Eavesdroppers Never…
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Teyla stormed through the entrance to Rodney's lab, wishing there was a door on it that so that she could slam it shut. The three men clustered around the worktable jumped. Ronon leapt in front of them and Radek threw a sheet over what they were working on. Rodney turned and relaxed when he saw who it was. "Jeez, Teyla, we thought you were John. Give us some warning next time, will ya?" He rubbed his hands together. "Did you get what we needed?" He looked down at her empty hands, hands which were clenched into fists and realized she hadn't. "What happened?"
"That…that…that man!" She sputtered.
Ronon drew up to his full height and crossed his arms over his chest, waiting to hear something that would give him an excuse to put a hurting on a certain someone, as Rodney repeated himself. "What happened?" He'd been so sure that Teyla was the best suited to wheedle the parts they needed to finish the remote controlled jumper.
"I went to see Dr. Kavanagh with the list of parts you needed, as you requested. When I showed him the list, he asked me what they were for. I told him we were making a birthday present for John and he…he…oh, that jerk!" She drew in a deep breath, finding the Earth term fitting.
"What stupidity did he spout this time?"
"He did not have very kind words for the Colonel."
"Yes, Kavanagh always disliked Colonel, since time of Dr. Weir. He thought she put his welfare above others on Atlantis, which is ridiculous. He had no use for either of them." Radek said.
"He's jealous." Ronon ground out. "Thinks he should be in charge."
"Yeah, like that's gonna happen." Rodney said. "So what did he say that got you all riled up?"
"Riled up?" She asked in confusion.
"Upset, angry, ready to fight him to the death. Riled up." Rodney replied.
Wrapped up in their conversation, none saw the figure approaching the lab door. It stumbled to a stop when Teyla drew herself up to her fullest height and put a sneer on her face, saying. "If Colonel Sheppard were to go through the Stargate and never come back, it would be the best thing that could ever happen to Atlantis." Her tone mimicked the way Kavanagh had said it to her, conviction and all.
Radeks's jaw dropped open and Ronon tensed. Rodney, however, smirked and held up a finger. Putting a similar sneer on his face, he said. "Sheppard likes everyone to think he's so smart but he's not. He lets us scientists come up with the answers, then claims all the glory for himself, making himself out to be some big hero."
Ronon, not to be outdone, added his two cents. "He's a coward. He hides behind the rest of his team and lets them do all the work. Then walks around like he's the king of Atlantis or something."
Radek listened in horror as each of his friends parroted something the despicable scientist had said within their hearing. "Pah, the man is idiot! He knows nothing about anything! I do not why he is even here."
"No kidding!" Rodney replied.
The figure outside the door silently turned and walked quietly away. His mind, however, was anything but quiet. When had he let his guard down and let these people become so important to him? He'd been on his way to see if anyone wanted to go to the mess hall for lunch, never expecting to hear them talking about him, especially not with so much disdain. He'd been so sure they were his friends, family even. Yet, even Radek had had nothing good to say. He kept going, deep in thought, until he reached the outer edge of the explored areas of the city, an area he knew from experience was just outside sensor range. He found the balcony he'd noted last time he'd been here with an exploration team, one that faced the sun, and sat down wearily. He leaned his head back against the wall and raised his face to the sunlight.
He thought about the people he'd cared about over the course of his life, how they always seemed to leave him. His mother, cancer. Dex and Mitch, blown up in Afghanistan. Holland, dying in his arms in the middle of a desert, despite all he tried to do to save him. Nancy, walking out the door without a backwards glance, determined to divorce him. He'd erected barriers after that, friendly but never friends. Somehow he'd lost that when he'd come to Atlantis, maybe because they only had each other, maybe because they were fighting for their lives from almost the moment they'd set foot on her. He'd started let people in again and look what had happened. Grodin, blown up in a space station. Ford, hyped up on Wraith enzyme, blown up on a hive ship. Carson, blown up by some misguided Ancient experiment, coming back but not really him. Elizabeth, killed by the replicators. He should have known better.
It had been a long six years. He'd made mistakes, they'd all made mistakes, but he'd been so sure he'd earned the respect, trust and friendship of his team. He'd expanded that definition a couple of years ago to include the short Czech scientist who was nearly as smart as McKay, just not so vociferous about it. It now appeared that he was sadly mistaken, about a lot of things. His comms squawked at him. "Sheppard? Where are you? We're heading to lunch. I'm hungry." He sometimes thought McKay's strident voice would reach him no matter where he was, without the benefit of a radio. He ignored it. Why were they even bothering if they thought he was really just a waste of space?
