A/N: So I started watching The 100 a few weeks ago. At first I wasn't particularly bothered by any of the couples, though I suppose I like Finn and Clarke because I could see where it was going.
And then I fell in love with Bellarke.
I LOVE them. I am surprised at how much I want them together. I love how they are not obvious – in fact in my mind there is only one scene in the entire series where you can argue that there is a romance between the two of them: when Bellamy touches her arm when he's teaching Clarke how to shoot. But I love how they are not completely obvious because I feel this is how relationships start – where you begin caring about someone and then realise they mean more to you. I hope they will become MORE obvious as a couple in the next series though.
So I am not sure how I feel about this story. I have had so many ideas for them and have even finished a couple of stories, but for some reason I wanted THIS ONE to be the first one. It seemed better in my head, but I don't know. I hope you like it.
The story is slightly AU in regards to the flashbacks.
DISCLAIMER: I do NOT own The 100 or any of the characters (if I had Bellamy and Clarke would have kissed by the end of the series) or the song, "We Found Love" by Rihanna covered by Sam Tsui
Now We're Standing Side By Side
"Yellow diamonds in the sky
Now we're standing side by side
As your shadow crosses mine
What it takes to come alive...
We found love in a hopeless place."
- "We Found Love", cover by Sam Tsui
[Home – a place where something began and flourished; an environment offering affection and security]
Earth is meant to be her home. So was the Ark. But after what happened to her father, the Ark never felt safe again. And she has never felt safe on Earth, not with the Grounders or the Reapers or the Mountain Men.
She doesn't have a home. The idea makes her so sad, so much so she usually pushes out of her head and focus on other things.
Lately it's harder to keep the dark thoughts away.
The day I see my father die is the day the old Clarke – the one that laughs a lot and goes to bed on time and doesn't question authority – ceases to exist.
It's painful. When I basically admit to the council that I am unwilling to keep this secret, I am locked up. Not with the other kids, but on my own. I don't know whether it makes it harder or easier, but the shedding of the old Clarke into the new Clarke is agonising. Days, time, none of it seems to matter. I wake up and cry, I sob myself to sleep. Sometimes I wake up and find myself crying.
But every time I cry I grow a little bit stronger. My mind hardens, my stubbornness increases. There are some days where I am so mad I want to punch a wall – where I honestly think I could kill. Those days come more and more and the crying dies away. Eventually I find it hard to cry at all. Eventually I just become strong, so strong that I don't care what other people think. I don't give a damn. I won't let anyone hurt me again.
Two months, one week and four days. That's how long it's been. Clarke counts the days, even though it drives her mad. Even though it's stupid. Even though it's like pressing a bruise, bringing the pain to the surface again and again. But she can't help it. She can't stop thinking about that day. She can't stop going over all the decisions she made, thinking of different scenarios, wishing there had been something else she could have done. Wondering if there had been any other option. Questioning whether she had made a mistake.
She blames herself. Of course she does. She now understands Bellamy more, why he called himself a monster. She forgave him, but she doesn't think he forgave himself. She knows that she can't.
She left Bellamy to die. And now he's gone.
And now she has to manage without him.
I am so focussed on Jasper that I don't notice I am walking right into a trap. The ground suddenly disappears and my stomach falls through me as I fall. On instinct my hand flails out, and thank God someone grabs hold. Their grip is firm and I am able to steady myself. When I look up I get the shock of my life – Bellamy Blake has hold of me.
I look at him with no calculation on my face, no pleading or begging – I won't do that. There's a strange expression on his face though. I can see he's trying to decide whether to drop me in. Surely he must have grabbed hold of me on instinct too. He couldn't want me to survive.
It's only a second and Wells, Finn and even Murphy (though rather half-heartedly) come to my aid. When I'm safe I glance at Bellamy to find him looking at me. He holds my gaze for a second and then looks away; I do the same. It's like he's embarrassed. I am too, but that's because I was so stupid and I had to be saved. God knows why he's embarrassed.
He's probably just wishing he had let me die.
She tries not to think. Now that the adults are here, she's technically a kid. Even though that at some point during her time on Mount Weather she turned eighteen, and she's officially an adult now. But who cares about that? Who cares about the fact that she commanded a camp of "delinquents"? Not them, apparently.
Her mother tries to placate her. "We're trying to set up a council here Clarke; things are difficult. I promise you, once things are set up I will make sure you have a seat on the council. Kane promised me."
Clarke tries to smile, but it doesn't quite work. She thought it would be easier when the adults came down. In a way it is: after all, she doesn't have to make the hard decisions either. She doesn't decide who lives and dies.
On the other hand, she doesn't decide who lives and dies. They don't listen to her. Sometimes she wants to pound her fist in the wall, she gets so mad at them. She feels like after all the things she's been through, after all the experience she has, they don't care. She feels useless.
If Bellamy were here, he wouldn't let them. He would demand they give both him and Clarke a place on the council, make sure that they listened to them. He would be a pain in the ass. But at least they would be listening. At least Clarke would feel better. And she's sure the 100 would feel better. A lot of them still respect her, but she hasn't missed the muttering about how their society is still run by the privileged. Bellamy came from the working class, and with him on the council the 100 would at least feel like they had a voice. Bellamy could calm people as well as inspire them. He's a true leader.
He was.
Every day Clarke feels like she is suffocating. Like she is being pushed into a smaller and smaller box. Her mother can't make her feel better. Neither can Finn. Octavia, Raven, Jasper, Monty, Miller – they all try. But all Clarke can feel is emptiness rooted inside her like a poisonous seed, and no matter how much times passes, it keeps growing.
We've been sitting in the darkness for a while now. Dax is still lying in front of us. Before we came to Earth, I would have thought that it would be gross and kinda weird to be sitting next to a dead body. But a lot of things have changed now. I guess I've changed now. I would never have tried to kill anyone.
But we have to survive. Bellamy is right about one thing: we have to do things that we could never imagine to survive.
I glance at Bellamy out the corner of my eye. His eyes are vacant, staring at something that I can't see. When I first met Bellamy I had him down as some stupid man-boy who wanted to have power over these kids. Okay, I did realise that he loved his sister, maybe admired him a bit for that. Or at least respected his bravery. Now I realise Bellamy isn't some stupid boy that hasn't matured. He carries around the guilt over what happened to Octavia, his mother, and now those three hundred people.
He's not carefree; he's racked with guilt.
His hand is on the ground, right next to mine. I don't think about what I'm doing: I move my hand over the top of his, covering it. I feel his shock more than I see it, but I don't meet his gaze. Silence is safer. I am still staring straight ahead of me when I turn my hand, and when he clasps hold of it. There's a strange tingling in my hand that I don't understand, but it feels so pleasant, so good, that I can't let it go.
Well, I can. But I'm not going to.
She doesn't talk about a lot of things.
She doesn't talk about what happened at Mount Weather. She doesn't talk about the days that she spent in that white room. Despite the fact that she had been absolutely filthy before they had cleaned her up, in Mount Weather she felt sterile. How she felt like she was going mad in that room, without anyone to talk to. How she couldn't tell when a day had ended and when it began. It reminded her of being imprisoned on the Ark, except this was worse. She knew that if the Ark would kill her, then wouldn't prolong it.
She doesn't talk about how the food made her sleepy, sometimes made her feel nauseous. How it would put her to sleep, but sometimes she woke up and realised there were people there. People were hospital masks over their faces; how a bright light was in her face. How they would put needles in her, drawing her blood again and again. Measuring her heart rate. God knows what else.
