Albus Potter and the Sequel
By Chad Copenhagen
You've been frogging waiting long enough for this. The award winning* Short Story Albus Potter and the Stoner Election, which is in perfect canon with JK Rowling's Harry Potter Franchise has the best frogging sequel the world has ever known. This is frogging it, cheese curds.
*Not actually award winning
Plz read the original this one picks up right where it left off.
PREQUEL TITLE: ALBUS POTTER AND THE STONER ELECTION
Chapter One: Pickin up right where we left off
"Get shot frogboi" Mark Anderson yells as the cold lifeless desecrated body falls to the AstroTurf carpeting below. Robert Saggit was as dead as the dickens. But then he got better. Robert Saggit hops up off the AstroTurf carpeting and opens his mouth and blood of an undetermined species falls out. He is wheezing like a broken radiator, Between breaths Saggit mutters out "Get…...him". The firing squad of babies quickly jump up onto their hover boards and drag Mark Anderson to the dungeon.
Thus endeth the intro.
"So after that beautifully demonstrated political demonstration, myself's got some frogging big news for y'all." Saggit said rambling on while the rest of Hogwarts has a look of a cow who doesn't know where it's milk comes from—udder confusement—. After thinking of that Bomb-Azz cow pun Robert Saggit continued talking. "So besides Mark Anderson, no Hogwarts related thing has killed more people than the TriWizard Tournament." *students murmur amongst themselves like they tend to do sometimes* "BUT THATS ABOUT TO CHANGE…WHEN I INTRODUCE. THE QUADWIZARD QOMPETITION" Robert Saggit said screaming at the top of his lungs and now his voice sounded like an odd-toed ungulate mammal belonging to the taxonomic family Equidae—. Horse—.
After thinking of his second farm animal pun he began to speak in a normal proper British accent. "Now all of ye chaps and blokes and frogging dodgy fudgerudders are surely all wanting to ask me these questions like "WhAt is the QUADWIZARD QOMPETITION?" "Why are you spelling Competition with a Q?" "Why does a man with your handsome looks need to bow down to the oppressive overlords of society by wearing pants.?". Robert Saggit raised his voice again, but not to the point of Caps Lock. "Well, I'll answer these questions with a statement issued by the Council of Armed Babies."
QUADWIZARD QOMPETITION
STATEMENT.
It's spelt like that because it's alliterative.
—Suck it,
The Council
"Due to complications with the goblet of fire, meaning some idiot had to try to make sweet passionate love to the thing and burnt their genitals off, I'm not naming names but it was definitely that guy with the burnt genitals., *crowd stares at Professor Burnt Genitals* "I, Robert Saggit will select the four Qhampions myself. With help from the Council of Armed Babies of course. Hogwarts will have two ONE TRUE QHAMPIONS™, as is tradition. However starting in 2018 Hogwarts will have two divisions and a Qonference Qhampionship Game to decide the ONE TRUE QHAMPION of the Qonference unless we decide to expand. Drink. Other wizarding schools will have Two Champions that they select together. The British school gets 2 One True QHAMPIONS, while the rest of the world gets two representatives. Because of some Eurocentric ballshark. But I'm not here to discuss European Politics, I'm here to get you hyped up for the QUADWIZARD QOMPETITION, and in case your wondering if this follows the same formula as the last novel: Spoiler Alert—. It does—.
YayyaayayauauasatyasyaAdyaa."
Meanwhile, in the crowd the #SQUaD was having some lively chat.
"And that's how I made my very own homemade butterscotch." Said The Diggs.
Albus Potter then arrived at the scene.
"Just got back from Town." Said Albus, who just took a trip to town to sell a rare and important piece of artwork. "I talked to my client and he gave my information that states that we have to talk about the QUADWIZARD QOMPETITION or else we have to pay stipends for that lovestricken deadbeat cousin we all have who lives in New York."
"What's a cousin?" Inquired The Diggs.
"My Father's relation to my Mother." Said Poo-Poo.
"White Peoples." Said U-Turn.
"Indeed." Said Qwub.
"Should I enter the QOMPETITION I'mean im the frogging only son of 'Arry Potter, the most famous wizard to ever live, so legitimately everyone will be expecting me to." Said Albus.
