Disclaimer:
I do not own any of the characters, objects, or people referenced here. I also am an HP fan and have the highest respect for J.K. Rowling and her work, this is just something I thought would be fun to do. Warning: there is some (very) mild, implied slash, and strong language.
So, here it is...Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows, in five microsoft word pages.
Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows….in Five Pages!
(Malfoy Manor)
Lord Voldemort: I is the most powerful of dem all!!! Yet I still can't kill a 17-year-old boy with all the emotional maturity of a PMS-ing 13- year-old girl!!!
Snape: Yeah, Yeah. You know, it was really interesting THE FIRST FOUR HUNDRED TIMES WE HEARD IT.
Bellatrix: How about a Senseless Death, honeypie? That always cheers you up!!!
Lord Voldemort: MWAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!!!
(Abandoned Dursley's house)
Harry: Yes!!! My wicked stepfamily has gone forever!! Time to PAR-TAY!!!
Lupin: Hello Harry, we've come to rescue you with a very far-fetched escape plan that most likely will not work because it's apparently supposed to be the scariest book in the series, but who cares!!!
Harry: *grumbles* Hate you ALL.
(Escape. Death Eater Attack. Arrival at Burrow)
Harry: I'll go in order to protect you all…Because…*ominous music*…whatever life holds in store for me, I will never forget these words: "With great power comes great responsibility." This is my gift, my curse…
Ron: Oh please, don't go all Spider-Man on us. I'm here to help you. Because I…uh, I mean WE love you. Yes. That's right. We.
(Harry's Birthday)
Ginny: I know you think we can't be together, but can't you respect me enough to let me make my own decision? I know there'll be risks but I want to face them with you. It's wrong that we should be only half alive... half of ourselves. I love you. So here I am - standing in your doorway. I have always been standing in your doorway…
Harry: I know Ginny, but right now there are bigger things happening than me and you.
(Kiss. Interruption)
Ron: Stop it, or Tobey Maguire and Kirsten Dunst are gonna SUE YOUR COLLECTIVE ASS.
(Wedding. Death Eater Attack. Escape to Grimmauld Place)
Ugly Garrulous House Elf: Eww! Invasion of personal sulking space!!!
Hermione: Aaw, does somebody need a hug???
Ugly Garrulous House-Elf: AAAAAHHHH!!! It BUUUURRRNNNNNSSSSSS!!!!!! *runs away*
(Ministry Break-in. Search for Horcrux-locket-whatever-the-hell-it-is. Meanwhile, at J.K's lair…)
J.K. Rowling: Let's see, weve done J.R.R. Tolkein, T.H. White, E. Nesbit, C.S. Lewis…what other Great British Author is there to steal…I mean, "borrow" from? Oh, how about some nice GEORGE ORWELL.
Umbridge: *wearing Horcrux-locket-whatever-the-hell-it-is* BIG BROTHER IS WATCHING YOU.
Harry: *looking at Horcrux-locket-whatever-the-hell-it-is* Oooh!! SHINY OBJECT.
(Theft of Horcrux-locket-whatever-the-hell-it-is. Escape. Ron puts it on and turns into Smeagol)
Ron: *stroking it* My precious, my precious, let us find some fishesssssssssss!!
Harry: Ron, take that off. You look like a pimp.
Ron: AAAHH!!! You stole the precious!! We is not together anymore!!! We will leave you so you can go to Mordor and DIE!!!
(Ron leaves)
Harry: Let's go back to my birthplace so I can grieve over my dead family and relive traumatic memories because sorrow and guilt over my parents' deaths make me feel ALIVE!!.
(Conveniently-Placed Cottage #1)
Hermione: Oh well, I guess THE ENTIRE WIZARDING UNIVERSE will let emo-boy here take a personal day, Voldemort would NEVER attack him while he's grieving for his parents who have been dead for SIXTEEN YEARS!!!!
(Nagashton the Death Snake appears)
Nagashton the Death Snake: YOU JUST GOT PUNK'D, BITCHEEEZZZZZZZ!!!!!!
(Attack. Wand breaks)
Harry: Oh SNAP. No pun intended, of course.
(Harry sees Silver Doe Patronus.)
Harry: Ooh!!! SHINY OBJECT.
(Runs after Patronus and bumps into Ron. Evil specters emerge from Horcrux-locket-whatever-the-hell-it-is)
Evil Specters: Hello, we're called IGNORANCE and WANT and on our foreheads is written DOOM. We're on loan from the 1900th film adaptation of A Christmas Carol.
Harry: Stab the Dickensian knockoffs, Ron!! *examines boy Specter* Hey my nose is not THAT big.