She doesn't talk about the night Raven sneaked into her room and explained what was going on. That the Mountain Men were going to use them to fight the Grounders, because despite their obvious advanced technology they somehow couldn't beat them – or rather, didn't want anyone of theirs dying. That they were doing experiments on them to see if they could create a super human. Not to make any of the 100 super human, but to make their own kind super human. After that the 100 became "expendable".
They had already tried on ten kids. All ten had died. Clarke definitely doesn't talk about that.
She doesn't talk about how she and Raven and Monty made plans to escape. They had healed Raven and accepted her because of her insane intellect. Raven was the one that set up the bomb with Monty's help. She was the one that caused the malfunction, that got everyone out the rooms. She was the one that showed Clarke and Monty how to get out of the building and lead the others.
She definitely doesn't talk about how as they made it down the mountain, they heard the bomb echo through the forest. Looking back they saw a huge cloud of smoke, so much that it slithered down to them like a snake, crawling between the trees. She realised then that no matter how strong her morals were, at the end of the day she would kill to survive. She would do the same as her ancestors before her.
There is no difference.
I hear Jasper shout, "Clarke run! Run!" I turn to see him leap out of the trees and start firing like crazy. A spear is thrown and clangs to the floor not that far from Finn and the others. I turn round too see Anya pulling out a knife hidden from under the clothing on her arm. It makes a whipping sound as she pulls it out. It's all happening so fast that I can't do anything, I can't even raise my arm in defence.
Less than a second later blood spurts from her arm and she loses all momentum. Anya doesn't try to attack after that; she whirls round and staggers away. I turn my head down to the group. Bellamy is the only one looking at me.
It must be less than a second, less than a millisecond, but Bellamy and my eyes meet. When he lowers his gun it looks like he can't believe what he's done. I almost can't believe what he's done. It wasn't all that long ago that he was planning my death. It wasn't all that long ago that I thought I would be okay if he died. And now here we are, him protecting me.
But I knew that. That's why I went to ask him for his help in protecting us. Bellamy is impulsive and annoying, stubborn and wilful, but he always says what he thinks. You can rely on him. I knew he would help me against the Grounders. I trusted him. I said that to Finn, but right now is when I realise I believe them.
I trust Bellamy.
If I can do that, I can do anything.
They walked for days. When they found somewhere they deemed safe, they counted. There were only sixty-four of them now. There were eighty-two left before the battle with the Grounders, so between the battle and Mount Weather they had lost eighteen. Eighteen kids dead. Shocking but amazingly, only eighteen. Two of those were Finn and Bellamy. One of those, she realised with a shock, was Octavia. Ten were from Mount Weather. The other five she couldn't remember, and that made her ashamed. But only for a few minutes, because she has no right to live by her morals anymore.
In their wisdom they had stolen weapons from Mount Weather. The high-tech guns plus as much ammo as they could carry. The guns were much better than the ones they had used before, but even so they were on edge. The Grounders would almost certainly kill them if they found them, and most of them were still weak from the drugs they had been given, Clarke included. They had to stop more times than Clarke would have liked.
"We can't go back," Raven bluntly said one night. "The Grounders know where we are. We have to find some new shelter, or head to the ocean."
"I know," Clarke had replied, but she insisted they back to the first camp. To see if there were any supplies left.
"Sure," Raven muttered when she thought Clarke couldn't hear (or maybe she knew she could), "that's why you want to go back." But Raven didn't protest and Clarke knew too, that has much as they both hated the thought of seeing those bodies again, they had to go back. They had to be sure.
Everyone felt some relief when they arrived spotted the first signs of camp. The forest was quiet, eerily so. At first Clarke had been scared of this. But as time passed and they still saw no one, she wondered whether the battle had been bigger than she thought. If it had finally scared the Grounders enough that they didn't bother them. Or maybe they had presumed they had moved on. Or maybe the Mountain Men had attacked them too.
Scars still across her arms, she thought she preferred the Grounders to the Mountain Men. That was saying something.
As they got closer they realised that they could hear voices coming from behind the walls. Everyone exchanged wary glances and moved towards the walls, guns ready. Slowly they peeked over the gate into camp.
Thank God it was the Ark.
What happened immediately after was madness. The 100 stormed through the camp, calling out for their parents. Adults rushing forward, searching for their children. Clarke stood in the middle of the camp, stock-still. She believed that her mother had died, that she was an orphan now. Seeing some lucky children and parents being reunited caused another ache in her chest.
Then she saw something that made her heart stop.
There was Finn. He was standing, staring at her. She blinked, unable to believe it. He looked knackered with a cut on his head but he was alive.
He raced towards her and she opened her arms, and they hugged. They held each other close and so tight that she couldn't breathe, unable to say words – just the need to keep hold of each other. She stood there, breathing him in, and for a minute she felt better. For one minute she felt okay again, she felt like her old self.
Then Finn let go and went to Raven. Clarke knew he loved her, but there was still a twinge of pain there. It reminded her of when Raven first appeared and ran to Finn and she realised that he had a girlfriend. Still, she reminded herself that Finn and Raven were friends. So she forced herself to look away.
She felt a hand on her arm and she turned, ready with a smile because she thought she knew who it was.
She was close. It was a Blake, but not the one she thought.
"Clarke," Octavia breathed, pulling her into a hug. Clarke hugged her back, feeling relieved. She liked Octavia: the girl was gentle and kind, yet she could also be passionate and fun. In truth Clarke wished she could be more like Octavia. But Clarke could never seem to let go and have fun.
"I'm so glad to see you," Clarke said when they pulled away.
But Octavia's eyes were round with concern. "Is Bellamy with you?"
Time stopped again, and Clarke felt her feet glue to the ground. "What?" she heard herself say. "Is he not here?"
Octavia seemed more panicked. "No – we-" She glanced at Finn, who had stopped hugging Raven and turned to Clarke, with a solemn look on his face.
"Since I knew what was happening, Bellamy and I went into a cave." He approached Clarke, taking hold of her hand. "I swear Clarke, I thought he was right behind me. But when I turned around he was gone, and then I heard the bomb go off. It rocked the cave so much that it caved in. By the time I made my way out I was starving, dying of thirst and – there was no one around. A day later the Ark came and-"
Clarke had to turn away. She could hear Finn calling her but she couldn't look at him. Tears were in her eyes and she ran a hand through her hair, trying to remain calm. She thought she had made peace with Bellamy's death, but seeing Finn here and alive she had allowed herself to hope. And realising that he was gone again was just a bad as losing him the first time.
And then she hears, "Clarke!" She whirls back round because she can't believe this is happening, but it's her mother who is calling her name and running towards her.
The combination of finding Finn and Octavia, realising that Bellamy is still dead, and seeing her mother again is too much. As soon as Abby's arms wrap round her Clarke bursts into tears.
I watch as the drop ship – the ship that my mother is on – hit the ground and explode. The smoke bellows up to the sky as I crumble to the floor. I almost can't feel my legs they're shaking so much. All I can feel is my heart pounding in my chest and my stomach twisting. "No," I say. "No."
My mother is dead. That blast can't have left any survivors. My mother is gone and the last thing I said to her was that – was that I didn't want to talk to her anymore. I wasn't sure whether I had wanted to forgive her or not, but now I will never get the chance.
Suddenly I become aware of a hand on my elbow, and someone is talking to me. It's Bellamy, and he's talking to me. I try and focus on what he's saying.
"It's okay. It's okay Clarke. Your mom probably wasn't even in the ship."
"You can't know that," I whisper. I close my eyes, shake my head. "My dad was killed... And now my mom." I feel a sob growing in my chest, shaking. "I'm an orphan now. All my family's gone."