"Wait a doggy chasing darn monkey minute." Stammered Poo-Poo. "You's just said you's was 'iz onlay son, but whaddabout James.?"
"James accidentally (wink wiink) got turned into a puffer fish." Said Albus.
"I can dig it." Said Athanasius Butler, the stoner Brit.
"Don't do it bro." Said U-Turn. "I need my wingman to live at least until I graduate. You're so ugly that you make me look better in comparison, even tho I am a fly mummafunka IRL, with you by my side I'm the flyest mummafunka to ever step foot on Yeezus' Green Earth."
"Alrighty then, I guess that's settled." Said Albus.
"Albus, step into my office." Said Sylvester P. Cornwallis.
"Aighty then, best be leavin now." Said Albus.
Sylvester P. Cornwallis was in his office with Hogwarts Headmaster Robert Saggit and High Ranking School Official Y.Y. Tambro.
"So, Albus, you've got to enter the QUADWIZARD QOMPETITION, it is your fate, believe me it is your destiny."
Said Sylvester Cornwallis.
"But I ain't wanna do it." Said Albus.
"Lookie here kiddo, think of it as a storyline, heck THE Storyline, heck again the Storyline of the century, the only son of the most infamous Qompetetior ever in the history of the gobdarn thang, 'Arry Potter himself, giving it the old college try. I mean, come on kiddo you'd be the toast of the whole gobdarn town. You'd have women throwing themselves at you, and I ain't talking about average women, I'm talking about the women you only find on Robert Saggit's internet history. I'm getting all giddy in my pants just thanking about it, so whaddabout it big boy, wanna do it for Good OL' Y.Y. Tambro."
"No." Responded Albus.
"Now kid you'd have a chance at winning this whole QOMPETITION, now I'm not saying that you have good genes, but I am saying that if you were a racehorse, people would pay a fortune for your Sperm." Said Robert Saggit.
"And, as a man who has spent oodles of money on horse semen, I can tell you you'd be getting a good deal, buckaroo." Said Sylvester Cornwallis.
"While the talk of animal semen is quite unfascinating, I just don't want to do it." Said Albus.
"I understand." Said Robert Saggit. "Which, is why I leave you with a choice between two scenarios, Scenario Nombre Uno, you enter the tournament and win the frogging thing and become the most important thing in recent history, or Scenario Numerocal Dos, i announce the councils selection of the champions, but then outta absolutely frogging nowhere, your name replaces an unfortunate Hogwarts individual. You're doing it, kiddo whether you wanna or not, this sponsorship money is too good not to crave, buckaroo, so which one is it going to be, Scenario 1 or 2."
"Why can't Lily do it." Inquired Albus.
"Because Albus, we're misogynists." Said Cornwallis.
"Let's go with scenario number one. If and only if I can quit whenever I want to, and still get a fraction of the prize money."
"Fine, as long as you complete one task." Said Robert Saggit.
"Deal." Said Albus.
Chapter Two: The Qouncil has Spoken.
Robert Saggit emerged from his coveted office space and walk up onto the Great Podium. "Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, and people who have been turned into another species tragically and are too lonely to have friends that would be willing to help them return to their human form."
James Potter stood up in the crowd, as only a pufferfish could.
"Hey, You , Mr. Saggit, Robert, Bobby, The Headmaster, The Head of Gryffindor house, the guy without pants on"
"HWAT is it Mr. Potter." Interrupted Robert Saggit.
"Don't talk to me like that ever again #TetraodontidaeLivesMatter." said James Potter.
"Ok, but I'll talk to everyone else like that OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHH, loophole in your face BEEYOTHCH!" Said Robert Saggit.
He continued to talk after the thunderous applause from his sick-AZZ burn. "Anyhoobastank, I have had meetings with the QUADWIZARD QOMPETITION QOUNCIL and we have decided the Qompetetiors for this years QOMPETITION. (Applause reigns) First, I will introduce the Qouncil memberS, who will also be serving as judges for this great event."(even more applause)
Ladies and gentlemen give it up for Hogwarts' very own Sylvester P. Cornwallis and Y.Y. Tambro, yeah, next up we have retired and fired Hogwarts Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher Goldtooth Monroe, next we have American Rapper Person, Lil' Chano from 79th, give it up for Chance the Rapper." Oh yeah, we have a treat for y'all here, put your hands together for British Prime Minister David Cameron! (David Cameron walks up to the stage) "Mr. Cameron, your pants smell like pork any reason for that." "Nnnnnoooo." Stammered David Cameron. "Well alrighty then." Said Robert Saggit, "Now it is time for the lighting round. We have Big XII Conference Commissioner Bob Bowlsby, Washington Wizards Point Guard John Wall, The Female version of Robert Saggit, 'Arry Potter's wife Ginny Weasley, Daily Prophet reporter Shirley Dankey, a Bible Belt Christian Mom, Former Wipeout Contestant Danger Dan and the Council of Armed Babies gets one vote along with the heads of the two other schools."