Ron: *eyes go blank and possessed* THE RING IS MINE!!!
(Specters Kiss)
Ron: Hey, get your hands off him!! HE'S MINE!!! *stabs Horcrux-locket-whatever-the hell-it-is and reverts back into Samwise Gamgee* Oh, Mr. Harry…*attempts to hug*
Harry: *backs away* Get lost you turncoat freak. You're only here for Comic Relief.
Rupert Grint: Tell me about it.
(Encounter with Crazy Dad of Crazy Friend. Load of Vital Information about Deathly Hallows. Capture by Death-Eaters and taken to Malfoy Manor)
Hermione: PARLAY!!! According to the Code of the Brethren…
Bellatrix: Yeah, yeah, I've seen Pirates of the Caribbean, and you should know that that NEVER WORKS.
(Back in J.K's lair)
J.K. Rowling: OK, time to throw in a death that NO ONE expects, after all we haven't had one in almost ten pages…
(Torture. Rescue by Cuddly Lovable House Elf, who promptly then dies, his usefulness to the plot having expired.)
Fandom: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! CURSE YOU J.K!!!!!!! IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE HAGRID!!!!!
(J.K. laughs evilly. Conveniently Placed Cottage #2)
Goblin: How about I help you get what you're looking for?
Harry: How do we know you're not in this for your own gain?
Goblin: I'm a GOBLIN, mate. Savvy?
(Gringotts Break-in. Goblin steals sword)
Harry: You cheated!!
Goblin: GOBLIN!!! *runs away*
(Somehow make it to Hogwarts. Harry and Crazy Friend go to Ravenclaw Tower to find a Horcrux-something-of Gryffindor-something of-…oh, forget it.)
Ravenclaw Entrance: What is your name? What is your quest? What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?
Harry: I don't…
Crazy Friend: African or European?
Ravenclaw Entrance: Aw crud, go ahead. *opens*
Harry: How did you know how to do that?
Crazy Friend: *Dreamy Smile*
(Death Eater Attack and Battle ensues)
Students and Professors: THIS! IS! HOGWARTS!
(Many Senseless Deaths later.)
Ron: *rescues house-elves*
Hermione: Oh Ron, you're wonderful!! *kiss*
Ron: EEW!! COOTIES!! I've been kissed by a GIRL!!!
Katy Perry: AND HE LIKED IT!!!!
(Battle Continues)
Snape: Harry. I am your father.
Harry: O_O
Snape: Well, I should have been. Anyways,nice knowing you.
(Dies. I-told-you so's promptly begin from fandom)
J.K. Rowling: Now to confuse everyone with a BIG DRAMATIC DEATH SCENE, because it's in the contra...I mean, because this is the way it's been in my head ever since I came up with the idea!
Harry: "To be or not to be, that is the question. Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune…" Aw shit, can't remember the rest. "Out, out, brief candle…"
Lord Voldemort: HEEHEE!!! I winz!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Harry: What?? No humiliating mutilation and torture before I die a slow painful death that is really an allegory of Christian beliefs?
Lord Voldemort: Oh, don't get all Chronicles of Narnia on me. J.K. doesn't want to appear Religiously Biased in Any Way. *kills Harry*
(Completely Random Limbo between death and life)
Dumbledore: "Picture yourself in a boat on the river, with tangerine trees and marmalade skies…"
Harry: Um, yah, you're not gonna be any help at all are you?
Dumbledore: "All you need is love!!"
Harry: Right, so you've been saying. FOR SEVEN FLIPPING BOOKS NOW.
(Pulls an Aslan. More Battling and Senseless Deaths. Much weeping from Fandom. Reptilian Decapitation.)
Mrs. Weasley: NOT MY DAUGHTER, YOU BITCH!!!
Bellatrix: Hey, this series is rated PG! You can't say that!
Mrs. Weasley: BOO YOU WHORE. *kills Bellatrix*
(Harry comes back to life)
Harry: Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die!!
Lord Voldemort: OH NO you don't!!!! I'm INVINCIBLE!!!
Harry: You're a loony. *kills Voldemort*
(Nineteen Years Later)
Ginny: Bye-bye kiddies! Don't do drugs!
Albus Severus Potter: WHAT THE FUCK J.K. MY SIBLINGS AND I ARE ALL NAMED AFTER DEAD PEOPLE AND I HAVE THE WORST POSSIBLE NAME IN ALL OF FUCKING CREATION WHAT THE FLYING FUCK.
Renesmee "Nessie" Cullen: That's what you think.
Harry: Oh be quiet, your peoples' hype hasn't even started yet.
THE END.