If I Dive Too Deep

summary: The Dominators had fled, the world was safe, and Team Flash had another win under their belt. Then why did it feel like they were still struggling, like Barry still needed saving. In the aftermath of the Invasion, Iris and Cisco each have their own emotional battle to wage in pulling Barry out from the deep end.

genre: Angst, Hurt-Comfort, Friendship, Romance

rated: T

author note: The relationships and dynamics between the characters are what I think makes this show so good. They're complex and rich and so well developed by the writers and actors. I wanted to explore that for few brief moments of the in-between.

If I get to weak you'll hold me close

Iris nursed the cup of tea between her hands, the heat radiating from the cup and warming her hands as she gripped the mug tight. The house was silent, Joe and Wally upstairs sleeping as she was nestled comfortably in the leather armchair that sat beside the fireplace,whose embers were beginning to die out. Dressed in black leggings and one of Barry's flannel shirts, she sipped on the Passionflower tea with one leg folded beneath her, the mug resting upon the knee of her other leg drawn to her chest.

Iris was more of a coffee drinker than a tea, as was her father and Barry, but they had kept passionflower tea well stocked in their house since she was fourteen. Barry had suffered from disturbed sleep ever since he came to live with them when they were eleven. Early on his doctors had diagnosed him as suffering from anxiety and insomnia as a result of the tragedy he experienced with his mother's death and father's prison sentence; they had immediately put him on pills to help.

Barry had hated it; yes, they helped him sleep and eased his anxiety, but every time he took a pill he felt shame. There was nothing shameful about seeking assistance in overcoming that which ails a person, but for Barry, it had never felt like a choice. The doctors and counselors were something he had been forced into. When Barry turned fourteen, Joe gave in and promised him they'd seek other options. They had found a holistic doctor who recommended a few natural alternatives, one being the Passionflower tea. It remarkably had helped ease Barry's anxiety, for the thoughts that swirled his head obsessively at night, and the Wests had kept it ample supply ever since.

As Iris took a sip now, she wasn't sure if it was to calm her own anxiety or because of its connection to Barry's anxieties. She couldn't sleep, or wouldn't until Barry got home. Team Flash, minus Barry and Cisco, had all been at STAR Labs when they received the call from Barry that everything was alright, the world and team were all safe, the Dominators had left. He urged them to rest while he and Cisco wrapped things up and assured he'd see them in the morning. Her father and Wally went home shortly after while she had stayed behind at STAR. She wasn't ready to go back to her apartment and decided to help Caitlin restock the Medbay, the chatter easy and light between them, joking about how that now Iris knew Barry and Oliver were friends and allies, she'd reconsider her 'three' list since she and Barry were dating now. Their nerves were both still high but the girl talk between them was comfortable and calming as they waited for Barry and Cisco to return from their reception with the new President. Iris was slightly disappointed when only Cisco returned.

He had told them that when he had left the hanger, Barry and Oliver were still there. Iris took that in stride, much like she had everything else the last couple of days, including but not limited too the arrival of aliens, Wally's reckless bravery, and the awe of the super team Barry had assembled. It was when Cisco recounted the events of the day, of his time travel and revelation and Barry's intention to save the world by sacrificing himself, that Iris lost her breath and finally found herself overwhelmed.

He told her that the aliens had sent a reconnaissance team and after probing a few of their non-meta teammates minds, they learned what the Metas of Earth were capable of, including Barry's ability to time travel. In doing so, the Dominators sent an army of ships, demanding Barry turn himself in or they would attack. Cisco had told her that Oliver had tried to talk him out of it but Barry wouldn't even consider it, not until the entire team they had formed stood up, insisting they would not let him surrender himself.

After he finished his story Iris had said goodnight to the two scientists, but not before Cisco had pulled her aside to apologize for his behavior towards Barry the last few weeks. Iris was quick to tell him he had nothing to apologize for, that she understood his pain and was happy they were all able to move forward now.

She went to her father's house that night instead of her apartment, needing the feeling of home that the house always provided. It was the house she grew up in, the house she and Barry grew up in. Every nook of that house radiated warmth, like the tea that warmed her palms as she gripped the steaming mug tightly.

She sipped the tea once more as her thoughts consumed her. She thought that she should be mad, mad that Barry hadn't said goodbye before he intended to sacrifice himself. He hadn't called her. He hadn't even called her father, the man Barry turned to for guidance and support more than anyone else in his life. She allowed herself to get lost in the reverie for a moment, knowing that while Barry had told her she was his anchor, she knew her father was his safety net. It made her heart so happy at the relationship the three of them shared, even amongst the awkward transition of the new dynamic with them dating, their bond remained solid. That fact brought her crashing back to the thought that why hadn't Barry called to say goodbye. But is she was to be honest, Iris didn't know he would have said, could have said that would make it all okay. She couldn't blame him for that.

Iris knew she had a right to be mad. She had a right to be upset. But she wasn't. How do you be angry with someone who is willing to give up their life to save others. How do you be upset with someone whose only crime was they cared too much. She was too relieved that it didn't come to that, that Barry didn't sacrifice himself. She knew she wasn't mad because she knew Barry. She knew him better than anyone, knew what was in his heart.

He didn't plan on sacrificing himself because he had to be the hero to satisfy his ego or because thats what he thought it meant to be a hero. He did it because he was a hero. Everything Barry had ever been, ever done, even before he was granted super speed, put him in the direction of helping people.