Bellamy doesn't say anything for a little while. "When my mom died I thought that I would die too, especially after Octavia was taken. Every day it felt like I had nothing to look forward too. The two most important people in my life were gone. But Octavia was still alive, and coming down to Earth..." When I look at him he is smiling a little, away in the past. "Octavia and I have been fighting so much that I can't believe we're still talking. But at least I have her." Bellamy clears his throat. "What I'm trying to say is you never know what will happen."
"The last member of my family just died Bellamy. Like you said, you have Octavia." I close my eyes, try to stop the tears from falling because damn, I don't want to cry in front of him. "I have no one."
We're both quiet for what feels like an eternity, but can only be a few seconds. He doesn't try to comfort me with words. Instead he puts his arm round my waist and pulls me towards him, like a hug. Except him and I are in such a weird position my head is against his chest. I can feel his heart beating, and even though Bellamy and I – God I don't know what we are right now. Allies I guess, except when I lift my head and he's look down at me our faces are so close I can feel his breath on my skin, tattooing me.
Our lips are practically a centimetre apart.
He's looking down at me and I'm looking at him, and I think: I could kiss him right now and no one would know. The thought shocks me. I don't want to kiss Bellamy. I don't like him.
Yet his lips are so close...
"Bellamy," I say quietly before anything can happen.
He swallows, his eyes trained on me. "Yeah?"
"Thank you." The area between his eyes crinkles and I know I've broken the moment, if that's what we even had. "You saved my life today. I would have been gutted like a fish if it hadn't been for you."
Bellamy gives out a little laugh. "Nice description."
"Just – thank you Bellamy."
He smiles then, and it almost takes my breath away because it's so soft and sweet – it changes him completely. "Anytime Princess."
I haven't moved away and neither has he. If anything our faces are closer together. And that's when I realise that I haven't defused the moment. No, if anything I have enhanced it. And I do so even more when I tilt my head, ready to fit my lips into his.
All while we've been talking it sounds like we were doing it in silence. That's not true: the camp behind us have been yelling and screeching about the ship, and finally we hear our names being called. With a jolt we both seem to remember where we are, and more importantly, who we are. The leaders of this camp. The ones that need to be strong.
We both stand as one.
When Clarke first got back at camp, she wanted to sleep for a week. To close her eyes and forget who she was, and live in the dreams. Her mother would have approved. But she couldn't manage it. She could only sleep for twelve hours at most before she had to get up. Sleeping gave her too much time to think and besides, she was in charge.
"It's okay Clarke," her mother had said. They had shared a tent, holding each other close in case they were worried the other would be snatched away again. "We're here now; we can take care of things."
She had laughed. Clearly her mother and the rest of the Ark didn't understand that everyone was needed. "I need to check there's a guard being set up. And how much food do you have, because I can send people out."
"Clarke." Abby had pulled her daughter into her arms and Clarke didn't have the heart to pull away. "You don't have to do this anymore."
Clarke spent a moment in her mother's arms, trying to let her be comforted. But it was like her body was broken, detached – like she couldn't feel anymore. Everything seemed to be numb inside her – either that or filled with sadness, and sometimes anger. There were no good emotions in her body anymore.
She pulled away. "I need to go," she said and made her way out the tent.
She found Miller by another tent, drinking some water. He had raised his eyebrows as he came towards him. "Hey," she said and without preamble, "is there a guard system set up?"
Miller nodded. "Seems to be," he said. Clarke kept her gaze on him as he sipped the water. More like guzzled.
"Hello Clarke." Kane had approached them. Clarke wasn't sure how much she liked him. She remembered her mother telling her that he was the one who wanted to kill people on the Ark. But now Abby seemed to trust him. God knows what happened.
Her thoughts stray to Bellamy and inwardly she laughs, bitter. Crazier things have happened.
"We've got people monitoring the perimeter," said Kane smoothly. "No Grounders will get into the camp."
Clarke and Miller exchanged a glance. They both knew that the Grounders could be on you in two seconds.
Kane carried on: "You two should take a break. You're not alone anymore-"
"I'll set up a watch system," Miller interrupted. He completed ignored Kane as he looked at Clarke. "We need to keep training people with the guns too. We've lost some of our best gunners. We'll need to make up the numbers."
Clarke knew he meant Bellamy. He was the one who consistently shot what he aimed for. After all, he had been trained for the guard.
Miller placed a hand on Clarke's shoulder and then walked away, calling out to a few members of the camp.
Kane was staring at Clarke. "You don't need to do this," he stated.
"We're the ones who have survived the Grounders." Clarke moved away from him, intent on finding out how much food they had. "If anyone should be in charge, it's us."
The water is so cold, but since they day is so hot I don't care. Besides which I have been filthy. I think we all have. I wouldn't mind cutting my hair a bit shorter, but I don't know who to ask. Raven maybe. I scrub my skin, clearing off the dried blood and dirt. I stick to the shallow end. Even though we haven't seen that snake thing since the first day, I don't want to take any chances – though technically I am. Usually bathing is taken in shifts, with guards monitoring. But I've never been particularly comfortable with undressing in front of people. Besides, I want a bit a peace.
I dunk my head under the water, washing my hair. As I rise I hear the low but unmistakable sound of footsteps. Coming from behind me, where my clothes are.
I dive away from the side, into the deep end. I am powering away causing the water to whoosh round me. I make so much noise I almost get to the other side when I hear a voice, "Jeez Princess, relax!"
Dripping wet I turn round. Bellamy is standing on the other side. Once he knows I've seen him he sends me a little smirk. "A bit on edge?"
"As I should be," I retort, though I can feel my face going red. I push off from the other side and swim towards him, making sure to keep my breasts from showing too much. In a stupid show of confidence, I have taken my bra and my underwear off. In a moment of recklessness I have also taken a towel so I can dry myself. I am sick of wandering around in wet clothes. If the Ark ever makes it down here – which is looking less and less likely – I am so grabbing another set of clothes.
"Who's in charge of the camp?" I ask.
"Miller," he says, and I nod my head in approval. Bellamy's right: Miller is a good, solid choice. Unlike others he doesn't try to win favours or act like he wants to be in charge. "Derek too." He furrows his brow. "You should have brought someone with you."
"I'm fine," I argue.
"You could have at least told me you were going," he continues. "After blowing up the bridge the Grounders will be on full alert."
"I know," I say, and I do. But I want a moment of peace. I could have asked Finn, but last time I checked he was looking in on Raven – the girl he has just broken up with. I don't particularly want to get into it.
Bellamy leans against the large rock above the river, by my clothes. His hands are leaning against my clothes, and he glances at them. With a smirk he picks up my bra, turning to me. "Feeling refreshed?"
I roll my eyes. "Shut up."
"I never thought of you as a nudist."
"I haven't washed in ages. At least not properly. I don't want to go around smelling like you do." I smirk at him. "You reek."
Bellamy meets my gaze with a strange expression on his face. Finally he gives a small smile and places his gun underneath the rock, hidden from sight. He takes off his shirt.
I am quietly horrified. "What are you doing?"
"Like you said, I reek. Perfect time to have a wash." He starts to unzip his trousers, pulling them away to reveal blue boxers. I turn away, feeling my cheeks flush. I hear a splash and when I turn around he is right behind me. The closeness of him is scary. Suddenly I am reminded of how close we were before we nearly kissed. I look at him and see the bright look in his eyes and realise: this is a game to him. To see how far he can go. To test me.
I lift my chin up, meeting his gaze. "So who is going to be standing guard?"