"Speaking of the other schools let's find out their Qompetetiors, hailing from the United States of America, the USA Wizarding Acadmey! Not Ilvermorny, because that name sucks donkey butter. "Robert Saggit said as the students entered the great great hall And prepared for their presentation.
These American students' presentation was the greatest gobdarn thing that all the Hogwarts students had ever witnessed in their entire lives. The Freedom and Democracy and Sheer Epicness of them was far too amazing for their feeble British minds. Tears came into their eyes as they found out what they lost in the war. The Song "America f**k yeah' was playing as fireworks and Big Macs rained through the great hall. Robert Saggit rose up and spoke "And the head of this great academy is a beautiful man and his name is JOOHHHHHN CEEEENNAA.
The song "My Time Is Now" is playing as John Cena enters the great hall.
John Cena grabbed the mic and began to speak "First of all, are John Cena memes still funny, no, they aren't, well that's a gobdarn shame, anyways with out further adooo-OooO-o. The USA Wizarding Academy's Nominee is none other than KANYE WEST!"
*I Am A God booms throughout the Great Hall*
Kanye West came out riding on an ultralight beam of energy as 7 bears were released, each one representing his solo studio albums as he walked closer to the podium the presentation grew more and more epic and indescribably so. Yeezus himself stepped up on to the podium and spoke. "I'm in it to be Champion, not to be Famous or have Power, or have all of the flashing lights shine on me as I go for the glory. I'm Bound 2 win this competition for America. If you say you will have a chance to beat me you're lying. I'm just working my song titles into my Intro speech I really didn't have anything planned. Well Hold My Liquor because I'm gonna Get 'Em High. Two Words: Yeezy Season."
*drops microphone.*
"Well that sure was something wasn't it folks, anyways our next wizarding school hails from Greece. Unfortunately due to budget cuts in the Greek Wizarding school system, their Headmistress Athena, couldn't serve anymore, so here is their backup plan give it up for this Gyro Vendor we found on the street!" Robert Saggit announced. The Gyro Vendor walked on stage. "It is my honor to announce that Greek Wizarding School Qompetetior will be Hetherpethermanderson III Esq. or HethPeth for short. Thanks you."
HethPeth walks on to the podium. He is literally standing in the podium. He grabbed a mic and spoke. "Sorry that my fellow Greek Wizarding School Students couldn't be here. They ate the blamb gyros that guy was selling so don't blame me, I was the only one who didn't eat them. I tried to warn them but then I realized I hate them all. So yeah...*awkward silence* back to Mr. Saggit I gues."
"Well HethPeth seems like a real doozy doesn't he. Anyways I'm just happy to have a real good rapper who knows how to make a good album in Hogwarts with Mr. Kanye West, last time a rapper was here, it was Drake. Views was trash y'all. And More Life was mediocre at best. Anyways it's time to announce the Two ONE TRUE QHAMPIONS of Hogwarts. Give it up for this kid coming straight outta Gryffindor, the son of 'Arry Potter himself. AAAAALLLLLLBUUUUSS POTTER!
Albus Potter walked on stage and just smiled. He knew he wouldn't last long and that pleased him. And our next QHAMPION in somebody you know quite well, Albus, give it up for your bitter ex girlfriend from Hufflepuff CHICA GONZALES. Chica walked on stage and smakerydoodled Albus right in the face. "That was for competing against me, you frogging dustbin." She calmly said. Give it up for the four Qompetetiors! Kanye West! Hetherpethermanderson III Esq., Albus Potter and Chica Gonzales!
