to me. Is it going as well as she assured you that it would?"
Elliot winced at Olivia's bitterness. "She didn't assure me anything. It was just her suggestion." He paused. "Olivia, spending the night with someone doesn't mean that they had sex."
A bubble formed in Olivia's stomach. Her breath caught in her throat as she tried to convince herself that she was misinterpreting her partner's words. She badly wanted to look at him so she could read his expression but something stopped her. Instead she remained staring at the floor in front of her.
Elliot continued after glancing at Olivia and registering no reaction to his words. "We went out for a drink. I talked; she listened. The more I drank, the more I talked. I loosened up, I suppose. I spilled my heart out to her. I must have been pretty drunk because she called a cab and took me back to her place with her, since she didn't know where I lived. I slept on her couch, Olivia. She was in her bed. I was on her couch."
This time, Olivia turned to look at Elliot. "But what she said back there – "
"About sex being better when you're drunk?" Elliot grinned wryly. "She was being sarcastic."
Olivia nodded, letting Elliot's words sink in. For some reason, she found herself with a tear trickling down her cheek. Elliot noticed and wiped it away with his finger, as he had done not so long ago. This time, though, he trailed his finger slowly down her cheek, cupping her chin in his hand. He gazed into her eyes, shining with tears that she wouldn't let fall and that enhanced the liquid appearance of her eyes. She gazed back into his blue eyes that shone with honesty and pleaded with her for forgiveness. Her gaze travelled to his mouth and he slowly leant towards her. Olivia bit her lip and placed her finger on his lips, holding him back.
"So she was in her bed?" she whispered, "With you on her couch?"
Elliot murmured his agreement into her finger.
"And you didn't come to me because you didn't know how to talk to me any more?"
Elliot smiled slowly at his partner. He grasped her wrist gently and lowered her hand from his lips. "Because I didn't know how to talk to you after realising that I – " He hesitated.
Olivia took her hand in his. "That you what?" she whispered.
"That I let Kathy leave me because I'm in love with you."
Olivia didn't flinch at his words. All she did was blink. A look of sheer astonishment crossed her features and Elliot couldn't help but smile. He moved a piece of her fringe from her forehead and leant towards her again. Again Olivia held him back.
"For how long?" she asked, her voice barely more than a whisper.
"I don't know," Elliot admitted, "But I think I realised it long before I admitted it to myself."
Olivia shook her head, astonishment still on her face. "Elliot, I don't know what to say," she admitted.
He smirked kindly and leant towards her for the third time. "Then don't say anything."
This time, she didn't hold him back.