"I am." He smiles at me. "Relax Princess. I'm fast."
"Sure." I turn around, feeling silly. I don't know what's happening with me and Bellamy. We can maintain a steady leadership, focussed on helping out the camp – and each other. But sometimes Bellamy gets this look in his eye like... I don't know. Like he's excited or bored and he wants to have fun. And when he gets that look in his eye he always comes over to me. He starts to tease me.
The stupid thing is that I do it back. As if it's a game to me too. As if I'm trying to push him.
"Want to wash my back?" he asks innocently.
"Shut up," I say, still looking away from him.
There's a few minutes of peace while we both just focus on washing ourselves, listening to the birds chirping in the trees. I begin to relax, thinking how wonderful it is to be able to listen to birds. I had heard them on television of course, in movies, but somehow it's different. I remember the first night, despite how scared I was, I had listened to the birds and the scuffling of animals in awe.
"So are you with Finn then?"
I whirl round at him. Seeing my expression he holds up his hands. "Sorry," he says quickly. "I was just curious."
"No, we're not together," I mumble. I scrub my arms. "He and Raven just broke up."
"Didn't stop you two before."
I flush at the thought of it. My night with Finn was beautiful and just what I needed, yet whenever I am reminded of it I feel utterly ashamed. It's so unfair. I don't like Bellamy bringing up though. It's annoyed me. Without thinking I splash water towards him.
It hits him right in the face. He jerks his head back, his mouth twisted in a half-smile half-grimace. "Very mature."
"I'm only seventeen after all," I say. I give him another splash.
This time he returns it. It's only a small one. I turn my head back towards him and he meets my gaze. A small grin grows on his face and I can feel mine returning. "We shouldn't do this," I say.
"Chicken."
"We can't act like children down here."
"Doesn't stop everyone else." He flicks a bit of water, watching me. "How about we just have five minutes? Everyone needs a break, even us."
I know he's right. Its logic: you can't continue working so hard without burning out eventually. Even if it's only five minutes.
"I don't think it's a good idea." I make a move to get out of the river. As I pass Bellamy I suddenly throw water right in his face. He chokes, backing away while spluttering. I laugh.
I laugh. It feels like the first proper laugh I have done in a while, and instantly my whole body feels lighter. And all it took was a laugh.
"That's it!" Bellamy leaps towards me. I give a girlish shriek and try to get away from him, but his arms are long and he grabs my arm, pulling me towards him. We slip from the shallow end into the deeper part, and it makes it more fun. He sinks underneath the water and grabs my foot, pulling me down. I sink down, but by no means weak: I shoot out and hit him. He rises back to the surface and I follow, chucking a large portion of water on him.
I lose how long we do this. It feels like a few seconds, but it must be at least five minutes, if not more. I stumble towards the shallow end, trying to escape Bellamy, but he grabs me from behind and drags me back. I cry out again, laughing. He grabs hold of my arms as I attempt to push him back. We are both laughing, at a stalemate as he can't let my arms go to splash me. We are both laughing, but slowly it dies until we're just smiling at each other.
And suddenly it's happening again. That thing where I realise just how close I am to him, just how sweet he looks, just how... Just how attracted I am to him. And even though I know how stupid this is, how I so don't have time for this, I can't tear my gaze away from his. Or from how sweet and gentle his smile can be. I keep noticing it. How come I keep noticing it?
We are staring at each other again when Bellamy suddenly freezes. And that's when I hear the footsteps too.
In less than a second Bellamy has pushed me close to the shore, underneath the large rock and picked up the gun. He has it trained right on where the sound coming from.
"Easy!" I feel my heart sink a little as Finn comes out of the trees, moving towards us.
Bellamy gives a sigh, but it sounds more irritated than relieved. "Give us a warning next time," he snaps.
"Why don't you try it?" Finn replies hotly. "I could hear you two right from the camp."
I realise he's right. We've been making too much noise. Grounders are going to want to attack us, and we're making so much noise we could lead them right to us. I hit reality again with a huge bump.
Finn stares at me, and his eyes go down. I've forgotten that I'm naked and right now my breasts are easily above the surface. I duck back down, covering them with the water. Worse, I have been wrestling with Bellamy and completely forgotten. He must have gotten an eyeful of them. I turn away, feeling my cheeks heat up.
"What are you two doing?" Finn asks. His voice is annoyed.
"Nothing," both Bellamy and I say at the same time.
"Doesn't look like nothing."
"Fuck off." Bellamy is glowering at Finn. "And turn away so the princess can get out of the water without you ogling her."
Finn glares right back at him, but turns away. Funnily I wish he would walk away. I don't know why. Finn and I are friends after all. But anything vaguely sexual that happens around Finn makes me feel awkward. I like Raven. I don't want to hurt her. And what's happening with Bellamy isn't helping me sort my feelings out.
To my surprise Bellamy gets out of the water first, picks up the blanket and hands it to me. I can't see his body but my eyes catch his boxers on the grass, bone dry. I freeze. I never knew he was naked too.
He wraps the towel round my body as I get out. While he does he reaches forward, his mouth in my ear. "Don't let Spacewalker make you feel bad. Everyone needs to have some fun – even you."
I give him a weak smile as I pick up my clothes. Finn turns round as I approach him. I give him another smile, but we both know it's awkward and I don't pause to talk. I don't miss the glare Finn shoots Bellamy. Those two have never been the best of friends, but I have a feeling that I haven't helped the situation.
Days pass. Clarke can't help but count them as they go by, marking the days off one by one. It's easier when there is more to be done. Every day Clarke is attempting to force to new council (a temporary one, since they don't have time to hold elections) to listen to her suggestions, and when they don't she does what she wants anyone. She enjoys the remaining members of the 100 following her rather than listening to the council. Even the ones that are disgruntled over the fact it seems the privileged are running things still follow her orders. Miller in particular seems to relish this. Even though she struggles these days, she can usually find a smile when he winks at her from the other side of the camp after disobeying Kane's direct orders.
They have decided to remain at this camp, despite Clarke's protests. And everyone who goes out hunting is telling her that they aren't seeing any Grounders, or Reapers. Even so, Clarke commands everyone to stay at this side of the river. She doesn't want to start another war.
Lincoln is the one who explains. "You killed most of the people that wanted you gone," he says, holding onto Octavia's hand. "The rest of them are more like me. We have the Reapers to avoid; we don't want to have another war with you. With the others gone, they would rather have peace. There are a few who are still pissed, but there's no way you're going to be faced with another army."
Clarke relaxes a little. "That's good news," she murmurs.
Lincoln gives a small nod. "Be careful though," he advises. "My people already hate you. You killed quite a number of us, more than we killed of you." He shakes his head. "It's embarrassing. You guys are children."
Octavia nudges him. "Don't tell me you're changing sides again," she teases.
Lincoln looks at her with such warmth that Clarke has to look away. "Never," he says, planting a kiss on her. He turns back to Clarke. "Like I said, be careful. Avoid them and they'll steer clear of you. Hopefully that should be enough."
Clarke nods. That's the best advice she's been given in a long time.
They've expanded the camp now – in the direction away from the river. The wall is being rebuilt to accommodate, and new tents are popping out. They're even talking about building a large bath tub i.e. a hole in the ground, so people don't have to go to the river all the time.
Clarke closes her eyes, thinking of times at the river. Somehow she thinks she'll still be making trips down there.
Jasper is one of the people digging the hole. Clarke brings water for the men, including him. He takes a long drink before lifting himself up to sit beside her. "How's it going?"
Normally she wouldn't think anything of Jasper asking her this. But his attempt at a light-hearted tone falls flat.