(Roaring applause)
"Anyhoobastank, one more announcement. The QUADWIZARD QOMPETITION will for the first time ever, due to budget cuts, which definitely does not mean hooker and cocaine parties in the staff room, have a corporate sponsor. You shall now refer to it as the RC Cola QUADWIZARD QOMPETITION. RC Cola, when you need the best drink that is far superior to every other drink in existence pick up an RC Cola and you'll know why it has a taste that's better than ever! RC Cola the fresher refresher. Your first task will be announced after this short chapter break. Saggit out."
Chapter 3: The First Task.
"We looked at the History of the QOMPETITION and found that the dragons that 'Arry Potter beat is one of the most memorable challenges ever, so we thought what's more dangerous than dragons, you frogging guessed it, armed babies. The Council of Armed Babies will protect a Bronze Egg that y'all'll haveta get. Have fun and most of all don't die!" Saggit announced.
"Wait do I really have to fight a baby." Said Albus.
"Well, technically it's several babies with weapons." Said U-Turn.
"The key is to go for the throat." Sa Athanasius.
"No, you have to take one of their guns and then go Rambo on them. There will be a bunch of dead babies and you'll have a bronze egg. Win-win." Said The Diggs.
"Hold up a rascally doot minute, the Council of Armed Babies has a vote, so how can they vote when there dead." Said Poo-Poo.
"I Wizoogled it and the Armed Babies cannot just die, because that would be far too morbid for this story, the babies will get better, how else do think Robert Saggit recovered so well from his own death, he's just an Overgrown Baby." Said Qwub.
"I reckon y'alls is tootin hound rite." Said Poo-Poo Jones.
"All I need now is a strategy, I can't go for the throat or grab there guns because the other armed babies will shoot my and then I'll be shot and unable to do nothin." Said Albus.
"Just matrix the Hll out of hit." Said Athanasius.
"No, because the babies are far too low for me to Matrix away from. I could jump over them, but then they could fire higher into the sky." Said Albus.
"You just gotta convince the babies to chill out and not shoot you." Said U-Turn.
"Babies are pretty chill when you talk to them." Said The Diggs.
"Thanks for your help. I'll see you after the first (and probably only) task." Said Albus.
Chapter 4: The First Task is Now.
The four Qompetetiors were all in the Tent O'Waitin. They all were talking, except for Albus and Chica, who were avoiding each other. "Sometimes I get emotional over fonts." Said Kanye West. "My favorite font is the Greek font that your Computers prolly don't get." said HethPeth. "I personally like Helvetica Bold." Said Albus. "The nonbolded version is better." Said Chica. They debated about fonts for the next half hour. Then it was the time. Kanye was to go first because America is always first.
Kanye West stepped out into the arena. Yeezus saw the crowd in one section chanting "U-S-A, and KANYE For President!" The other section was jealous Brits and Greeks. There was a small corner for the judges. The press box held the commentators, Sunny Day, Phil Simms and E-40. I'll let them tell the story from here.
Sunny: It's a beautiful day here outside as the RC Cola QUADWIZARD QOMPETITION is about to begin. And here comes Kanye West.
Phil: Now, if he wants to get that bronze egg, he's gonna need to get past those babies.
E-40: But these babies is strapped. Let's see what he does here.
Sunny: He appears to have used the accio charm to ask for a boombox, interesting strategy.
Phil: What I find amusing about this, is that a boombox will fly out of the sky to get to him.
Sunny: And he catches the boombox while still hiding behind that bulletproof Boulder in the arena.
Phil: The Boulder is bulletproof so that means no bullets can harm it. And that's a good thing.
E-40: He's takin out the Yeezus Album. Oh My Yeah. He's gonna hit the YE Button.
Sunny: He's going to track 7.
E-40: That's Blood on the Leaves. He's got about 1:08 before the bass drops and everything explodes.
Sunny: And the bass has dropped and all of the babies are levitating off of the ground and they have dropped their assault rifles.
Phil: And they say that there's no effective way of gun control.
Sunny: And he has snatched the bronze egg in less than two minutes. Wowza!
Phil: Sunny, E, I think I have to say it now. Centuries upon Centuries of religious debates have probably been futile for so long. It is now abundantly clear in our own human feeble minds that Yeezus is the one true God.
Sunny: Well that was quite profound of you, Phil.
Phil: That's my name.
Sunny: And we're back. Let's see what the judges thought of that performance.
