One Hell of a Bad Trip
A/N: Well people seemed to like my Mars fic and I have just finished Mark of Athena (! by the way). Once again I find myself waiting on the next book, and so I figured I'd write another one while I waited.
"Hail to the King Baby!"
Annabeth heard the crash of the ceiling falling down around her. Looking up, she spotted the Argo II hovering up above her with a rope dangling down. Most notably for her, dangling at the bottom of that rope was... "Coach Hedge?!"
"I'm here to kick ass and chew bubble gum, and I'm all out of gum!" The satyr yelled before leaping down onto the webs.
"Noooooooo!" Arachne screamed, desperately struggling to escape from the Chinese handcuffs. "You'll never get away with this!"
The Hedge just smiled. "Your ass is grass and I've got the weed wacker!" He then proceeded to stroll over to her wriggling body and boot her into oblivion. His parting words were "Now you see me, now you're dead."
"Coach..." Annabeth said, tears of joy in her eyes. This was officially the first time she had ever been so happy to see him that she had cried, and it was probably going to be the last also.
Percy was next to jump down. "Annabeth!" He roared before running over to her.
"It's about time you showed up Seaweed brain." She quipped before wrapping her arms around him. They stood there for an entire minute lost in the moment before a) her ankle gave out and b) she noticed the horde of spiders all around them. "Erm...Percy..."
Luckily it was covered by the Hedginator and his flame thrower. "It's time to abort your whole freaking species!"
"Coach stop or you'll burn the walls!" Annabeth yelled.
"Blow it out your ass!"
"But they're made of silk! If you keep going you'll burn us all the way to Tartarus!"
Sighing, his Hedgeness ceased fire, but not after he had made sure to burn every spider in existence. "This really pisses me off!"
Percy let out a sigh of both relief and regret. "Why did we let him play that game...wait, why are you on the floor?!"
"Gee Percy I don't know. Maybe its something to do with MY BROKEN ANKLE?!"
"Yeah we need to get her to the ship." Jason said, flying down like a boss. "I mean it would be really stupid to leave someone with a broken bone unattended on a dangerous floor while we dicked about with a statue or something."
"Good point Jason!" Piper called from safely inside the ship. "And there's no real need for me to come down either because our main priority was to save Annabeth which you are handling. Besides, that unstable flooring is an unnecessary risk for more than two people to take. I mean I'd probably just get in the way of rescuing someone otherwise."
Gently cradling Annabeth in his arms, Jason floated back up to the top of the ship and quickly carried her to the medical bay. Percy, on the other hand, eyed the giant statue closely. "So this is the thing that we're gonna use to beat the giants?"
"Now this is a force to be reckoned with!" Coach Nukem agreed, admiring the power radiating from the giant figure. Of course it was only about a hundredth of his true power, but it was impressive by none badass standards.
"Hey Leo! Give us some chains and we'll hook this thing up!" Percy called.
"Yes, I'll send down the conveniently built in chains to help you Percy!" Leo called back and released the chains from the bottom of the ship. The next few minutes were spent securing Athena so that she wouldn't fall off, and at the end of it both the Fucker of Hades and the Son of Poseidon rode it up to the conveniently build in hanger that was just large enough to house it. Thankfully neither had tried to run for the ladder, otherwise, and god forbid this would happen, one of them may have fell in.
"Job well done guys!" Frank smiled and handed out hot chocolate to all of them. "We've not only saved Rome, but we all made it out in one piece."
"Yeah congrats!" Leo agreed. "He he imagine if this had gone differently?"
"Haha indeed! Why one of us may have fallen in the hole..." Hazel chuckled before the ship was suddenly started shaking.
"DID SOMEONE SAY FALL IN?!" A demonic voice boomed and the group felt themselves being dragged literally into hell.
"Oh no!" Hazel said. "In our haste we forgot to move away from the pit! What a stupid mistake! This has never ever happened bef-..."
"HALF MAN, HALF GOAT, ALL BADASS!" Came the roar of their rescuer and they all spun round to find their goatly guardian leaping heroically out of the still open hanger door.
"Coach nooooooo!" Piper screamed but it was too late; he was already sucked in.
Leo collapsed onto the table. "This...the fortune cookie...its all my fault!"
"I'd...give it...two minutes..." Nico groaned, still holding his head and recovering from his time in the peanut jar of death.
Percy frowned. "What do you mean by that...?"
Within seconds his question was answered, and the C Man appeared back in the hanger with half the body of a dragon. Everyone on the deck bar him screamed. He just smiled and proceeded to rip out its brain through its eye sockets. "You'll make a great belt."
"...I think I'm going to be sick!" Frank wretched as the smell hit them.
Everyone bar Nico doubled over retching. He however just moaned and snuggled into his arm, going back to sleep. After the smell finally vanished, along with the shock, Percy was the first to speak. "But coach...how did you...?"
"I'm King of the World baby!" He grinned then went to his cabin to return to his MMA World Championship videos.
"Erm...Nico?" Hazel nudged her half brother awake, much to his dissatisfaction. "Care to explain?"
"Not really." He grumbled but rubbed his eyes and sat up. "Guy is a certified badass. Even Tartarus couldn't tangle with him."
"Guys the ground is sealed up!" Leo shouted and they all looked over out of the hanger. Indeed the hole to Tartarus was sealed up, and the words 'We're sorry, we won't hurt you again, just don't ever send him back' were engraved in rubies across it.
"I'm so done with this day." Nico mumbled then tried to shadow travel through the desk. Sadly he had nowhere near enough energy, and so just ended up banging his head very hard against the metal. "...fucking giant dicks."
"What do we do now then?" Frank asked, still reeling from the shock of the last day.
"Well there's this new swim suit I want to try on..." Percy started and Nico immediately stood up.
"As the messenger of Hades I command a pool party!"
Hazel gave him a sceptical look. "And why would we...?"
"Because of reasons!" He yelled, suddenly filled with energy. "Leo; take us to the nearest pool!"
"Shouldn't we be going to Greece for the Door of Death or..."
"I'VE SPENT A WHOLE WEEK WITHOUT OXYGEN OR FOOD, I FUCKING NEED THIS!"
"Need what?"
"LESS TALKY MORE FLYY!" He roared and that's how they all ended up having a pool party. Where nobody ended up in the underworld. And nothing but fun and happy smiles existed. Ever.
A/N: Well there's this one done. I'm thinking of basically doing a bunch of Coach Nukem fics for various scenes because lets face it; he's awesome. Also yes, every line he said was a Duke Nukem quote. I'm cool like that see :P Anyways read, review and recommend some stuff :)