Clarke rests on the palms of her hands, splayed in the dirt. "Why do you ask?"
Jasper gives a small shrug. "You just don't seem yourself these days."
"It's been..." Clarke trails off.
"Hard," finishes Jasper. "Especially since you're the one who's in charge now."
She can't help but snort. "Not according to the council."
"According to us you are," counters Jasper. "We don't care what the council says. You're the one we listen to." Clarke gives a small smile, a sign of thanks. "I was just thinking it must be hard for you, without Bellamy around to help."
She feels her throat swell up. "Yeah," she manages to squeeze out. "It's been..." Unbearably hard.
Jasper is quiet for a little while, and the two of them sit together, sipping their water. "Y'know," he says softly. "The day that you and Finn were captured by the Grounders, Murphy attacked." Clarke frowns. She never got the full story about that, everything else happening way too fast to ask. "He held me hostage and threatened to kill me. Bellamy offered to trade himself for me." Jasper swallows. "He was literally hanging off the end of a noose when we finally got inside. Almost died." The boy shakes his head. "I vowed that day I would be loyal to him and save his life, like he saved mine. I just wish I could have kept that promise. I – oh Clarke, I'm sorry!" Jasper breaks off as Clarke buries her face in her hands. "I'm sorry," he repeats lamely, placing a hand on her shoulder. "I'm an idiot."
She shakes her head, quickly wiping the tears from her eyes. "It's okay," she says. She tries to smile but it doesn't quiet work. "I'm glad you told me that." Jasper is still staring at her. "I have to go." She moves away, shoves past Finn when he tries to grab her. She knows that now, after everything that's happened, she should be spending every moment with Finn. He was what she wanted, right?
Then how come every time he reaches for her hand she pulls away, because after a few seconds it feels wrong? That the thought of kissing him makes her feel ill, like she's betraying someone.
She escapes past the guards, dashing through the forest. She's not scared anymore. She doesn't think the Grounders will come after them, but if they do, she has a knife and she can run. She has been training along with the rest of Miller's crew. But he's not just teaching them how to use a gun. He's got them running round the boundaries and leaving heavy objects again and again. She finds herself getting stronger. She has a knife with her. She thinks she might actually stand a chance against a Grounder.
Okay, she knows it's stupid. She knows she would be killed in an instant. But she needs to get away. Camp has become even more suffocating with the adults around.
She finally finds a quiet spot, leaning against a tree. She breathes in and out, slowly. Allows herself to feel good. Even before it all began, when her dad was still alive, she enjoyed spending time alone. It helped her recharge. That's what she needs right now.
She spends a few minutes in the quiet when she hears a noise. Despite her bravo attitude to spending time away from the camp, she feels her stomach twist at the thought of a Grounder coming at her. Keeping absolutely still, she listens. For a minute she barely breathes, and can hear nothing but her own pulse in her own ears. Thankfully no one appears, and all she can hear are the birds and a few animals scuttling in the undergrowth.
Cautiously she calls out. "Bellamy?"
Her heart pounds hard against her chest. She can barely breathe.
He doesn't appear. No one does. Clarke lifts a hand to her head, swallowing painfully. "Mad," she whispers to herself. "I'm going mad." These days all she can think about is Bellamy.
Maybe that's because if it weren't for her, he'd still be alive.
A few days later when Clarke is sorting through supplies, another person walks into the tent. They've been working on building a large room, sort of like a meeting room. They're thinking of using wood, building a cabin. "Our ancestors did it," Kane reasons, "why can't we?"
"Hey." Octavia bends down beside Clarke, her hands reaching over to the meds kit. "Need a hand?"
Clarke turns to smile at her. "Yeah, thanks." As they work she takes a sneaky look at Octavia. The girl looks a little pale, with dark circles under her eyes. Lincoln has mentioned she hasn't been sleeping. Maybe it's the fact winter is coming, but...
"Jasper said you were upset," says Octavia. She glances at the older girl. "You wanna talk?"
Clarke wishes everyone would stop treating her like this: like she's a kid that's about to start crying. Never mind the fact that she actually has. "I'm fine." She focuses on Octavia. "I should be asking you how you're doing."
Octavia gives her a small smile. "I'm okay." At a little while there is just the sound of them sorting out the supplies. "Bellamy's alive Clarke."
She jerks her head up. "What?"
"I don't know where he is," Octavia says softly, and Clarke feels her heartbeat begin to slow. "But I would know if Bell was dead. I would feel it."
Clarke can't help but smile at the girl. She really does love Octavia. She's so childish, so naive. "You weren't there Octavia. I came out and saw the bodies, burnt beyond recognition. There's no way Bellamy could survive it."
She expects Octavia to crumble at her words, but instead she just gives a small smile. "Finn did," she says simply. "And if Finn can, I'm sure my brother has. God knows where he is but I'm sure he'll come back. He would never leave me." Octavia puts a hand on Clarke's shoulder and stands, walking towards the exit. Before she goes she turns back round. "He wouldn't leave you either Clarke."
"What-?"
"Don't even try it," she says, holding up a hand. There's a smile playing on her face and her eyes are bright, either with amusement or with unshed tears. Maybe both. "I know my brother better than anyone. I can tell when he's smitten. And I like to think I know you too." She smiles wider. "You two weren't completely subtle, no matter how hard you tried."
"Nothing happened," Clarke says quickly.
"But there was something there," she says. Her eyes are trained on Clarke's face. "Still is."
Most of the time nothing happens between us. It's all business. We're dishing out orders, sharing looks of fear and dread, discussing plans. Most of the time we do this without any emotion, without any affection.
Sometimes though...
It's like I can't help it. Sometimes we're on opposite sides of the camp: Bellamy is organising the troops for guard duty, and I'm looking through the food supply. I'll raise my head and he'll turn in my direction and our eyes will meet.
Sometimes we'll roll our eyes at each other, saying, "God, why won't people do what they're told?" Sometimes one of us will think the other needs some rest, and so will fake a yawn and jerk their head to the side, as if to say, "What you waiting for? Get moving", which is usually what he does to me. We pass a hundred signs simply from looking at each other; without words.
The best time though is when look at other and hold each other's gazes. We just look at each other, and then slowly, as if we're thinking the same thing – who knows, maybe we are – we smile. It could just be a friendly smile, but when I look at him I feel my stomach leap and I know it's not just a friend's thing. It's something else.
When he looks at me like that I feel better. It's not like the way Finn looks at me, a thrill and a guilty feeling at the same time. His look, Bellamy's look, makes me feel like I'm flying. Like there's magic in the air. If nothing else it makes me hopeful.
Eventually we'll look away and pretend it didn't happen. And most of the time we can forget about it, because let's face it, there are bigger things to worry about.
But I know that when we're giving out orders, when I'm standing beside him – I feel safe. I feel right. I feel like it's where I want to be.
I am checking on some kids that are still weak from the illness when I turn round and nearly bump into Finn. "Hi," he says.
"Hey." I smile because I am not in the mood to fight with Finn. Besides, all things aside he's a good friend. He's always been loyal to me.
An image of Raven flashes through my head and I wince. I wish I hadn't thought of that.
"Can we talk for a second?"
I glance behind my shoulder, to where Raven is lying. She seems to be asleep, but I swear she was awake just a minute ago. I turn back and say, "Sure," walking towards the exit.
Finn is quiet despite the fact he wanted to talk to me. I feel a stab of sympathy for him. For some reason I find it hard to stay mad at Finn.
"Look," he finally says as we stand outside the drop ship. "I wanted to say sorry. About what happened between us."