A few minutes later, Teyla's softer voice sounded in his ear. "John? Where are you?" She actually sounded worried. He crossed his arms across his chest and frowned. He had no intention of answering her either, but knew they could be persistent if they put their minds to it. He still couldn't understand why they went to such lengths. Based on what he'd heard, he would've thought they'd be relieved not to have him around. He thought of what to do and finally keyed his comms.
"Sheppard to Lorne." He found himself wondering what his X.O.'s opinion was of him and worried that it worried him.
"Lorne here, Colonel."
"Major, I'm not feeling all that well, I'll be in my quarters and I don't want to be disturbed for anything less than a Wraith attack."
"Understood sir. Is there anything I can do? Should you go see Dr. Beckett or Dr. Keller?"
"No, just a migraine. It will pass."
"Very well sir, Lorne out."
He felt stupid lying to his second in command but he needed to get his equilibrium again. He felt like the world had just tilted and he wasn't able to adjust to the new angle, stumbling around drunkenly. He closed his eyes and tried to come to terms with things as he now understood them. As the sun set, his team began to worry about him.
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"I checked his quarters, he's not there!" Rodney said in exasperation.
"Maybe he was asleep and just didn't answer. Lorne said he had a migraine." Ronon responded.
"Hello? Genius here! I overrode the door command and let myself in. He wasn't there. Bed was made, didn't look like he'd gone back to try to rest at any point during the day."
"Do you think maybe he went to the infirmary after all?" Teyla asked.
"Nope, already checked there." Ronon said.
"Well then, where is he?" Rodney wasn't sure if he was worried or exasperated. He reached up and keyed his comms once again, sure the missing Colonel wouldn't answer. "Sheppard! Please respond!"
He was startled when John actually responded this time. "What do you want McKay?" He blinked a little at the cold tone of voice.
"We were worried about you, you weren't responding."
"What do you need?" Not bothering to respond to the implied question about where he'd been all afternoon.
"Nothing, well, now we're heading to dinner and wanted to know if you want to join us."
"Already ate."
"Are you sure?"
"Am I sure that I ate? Yes, Dr. McKay, I'm sure. Sheppard out."
Rodney stood in the hallway with his jaw hanging open. Even after Doranda and his accidental blowing up of three quarters of a solar system, Sheppard had never been so short with him.
"What did he say?" Teyla asked.
"He said he already ate. He always checks with us first, why would he go eat without us?"
"Perhaps his migraine finally eased and he felt hungry?" Teyla asked.
"Maybe, but it was weird."
"In what way?" Ronon asked.
"He was short with me and I've never heard him speak so coldly to me."
"What did you do McKay?" Ronon asked.
"What makes you think it was me, Conan? Maybe it was something you did!"
"Nope, haven't seen him since our run this morning. Seemed fine to me then."
"Well, I haven't seen him at all today, so it wasn't me!" Both men turned and looked at Teyla who raised an eyebrow.
"Why are you looking at me? I have not seen John today either. He was supposed to spar with me this afternoon but he never showed up. I assumed his migraine was still making him feel ill."
"Well, there's nothing we can do until he either tells us what's bothering him or he works it out. Come on, I'm hungry."
"You're always hungry McKay." Ronon sniped at him.
"Bite me."
The trio headed to the mess hall, picking up Radek along the way. Once in the mess hall, they found Carson already there and joined him, filling him in on the Colonel's recent odd behavior. "What do you think, Carson?" Rodney asked.
"I'm not sure what to think. This doesn't sound like John. The man can be an enigma, but I've never know him to shut everyone out. He's usually the one everyone goes to with their problems." He paused. "I wonder, who does he go to with his own? I think he keeps them bottled up inside. Perhaps the bottle has just gotten too full."
During dinner, they continued to discuss the Colonel and what his recent behavior might mean, desperately wanting to know what might be wrong. Radek pushed his glasses up his nose. "Perhaps Colonel is feeling down about upcoming birthday?"
"I don't see why, it's not one of the big ones." Rodney replied.
"Big ones?" Teyla asked.
"Yeah, on Earth, certain birthday milestones hit people the wrong way. Twenty-Nine, Thirty, Forty, Fifty, Sixty, like that. They realize they're leaving their youth behind, start having regrets about the things they didn't do."
