A/N: I gotta say, t'isn't my usual jazz folks. It appears that Fred, the muse, decided that he was feeling a little bit of... none fluff? For like... a whole oneshot. Hence why he's a boy, it's better to blame boys. Either way, I thought this would be something different and would be fun to try it out. And it took my mind of some RL things, which is always good, I guess. I mean you guys always benefit/suffer. haha. Read on and have a look/see. Let me know what you thought. As always, it's much appreciated :D
Lindsay sighed as she prodded Lucy's nose while carrying her bubbly daughter. In the kitchen she could hear the sounds of Danny loading the dishwasher and making himself a cup of coffee.
Upon hearing his wife and daughter slowly emerging from their bedroom, Danny smiled as he leaned against the counter - despite his frustrations with his wife. Lucy's giggles and Lindsay's soft words as she spoke to Lucy never failed to warm his heart. No matter what mood he happened to be in.
"Mornin'," he hollered before turning around, and giving his coffee cup the attention it had beforehand.
"Morning," she returned politely as she and Lucy headed into the kitchen. "You're in a better mood now." she stated.
"I was fine before," he returned in a huff, the smile fast disappearing from his face as he ripped open the refrigerator and grabbed the gallon of milk.
"Oh yeah?" she asked, unimpressed with raised eyebrows as she forgot how happy she was with Lucy mere moments ago. "Usually we go to sleep on better terms than, 'you need to stop talking to me right now, turn around and leave me the fuck alone,' I think…'"
"Lindsay, you were completely unreasonable!" he spat as he slammed milk onto the counter, startling Lucy in Lindsay's arms.
"I was unreasonable?!" She implored as she bounced the little girl against her chest, holding her close. "Really? You think so…"
"Yeah, actually… I do. I think you were completely out'o line with what you were wantin' me to do."
"You're making it out as if I wanted to you to go and freakin' trek across the Antarctica barefooted! I wanted waffles! Waffles, Danny. Was that really that unreasonable?"
"Ah, ah, ah… You wanted me-" He emphasised by prodding his chest with his index finger. "To make your waffles. At three am." Danny spat. "While we were out of waffles, syrup and butter, therefore meant me having to go to the store; again at three am. Slightly unreasonable, Linds, don'tcha think?"
Lindsay pointed to her daughter in her arms. "Slightly unreasonable?" She asked. "Really, Danny… when I'm here holding your daughter? That I happened to carry for nine months… Who I am incidentally still carrying now…"
"Don't go throwing that in my face!" he spat. "I move mountains for you, and you know it… Me not going out at three am for Eggo waffles is not me being unreasonable. If you were pregnant, you know all you would have had to do was ask, and I would have been asking what you wanted on top, and whether you wanted them cut up or not, but Linds, come on… give me a break. I had been up four times with her and…"
"So what… now I'm not pregnant, that's it…" she cut him off. "Husband and father roles are out the window now the novelty's warn off and you slip into the kind of guy that lays on the couch watching the game, bags of chips and beer around him while I juggle Lucy, the house and work… And you take her when she's wanting her daddy and only when she wants her daddy... is that it?" She ranted.
"Oh come on… we're both tired. Can we just leave this? I don't want to argue with you about this petty stuff. You think I'm unreasonable, I think you're unreasonable. Can we not just agree to disagree? And leave each other alone for a few to cool off?"
She opened her mouth to argue that idea, but Lucy flailed in her arms and let out a shrill cry.
Comforting her daughter, Lindsay shot a glare at her husband before turning on her heel and heading back to the bedroom. Danny could still hear Lucy's shrill wails, even after Lindsay had made a point of slamming the door, twice; for effect and to inform him that if he hadn't already caught her drift… she was pissed.
He growled as he shoved away the opened milk, making it spill over the countertop, earning an expletive from the new and frustrated father and husband.
He loved her… He really did, he knew that. But sometimes, he really questioned how ready they were for a marriage. He wasn't used to arguing with her and striving forwards, making things right - all in the same day... All he had ever known was all or nothing with her. They were either disgustingly happy with not a care in the world; or they didn't speak unless it was at work, and strictly professional and it was short and sharp at that.
Forever was something he was still trying to get used to.
He didn't mean to throw the hurtful words her way, but when he was at breaking point, and feeling overwhelmed, it seemed that she was the only person that would understand how he was feeling. And instead of communicating how he was feeling, he'd get in a mood, shout at her, and make her feel an inch big just because he could, he was mad, and wanted to take it out on someone who cared.