JUDGING GROUP I
Saggit 4/10. I don't like seeing disarmed babies.
Cornwallis 9/10. I would have appreciated it more if you took a little bit more time walking towards the egg. To rub it in their faces.
Tambro 10/10 This RC COLA is Delicious! A ten out of ten beverage with the ten out of ten act of leverage.
Chance 10/10 Good azz Job.
Bob 6/10 I would have appreciated it if you finished the song.
39
JUDGING GROUP II
Wall 9/10. Outstanding but you could've danced.
David 10/10. Ahh, the power of bass. Brings me back to my days at university. (Gazes into distance thinking about something other than bass)
Ginny 8/10. Not bad.
Saggit (female) 4/10.
Dan 5/10. You need to put yourself in more danger. That was relatively weak.
36
JUDGING GROUP III
Fundamentalist Christian 1/10. That's the Devils music son.
Dankey 4/10. I just don't like you.
Council 5/10.
Cena 10/10. Merica.
Greek 10/10. Merica.
30
Sunny: And that's a total score of 105 point!
Phil: If I had that many eggs, I'd invite you over for omelettes.
Sunny: Fascinating, and it appears HethPeth is entering the arena.
Phil: You have to be on the court if you want to be champion.
Sunny: He's Got his wand out and appears to be doing an accio charm!
HethPeth: Accio Gorillas!
Phil: Great move by HethPeth, he knows that Gorillas are the greatest weakness of a toddler.
E-40: Yes, but a gorilla's greatest weakness is an Assault Rifle.
Sunny: Doesn't this seem a bit insensitive because of the Cincinnati Zoo Incident?
Phil: The Author probably just wants to stick a current event in here for cheap humour.
E-40: The gorillas and babies are fighting. This is all out war right now. If HethPeth can dodge the gunfire and the gorillas he can get it. Because that egg is right up in here for the takin.
Sunny: He's going to do a spell!
HethPeth: Assemblius Haramba!
E-40: Oh My Dreads. They gorillas is assembling into one monster gorilla. I didn't even know they could do that.
Phil: It's much larger than a regular gorilla.
Sunny: All the babies have turned there assault rifles at the MeGorilla. HethPeth is making a sprint towards the egg.
E-40: I ain't believe it. He got the egg. That gorilla thing was just a distraction. Unbelavable.
Phil: You Can say Gorilla this and Gorilla That, but hey he got the egg.
Sunny: And the judges give him a score of 95.
Phil: It appears that they all had differing opinions on the gorilla.
Sunny: And Next in the Arena is Chica Gonzales, the only major female character in this story so far!
Phil: The babies have healed themselves and picked up their assault weapons, let's see what's gonna happen here.
E-40: Wait. She drankin somethings.
Sunny: That appears to be a rare potion that turns you into a baby.
Phil: That makes perfect sense, to beat the babies you have to be a baby.
E-40: We can tell which one she is by the fact that she is the only one not armed at all, but once she gets a gun, ooh boy this gon b good.
Phil: The babies are confused. They can't figure out which one of them isn't armed.
Sunny: And she takes a weapon!
E-40: Oh my dreads. It's open season out here. All the babies are shooting each other.
Sunny: And she takes the bronze egg. Not bad.
Phil: The judges give her a score of 100 emoji, which is still 5 behind the leader.
Sunny: Let's see what Albus Potter, the son of former champion 'Arry Potter, has planned for us.
FORMAT SWITCH WOOOAAAAB
Albus Potter walked out onto the arena floor scurried behind the bulletproof BoulderRock and called for a mic.
"Hey, it's a me Albus, and I I'm just gonna be honest with y'all.."
"There's a first." Interrupted Chica.
"Gosh dangut I've been burned. Anyways. I don't have a plan like, at all. So, if the judges could just count this as my attempt and score it properly, then, yeah. I should be able to do that because, come on let's face it, you can't afford to have me get shot. Cmon that's not how this frogging works, so Bobby Saggs, whaddaya say?"
"Well, it'd be awfully unfair to the other hardworking Qompetetiors if you were unable to compete." Said Robert Saggit, who was thinking of all the moolah he could make off of Albus' funeral. The people of Hogwarts elected him as their leader. They did this to themselves.