"In my culture, each birth anniversary is something to be cherished as it meant you lived to see another one."
No one really wanted to think about why they might not live to see another one and started bandying about other ideas, not coming up with any that really made sense as to why the usually easy going, gregarious Sheppard had suddenly frozen them out. Dinner over, they trooped out and halted just outside the mess hall. "Movie?" Rodney asked. Each head nodded yes. "Think we should ask Sheppard?" Same nods yes. "Well, someone else can ask him, because for all we know, it was me that did something to piss him off."
"He did not respond to any of us today, Rodney. But if you insist." Teyla keyed her comms. "John?"
"Yes Teyla?" His tone was not cold, but also not as welcoming as it normally was.
"We are going to the recreation room to watch a movie, can you join us?"
"No."
"Sorry?"
"I have too much to do. Sheppard out."
Teyla's mouth opened and closed a few times before she finally said. "He has too much to do to join us tonight. I am not feeling up to it any more. If you do not mind, I think I will head to my quarters." The others nodded and each drifted away without actually voicing the decision to forego the movie, the glue that held them together, missing.
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In his quarters, John went back to composing his request for transfer. With the Daedalus making regular runs between the Milky Way and Pegasus, getting someone to take his place should be a piece of cake. He was sure Caldwell would jump at the chance. He couldn't stay here if his own team, the people he thought he was closest to, didn't trust or respect him. How could he command while worrying that everyone who reported to him felt the same way? He'd start second guessing himself, become ineffectual and that could lead to people getting killed. No, it was better if he just moved on. This was the longest he'd ever been stationed in one place and he was sure he could pull off the 'it's time to move on' tact he was going to take.
He finished the request and placed it in the folder that was designated for the next data burst in two days. He opened a new document and addressed a letter to General O'Neill, hesitating over the first sentence. The man seemed to have a built in bullshit meter. He'd have to be sure it sounded like he really meant it. He took a deep breath and composed it. Read it over and changed a word here and there. Read it again and scrapped it, starting over. Finally, after an hour, he had a short but succinct letter written to the General, thanking him for the opportunity to serve on Atlantis but emphasizing his need for a new posting on Earth, citing homesickness. He'd been away from Earth for just over six years and he missed his home world. He didn't care what posting it was, as long as he didn't have to leave the planet again. That should make sure that he wouldn't be posted to an SGC team. He still wasn't sure O'Neill would buy it, but it was the best he could do. He placed it in the same folder and looked at his watch. He sighed when he realized it was still fairly early. He could go to the mess hall, as he'd outright lied to Rodney, he hadn't eaten but still wasn't hungry, not sure if he could get anything past the knot in his throat.
He laid down, his feet hanging off the end of the too short bed, his hands behind his head, staring at the ceiling. He'd thought he'd finally found a place where he belonged, a place where he made a difference, a place he could call home. Today he'd found out just how badly he'd deluded himself. He drifted off to sleep, still fully dressed, only to vividly have dream after dream about the Wraith or the Genii attacking Atlantis, him issuing orders and having people disobey him left and right, not trusting that he knew what he was doing, watching the bodies pile up while there was nothing he could do. Listening as they all blamed him for not being good enough, smart enough, brave enough. The most violent one drove him from sleep and he looked at his watch. Just after 0400 hours. Normally he ran with Ronon at 0600, but decided to head out now, knowing in his heart that he was avoiding the man. He changed into his running clothes and was out the door by 0430. He ran for longer than normal, trying to outrun his dreams. He was panting when he got back to his quarters at just after 0600, finding Ronon pounding on his door and yelling his name.
"Ronon! Keep it down will you? You'll wake up everyone on base."
The big Satedan turned and frowned at him. "You already went."
"Yeah, I couldn't sleep so I went out early." He opened his door with a thought and went through, closing it behind him, leaving a somewhat pissed off and bewildered teammate on the other side. Ronon stared at the closed door, not knowing what to do. He decided that if Sheppard avoided them again today, he'd be at his door all that much earlier tomorrow so he couldn't avoid their daily run and then he'd make the stubborn fool talk. He turned and began his route, his feet pounding the floor harder than normal as he tried to work out why his friend and brother had suddenly turned against them.