Granted, he wasn't the only guilty party in this on going saga between them both; she took things out on him too. But he couldn't help but feel a little more responsible for everything going on between them. She had given him his daughter, and she was his wife. He knew he should just take a deep breath, step back and look at the situation with a level head. It was just that putting all of that into practice was proving to be difficult.
He knew that for both of them it was hard to breathe. They were both going through extremely new things, which was fine. What the problem was, Danny figured, was the fact that they were experiencing these new things seperately. They weren't a solid team. They tried. But with their jobs they hadn't been able to establish a routine and security, not for Lucy, but for themselves.
And, on top of their adjustments to their relationship and daughter, they had the underlying issue of the past year.
He could still hear the door slamming in his face after the times he had gathered the courage to go to her place to beg her to let him talk to her after she had opened his eyes in their office. He could still hear her tears as she cried on the other side of the door. Granted the sounds and memories were fading with time, but they still tugged on his heart.
He knew for a fact that sorry was never enough for what he had done. He knew that no matter how many times he said 'I love you' and meant it from the bottom of his heart, it still didn't make up for what he had done to her. He could still see the hurt and heartbreak in her eyes, simmering below the surface, pushed out of her mind as she tried to stay focused on what was more important.
It was the hurt and heartbreak in her eyes that, he figured, sometimes brought about the anger he expressed.
He knew sorry never cut it. He knew that I love you was so little. He knew that he couldn't take it back. And all of those things cut him deep.
What made it managable was that she knew that when he said he was sorry, he was truly sorry, and she accepted it. She knew that when he said 'I love you', he meant it from the bottom of his heart. And she knew that if he could take it back, he would.
And it was because of her kindness, her selflessness, and her love for him that he just needed a second to let his frustration at himself and his actions out.
But with that one second, the damage had been done.
The night that Lucy had been conceived, they had both made a promise to the other to communicate. To make their relationship work. They had made promises of letting the other in. And despite that plan and those promises temporarily going out the window as they focused on the most important thing in their life, the promises still stood.
And he'd be damned if he wasn't going to keep those promises he had made to her.
Taking a deep breath, and sucking up his manhood, he made his way through the apartment, dodging Lucy's baby toys as he did so.
Knocking on the door, he took a deep breath before walking in and offering her an encouraging smile as she stared at him, no expression on her face, but evident tear tracks on her cheeks.
"Linds…" He sighed.
"Don't start, alright…" She sighed heavily, trying to disguise her sniffs and splutters from her tears. "just… don't."
"I'm sorry." he said instantly. "I don't mean what I've said. You're not unreasonable. I keep saying things that are hurting you, and I don't mean them. You know that I love you. I love you and Lucy more than anything. I'm just adjusting to my life with you guys, and still have some of my selfish tendencies. I went from not having to worry about anyone but myself, to having a wife and daughter that depend on me. You know me, and you know what I used to be like. I've had a personality makeover and I'm working out the kinks."
She shrugged as she broke the eye contact he was holding with her. "Sometimes…"
"Sometimes I make you feel like crap and that's not right." he nodded. "I know I'm not the guy that you deserve, Linds… I know that. I can try to be this perfect husband and father, but I'm not that guy. I can only try my best and be myself."
"That's what I want!" She cried. "That's exactly what I want. I want you to be yourself. I fell in love with you… I didn't fall in love with the perfect husband and father. Hell, there's about nineteen guys I could marry back in Montana if that was the case. I chose you, and love you. You just… You never give me the chance to show you that. You always doubt yourself, and it's not fair!"
"But you wanted waffles and I wouldn't get them." Danny reminded her. "I…"
"For the love of… Danny… This isn't about waffles!"
"I thought that you wanted waffles. We were arguing about waffles last night, right? I didn't KO and think we were talking about waffles when we weren't really talking about waffles and something major that matters to you, because if I got confused and started talking about waffles..."
"You're rambling." She told him. "We were arguing about waffles, but... but as opposed to you jumping down my throat, like you did, I thought you would have rolled over, told me to go back to sleep, and we would have ended up snuggling… Not you sleeping in Lucy's rocking chair in her room because you were mad at me after I had cursed at you. This just shows how we're..."
Danny sighed. "This is stupid."
Lindsay raised her eyebrows as she moved a sleeping Lucy to her mobile crib in the corner of their room. "What?"
"I'm sorry, baby." he sighed as he shuffled on the bed, "I don't mean to treat you like this. It's just... We went from focusing on being so happy about Lucy, and letting go of everything else that pulled us down. I didn't expect to be so unhappy like how we are."
"You're unhappy?"
"Sometimes, yeah."
"You're unhappy with me?" She asked tearfully. "You're unhappy in this marriage?"