"Gosh cripes. Ok so, babies. Whaddaya say you just, er, drop your weapons and let your pal—me, go and get the egg." Said Albus
The babies just began to fire harder at the Bulletproof Boulder.
"Ok, but what if I confiscate your guns." Said Albus.
"Can he do that?!". Inquired Sunny Day.
"I'm just being honest here, the narrator only knows 5 E-40 songs, he just put me in the story because he thought it would be funny to include another rapper." Said E-40.
The babies obeyed his command. Except for one rebel baby. The rebel baby grabbed a weapon off of the ground and fired at Albus.
It was at that time that Albus remembered a sage piece of advice from Athanasius Butler. "Just matrix the Hll out of it." So because he definitely had enough time to do that, Albus Potter matrixed the Hll out of it. Soon the rebel baby was out of Ammo and he snatcheredood the Bronze Egg and received a high score of 109.
After the first task was completed Albus went to the office of Robert Saggit to have a little talk about their deal.
"Now, Albus, I'd love to stay and chat, but the end of the chapter is coming up." Said Robert Saggit, ending the chapter on a cliffhanger.
Chapter 4: The Fourth Chapter.
"Ok, kid, Albus, kid, have a seat." Said Robert Saggit.
"Uh, sir I'm already sitting down." Albus said.
"Same difference." Said Robert. "But Anyways, kid, do you remember when we first met, it was your first day of school, 'Arry Potter's son himself, I couldn't believe it, you got sorted into my house and I knew you were destined for greatness.
You. But you, just hung around with these absolute losers all year long. Seriously kid, A Swedish cowboy, a stoner brit, a kid who barely knows he's not a muggle, Some Frogging Weirdo who I think I've seen taking a bath in the septic tank before, but no matter, At least U-Turn is cool. Maybe he'll get you back on track to being the protagonist I've always dreamed you'd be. You got easily one of the prettiest girls in school to date you, and she left you for Chilibowl Maxwell. CHILIBOWL frogging' MAXWELL. That kid was so pathetic in the debate my goodness. He was up against me, Donald Thromp, A Girl Who thinks she's a dog, And a literal muggle named Drake, and he still couldn't pull off a win. But am I ever so grateful of that.
Listen. I've Been headmaster for like two weeks and I've done more cocaine than I can count on all eight of my hands, Yeah, that's right. I've done more than eighty cocaine. And as I've been in this position of power, I finally figured out why I've always wanted you to be a hugely popular protagonist with a brave persona and faithful friends the kiddos could look up to. Money. Moolah. CheddarBacks, Green Cheese, Sautéed Mushrooms and Parmesean, the Galleons. Yes. With you as the face of the school, and your two fun lighthearted trusted companions by your side, it's almost infinite marketability big boy, and if you don't kick out your stupid friends, Poo-Poo, Athanasius Butler, Qwub and The Diggs. We're gonna have some problems big fella. Uh-uh. These characters are only good for like two cheep laughs. You, U-Turn and Chica Gonzales, who I only threw into this hot mess so you two could get back together and make my pants happy again. Three main characters of three different races and three distinct fun personalities. Oh man. Oh man oh man. You're gonna win this tournament to make me happy, you're gonna take Chica Gonzales to the YewlBal and you're gonna make me billions so I CAN PAY OFF MY FREAKING COKE DEALER."
As Robert Saggit finished his rant he was unaware that the door was open and he had been standing on his desk without pants on and he looked really depserate. A decent crowd of fellers had been watching him try to give this story some form of plot and morals with the message of sticking up for you friends no matter how weird they are and no matter how much the person in charge of your school wants you to get rid of them so he can make money off of you to pay off his coke dealer. Stuff the kids can use.
Robert Saggit walked over and shut the door and began to snort some coke which was actually just salt. His nose began to bleed and he rushed himself to the hospital wing but on the way he tripped and faceplanted into the nearest tree that stood in the middle of the hallway because some wise guy put it there just to see if someone would trip and faceplant into it. The guy emerged from the bushes he was hiding in and proceeded to hoot and holler around the Hogwarts as if he had just won the Wizarding Lottery.
Albus Potter was still sitting in The office of Robert Saggit. Albus looked around the office in search of anything that could be mildly entertaining. He found nothing. So he aimlessly meandered around the building until he got to the Great OL' Hall, where Robert Saggit was going to speak about the Yule Ball.