In his quarters, John felt guilty about basically shutting the door in Ronon's face with no explanation, until he heard the man's voice in his head, saying what he really felt about him. He showered and changed, bypassing the mess hall in favor of his office, still not feeling hungry. If he was going to be leaving Atlantis, he was determined he'd leave it in as best shape as possible, including getting all his outstanding reports up to date. There was no way he was going to give Caldwell another reason to point out why he hadn't been right for the job. He single mindedly began to work through the pile, wondering at how he could have let this back up so badly. He gave a bitter laugh, he'd thought he'd have all the time in the world. He finished another one and shot it off to Woolsey, who sat in his office with his eyebrows raised, watching as overdue after overdue reports started showing up in his inbox.
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At noon, a somewhat subdued McKay contacted him again, asking if he wanted to join them for lunch. John declined, stating he was busy in his office and would eat at his desk. The snort that met that statement had him signing off from the scientist without so much as a word, leaving Rodney calling his name futilely. The team cornered Lorne in the mess hall, demanding that he find out what was going on. Lorne pleaded ignorance, although he too had noticed that his C.O. was less than his usual happy go lucky self. He finally agreed to beard the lion in his den and report back. He slowly made his way to Sheppard's office, poking his nose in to find his commander and friend bent over his desk, furiously typing on his laptop. "Sir?"
"Yes Lorne." Sheppard didn't look up but kept working. Lorne was nonplussed. Normally the Colonel would welcome any distraction from doing his paperwork. He swallowed hard.
"Is everything okay, sir?"
This got Sheppard's attention and he looked up with no expression on his face. "Everything is fine Major. What can I do for you?"
"Um, nothing really sir. I just hadn't seen you around this morning and wanted to check in to see if you were still feeling ill."
"I'm fine Major. Just doing my job, something I'm sure you could be doing as well." He went back to his laptop and Lorne felt well and truly dismissed for the first time since coming under the man's command.
"Yes sir." He turned and left the office as quickly as possible. He should have been angry, instead he was worried. The Colonel's team was correct, there was something seriously wrong. He hurried away to McKay's lab where he was sure he'd find them waiting for his report. He was right and they all looked to him with hopeful faces. He shook his head and took a seat at the lab table with the others. "I don't know what's wrong but there's definitely something going on."
"Do you think he's been taken over by some alien organism?" McKay asked. Lorne rolled his eyes at him and the others looked at him with exasperation. "Don't look at me like that! It's happened more than once!"
"Rodney, I do not think Colonel is infected with alien. I think he is just out of sorts." Radek said.
"Well, I don't like it!"
"None of us do Rodney, but we cannot force John to want our company. He will work it out, he always does." Teyla said, putting a gentle hand on his arm.
He sighed. "I know. It's just like, I know he's here but somehow he's not and I miss him." He admitted. Rodney McKay didn't know how to fix this and he hated that feeling.
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John remained holed up in his office for the rest of the day, avoiding the people who shouldn't want his company but kept intruding. By late evening, he was up to date with everything and shut down his laptop. The data burst would go tomorrow and he'd get his answer soon enough. He stood and stretched. He knew he should go the mess hall, he'd had nothing but a couple power bars since yesterday, forcing himself to get them down despite his lack of hunger. He shrugged and decided to head back to his quarters. He walked slowly through the halls of the city, wondering how many more times he would do this before his transfer was approved. He was pretty sure it would be. He knew Landry wasn't his biggest fan and had wanted Caldwell in his place for years. He figured the General would leap at the chance. As he approached his quarters, he slowed down even more as heard voices around the corner, instantly recognizing McKay's voice. The man was trying to whisper but was never very good at it.
He turned on his heel and went the other way. They wouldn't stay there all night and eventually he would be able to head back. Not that he wanted another night like last night. He'd slept but it hadn't been restful, the nightmares following him into his waking hours. He wandered back to the same balcony as yesterday. He settled in the same place, only this time he lifted his face to the light of the two moons of the planet they'd finally settled on when the city had returned to Pegasus, the stars sparkling in the clear night sky. He searched them, wondering which ones he might have visited. He knew he shouldn't be avoiding his teammates, but he didn't want to confront them about their true feelings for him. He just didn't want to hear any more truths about how they felt about him, what he'd heard had been enough, he didn't need any more, thank you very much. He drifted off to sleep and slipped sideways into an uncomfortable position, twitching over the course of the next hours as the same dreams haunted him.