She knew he didn't want to die, knew he didn't want to sacrifice himself, but if it meant someone else didn't have to, Barry would do it without a thought. He did it because he thought it was the only way. If it had been anyone else the Dominators singled out, Barry would have tried to take their place.

She lifted the mug to take another sip but stopped herself as a new thought swirled obsessively in her head. Because she knew how Barry carried his guilt, because she knew how he carried the weight of the world on his shoulders, the thought that struck Iris and hurt her heart was that Barry honestly thought he deserved what the Dominators were asking of him. Not in a self punishing kind of way, but that his one wrong, his one moment of weakness and desperation to make his pain stop warranted his life. Barry had acted and like any action, it had consequences. And Barry consumed those consequences, placed it all on his own shoulders and was suffering from the weight of the burden. She knew that he truly thought the punishment of self sacrifice fit his crime.

Suddenly the mug felt cold in her hands, the soothing herbs promise to ease her anxiety felt empty. As she placed the cup on the end table, she heard the front door open slowly as Barry quietly entered the West home. She watched him search the house as he closed the door behind him, watched his body language relax slightly when he settled on her figure in the chair. He shrugged off his dark grey sport coat and toed off his sneakers. She watched his movements, noticed how they were slow, hesitant. She could feel as much see his heavy heart as he approached where she sat.

She unfolded her body as she stood from the armchair and met him in the middle of the living room. He stopped about a foot away from her, staring at her face much like he did that night when he confessed his feelings to her around Christmas. 'Had that really been more than two years ago', she mused to her self.

She recognized Barry's special brand of guilt instantly as his hands fidgeted before sliding into the pockets of his dark skinny jeans. He shied away from touching her because even though she knew that's exactly what he wanted to do, he didn't feel like he deserved to.

"I went out with Oliver after the President…I went to your apartment and then STAR Labs looking for you. Cisco said he told you what happened…" Barry was speaking quickly but quietly as his words trailed off, none of his sentences ever finishing fully before another thought took over. "I should have called to let you know that I was going out after…I should have called before I was going to turn myself in…I didn't know what to say."

Iris watched Barry try to formulate the thoughts she knew were going through his mind, watched the swirls of emotions flicker across his face. She moved closer to him, their bodies just inches apart now, as she reached out her hands for his forearms, pulling his hands from his pockets and bringing them to rest on her hips. She slowly moved her arms up his, traveling up the sleeves of his burgundy button up before settling at the sides of his neck. Her palms pressed against the tops of the collar of her boyfriend's shirt, her fingertips making contact with the skin of Barry's exposed collarbone. Iris relished the feel of his warm skin, tracing the lines of his jaw with her thumbs, eyes never wavering from his. She could feel his body sink into her touch as the tension left his body at her presence.

"Iris."

She smiled sadly at the way he said her name, the apology itself left unspoken. She marveled at how the way her name left his lips always expressed everything he ever needed to tell her, always with an underlying sentiment of love.

Barry was one of the strongest people she knew, having survived so much in his relatively short life. But more than his strength she admired his willingness to be vulnerable, to let himself feel, especially in front of her. She knew that she and her father's constant presence in his life after Barry lost everything, that they allowed him to process his experiences in a safe and loving environment had a lot to do with that. But his heart, his light, his driving force to save, was all Barry. When he couldn't it tore him apart. She watched him struggle with it in the past weeks, in watching Caitlin come to terms with her powers, in Wally getting his, in Cisco pulling away, and the guilt of having been a causal factor in their struggle had been eating Barry up.

Iris wanted to nothing but to ease his guilt and despondency. She wanted to tell him she wasn't mad, wasn't upset. She wanted to reassure him that he really didn't have anything to apologize for. Iris wanted to find the words to tell him to forgive himself for the burden he was bearing, that his life was worth so much more than he gave himself credit for.

"I'm glad you're home," was all she said instead as her hands continued to hold his face gently between them. Barry said nothing as he clenched his eyes shut, biting the inside of his cheek, leaning into her touch. Iris watched as the tears squeezed out of the corners before traveling over the contours of his cheeks. She glided her thumb gently over the corner of Barry's lips, catching the tear with the pad of her thumb before Barry's shoulders hunched, folding around her as he pulled her close.

Iris knew Barry hadn't wanted to die. Barry hadn't wanted to make anyone suffer, hadn't wanted to leave her behind. And now the relief of not having to do any of that, that they had won and everyone was safe, Barry surrendered to his mental and emotional exhaustion.

As she wrapped her arms around him, a hand massaging the back of his head as he cried, she allowed herself to cry as well. Barry's cheek pressed against the side of Iris' forehead at her hairline, holding her tightly against him and deep into his arms. Iris could feel his fingers dig gently into her back as Barry clung to her and she relished in the feel of the warmth that radiated from Barry's body. Iris burrowed her face into the crook of his neck and shoulder, cheek pressed to Barry's throat as she felt the anxiety ease from her body as the man she loved held her.

It dawned on her then that she owed every person on that team a debt of gratitude. Not for saving the world, but for saving her world, for keeping Barry from sacrificing his life, their life together. Iris knew she would have to find a way to thank them but as she planted a soft kiss against Barry's collarbone, holding him as close as their bodies would allow, she decided that could wait till tomorrow. Tonight belonged to her and Barry.