"Let me rephrase that." Danny said as he raked his fingers through his hair, "I feel like I'm watching us drift away from each other now that we have Lucy. Neither of us are communicating. We're not venting to each other, we're venting at each other. I mean I can only speak for myself, but personally, that's making me unhappy. Not unhappy in our marriage, but unhappy at the way things are right now."
Lindsay fell silent.
"Linds?"
"It was a pretty big leap from being on shaky ground in terms of our relationship to the whole nine in less than a year." She stated.
"It sure was." he nodded.
"Do you think we made a mistake?"
He sat back and looked at her. "What?"
"Us... Getting married. I know you said you wanted to marry me because you loved me, and you wanted to be with me, which I love you for, but Danny... I just. It makes me wonder sometimes that maybe we should have tried this as two people instead of one. As boyfriend girlfriend, or even as an engaged couple. So that we could have just... I don't know. I don't really know what I'm trying to say."
"I think I know what you're saying to me," Danny nodded. "You're thinking that we jumped in head first without thinking about things?"
"Kind of."
"And you're worried that because we're not in the honeymoon period and happy everyday, we're not going to last?"
She nodded slowly.
"And you think that something's goin' to happen, and one of us will end up walkin' out that door?"
She nodded again.
"I'm never leavin' you guys." He said with a finality in his voice. "I know it's hard to breathe, hard to think and hard to see right now, baby... I know it is. I feel just as overwhelmed as what you're feelin'. I understand that you're thinkin' I married you just because of Lucy, but Linds, that's not the reason. I married you so I can be the guy you call your husband. I want to protect you and love you forever. I always knew I'd marry you, Linds.. One day. Because I wanted to. Not because I had to. Which was exactly what it was. I wouldn't have married you if I didn't want to. If I didn't think you wanted it, I wouldn't have taken you to the courthouse. I wouldn't have put you in that position. If I didn't feel it was right, it wouldn't have happened... But Linds, it felt so right. I felt that this was our chance. I wanted it to be for the right reasons, and it was. You know that. You said that yourself."
He trailed off as he edged closer to where she sat on the side of their bed. Wrapping his arm around her, he pulled her close and inhaled her scent.
"I want my forever with you, Lindsay. You're my MOO."
"My one and only." She smiled.
"Said by yourself." He added. "I don't want to throw away everything we used to be, baby. I know it's still hard to deal with what happened and the shaky ground we were on when you told me about our baby girl... I screwed up and we both know that. But you know, Linds... We didn't take the easy way out. We didn't walk away. We can only get stronger here, Linds. We're newlyweds and new parents. We've got the hardest job in the world. Not even taking into account the city we live in and what we do for a living."
"Sometimes I just think that... maybe..."
Danny sighed. "That if Lucy hadn't come along we would have..."
"Fizzled out." Lindsay finished.
"Well, I can tell you right now that I wouldn't have let that happen." Danny assured her. "I love you, Lindsay. I know it's hard with everythin' we've been through. And I don't blame you for questionin' me and us. And I know you don't want me to change, but you're changin' me... You're making me a better guy. You're moulding me into the person I should be. Not the person I was."
Lindsay shrugged.
"You are. It may be unknowingly, but just the fact you didn't walk away gave me that incentive and focus to change who I was. I didn't want to see you hurting when you'd given me a second chance. You didn't deserve it the second time. Fuck, you didn't even deserve it the first time. Like hell I was going to put you through me being selfish a second time. And especially not now with our daughter."
"That's why I just feel that sometimes you're with me because you feel this connection because I'm there when you need me, and these feelings are just stemming from that. That I'm your light in the dark kind of thing. And I wouldn't blame you for that, Danny... I really wouldn't."
"Well, good to know, but Linds... That's not the reason why. I have a connection with you because of that..."
Lindsay's hung her head sadly, trying to mask her emotions threatening to overcome her.
Seeing her reaction, Danny took his index finger and slowly pulled her chin up so that she faced him.
"But I have so much more with you other than just that. The way I see it baby, it is that clearly someone up there was not happy with us dragging our feet and messing each other around. So they decided that they wanted a bond between us forever to make us realise that we're meant to be together forever in one way or another. Our bond is special... You know that. From day one we had that chemistry between us. You know... Don't tell me you don't feel it also..."
"I know," She smiled at the use of his words from the past. "I just... I think of what we used to be and..."
"And I broke your heart. Over and over again, everytime you saw me. Because you knew what was goin' on, and I didn't have the guts to tell you. And there's nothin' I can say that will change that or make you feel any better. I can only show you how much I regret what I did. And keep telling you and reassuring you that I'm here and I'm not going anywhere. Just like I am right now. If it means me saying the same thing over and over again, it's done if that's what you need me to do."