I force a smile. Out the corner of my eye I can see Bellamy in the distance, glancing in my direction. Out of habit I look at him. He looks concerned, and I wonder what Derek has been saying to him. "You said you were sorry," I say when I look at him. "It's okay, I get it."
Finn opens his mouth and closes it. I look away, not wanting to see him struggle, and then curse myself for caring. "I care about Raven," he begins.
"Don't do this Finn," I beg. I like Raven, I really do, but I like Finn too. So I am either going hear about how great Raven is, which I don't want to hear coming from Finn; or I am going to hear about what is wrong with her, which I don't want to know either – because let's face it, Raven kicks ass. She was dying from illness and yet managed to set off the bomb at the bridge. I was dead on my feet with that virus. I couldn't have done it.
"But I need to explain," he presses. He looks away, and then looks back at me. "Clarke, I l-"
"Hey Princess!" Bellamy hollers my name from across the camp. I look towards him, releasing a breath I didn't realise I had been holding. "Get over here!"
I give Finn another sympathetic look and turn away. Part of me wants to hear what he was going to say – and another part of me is terrified. Because I don't want to hurt Raven. And a part of me is angry at Finn too. He makes me laugh, and he will protect me – but when I saw Raven run into Finn's arms I felt something break inside of me. Maybe it was my heart.
He grabs my arm. "Clarke, can't it wait?"
"Finn," I say, stepping forward, "someone could be dying. Or it could be the Grounders. This isn't important compared to that."
"What is going on with you and Bellamy?"
I can't believe he's asking me that. "Did you not hear what I just said?" Finn keeps his gaze on me and I feel a wave of irritation. "I have work to do Finn."
"Clarke-"
"Princess! Did you not hear me?"
I leave Finn by the drop ship and make my way across to Bellamy. He indicates his tent and I walk inside. He hesitates for a moment and I imagine Finn glowering at him. He follows me inside.
"What's up?" I ask him.
"I was just going to ask how everyone's recovering after the virus. We still have a few people down."
I nod. "Yeah, but only about five kids. I told you yesterday that it'll take time for some people. It is getting closer to winter. Our immune systems are weakening."
Bellamy squints. "Why does that not fill me with confidence?"
I roll my eyes. "We'll be fine. I can't say the same with the Grounders though."
Bellamy heaves a sigh and I can see how stressed he is. "We need to build our defences. I wouldn't mind Raven getting better so I could talk to her."
"She'll be fine. She's nearly recovered."
There's a pause and neither of us say anything. "That's what you wanted to talk to me about?" He shrugs. "You made it sound like it was urgent."
"Well, it was." He gives me a small smile. "You seemed to be pretty stuck with Spacewalker back there. Thought I'd give him a hand."
I give him a bemused look. "Give him a hand?"
The corner of Bellamy's mouth lifts. "I've seen you in action. Dax, remember? I don't think he would make it."
I feel a smile starting, and I know I must look stupid. But it's – well, it's nice. Bellamy has been looking out for me. Even against Finn.
"Against me he wouldn't last five minutes."
"Really? I thought two," he teases. We share a smile. It lasts only for a few moments, and then he moves away out the tent. It feels like it's the first time he's actually left me. Now I know how it feels to be left after a look like that.
It makes me want to go after him.
Winter is closing in. The days are getting cold, and they begin to make coats and jackets out of the spare material. When they catch animals they cut the fur from it to turn it into them, as well as blankets. Clarke doesn't know if it will be enough. Lincoln has said that winters can get pretty bad. He says that they need to find shelter, like a cave or something. Unfortunately the only ones he knows of are the ones that the Grounders know of. Clearly not safe.
Clarke works with her mother in the makeshift hospital, healing the wounded. It reminds her of the old times. She used to enjoy helping people. It used to make her feel better, watching people heal. But now all it reminds her of is that she couldn't protect Bellamy.
Abby has been watching Clarke. She gently plants a hand on her arm, almost startling the girl. "Why don't you take a break?"
Clarke doesn't want to, but she knows her mother is right. She has been working too much lately. But work means being busy, and being busy forgets about Bellamy. She can't ask for more than that. But right now her feet are killing her and her arms ache. She's tired.
"Besides, I think someone wants to talk to you." Her mother nods to the end of the tent, and when Clarke looks round she sees Finn. He gives her a tight-lipped smile and she tries to respond. Fails.
She turns back to her mother. "Are you sure you don't need me?"
"Go," says Abby, pointing to the door. "You'll collapse otherwise."
Clarke is about to leave when she remembers something that she's been wanting to do for a while. "Mom?" Abby looks up, still bent a sleeping patient. "I forgive you."
The words have a powerful affect on Abby: she freezes on Clarke's face.
She moves closer to her mother and takes her hand. It feels painful for some reason, an ache in her chest. Every time she breathes it feels like her chest will break. "About Dad. I..." She clears her throat and almost wants to take it back. "I don't agree with what you did. But I know that you wouldn't – that you didn't want Dad to die. I know that's not want you meant to happen and – and I forgive you for it."
Abby stares at Clarke for a long moment, her eyes welling with tears. "I'm so sorry baby," she whispers, embracing her. "I didn't want any of it happen."
"I know," Clarke whispers in her mother's ear. She should be crying too. But she's beginning to feel like she can't express emotion anymore. All she can feel is numbness, stretching out from her chest and all round her body. This is so emotional for her mother, but Clarke's not feeling much of anything.
But this forgiveness has been long overdue. And she's learnt the hard way that you never know how long you have.
She goes to Finn who takes her hand. She moves outside, towards the boundary of perimeter. Neither of them say anything. Clarke can feel Raven watching them as they pass. She tries to offer the girl a smile, but her face is stiff. Still Raven offers her a little flicker in return, and Clarke is grateful for it.
As they reach the wall Finn pushes Clarke against the barrier. Caught off guard she can't do anything but accept the kiss from him. It's deep and passionate and Clarke feels...
...nothing.
Finn pulls away from her, his eyes scanning her face. She doesn't even try to smile at him, because she knows she wouldn't have been able to.
He sighs, moving away from her. "This isn't working, is it?"
"What-"
"Don't act dumb Clarke. You're not into me anymore." He turns away like he's mad before turning back. But when he does his face is calm. "When did you fall in love with Bellamy?"
When he first stopped me from falling into that pit. When he tried to protect Charlotte. When he saved me from Dax. When he saved me from being stabbed by Anya. A thousand times in-between and after. "When it was too late," she says.
Finn seems to deflate a little. Looking at him Clarke wonders why she ever felt anything for him other than friendship. On paper he is perfect for her: appalled by violence, kind, honest. But he's not the one that she wants anymore.
Once she thought that she couldn't live without Finn, but she was wrong. Now Finn is alive and well, and for some reason she is sinking deeper down into depression. For some reason the last person in the world she thought she needed she can't live without.
Love is utterly confusing.
She thinks for a moment that Finn will get mad. But instead he moves towards her and presses a kiss on her forehead. She feels herself tense a little at his touch and she can tell he feels it too because he moves away. "I'm sorry Clarke," he murmurs. "For all I put you through."
She shakes her head. "You didn't do anything wrong Finn. I'm just sorry I couldn't be more to you."
Finn nods, the corners of his mouth lifting. His eyes are sad though, but Clarke can barely bring herself to care. After all, it's not the worst thing that she's done.
I told him that we needed him. I know that's not the last thing I said to him. The last thing I mentioned to him is Raven's idea to blow up the area outside the drop ship. But that's the last thing that I said that meant something. The last thing that I truly meant.
