Disclaimer: I don't own DC comics or J'onn J'onzz, if I did, we would have more new episodes and I'd have a J'onn plushie.

Author's Notes: A fanfic set in the animated series. Immediately after 'A Knight of Shadows' and deals with what J'onn is feeling after his events and actions during that episode. Since this is not my usual fanfic series to write in (usually I write STC Sonic the Comic fanfics) I will write more if people ask, I'm unsure if I should or not, so your reviews are very important.

Recovery

: Redemption :

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As the human form of Etrigan vanished into the mists, J'onn could still hear his words echoing in his thoughts, along with those of his friends. Friends, who in his longing for his family, had almost died, because he had cared more for himself and his own happiness, than for their well-being. He had known, deep down, in the core of his being, that Le Fay would not have given him what she promised, but blindly he had ignored it, following what seemed the last chance he had for true happiness.

Because of that, he had almost doomed the planet, his new home. And also, his friends... his new family.

A weary feeling washed over him, and he was reminded of the battle before, so lost in his thoughts he did not sense Diana come up to him and it was only when she placed her hand on his shoulder that he did stir, breaking himself away from them to notice her.

"We're going back now J'onn..." she told him "You are coming...aren't you?"

Her voice was laced with concern, which she did not disguise. After a few moments, J'onn shook his head slightly "I am sorry" he began, his deep voice subdued, his eyes, seeing the faces of his friends fall, they obviously felt they knew what he would say, but J'onn kept speaking

"My judgement..." he trailed off, how could he explain what he was feeling, the burning guilt and pain inside "...was made because I felt, that after putting all your lives in danger because of a promise which was not set in stone, you would be angry, and at best, uncomfortable working with me..." He had to fight to prevent the feeling of despair from showing itself physically, which took agonizing seconds to do, each one stretching out to seem like an eternity.

"J'onn"

His voice breaking the silence, Batman walked over, he did not offer any physical comfort, as Diana had, but that, J'onn knew, was not due to him, but was simply part of the personality that was him, but he could sense, that somehow, he was understood.

"We don't blame you for wanting your family back, if it happened to any of us, I'm sure we would all have the same reaction. What was important was that in the end, you did the right thing." A small smile flitted across Batman's face "It might sound corny, but it's true"

J'onn nodded, still unable to smile back.

"During the battle, I told Etrigan I trusted you with my life, I still do"

"Thank you" J'onn murmured, each time they battled together, he learnt more about the dark knight, and if trust was hard for him to have, then he felt honoured to have it. The midnight winds swept through the street, ruffling their clothes and each became more aware of the impending cold, turning to make their way to the Javelin. Batman's finger pressed on a button and the hanger doorway opened and descended, he entered first, Flash behind him.

Diana stepped onto the ramp, looking back to see J'onn behind her, she backed up a few more steps so that he could step onto the ramp, and saw as his foot connected with the raised connector and he stumbled, she raced forward, catching him before he fell onto the ramp, worried, she remained for a second or two until he rose from her support, one hand to his head. She looked into his eyes and was shocked to see how dull they looked, in the space of minutes, he looked weary.

"J'onn, are you alright?"

J'onn glanced up, meeting her full gaze, he let his hand fall to his side, the traces of a headache beginning to make itself known, her words came through to his hearing as if through a fog, which cleared as he nodded, twinges of pain vibrating through his head, he took a sharp, but quiet intake of breath at this sudden pain.

"I am tired," he admitted "but I am fine"

Diana frowned "how long has it been since you slept?" J'onn looked away from her, not wanting to meet her gaze "J'onn!" she said sharply

"Several days" he admitted

"Since this all started?"

J'onn didn't say anything, one hand resting on the walls for what Diana assumed was support, this worried her, he always seemed strong, and to see him
this weary, was disconcerting. She sighed inwardly.

"You'll rest when we get back to the Watchtower?"

It was not a question.

"Of course" he replied, smiling faintly, as much of one as he felt able to give and made his way up into the body of the Javelin, her presence behind him, the movement
of the ramp pulling upwards and the hum of the engines making the floor shudder slightly. Both of the other inhabitants glanced at them, Batman saying nothing, but exchanging a look with Diana, while Flash smirked, giving the impression he didn't know what was going on. As usual.

