Disclaimer: What I own… not much. What Epitome owns… Degrassi. Any questions?

5th installment in my continuing series of one-shots depicting characters feelings and thoughts on season 4 events. As always, I make you guess the character (but it's always pretty easy to figure out who it is). If you want to read the other 4 stories, they are:

No Regrets, My Regrets, Too Late for Regret, and Should I Regret That I'm Happy?

There are no spoilers for episodes not seen in the U.S. in this story. Events mentioned in this story end at Back in Black.

Summary: "I came back here, with them, to deal. To give them credit, they are trying to help me. They tell me I have nothing to regret. That I did the right thing. That I had no choice. That it was an accident…" Another character's thoughts on season 4 events.

Nothing to Regret

They treat me like I'm a time bomb, about to explode. I should be used to that… after all, it wasn't too long ago that I was that time bomb. But I'm NOT about to explode now. I came back here, with them, to deal. To give them credit, they are trying to help me. They tell me I have nothing to regret. That I did the right thing. That I had no choice. That it was an accident…

I remember that day so well – even though I keep trying to forget. Isn't it funny how the things you want to forget are always the ones you remember? And all the good things become fuzzy and faded, no matter how much you try to remember them. But the bad things… the bad things are sharp and clear – like looking through a rear view mirror… the bad things are closer than they appear.

A normal school day – get up, get ready, head to school… How could a normal day have turned so wrong? I was in shop class when it all started. The teacher had given me a pass to come down and work on my project, so I got to miss the Trivia contest that all of the students were watching. I didn't find out until later that someone had dropped yellow paint and feathers on Rick's head. And I really didn't care that it happened.

But it was still a normal school day after that, despite the Radditch lecture the whole school was forced to endure. I went to class, ate lunch with Ellie. If I noticed that Emma had strange, yellow, washed out looking stains on her shirt, I wrote that off. Emma wasn't my concern anymore. She had ceased to be that a year ago. Normal school day, just like any other.

I wish it had stayed that way. Stayed a normal school day for me, just like any other. But the yellow paint and feathers – such stupid things, when you think about it – the yellow paint and feathers started a series of events that came barreling at me like a car going down the steepest hill in Toronto at 120 miles per hour with the brake lines cut.

I was in the hallway, gathering my books for my next class, when I heard the noise, loud, like a car backfire, echoing through the school. Then I heard the screams, and the sound of students running through the hallway. I remember thinking "What was that?" as I turned toward the noise. I saw Emma start heading down the hallway, walking towards the noise, as Toby and I followed. The school was silent now, too silent, more silent than I have ever heard the school be, even on that day of Saturday detention, when the school was empty except for Radditch, Hazel, Jimmy, Toby, Ellie, and I.

The three of us stopped suddenly, as we saw the lone student walking down the hall. It was too quiet. He came closer to us, and I saw he was carrying something in his hand. My mind did not register at first what it was. I mean, why should it? Who brings a gun to school? Rick did… It took me a moment to figure out he was serious… He was going to shoot Emma – I don't remember what he said, something about kissing her and her flirting with him… But for this, he wanted to kill her. I tried to get her out of there, but he stopped us, he was serious.

I kept waiting for Emma, to step up, to say something, but Emma… she was too scared to say anything. So I stepped forward, tried to talk him down… I starting reaching for the gun… I almost had him… and he raised the gun, and pointed it at Emma… I heard her gasp, I grabbed the gun, and we wrestled, as the trigger got pulled… I heard the shot, felt warm liquid… I thought I had pissed myself… as we fell to the floor… and I realize I was drenched in blood… Rick's blood…

So now I came back to mom and dad, to deal. That's what I told Jay that day, the day I left Ellie, the day I watched Emma looking at me through the back window of Jay's car. The day I said goodbye to my old life… at Degrassi.

Ellie thinks I ran away. She doesn't say it, but I know that's what she feels. Maybe I did, but I really didn't have any other choice. To stay… I couldn't stay. So I ran home to mom and dad, leaving my old life behind. I haven't spoken to anyone there since… except for the brief phone call to Ellie to ask for my things… she barely spoke to me on the phone, and I somehow sensed her holding the phone to her ear and snapping the rubber band on her wrist as she gave me her one word responses. And I wish I could go back… to her, and Emma, and Jay… to those closest to me… but I cannot.

Why can't I go back? I can't go back to a place where the guilt would eat away at me every time I walked down the hall. They tell me I have nothing to regret… That I did the right thing… That I saved Emma's life… That I was a hero. But I do not feel like a hero. Someone died, by my hand… no matter if it was an accident or how many lives I saved. Someone died, by my hand. They tell me I have nothing to regret… and I try to remember this… nothing to regret… but I find I can't believe that. Someone died….