With his nose visibly bleeding and a black eye that had obviously been covered with duct tape, Robert Saggit addressed the kids he had control over. "You've heard of the Yule Ball?" He rhetorically asked. *crowd makes noise* "Yeah, well I just now learned that it wasn't a ball made of Yule. So it's like a dance or some slobberfrog like that. Anyways. It's Saturday or some sharks. Be there and be quadrilateral, no David Cameron you can't bring an animal. Thank you. "
Chapter Five: The Yule Ball.
So they went to the Yule ball and got absolutely krunk to the greatest hits of Lil' John.
The #SQUaD was making there way down the corridors of the schools when Athanasius said "I gotta do something." So they let him be. But his something. Oh boy it was something.
As you surely remember, in the last book Athanasius Butler sold drugs to all of the candidates in the Great Hogwarts Debate. You may have thought that all of the candidates had learned a valuable lesson about drugs. And that was true—for everyone except Robert Saggit. Athanasius had been jacking up his cocaine prices and Saggit kept on paying them. Now Robert Saggit owes him a bad amount of money. Let's explore their conversation.
In order to capitalize on profits, Athanasius said that he had run out of cocaine and that another dealer was to meet him who would give him a better deal. The disguise was simple. Athanasius was to wear a hat.
They met in a super secret hiding location.
"Hey, you're my new drug dealer, I know cause you've got the hat, anyways I spent a bad amount of money on my last purchase." Said Robert.
"How bad". Inquired Athanasius.
"Like really bad, like the worst amount." Said Robert.
"Anyways. I'm actually all out of cocaine. Honestly. You're gonna have to announce the second task without it." Said Athanasius.
"Wwwwhat. No man. No man I can not do that at all. Come on bro. Please. zzz please. PLEAAAAAAASEEEEE." Screamed Robert.
"I'm sorry, but it needed to be done." Said Athanasius.
Chapter 5: The Chapter after Chapter Four.
Athanasius stopped right in the middle of the hall way after that encounter and seemed at bewilderments with himself. He had the drugs in his crazy fly over coat and couldn't believe he hadn't sold them.
"What the bloody darn is going on". He proclaimed as Robert Saggit acted like he was on hella drugs as he wallomped down the hall way.
He immediately knew where to go when he found something weird. Albus.
Athanasius walked back towards the #SQUaD and began to tell them the story. "So I was doing my thing like I normally do, when then suddenly I said I was all out and said for him to move along. I finna don't know what got into me." Said Athanasius.
"Hold this L dawg." Said U-Turn.
"Ok, so you don't know why you didn't sell the leader of our school cocaine, it seems like you might have a conciense." Said Albus Potter.
"Yabbut, lookit 'im widdout 'is drugs. Heem's' looking like a mad mad mutt. It's bad I tell ya. Bobby Saggs ain't that good of a leader." Said Poo-Poo.
"Well, you voted for him." Said Albus.
"We were all on drugs at the time, seriously. Why are drugs such a main theme in these stories." Said Qwub.
"Ok, I feel ya there." Albus Said.
"You're not the only one." Creepily responded The Diggs.
"So, I've idea. Saggit mind controlled you. He wants to make the next task as difficult as donkey teeth for y'all cuz he wants death. I'll tell y'alls something about that feller that all y'all'll never believe. That feller is a crazed OL' lunkstick who wishes for death on all of his here students. He made y'all face armed darn babies for sobbing out non-silently. Heck y'all. He wants a death in this QOMPETITION so he can doodily cancel the school year and go back to his life doing drugs and fading into oblivion as he frogging refuses to wear pants." Said Poo-Poo.
"That's easily the most thoughtful thing I think you've ever said Poo-Poo. Even with your occasional odd cowboy slang that comes up, so there's definitely something off here. Herrrmmmmmmmmmmmm, well I don't know what it is. Better hope it comes to me before it does anything more dangerous than having a kid refuse to sell cocaine to his headmaster or a Swedish Cowboy rambling on a strange fan theory idea that could foreshadow the truth in the end. Who frogging knows." Said Albus.
So they actually arrived at the great hall where Robert Saggit was presumably about to announce the second task, i think.
"ELO students, y'all are looking unbelievable today. Hahah."
A student arose from the row of people that they were sitting in.