He woke from another nightmare in the early morning hours, realizing none of his team had attempted to contact him and felt a pang of disappointment that he immediately slapped down. This was what he'd wanted, this is what he'd forced on them. He stood and stretched, his joints aching from sleeping on the hard cold balcony floor. He headed back to his quarters, relieved to find the corridor outside his room empty. He was about to open the door when he had a thought. He knew Rodney could override his room's door control and he wondered if one or more of them might be waiting for him inside. He shook himself, why would they? He opened the door and entered the empty room. Somehow, that disappointed him again. Man, maybe he needed a session with the base psychologist. This couldn't be normal. He looked at the bed and couldn't bring himself to lay down in it, knowing that the dreams would return. Looking at his watch, he saw that it was just after 0300 hours. Ok, kind of early for a run, but why not?
He changed and headed out, pounding through the halls of the city, choosing a different route than the one he normally took with Ronon, heading out towards the outer edge of the explored city. He might be in a deep funk, but he wasn't suicidal. Running through unexplored areas was a recipe for disaster. He got back to his room almost two hours later, to find Ronon sitting on the floor outside his room. It was about an hour earlier than their normal run and he knew the Satedan had been trying to catch him if he went out early. Again, why was he bothering? John knew being a coward was the worst possible thing in the man's mind and he'd stated that was exactly what he thought of him. He slowed as he approached.
"Did you need something Ronon?" His voice was cool and held a distinct lack of interest.
Ronon stood up and crossed his arms over his chest. "Why are you avoiding us?"
Should he tell him what he'd overheard? He sighed, he was tired and didn't want to get into it with him. He wasn't sure if he'd ever admit that he knew what they really thought of them. Maybe he really was a coward. "I'm not. I'm the military commander of this base and I have responsibilities. I can't spend every waking hour with the team." This time his tone was colder and held no emotion.
Ronon picked up on the fact that he called it 'the team' instead of 'my team' as he usually did. Something was wrong and he didn't know how to deal with this version of Sheppard. He took a step forward and John didn't react. "We're not asking that you spend every waking hour with us, just some time would be nice."
"Sorry to disappoint you." His tone indicated he was anything but. "Now, I have a lot to do and I need to get it done sooner rather than later. If you'll excuse me?" John waved towards the door the Satedan was blocking. Ronon stepped to the side and watched his friend open the door, walk through and shut it behind him, never looking at him. Once again he found himself staring at a closed door, but this time he was angry. If this is what Sheppard wanted, than this is what he'd get. He was done with trying to get him to join them for meals or for any other activity. He turned away and began his run, his anger only building as he ran.
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The data burst went through at 0600 hours, as usual. What wasn't usual was when Earth dialed back two hours later and General O'Neill's IDC was received. Chuck notified Mr. Woolsey and the man was on hand when the General stepped out of the event horizon. Woolsey extended his hand. "Welcome to Atlantis, General."
O'Neill shook it and said. "We need to talk."
"Very well. My office?" Woolsey had no idea what was going on but kept a carefully pleasant expression on his face as he led the man through the control room. He was well aware that Chuck was the center of the rumor mill that ran rampant through the city. He'd had a talk with the man and Chuck had told him that he was careful about what he passed on, stopping some of the more nasty ones in their tracks. Woolsey had decided it wasn't a bad idea and left him to it. It was going to happen anyway and having a modicum of control over it couldn't hurt. He had no idea why the General was here and he didn't want the rumors to start up until he knew.
Once in his office, he sat in his chair with his hands folded on the desk. O'Neill sat himself in one of the chairs facing him. Now that they were settled, Woolsey asked. "What's going on General?"
In response, Jack pulled some papers out of his jacket and slid them across the desk. Richard took them and began to read the first one, his eyebrows inching their way up his forehead with each word. He read the second one and when done, he looked at the man sitting in front of him. "Well, that explains some things." Things like all the caught up reports. At this point, he was pretty sure there was nothing outstanding. John Sheppard was cleaning house. "Why would he do this?"
"So, you had no idea he was requesting a transfer?"
"No! If I had, I would have never let him send it in. We need him here."
"I'm well aware of that Woolsey. What's going on?"
"I have no idea but I think I know who might." He keyed his comms. "Dr. McKay?"
"Woolsey?"
"Could you, Teyla, Ronon and Dr. Zelenka join me in the conference room?"
"I'm kind of busy right now, can't it wait?"
"No. And Dr. McKay?"