He died without me ever finding out what it would have been like to kiss him.
That's the last thing I think when the Mountain Men chuck tear gas into our camp and kidnap us.
Clarke should be flattered by the fact she has been asked to join the council meeting. She's sits between her mother and Kane in the large tent they have created, on the first table that they have actually built. Besides her mom and Kane there are four other adults on the council. She doesn't recognise any of them. A lot of people died when the ship broke apart on landing. Only two parts survived, including her mother's. The rest died.
A lot of people have died so that a few could live.
"Winter is coming," says Kane. Clarke isn't looking at him but at her hands on the table. "We need to find a safe place to stay." There's a pause. "We've looked through the maps of the area and found there was an abandoned safe house not far from here." He glances at Clarke. "I believe you have already been there."
Her brain is slow and at first she doesn't get it. Then with a flash she remembers: her and Bellamy on the day trip, finding the guns. "You want to use that as shelter?" Clarke is already shaking her head. "You're insane. Bellamy and I-" The words catch in her throat, but this is important so she makes sure she clears it. "We checked it out. It's ruined. Water is coming in. We'll freeze."
"It's the only place we can think of," Kane argues. "If you have a better idea I would love to hear it."
"We'll dig a cave in the camp. Make it underground."
"That will take months, and every day it's getting closer to us freezing. We don't have time."
"We will freeze if we use that place."
"All those in favour of using the safe house as a place for surviving through winter." Kane talks over Clarke. He raises his hand, and to her horror every council member except for Abby raises their hand.
She feels a large pit of anger boiling inside of her. Without thinking of what she is doing she is racing out the tent and through the gates, past Miller and Raven and Octavia and Lincoln and Finn and Jasper and Monty and everyone who has helped her survive since the last battle with the Grounders. She runs faster than she ever has in her life, but she knows she can't escape it because the thing she is really running from is guilt. No matter how hard she tries, people will end up dying.
She stops at her favourite place, a large tree. She thinks it's an oak tree, but for all she knows it could be any number of them. After all, it's not like she's ever seen trees in real life until she landed on Earth. She leans against it and closes her eyes, trying to keep calm. Trying to find a way out.
"I don't think I can," she whispers to herself. A moment later she gets an answer, just not the one that she expected.
She opens her eyes right before the spear hits. With speed she didn't know she had she ducks down. It catches the side of her cheek, opening a cut that had been starting to heal. She moves round the other side of the tree right as a large Grounder lunges for her.
According to the council she is still a child, therefore she isn't allowed a gun. Miller and the others have been consistently breaking that rule, but she hasn't taken a gun with her on any of her outings. Fucking idiot, she curses herself. All she has is her small knife.
She begins to run, but the Grounder is heading towards her with impressive speed. Whirling round she cries out, "Wait!" She thinks she can reason with him, make him see that there's no point attacking her. But as soon as she sees his face, dark eyes wide and blistering with hate, she knows it's pointless.
She tries to run again, but she's grabbed and flung down. She tries to use the momentum to roll away but he is after her. She manages to stand but she can't get away; the Grounder shoves her against a tree. The back of her head hits the bark of the tree and groans, stars appearing in front of her eyes. Even though she is in so much pain she can barely think, she manages to raise the knife and catch his side. The Grounder cries out, but he easily manages to knock it out of her hand.
His own hand wraps round her throat. He is so big that one hand is enough to choke her. One of the lessons Miller has been teaching her is when you're being strangled not to go for the hands round your throat but to go for their face. Clarke immediately attempts this, but his arms are so long he stretches out, keeping away from her.
The smirk on the Grounder's face is so dark it sends a twist in her stomach. "You think you invaders can stand against us?" he hisses. His face blurs dangerously in front of her, though his voice is as clear as a bell. "You may have won the battle, but the war is not yours."
There is a bang and Clarke almost freaks: I'm dead. But instead she sees the Grounder's head jerk forward. For a moment he is completely still, and then she sees a trickle of blood running down his neck. All of a sudden he collapses on the ground in front of her.
With shaky legs she looks up. About a hundred yards away, lowering the gun, is Bellamy Blake.
I am dead.
Clarke doesn't move, simply staring at the figure in front of her. Neither of them speak, living in the silence that they had grown used to.
Then he smiles. "Hey Princess."
She runs.
Bellamy has to drop his gun in order to catch up. She leaps into his arms, clinging to him for dear life. Her head on his shoulder she breathes in, smelling his familiar scent – of the earth and of blood and the unexplained smell of freshly cut grass. It's him.
After a whole minute Bellamy's arms relax round her and she slowly moves away. She looks at his face. He has some gashes that have only half-healed and a bit of blood coming from a new one, but his eyes are still the same – dark and full like some chocolate she managed to get one year at Christmas – and so are the sprinkle of freckles that you can only see in certain lights across is nose.
And he is smiling at her, one so gentle that she feels it tug at her heart. "God Princess, I never thought I would ever see you cry with happiness over me," he teases.
"Tears of despair," she corrects, wiping them away from her eyes. It's hard not to touch him again, to make sure he's real. "I thought I'd got rid of you arguing with me. Now I have to work with you again."
His face changes a little when he remembers what their world is like. "Is Octavia-?"
"Fine," Clarke says quickly. This time she allows herself to place a hand on his arm. "Lincoln took her to a safe place while the fighting was going on, and he brought her back when the people from the Ark came back-"
"The Ark landed?"
She lets out a laugh when she remembers he doesn't know. "God Bell, it's crazy. You've missed so much."
He puts his hands on her arms, but she loses her footing and they both almost fall. "Steady Clarke," says Bellamy with another smile.
"Sit down," she demands, and she pulls him down with her. They both lose their footing and he falls, landing almost on her. Their eyes meet and they could kiss right now, but it doesn't feel right, not when she has a lot to say. So she pushes him gently off her, making sure she has her hand in his, and explains. She tells him about Mount Weather and finding the people in the Ark, about the council not listening to her. "Everyone's okay though," she says. She tells him that Octavia only has a scar on her leg from the arrow, that Jasper will be so pleased to see him, that Raven is building more mines, that Monty is creating more walkie-talkies, and he laughs when she tells him that Miller has them training like an army. "And Finn-" She stops.
"And Finn?" Bellamy prompts, somewhat gently.
She swallows. "He survived. How did you?"
He shakes his head. "Honestly, it's all a blur. I think I was running after Spacewalker when I was attacked by one of the Grounders. I got away but I'm pretty sure I was hit on the head, because I have a huge memory blackout. The thing I remember after the blackout is waking up where – where Charlotte jumped." Clarke watches him blanch a little. "I was badly wounded, and I didn't have many bullets left. I had no idea how many Grounders we killed.
"I started walking until I could only crawl. And I found this place, this cave. It was like a tiny hole, and I had to widen it to get in. I thought I would just hide out until I healed a bit or when I needed water, but as I went through the cave got bigger and bigger. I finally got to the point where it was as huge as the camp. And the best part," says Bellamy, smiling, "is there was an entire stream running through it."
"That's where you stayed?" she asks.
Bellamy nods. "Almost exclusively. There was some strange herb thing that I ate for a little while-"
Clarke gives him a small slap on the shoulder. "You idiot," she says. "Do you know how many plants and herbs can kill you?"
"It didn't kill me, obviously," Bellamy corrects. Then he gives her a little bashful smile and Clarke feels her heart lift. "It did give me a bit of a stomach ache, but I managed to live." He glances back at her. "How long have I been gone?"
"Three months and six days," says Clarke, and feels herself blush when Bellamy lifts an eyebrow. "I think," she adds lamely.