The lift from the ground was smooth, as was the flight, the craft making full use of the advanced technology and materials used in its construction. Gazing out of the craft's clear shell, J'onn let his thoughts wander...could his friends ever feel the same way about him again, would they even want to call him friend...even though they assured him nothing had changed, J'onn could not prevent himself from feeling the heavy guilt, which sat on him much like a substantial weight.

The throbbing in his head was more constant and he stopped his thoughts. But this did not lessen it any and he closed his eyes, using a technique he had learned as a child to omit the surroundings and fool the body into believing nothing around it but calming air, a cool breeze drifting across, easing the tension like it was simply lifted from him and taken away...He floated in this feeling, calming himself and letting his pain and guilt separate from him, still able to sense, but as if they were not part of him...

"J'onn?"

The vision vanished and the throbbing returned as before, opening his eyes he saw Diana leaning over him, concerned eyes set on him. She offered a hand, which he accepted and stood, standing and waiting for the increased pulse in his head to die down. The distant movement of the Javelin had stopped, which meant they were back in the Watchtower.

"I...am fine" he answered to her, Diana frowned.

"I'm worried J'onn... I tried to get your attention on our return, but you didn't seem to notice" J'onn mentally berated himself, by using the meditative technique, he had failed to notice anything or anyone surrounding him, which was more worrying to his friends than if he had responded. He offered a quick apology to Diana, who accepted it, with a suspicious look, then both left the Javelin, entering the large hanger space in which the craft along with other technologies resided. Making his way to the doorway, J'onn began to punch in the code for the security lock; each digit indentated prompted a short beep, vibrating a short spasm of pain in his head.

This done, J'onn stepped to the door, allowing the automatic function time for the doors to slide open, stepping through silently, followed by Diana. Always one to gauge the others condition, J'onn was unaccustomed to the Amazon's watchful eyes as the doors shut. He thought for a second, a fresh wave of pain in his head making him raise his hand, a small groan escaping his lips, but not Diana's hearing.

"Are you alright J'onn?"

He rubbed at his temple with his hand, letting it and his arm fall to his side. He felt infinitely tired, the stress of the exertion and the events of the last few days taking its toll. As a Martian, he could survive without rest for days if necessary, as he had done when guarding the doorway where the conquered invaders of his home had been imprisoned. He had not rested for much then, leaving most of his rest to a hibernation cycle, which he would withdraw into perhaps every few months, or even as much as a year, when the strain of fatigue proved too much. Sleep had not been of much importance then, since the time awake was spent either in meditation or deep thought. But here on Earth, where much of his time was taken up with rescues, battling villains and other things that came with being a 'hero', rest was of far more importance.

Vision blurring slightly from fatigue, he nodded to Diana "It is nothing"

She frowned "It doesn't seem like nothing"

"It is merely a headache" he admitted reluctantly "I will rest" he assured her "and I shall be fine" nodding, Diana began walking down an opposite corridor, and when she disappeared out of sight, J'onn allowed himself to lean against the wall, his hand massaging his temple once more, the small throbbing that had been there before was now less, but every movement he made reminded him of it's presence. The lack of sleep and use of his telepathic abilities had exhausted him, and the fear and guilt eating away at him did nothing to help.

He turned and began walking in the direction for his room, though it would be far easier to use his intangible state and phase through the walls, he did not feel he had the strength to use it. The journey seemed to take forever and he was thankful that none of his friends were around to see him in this state, after the weakness he had shown today it would only worry them further, and he did not wish his troubles on them, however heavy they were.

Entering the room, J'onn let out a sigh of relief, making his way to the bed. He, along with all the others, had quarters; his were slightly larger than the rest, owing to the fact that he did not have a separate life... and home, down on Earth. This thought sent a pang to his heart and again he remembered the mistake he had almost made today, and back to their first battle, when, at the end, Superman had asked him if he would be able to consider Earth his new home.