Lindsay laid her head on his shoulder.
"I mean look at Lucy." Danny continued. "If anything came out of that dark cloud, it was her. She's the light in both of our lives. We both love her more than we can say. I'd do it all again if it meant that I ended up here now, with the both of you."
"I know that... I just... Look, I don't want to bring this back up. It's over and done with. You've apologised, and I accepted it."
"Lindsay, if you have something you want to say to me, I want you to say it. I want you to be able to come to me when you're upset. Especially if it's something I've done."
Lindsay hesitated.
"Please?" He sighed as he rubbed her bare arm gently with his knuckles. "Please?"
"It still hurts." She admitted. "I know you've changed, and I know that because of that, we got Lucy. But sometimes, I just wish you could feel what I feel. I watched you drift away into someone else's arms and there wasn't a thing I could do about it. It hurts, Danny. Especially now with the lingering feeling of 'he was only doing the right thing about Lucy and I' and not, 'he did it because he loves you' because that's always second. Never first. I know it's irrational and deep down I guess I know it's not true but..."
He slid off the bed and cupped her cheeks with his hands as he looked into her eyes. "Lindsay, I want you to hear me when I say this."
She blinked back tears, to which he wiped away gently.
"I know I hurt you. It hurts me to hear you say that I hurt you. But it's the truth. I did hurt you. I made an error in judgement and I'll always regret what I did to you. I was stupid, and selfish, and realise that now I had everything I needed in you."
"We're just going around in circles, Danny. I keep making you say the same thing over and over again. Honestly, I'm fine... I'm just a little emotional about everything right now. It's my damn hormones..."
Danny shook his head and rested his head on her knees. "We need to say this stuff though, Linds... We haven't. We never talked it through properly. We just went with it, instead of going into it. We made promises about it, but never talked about it."
"Exactly, we've managed up 'til now, why do we have to bring this up now?"
"Because." Danny said. "Because your husband that loves you more than anything said so."
She sighed. "I'd really prefer it if we didn't. We talked about all of this. Everything you've said... It's meant a lot to me, and I don't want to overlook all of that with this conversation, alright?"
"You know, when things get tough Linds, it's not seen as weak to talk things through. I know how you internalise everything. It's okay to talk about things like this. Like how I hurt..."
"And I will." She snapped. "That doesn't bother me, Danny. What bothered me was how you didn't come to me. Not that you did what you did. I cared for you, and you didn't come to me. I understand why you did what you did. It doesn't make it alright, but I understand and that's how I've dealt with it."
"Have you though?"
"Yes." She nodded. "Sometimes I just get some issues in my mind. Usually I would and could work them through in my apartment, and that would be it. I'm here with you all day everyday, and you get to see me going through these things now. It's just who I am. So while you work out your kinks from your personality makeover, I'm working out my... coping mechanism and how I can adjust to living with you and still... coping?"
"Okay, I have one thing then... And then I'll drop it, I promise..."
"Sure."
"I'm askin' you to let me talk things through with you. And I'll do the same to you. When I have a problem, I'll ask if you have a minute, and tell you I just need to talk some things through. We made this promise to each other, and I want to keep this promise. I promised you I would be there for you if you needed anything, and I was there for you in Montana, and I was there every step of the way with our daughter. And same goes now. If there's anything you need from me, let me know, okay?"
She nodded and took a deep breath. "Okay. I can do that."
Danny pressed a kiss to her temple.
"I do believe you." She whispered.
"Sorry, what?"
"I do believe that you think that we make sense. I believe that I'm everything you've always wanted. I believe that you want to be with me."
"Sheesh Linds, you memorise what I said or somethin'," he teased playfully.
She nodded. "And I intend to remember it to the tee forever." She assured him. "No matter what happens, and no matter how insecure I may get at times."
"We can just keep taking our baby steps, Linds... Baby steps got us through before."
"Until we can take that leap."
"Do we gotta have a metaphor for everthin'?" he smirked.
"Apparently. Blame the powers that be..."
Danny pressed a kiss to her temple and wiped away her lingering tears. "It's me and you, Kiddo. You, me and our girl. I'm not promising it'll be easy, but I can promise you I'll be here for the ride, holding your hand through everythin'."
She fell back to the bed, before tugging his arm and pulling him down so that he lay next to her. Turning on her side and propping herself up with her elbow, she towered over his as he laid on his back. She just stared at him for a few moments before leaning down and placing a soft kiss to his lips.
"That's all I ask." She whispered. "That's all I want."
A/N: Didn't I tell you it was kind of different? hehe! Let me know what you thought :)