Everybody Needs A Friend
This was written for Sayanistica as part of the 2008 Yuletide fanfiction exchange.
This is also the first fanfic I've ever written for Hellboy-- I hope I'll fit in here with all the tremendous Hellboy writing talent!
The library was unbearably, oppressively silent. Hellboy wasn't used to that—normally there would be Abe to talk to, his father's music playing while the old man pored over dusty and ancient books or discussed their next mission, while the amphibious Abe swam nearby.
There was none of that now; Abe was floating in a medical tank clinging to life, he'd lost more agents on this mission to Sammael and Rasputin than he'd ever lost before, and now...
Now Father was dead.
Hellboy felt numb as he watched the empty desk and empty chair, his father's wooden rosary looped between his fingers. He knew he had to keep moving, keep fighting, keep searching for Rasputin, and put a damn bullet between his eyes, but even the thought of revenge couldn't muster him from his numbness. In fact, the only thing that made him stand up still, that made him think that somehow, somewhere, he'd survive this with his heart intact, was... her.
But even Liz now felt to him like she was on a distant shore, while he was still floundering about in a mire somewhere. Probably off on that distant shore cavorting with John Myers. He'd never felt so alone—Father, and Abe, and Clay—oh God, he hadn't forgiven himself for letting Clay die at the hands of Rasputin's puppet—all those agents, and worst of all, Liz, so close but so far away.
Hellboy was hard to kill; why the hell did it have to be easy for everyone else around him to die?
Suddenly the large brass doors to the library opened with a loud creak; Hellboy barely gave them a glance.
"Sorry, I—"
Myers. Hellboy tried to muster the energy to shrug. Figures. "Buzz off, Boy Scout. I'm not in the mood."
John Myers stood in the doorway, looking a great deal older than he did when he'd first arrived at the Bureau, not quite the wide-eyes innocent who had stared at Hellboy's filed-down horns like a kid at the fair. He'd grown already, Hellboy had to give him credit for that.
"I thought you'd like to know that Abe's awake. He's going to be fine," he said, and Hellboy felt a tiny lessening of the despair that permeated him.
"He, uh... well, Liz is in there talking to him," Myers added, as though he was searching for something more to say.
"Thanks," Hellboy said. He saw, out of the corner of his eye, how Myers was staring at the rosary in his hands.
"Listen—"
There it was. Hellboy had been expecting that. "Whatever you're thinking, don't say it."
He'd heard the platitudes from Manning, from other agents, and had been quite content not to hear anything from Myers.
"I know how you must be feeling right now," Myers said, as though Hellboy hadn't just interrupted him.
That touched a nerve. For the first time, Hellboy sat straight, hoping Myers would get the message to back the hell off. "Let me set you straight, Myers, 'cause you don't know. You don't have a clue. Wouldn't even know where to begin. So buzz off."
"Okay," Myers relented. He held his hands up submissively. "You're right, I don't know exactly what you're going through. But let me just—can I sit down?"
Hellboy sighed and waved his stone hand towards one of the armchairs around the desk. Myers sat in the one closest to him, and Hellboy purposely looked away, looked down at the rosary. Whatever Myers had in mind for a little 'talk', he sure as hell didn't have to listen.
"Thanks," Myers said. "Listen, I can't pretend that I know exactly what it's like for you right now, but... hear me out. Let me just tell you something about me you won't find in my FBI file, okay?"
He stopped, as though waiting for acknowledgement before going on. Hellboy cast him an aside glance; Myers was looking at him, steely-eyed. Not quite the Boy Scout anymore. Hellboy grunted an affirmative.
"I lost my family," Myers said, slowly and deliberately. "My parents, and my sister. It happened just after I'd started college. It was a car accident, just a stupid accident, drunk driver, you know--- anyway, none of them made it. And I still remember, off in my little dorm at college, getting that call, and feeling like, there's no way my mind could handle losing so much all at once. It felt like I was drowning."
Hellboy said nothing, tried to keep emotion off his face, but he could feel Myers' gaze on him. Okay, so the kid had lost a few people. It still wasn't the same.
"So believe me when I say that I know what it's like, to be the only one still standing where everyone around you is dying, when everyone you love and everything you care about is just falling apart. Nothing makes sense anymore, and you know what you try to do? You try and find one thing that makes sense, one thing that makes you think you can survive all this, and you tell yourself, I can't let go of that."