"Yes?"
"Please do not mention this to Colonel Sheppard."
"Not an issue." The words told Woolsey that the doctor knew something serious was going on. For his part, Rodney was worried about the sudden call to meet with the expedition leader and not tell John. He turned to the people sitting in his lab, still trying to figure out what was going on, although Ronon was stubbornly saying they should just let John isolate himself if that's what he wanted. He had a feeling that the big man's feelings were hurt, not that he'd ever admit it. "We're wanted in the conference room."
Teyla stood up. "I will get John."
"No, we've been requested to not let John know this meeting is happening." None of them looked happy at this piece of news. They got up silently and made their way to the conference room.
Back in Woolsey's office, he keyed his comms again. Sheppard's X.O. needed to be included. "Major Lorne?"
"Yes Mr. Woolsey?"
"Can you please join me in the conference room? This is to be kept confidential. From everyone. Also, could you please stop and pick up Dr. Beckett? I'd like him to be there as well. Again, this is confidential."
"On my way." Lorne knew this was about the Colonel and worried that things were about to come to a head. If the Colonel was removed from his command, they'd be stuck with Caldwell and things would go to hell in a hand basket. He respected the man, knew he was a good soldier and a good commander…of the Daedalus. He was just too narrow minded and steeped in normal military tradition to head up Atlantis. It was Sheppard's quirky way of looking at things that had saved their bacon on more than one occasion. The very fact that Caldwell had said that he didn't believe what he was seeing when Sheppard had stolen a dart and gotten two allied Wraith hives to fire on each other, proved that point. He headed out to get the doc and make their way to the clandestine meeting.
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When everyone was gathered in the conference room, Woolsey slid copies of John's transfer request and the letter to O'Neill to everyone. McKay and Beckett finished first and Rodney exploded from his chair. "What the hell?"
At the same time, Beckett added his own "Bloody hell!
By now the rest had finished reading and looked at each other in bewilderment. Watching them, O'Neill sighed. No help here then. "So, none of you expected anything like this?"
Teyla answered. "No. He has been acting distant the last few days, but we thought he would work out whatever was bothering him and return to normal. I do not understand, why would he want to leave Atlantis and go back to Earth? This is his home now."
"You aren't going to allow this, are you?" Rodney demanded.
"That's why I'm here, Dr. McKay. Colonel Sheppard is perfectly within his rights to request a transfer after having been stationed here for over six years. I need a valid reason to decline it, other than the fact that you want me to." Jack answered.
Lorne piped up. "Sir, he's needed here, badly. There's no one else who has the experience he has with the Wraith and the few factions of the Genii that have broken off from Radim's command."
"Good point." Jack looked around. "Anything else?"
"His ATA gene! It's the reason he was added to the expedition at the last minute. It's the strongest ever measured and needed here." Rodney responded.
"Another good point. Although with the artificial gene therapy, there are plenty of ATA gene carriers wandering around."
Carson sighed. "As much as we all want him to stay here, we need to think about his wants. It wouldn't be fair to make him stay here if what he says in the letter to the General is true. If he really just wants to go home, then who are we to deny him that?"
"That's crap Carson. Teyla's right, this is his home. The few times we've been back to Earth, he couldn't wait to get back here! No, something else is going on."
"Fine. What is it then?"
"I don't know! We've been trying to figure that out for two days!"
Before the two of them could get involved in one of those kind of fights that only two good friends could have, Woolsey held up his hand. "Let's approach this logically. When did the Colonel start acting distant?"
The two subsided and they all began to think. Ronon said. "Two days ago, we went on our regular early morning run and he was fine. Whined about losing to me like he always does. Perfectly normal."
"Okay, so when did he start to draw away?" Carson asked.
"The first time we noticed anything was later that day. We tried to find him to go to lunch, but he didn't respond to any of our hails."
Lorne piped up. "He contacted me and said he had a migraine and was going to his quarters to rest. Didn't want to be disturbed."
"I went by his quarters and he wasn't there, his bed hadn't been disturbed." At Rodney's statement, Woolsey and O'Neill stared at him. "Yes, yes, I know, boundaries. I tend not to pay attention to them. Look, I was already starting to get worried about him."
Jack cleared his throat. "So, I'm assuming he did finally answer you?"
"Yes, later when we asked him if he wanted to join us for dinner. That was when I really knew something was wrong."
"Why?"
