Disclaimer: Characters aren't mine…
A/N: I'm not completely satisfied with how this turned out, but I've been working on it for a while and this is all I'm getting out of it. I've got tons of stories flying around in my head right now, and it's making it hard to focus on a single one and actually get it finished.
It had been well over a year since she had knocked on Olivia's door uninvited. It had been almost a year since she knew she would be allowed entrance, invitation or not. Alex knew that she didn't deserve entrance into Olivia's apartment or life, but she also knew that she desperately wanted it, needed it.
Olivia was silent after she opened the door, leaning against the doorjamb studying Alex. After a short period of just studying each other, Olivia finally sighed. "What do you want Alex?"
"I, uh, I lost something. I wanted to see if I could find it," Alex said nervously.
Olivia walked back into her apartment, leaving the door open in silent invitation. "Took you long enough to come looking for it," she said over her shoulder as she made her way to the kitchen.
Alex slowly made her way in and shut the door. "I know," she said as she took off her jacket and placed it on the couch. "I'm sorry," she said barely above a whisper to Olivia's back. If it had been anyone but Olivia, she would have wondered if they had heard her, but she knew Olivia had.
At those words she had longed to hear so long ago where finally said, Olivia stopped short of the kitchen and turned around. "Just what are you sorry for Alex? Are you sorry for returning and acting as if we don't exist? Are you sorry for getting mad when I didn't fall at your feet when you finally deemed it necessary to finally seek me out? Are you sorry for sleeping with Jim Steele when we were finally working our way back to something? Are you sorry for acting like it was my fault I didn't exactly feel very friendly towards you afterwards? What is it exactly you're sorry for Alex, huh?" She spit out the questions, voice growing more heated with each.
"All of it," Alex said sincerely, tears beginning to fill her eyes. "I handled it all horribly! When I came back, I was so afraid that all the fantasies of my homecoming I had built up would be horribly off base. And then so much time passed that I was afraid to face you. And I was angry that you didn't fall all over me when I finally came around, because in my mind that's how it was supposed to be, you were mine and I was yours."
She paused taking a deep breath before continuing onto the Jim apology. Of all her fuck-ups she had made with Olivia that was the one that she knew hurt Olivia the most and that she most regretted. "And Jim…everything was so messed up Olivia. I shouldn't have jumped into work like I did. I shouldn't have cut you or the guys at the precinct out of my life. I shouldn't have acted the way I did towards you at all. And then he was there, and he wanted me, and I just wanted to step outside myself for a moment. To be able to be someone else. Which is totally fucked-up since I had just returned from the program and having to be someone else."
She finally looked up to meet Olivia's eyes that she had been actively avoiding since beginning her apologies. Instead of meeting her eyes though, she was greeted by a view of her back as she was staring out the window. Alex unconsciously let the tears she had been holding at bay fall at the perceived rejection.
After several silent, stretched out minutes, Alex brought herself back together. She wiped the tears from her face and rose from the couch. She made her way to stand beside Olivia, who had stayed completely still the entire time.
Alex looked out the window a moment remember how this spot had been a favorite of hers and Olivia's before everything had gone to hell. There had been an atrociously ugly one and a half man chair that use to sit there, but it had been as comfortable as it was ugly. Almost every night they had together away from work Alex would find herself sitting in that chair wrapped in Olivia's arms.
It had perplexed her how still and silent Olivia could be for unbelievably long amounts of time. She would sit silent as long as possible, but finally the silence would begin to get to her and she would start rambling about everything and nothing. The entire time Olivia would sit silent and completely still, eyes focused somewhere out the window, but Alex somehow knew that she wasn't ignoring her. That everything she was saying was being listened to and digested.
She finally turned to study Olivia's profile. Even if Olivia wouldn't take her back, she could at least give her a glimpse as to one of the many things she missed about them she decided.
"Your eyes used to light up when I walked into a room. It was so brief, there then gone, that I didn't even notice it. My mother had to point it out to me," she said with a chuckle. "It was at that family barbeque; we'd been together for seven or eight months. She walked up to me towards the end of the day, handed me a drink, and said 'She loves you'. I was shocked. I mean, I knew we were serious, and I knew that I loved you, but it had taken me so long to get that close to you that I hadn't even wanted to hope you would love me then. She could see it written on my face I guess. 'It's in her eyes Alexandra,' she told me.
"I watched you for weeks after that, and I never saw it. And then one day you were busy with something when I walked in; you hadn't heard me. I watched for you to notice, and the second you saw me, I saw it. It was just a flash. So quick that I almost thought I had imagined it. Every single time after that, I tried to keep my eyes on only you when I went into the squad room. I knew that I had to meet your eyes the second you saw me or I'd miss it. You were always so guarded with your emotions, it never lasted long, and that almost made it that much sweeter.
"After a year or so, it was there every time we were alone together. I didn't have to wait to try and catch it anymore. I think the best part about being able to see it all the time was the fact that you trusted me enough to let me in and see it.
"When I finally came to you after I was back, it was there but it was tinged with sympathy and regret. I vowed to myself that I would do whatever I could to wipe everything else away except for the love. That I would be strong for you so that you wouldn't feel sorry for everything I'd been through. That I'd live my life so that you wouldn't feel everything had been stolen from me. And that pressure I put on myself just made it that much harder for me. And then after Jim, it had all but faded away with all the anger and pain.
"And I've missed all of it so much: you, your eyes, us, the me I am when I'm with you. So I came tonight to see if there was even a glimpse of a chance that you still had that light in your eyes. That there was even the slightest possibility that I could do anything to make it up to you, for us to maybe get back what we once had."
She turned again to study Olivia who was still infuriatingly silent in still. Alex finally released the breath she hadn't realized she was holding when she decided Olivia wouldn't be responding. She stopped mid-turn when she heard, "And?" Olivia continued at Alex's raised eyebrow. "Well, what'd you see? Is it still there?"
Olivia finally turned to face her, and Alex began to hungrily devour the sight of her. It was as if she had been going through a famine without Olivia, and now that she was standing before her, she had to horde as much as possible in case another famine was to occur.
Alex recognized that Olivia would allow her to put off answering as long as she wished, the woman had too much patience for her own good sometimes, but Alex was hoping that Olivia's obvious interest in her answer was a good sign for her, for them. "I'm not completely sure," she answered honestly. "There are too many emotions to decipher them completely. Anger is obvious, and I know I deserve it the most. Hurt is there, which I hate that I have put there, but I'm conceited enough to think that to be hurt means you still have emotions invested," she said with a soft smile. "Confusion, as to why I'm here after all this time I'm sure. And many others I can't name. I can only hope that love is amongst them." She paused, still trying to study Olivia's eyes. She finally asked, "Am I wrong? Is it gone? Are we done forever?" Alex witnessed Olivia release a deep breath and tried to mentally prepare herself for rejection.
"I don't know Alex. You know the past can't be forgotten and the future is too unsure. How do I know I can trust you again not to hurt me? How do you know I won't hurt you this time?" She shook her head softly. "I just…I don't know Alex." She looked directly into Alex's eyes wondering what she would see. There was regret, fear, hope, but above all, love.
"Would you be willing to stick around and see?" she finally asked. She hoped above all hope that she wasn't setting herself up for heartache all over again, but she knew she couldn't turn Alex away. Alex was the love of her life. And how could you turn away the possibility of forever?
"Yes," Alex said breathlessly without a moment's hesitation, a soft smile on her face and tears in her eyes.