"You don't get it," Hellboy said. He squeezed the rosary between his fingers and looked into Myer's eyes for the first time; they were shining with moisture, but he still looked determined. "You don't get it. Even if I had something like that, it would just be ripped out of my hands, way too easy. You don't know what it's like to be the only house left standing after the big bad wolf's done blowing."
"If you're only made of stone, others have to be made of silk," Myers said, and Hellboy couldn't tell if that was some damn proverb or something he'd just made up. "But I do know what it's like to lose a father, a best friend, someone who helped make sense of the world. People will die no matter who you are, Red..."
Hellboy felt an odd pang at hearing the nickname coming from Myers' lips.
"... whether you're a big tough guy from... from another world, or a little geek like me. I'm willing to bet we both felt just as helpless when we learned the people we loved were dead. Does that mean you shouldn't get close to anyone anymore?"
He appreciated how Myers had graciously avoided using the word "hell".
It was hard, though, to hear the very question he'd struggled to avoid answering for years now. He knew no normal person would ever survive doing the job he did; he'd been so very relieved the day Father had stopped going on missions, and still felt apprehension whenever Abe ended up in the thick of things. The confrontation with Sammael had just proven his point; his friends were always in danger, as long as they stood around him. Even though Father knew that, and Abe knew that... and Clay, and the other agents knew that, and... and she knew that—it didn't change a damn thing.
He couldn't live without the people he cared about. Problem was, he couldn't live to see them die either.
"Not if it means losing everything so easily," he said glumly. "Sometimes it's better not to have anyone to look out for."
"Every needs someone to look out for," Myers said gently. "That's why I was brought in here, remember? That's why professor Broom--"
"I didn't need someone else to—" Hellboy stopped; he'd been about to say "someone else to look out for me". Myers noticed, and looked at him expectantly. Damn; this would have been so much easier if the kid had just decided to leave well enough alone. "I don't need someone else to worry about," he finally said. "Damn it, Myers, I don't need more friends to... to watch die, okay?"
"Thing is, it's not entirely up to you," Myers said, and there was a hint of cheekiness there that was almost contagious. "You've got at least one new friend who wants to look out for you. And there's another one too you should worry about, and you forget that she's a lot tougher than you give her credit for."
"Liz," Hellboy said. There was a rasp in his voice when he spoke.
"She really does care about you. She misses professor Broom too. You should both be together right now, helping each other get through this."
"Liz doesn't want me," Hellboy said, although it was hard to keep the hope out of his voice. "She's got a shot at making it out there, like a normal person. She needs... she needs someone like you."
Myers, good-naturedly, shook his head and smiled. "Trust me, she doesn't want someone like me."
"She needs someone normal," Hellboy insisted. He flexed his stone hand for emphasis, vaguely waved in the direction of his horns. "She doesn't want to end up with a freak."
"How about you let her decide that?" Myers said. "Listen, Hellboy-- she came back, and I can tell you she didn't do it for me. Now give her a reason to stay, and I can guarantee you she'll be worth worrying about."
Well. He certainly couldn't argue with that. He didn't even want to. And he could swear he saw a damn smile on John Myers' face when he asked, "How? How can I do that? How do I get her to stay?"
"Show her how you feel. Show her what you're made of. Show her there's something in this world that you can offer her that nobody else can."
That, he could do. He couldn't offer Liz a perfect, normal life, or a perfect, normal boyfriend. He couldn't offer her dinner out in fancy restaurants or a walk in the park (but maybe, he mused, maybe one day). But his biggest curse was also his greatest blessing; he could offer Liz the love of someone who would destroy the world before letting her get a scratch.
For three days, he hadn't seen her. For three days, he had barely spoken to anymore, and now suddenly he felt invigorated. It was time to break the silence.
"You might be on to something there, Boy Scout," Hellboy said, waving the finger of his normal hand at Myers. "I guess Father really did know what he was doing when he hired you."
"That's what friends are for."
Hellboy smirked. "So now we're friends, are we?"
Myers stood up, and for a devastating moment Hellboy feared he might try to hug him—but he only stood, hands on hips, shrugging with forced casualness. "Hey, whatever works. Everybody needs a friend, right?"
Sure, Hellboy mused. Someone else to worry about. Another back to watch out for when things got tough, when things got dangerous.
Was it worth it?
"Yeah," Hellboy said, and he saw Myers smile. "Guess you're right."
End