And he had tried, occasionally he would use his shape changing abilities to shift into a human guise and walk among them, free of the watchful gazes and wide eyes he received as a member of the league in battle, but as comforting as being able to be amongst humans without fear was, he felt more comfortable in this form, which he had taken on coming to Earth. His original Martian look was now left in the same place as his memories, both had the same green skin and amber eyes, but the original belonged to his life more than five hundred years ago on Mars, and this to his new life on Earth.

But did he truly believe it could be...

"Earth..." he tentively murmured "Home...?"

But the words did not seem to fit together, however hard he tried. Wearily, for he felt his exhaustion more than ever, he lay down on the soft bed, which looked much like those in the medical bay, letting his head settle on a pillow, and in the space of seconds, was deeply asleep.
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Darkness...

It was everywhere and like a dark blanket it covered everything he could see, or rather, could not see, for there was no light in this place. Lifting his head, which felt strangely heavy, he moved his hands, finding the reason for the lack of mobility, a block of stone, though it seemed to be of a material much heavier than stone, without light, he could not see it. His hands were also weighed down with it, but his feet were not.

Shifting his position, one hand came to rest against a wall, discovering the area where he sat to be small, enough to accommodate his body, and nothing more. He was not claustrophobic but the lack of space was enough to increase his heart rate and breathing, his eyes were wide and his breaths came out harsh and ragged. Why did he feel such terror, no danger seemed imminent and he could feel air coming from somewhere...

...Put simply, it was the fear of the unknown. How he came to be there and why he was there, and since he did not know that, such was his fear.

However long he was there, sitting, hunched in the small enclosed space, was unable to be measured in any sense, mechanical or mental, but had it been a minute, it felt like hours, the darkness seeming to grow and the walls coming closer to his form.

It was then the light came.

Blinding him, he felt, rather than saw, the person pushing him, boots impacting on uneven slabs, skin warmed by the sun, yet cooled by the wind. Coming from the pit, it felt too good to describe. But when eyes, finally adjusting to the light, opened, his euphoria changed into a view too horrible to put words to.

Seeing destruction on a large scale before, back on Mars, when the invaders had come with the goal of claiming the planet as their own, structures reduced to rubble, the sky dark with grey clouds which blocked any light, if there was any. Then in the ruins of Coast City, in the alternate universe, and many other battles. So he was used to such a thing. What he saw with opening eyes, took him back in time to those encounters.

Stood in a city, as it appeared to be from the ruins, he glanced back to see a figure, it's back to him, slamming a door, which led to the room he had been imprisoned in. Now able to see, he watched humans slaving away, some shifting blocks of stone, others planks of wood or metal, but each and every one with a look of complete misery etched on their face.

He turned, trying to see what they were building, catching a glance of some kind of building before his captors noticed his wandering mind and lack of movement, one coming towards him.

Pushed forward, he saw his captors were the same demons that LeFay had sent to the Watchtower, though he had only seen them briefly on the security screen. Their expressions were neutral, no joy, no sorrow, no emotions of any kind, only the dark eyes which watched him. When he remained immobile, a stick...or something, jabbed into his side, pain rushing through him, like none before, his thoughts becoming jumbled and vision growing dark...

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J'onn bolted upright, the thin sheet falling down around him, his breathing was harsh, drops of sweat pouring down his face, holding up a hand to wipe them away, he saw it was shaking, like the rest of his body. Why did the dream unnerve him so much, the darkness, although not real, still seemed to grip him, and he pushed himself off the bed, pacing around the room to try and gain some sense of equilibrium. His telepathic abilities, a powerful tool against evil, became a curse in nightmares, his unconscious mind being able to create pain, to increase the realism.

Unable to sleep now, J'onn left the room, he did not feel as tired now, not in the physical sense at least, but a weary feeling still hovered at the edge of his senses, shaking his head to try and clear it, he needed to do something to take his attention, perhaps he could take over for whoever was on monitor duty. If not, he would attempt another try at the meditation technique he used earlier, without distractions, its effectiveness could be increased.

J'onn hoped that it would heal whatever was wrong with him, for if it could not, his resignation would be more than a guilt laden apology, it would be real.