Pictures of you (Remind us all of what we used to be)
But I'm scared to death
That there may not be another one like this
And I confess that I'm only holding on by a thin, thin thread
Maroon 5 - Sad
He was trying to persuade himself with all the power he had that everything was alright. But the harder he tried the less successful he was.
Nothing was alright.
It was almost 4 am and Adam realized that he spent all night looking through all social media services profiles of Sauli that he knew of. He was looking at photo after photo, status after status; he was reading every comment that he wrote himself. He was reading them over and over again. And even more tears were streaming down his burning cheeks.
September was one of the most stunning months in California, but Adam simply couldn't enjoy it. He would rather be in rain-scented Finland where Sauli worked at his newest project. He'd be so close and…
Exactly, and what?
He sighed and clenched his eyes trying to stop another wave of tears forming under his eyelids. However, he couldn't stop tears streaming down his face and truth to be told he wasn't even sure if he wanted this.
He couldn't believe how much he missed him.
He didn't have problem with that on a daily basis – he was occupied enough with writing and recording new album, or even meetings with friends he haven't seen in ages. Yet, lonely nights in enormous bed made him miss Sauli much even more. He missed him so badly it hurt.
It was real, physical pain. It's not like he hadn't had his heart broken before, but it was something entirely different. Something so unreal, but still so powerful that it made him lose himself in it. Over and over again. This breakup hurt much more than any other end of some of his relationships. You are aware that it was something that should be done, the right thing to do, but it doesn't mean that it hurts less. Adam thought that it makes it even worse.
In every photo Sauli was happy and cheerful. But Adam couldn't tell if it was his sincere or forced smile. He didn't know whether Sauli missed him as much as he missed him. They met from time to time, but it wasn't appropriate topic neither at Leila's birthday dinner nor coffee time at Scarlett's. He simply couldn't ask him that because most likely he would burst out crying.
Photo from the bar. He was surrounded by his Finnish friends, holding in hand his favourite drink, smiling wide. He was probably joking with the photographer a few minutes ago, just like he used to do.
Picture with Danielle. Adam smiled at himself seeing how much fun he had with her. He was glad that his friends fell for him the moment he introduced them to each other. They made moving to the other country much easier for him. And now they made the break-up easier too.
Picture from the beach. He was tanned, slim, enjoying hot California sun. Adam felt shivers down his stomach; pictures like that one made him miss his body – athletic, incredibly flexible, perfectly fitted to his own, which now reacted too strongly to the memories of their nights together.
Fighting down every increasing desire he touched the screen to open another picture. He couldn't let himself to give in to the craving again.
He logged into facebook and visited his personal profile. He went to the pictures from last year, from Halloween and holidays at the beach. He saw his own comment under one of their photos and Sauli's answer and following debate which ended abruptly at some point. He remembered that they finished this conversation in bed. Very loud and very unanimously.
The worst for him to look at were photos of Sauli among another men. They weren't together so meeting people was normal and natural, however, in his strange logistic Adam not only couldn't compel himself to date anyone, but he did not want Sauli to go on dates either. He didn't know whether it was the jealousy talk, longing, or something else entirely. And he does wishes Sauli best, but he doesn't want to see him with another man.
He didn't know if he'd survive this, whether his heart would survive this. They couldn't be together now, but he didn't want anyone but him to make Sauli happy.
Possessiveness was longing's inseparable sister.
He opened another folder and nearly at once he regretted his decision right away. All the memories came back and yearning punched him badly making more tears run down his cheeks.
He looked through the pictures from holidays, vacations, parties very quickly until he made it to the pictures that were taken by Lee from hiding, in their own home. He couldn't remember what they were talking about, what they were discussing, what they were laughing at, but the expression on Sauli's face caught his attention; it was pure love, endless and eternal. It was the thing he missed the most. The eyes full of love that made him believe that he is loved with pure, honest and all-embracing love.
Another one showed Adam looking at Sauli with adoration. Looking at softness in his own eyes he was more that sure that it was the first time that he was really in love. He was beaming with happiness.
Sauli was the only one who made him happy.
The last picture - a close-up on his blue eyes and wrinkled with laughter, freckled nose - Adam closed even faster than he opened it. It all hurt too much.
He still loved him even more than anyone could imagine. Was it the reason why everything was so hard?
He wouldn't admit to anyone that he was barely holding together. For now he even couldn't admit it to himself.
He put the mobile down at the nightstand table and got deeper under the bed linen, which still smelled faintly of Sauli's perfumes. It's gonna be alright, he repeated swallowing down tears. It gets better. It has to.