Bellamy gives a small chuckle. Once again they are quiet. "I'm sorry," she whispers.
He raises her eyebrows again. "For what?"
"I left you." Her voice cracks as the words come out of her mouth, and she feels the tears coming again. Suddenly she is sobbing so hard her chest is shaking, but she manages to get the words out. "I shut the door and left you to die." She feels her chest grow lighter and she realises that this is what has been killing her. She's never said it out loud, how terrible she has felt for leaving him. "I'm so sorry," she cries. "I'm sorry-"
Bellamy gathers her in his arms and holds her. Her face in his chest she sobs. He shushes her, soothing her. It takes her a good fifteen minutes before her sobs turn to sniffles. "Clarke," Bellamy says once she's quiet. "I don't blame you for closing the door."
"But-" Her voice catches. "But I left you-"
"And if you hadn't everyone could have died," Bellamy points out. "You made the only decision you could. I would have done the same thing."
"I'm sorry-"
"Clarke, it's not your fault." In an uncharacteristic move he puts his hand under her chin, lifting her face to look at him. He smiles. "You want forgiveness? Fine, I'll give it to you," he says. He lowers his voice so it's a whisper. "You're forgiven."
She starts crying all over again and he starts comforting her. How long they spend is anyone's guess, but the sun moves to the highest point in the sky by the time she's fully calmed down.
"We need to go back," she says, wiping her nose. "Your injuries need to be looked at by my mom."
Bellamy nods, and Clarke can see that he is eager to go. He stands up and offers her hand. "I should be pulling you up," she says, smiling as he lifts her.
"You're the princess," he points out.
"And you're the king."
He grimaces. "I don't think I like that nickname, after Murphy used it."
"You can be whoever you want," she says. And because he's alive she moves towards him and plants a kiss on his lips. It's not deep and passionate like Finn's were, but as light as a feather from surprise. Yet Clarke finds it hard to keep her hands to herself.
When he pulls away his eyes are veiled with desire. "Clarke-"
She smiles at him. "Let's go back," she murmurs and, hand in his, she leads him back towards camp.
Not then, but later, I realised that when I leapt into Bellamy's arms I felt at home. That every time I had been with him – arguing with him, wishing him dead, flirting with him – I felt safe. I felt protected. I felt alive.
That was when I realised that home doesn't have to refer to a place.
The two of them step into the camp hand-in-hand and people stop. For a moment there is pure silence, shock at what they are seeing. Clarke stands tall. Now she and Bellamy are side by side again and she is struck by the righteousness of it.
And then everyone goes mad.
The adults don't understand what's going on, but the remaining members of the 100 race towards them. Bellamy – and Clarke too – are buried in hugs and pats on the shoulders. Everyone is screaming and talking at once, telling him how glad they are to have him back, congratulating him, asking what happened. Clarke catches the look on Bellamy's face and, seeing the utter amazement on it, laughs. Bellamy has never realised how much the 100 liked him – loved him, even. They worship the ground he walks on, and seeing him returned to them is like something out of a fairytale. If Clarke hadn't been holding his hand she might not have believed it herself.
The best part is seeing all her friends – and his friends – greet him. Monty slaps him on the shoulder, Raven gives him a kiss on his cheek with tears shining in her eyes. Finn goes to shake his hand and grips it for a second too long, giving him a nod which Bellamy returns. Clarke almost cries again, seeing the two of them finally becoming friends. Bellamy pulls Miller into a hug while the two of them laugh, and Jasper practically tackles him.
And then: "Bell?"
The surrounding kids suddenly part like grass bending under the wind. In the gap stands Octavia. Her long hair falling down her back and jacket falling off one shoulder, she looks more like a child than ever. Clarke enjoys seeing the relief course over Bellamy's face, and he completely relaxes for the first time she's seen him. "O," she hears him breathe.
And like Clarke did before her, Octavia runs straight into her brother's arms. The two of them hold onto each other tightly, and when they part Octavia is crying. "I knew you were alive," she cries.
"I knew you would survive," she hears Bellamy say. "You're one of the strongest people I know."
Octavia is shaking her hand. "Not over you." And then she hits Bellamy. "If you ever leave me again, I really will kill you."
Clarke finds herself brushing tears away from her face after looking at the two of them. "Help me get him to the drop ship," she says to Octavia.
"What about the council?" demands Bellamy. Despite his unhelpful stubbornness Octavia and Clarke share a smile – same old Bellamy.
"What about it?" Clarke glances over and sees Kane, standing tall.
Bellamy meets his gaze without flinching. "Clarke told me about using the old shelter as a place to stay for winter," he says loudly. "It won't work. It's flowing with water."
"Oh yes?" Kane raises an eyebrow. "Well winters can be rough, so unless you have any better ideas-"
"I do," he interrupts. "The caves I used to hide out for three months and six days-" he smirks at Clarke "-are big enough to provide plenty of room for all of us. I didn't see anyone using it – no Reaper or Grounder. And water runs through it, so we don't need to worry about that. It's the perfect place to hide away in winter."
Kane takes a moment to stare at Bellamy. The two of them stare each other out for a moment while there's a buzz of noise from the crowd. "We'll check them out," Kane finally says. "If they're suitable-"
"Check them out now," Bellamy commands.
Octavia and Clarke both make noises protest. "You need checking out Bell," says Octavia.
"She's right," insists Clarke. "You need to rest."
Abby approaches him. She takes one look at Clarke and her hand on Bellamy's arm and smiles. "My daughter will drag you into the drop ship even if she has to knock you unconscious."
"Winter is coming," insists Bellamy.
"Rest for today," demands Clarke, dragging him forward. "As soon as you can walk we'll go find that cave."
"I can walk now," says Bellamy as Clarke and Octavia frog-march him into the drop ship. Abby leads and Jasper, Miller and Monty and a dozen others follow behind, chattering excitedly.
"She means when I've broken your leg after you try to escape," says Octavia, so innocently that it makes Clarke laugh.
As they make their way in Octavia helps Abby set up a table and Bellamy leans towards Clarke. "You'll stay?" he asks, whispering the words like a prayer.
When Clarke smiles she finally feels it affect the rest of her body, lighting her up from the inside. She squeezes his arm. "I'll stay," she whispers.
"Clarke."
I turn to him. "You always seem to want me at the worst time," I scold him like a little child. We moved into the caves a few days ago and we're still trying to organise everyone. Bellamy is right: as soon as I saw these caves I knew this would be perfect. There are two entrances, one so small that you have to crawl through it, and other that is blocked by an enormous rock so it doesn't look like an entrance at all. No wonder no one has found it. Getting the hospital equipment has been hard, but we're managing.
"What is it?" I ask as we step into a smaller cave, one that will be used for a bedroom.
Bellamy works his jaw. "I wanted to ask you something."
He is still silent and I feel my patience wearing thin. "Bell, can we hurry this up? Kane is already bossing people around and I want to remind him who is really in charge."
"When you kissed me," he says in a rush, "did you do it because you missed me, or..." He trails off but I know exactly what he means.
I take a deep breath. "That day I kissed you, I did it because I missed you."
I see his eyes, those eyes I know so well, flash in disappointment. His face falls and he says, "Well, okay. I'd best get back-"
I catch his arms as he goes by, swing myself round so we're facing each other. "This kiss is because I love you," I say. I allow myself to catch the way his smile bursts on his face. If any sight can be delicious, like the sweetness of chocolate cake the juiciness like a hamburger, it's this one. I lean forward and kiss him for the second but definitely not last time.