"He was more cold and distant than I've ever heard him, even after…" He trailed off, not wanting to bring that up again.
Ever helpful, Teyla supplied. "Doranda?"
"Yes, Doranda." His reply was short.
"Okay, so something happened between his morning run with Ronon and lunch. Can you think of anything?"
"No, we weren't with him. We were all in my lab working on his…birthday…" Rodney trailed off as all the blood drained from his face. "Oh, no." He looked at Teyla, Ronon and Radek.
Radek was the first to understand what Rodney was saying and blanched as well. "You think Colonel overheard?"
"It's the only thing that makes sense." Rodney whispered.
Ronon and Teyla finally figured out what they were talking about and Ronon said. "That can't be good."
"No, no it is not." Teyla responded.
"Someone care to share with the rest of the class?" Jack asked.
There was silence for a minute and then Teyla responded. "As Rodney said, we were in his lab working on John's birthday present…"
Rodney interrupted her. "Remote controlled puddle jumper. My idea." Radek glared at him. "I mean, Radek's and mine"
Teyla just sighed, used to her teammate's quirks, knowing she would never trade him for anyone else, even when he annoyed her like now. "As I as was saying, we were helping Radek and Rodney work on the puddle jumper. Rodney had sent me to request certain parts from Dr. Kavanagh. The man upset me and I left without them. When I got back to the lab, we discussed his opinion of John, repeating things he had either said to us, or deliberately said loud enough to others so that we could overhear."
"And ye think John might have overheard ye, love?" Carson asked.
"Yes, I am now convinced of it."
Ronon was angry. "Well, why didn't he just ask us about it? We would have told him what happened."
Jack asked. "What kind of things did he overhear?" The others repeated what they'd said, including Radek, who explained that his comments were about Kavanagh not Sheppard. Woolsey and O'Neill shook their heads at just how clueless the unlikeable scientist truly was.
When they were done, Carson sighed. "John is a very private and proud man. He comes off as strong but underneath, he is a very caring man and I know he worries about failing you, failing anyone. If he thought that ye didn't trust him or want him here, he would've retreated, trying to make sense of the things that he'd heard. He thinks of all of ye as more than friends, he thinks of ye as family. The things he heard must have hurt worse than a knife to the heart."
Lorne nodded his head in agreement. "If the Colonel truly thinks that you, his closest friends, really thought that of him, he'd worry that others did as well. And if they did, then that could put this city at risk. He knows that a commander who is not trusted, can't truly be effective. He'd worry that it could get people killed and would think it was his duty to take himself out of the equation." He was somewhat angry at the people who'd started this, but knew that there was no way they could've known that they'd been overheard or that Sheppard would assume that they'd meant what they'd said.
"So, what do we do now? He needs to know what really happened and that we want him to stay." Rodney asked.
There was silence and finally Woolsey made a decision. He keyed his comms. "Colonel Sheppard?"
"Yes, Mr. Woolsey?" The cool tone of voice affirmed what his team had been telling him.
"You're needed in the conference room."
"On my way. Sheppard out." Woolsey sighed, normally the Colonel would have questioned him about what was going on, not just blindly agreed to his request.
"He's on his way."
The group waited nervously, wondering what they were going to say to him when he got there. When the doors to the room opened to admit Sheppard, his friends looked at him guiltily. He stopped short just inside the door, taking in the group seated around the table, noting the presence of General O'Neill, who he'd not been told was in the city. His eyes lit on the paperwork in front of each person and he became angry. Striding into the room, he snatched the papers from in front of Lorne, recognizing his transfer request and the letter he'd written to O'Neill. "What the hell is this? This is supposed to be confidential. Sir."
O'Neill decided not to take umbrage with the less than respectful way Sheppard had addressed him. He was right, the paperwork should have been confidential, but the circumstances had warranted him sharing it with the Atlantis personnel. "Colonel Sheppard, please sit."
"I prefer to remain standing. Sir."
Unable to take it, Rodney once again exploded from his chair. "What the hell were you thinking? You can't leave Atlantis!"
Looking at the man he'd thought was one of his best friends, his brother, John said coldly. "I certainly can and I will." He turned to O'Neill. "Have you decided on where I'm to be stationed? Sir."
"Oh sit down Sheppard! We have some things to discuss. I'll make it an order if you need me to."
John sat down, rigidly sitting upright, not meeting the eyes of any of the Atlantis personnel, focusing his attention on General O'Neill. "What things do we need to discuss? Sir. I've made my request and told you the reasons why. You can either approve it or decline it. If you decline it, I will continue to make my request each week until it's approved."
"John…" Teyla began. He turned to look at her coldly, but this time she saw the hurt lurking in his eyes. She swallowed and started again. "John, we think you overheard some things you were not supposed to."
He interrupted her, his words harsh. "I'm sure I wasn't supposed to overhear them, but overhear them I did! I'm just glad to finally know exactly what each of you really thinks of me. It would have been better to tell me the truth from the beginning instead of pretending." He stood up and she followed suit.
"No, John. You did not hear what we really think of you. You overheard us repeating what Dr. Kavanagh thinks of you. And you know our opinion of that…that…"
"Asshole?" Rodney supplied. All eyes turned to him. "What? He is! You all know it, I'm just the only one brave enough to say it."
"John, I had gone to request some parts we needed for your birthday present and he refused to give them to me, telling me that Atlantis would be better off without you. It was all I could do not to, how do you say it? Lay him out cold? You have to know that we all trust and respect you. More than that, we love you. You…you really do not want to leave us, do you?"
He looked bewildered. "My…my birthday present?"
"Yes, a…" Radek began only to change it to a yelp when Rodney hit him, hard.
"Shut up! It's supposed to be a secret!"
"Rodney, honest to god…"
"Stop it!" John said. All eyes turned to him. In a quieter tone he said. "I don't understand."
"Sheppard, you ever hear that old idiom? Eavesdroppers never hear any good of themselves? Well, if you'd eavesdropped a few minutes earlier, all of this could have been avoided." Rodney said.
"I didn't plan on eavesdropping McKay! I was on my way to your lab to see if anyone wanted to get lunch. When I heard Teyla say she wished I'd go through the gate and never come back, that Atlantis would be better off without me, I was rooted to the spot. I waited for someone to laugh, to deny it. Instead I heard the rest of you saying I was stupid and a coward. That I was an idiot who knew nothing about anything and didn't belong here." He tried to hide it but the hurt came through loud and clear.
"None of what you heard was felt by us, Colonel. Instead was just stupid repeating of ridiculous statements of Kavanagh." Radek said.
"Sir?"
"Lorne?"
"If you insist on requesting a transfer, then I'm not staying here. General O'Neill, I formally request to be transferred to wherever Colonel Sheppard is." He stared his C.O. in the eyes.
"You'd do that?"
"Yes sir. You're the best commander I've ever served under and Atlantis just wouldn't be the same without you. Besides, I'm pretty sure whoever takes over, will lose the city to either the Wraith or the Genii within months and I have a very well-developed sense of self preservation. I go where you go."
Sheppard snorted a laugh as Lorne had hoped. Some of the tension left the room. He looked at the faces staring back at him. "Do the rest of you really want me to stay?" The hope in his voice was heartening.
"Aye laddie. Ye're the heart and soul of Atlantis. Without ye, this place would just fall apart. Look, I know what ye overheard was hurtful, but ye need to know that none of it was the true feelings of the ones who said it. We're yer friends, all of us. It was just a stupid misunderstanding." Carson said.
John sat down heavily as he thought of what he'd been told and looked at each of his friends, seeing the truth written there. Somewhat sheepishly he said. "I guess I owe all of you an apology?"
Rodney grinned in relief. "We'll call it even as we owe you an apology as well."
"Done."
Ronon spoke up for the first time. "Just don't do it again! Like Lorne, I think you're one of the best commanders I've ever had. I would never call you a coward as it would be an outright lie. Now, if you heard me say you were lazy, that would be a different story."
Sheppard stared at him and started to laugh. The others joined in and O'Neill stood up. "I'm assuming I can refuse this transfer request Sheppard?"
"Yes sir."
"Good." He tore the papers in half, the others taking the copies in front of them and following suit. Jack rubbed his hands together. "Now, what's to eat?"
~,~,~,~,~
A/N – not sure where this came from. I hope that no one thinks Sheppard behaved childishly, instead acted out of worry that he was a liability to the expedition. In Doppleganger, his evil alternate told him that the thing he feared the most was himself. In Remants, the Sekkari A.I. tells John that he tortures himself every day. Both indicate that John, while showing the world a cocky self-assured persona, is somewhat insecure about his own worth and the decisions he's made, underneath it all.