"Were you trying to make a pun about the song UnbeliveAble, because that was an EMF Song not an ELO Song."
"Well how about you...um go make an EMF song...yeah. Ok so this second task thingy has been driving me absolutely bazonkers these last few weeks and to be completely honest I have no nada zabba zabba doo-zilch-a-Rito with cheese on the side ma'am thank you very much absolutely ZERO ideas for the second task. So I think heyo buddy in my brain why the hll don't we just end this thing right here. We can have an arena with fun deadly weapons and y'all can kill each other til one of y'all survives. Frogging good mate, eh?." Said Robert.
"Um, that's the hunger games." Said a student.
"Jesus's Crackers and Wine why does every darn gondola go darn frogging thing need to be a movie, why the bloody frog don't we Just put the qompetetiors in a plane and have frogging snakes in it for crying out loud!." Said Robert Saggit.
"Um, that's Snakes on a Plane starring Samuel L. Jackson as the black guy who says bad words."
"OH MY FROGGOLLY. What about A cyborg, identical to the one who failed to kill Sarah Connor, must now protect her young son, John Connor, from a more advanced cyborg, made out of liquid metal." Said Robert Saggit.
"That's literally the IMDb info page for Terminator 2: Judgement Day."
"Okay okay okay okay okay."
"O-KAY." Interrupted Kanye.
"Huh, so if I'm just pulling things from different stories, why don't I just frogging pull one from this story right here! *inception music plays.* Yea, 'Arry Potter had to face Dragons, we faced armed babies, so why don't we just skip the Swim Meet and just go straight to the labyrinth! (And not that weird David Bowie movie #RIP) I like it because I am boring and unoriginal and for dinner every night I boil a bag of wonder bread and eat it. I don't even take it out of the plastic. It's rich in carbs. A.J. Burnett taught me that neat little trick. Haha woo. We'll just trim some of the hedges, throw in a few magical monsters and see if y'all can get past them. Kinda like Pokemon Go, but with a higher chance of death. (This story was mostly written in the summer of 2016 hence the Pokémon Go and Harambe references) And once you make it out of the labyrinth (if you do mwahaha) there could be the RC COLA Quadwizard Qompetiton Qup for the Qhampion Qompetetior, or there could be nothing and I'll decide to have a surprise third task instead. Gee golly I love my power. I'll decide when I get there. Thanks for listening I need to use the old froggy potty now. "
That was Robert Saggit's ramble.
Chapter 6: The Labyrinth?
The workers had been hired to trim the hedges and after a while they went on a waffle break while the monsters were shipped in. Because the workers were gone the Qompetetiors could look and see what daunting task awaited them ahead.
There were frightening things, horrifying things in fact, there was a duck with human legs, a terrifyingly large fish and a stereo radio that only played the new Meghan Trainor album.
"'Lrighty folks, it's time to discus how I'm going to defeat these things because the plot needs to technically advance because the narrator really doesn't care about any other characters and just wants to get the story done no matter how many fourth wall breaks it takes." Said Albus.
"Ghee Wizards, this narrator sounds like a total lozer." Said Athanasius Butler.
"Agreed." Said Albus
Well there is going to be one less judge After David Cameron exited even though it would have been far better if he stayed and now our whole economy is going to be screwed up." Said Qwub
"Um we don't have an economy, we're a school." Said Albus.
"Well he still stuck his dangling participle into the mouth of a dead pig." Said Qwub.
"I can dig it." The Diggs responded stoically.
"Ok, so going off of what we've seen, which is literally just the duck with human legs and the large fish, how do we do this, cause I got Nuttin." Said Albus.
"First of all we need to congratulate the Narrator for finally getting off his lazy good for nothing life-wasting tooshie and start delivering the good Harry Potter fan fiction which is already out dated because of the Cursed Child which by the way FRAKING SUCKKED, (lol jk it was alright. Probably a light 6/10) It's late July/Early-to-Mid August 2017 and he's desperately trying to add some spice to his summer whether you like or not! By the way this is not a paragraph, this is a legit cry for help." Said a character only in this story to say the Narrator's innermost ramblings that would not fit any of the #SQUaD or the other main characters. Thank you unnamed character.
"Well, as we all know the weakness of anything is the opposite of that thing, right." Said The Diggs
"That's not true in any way, shape, or form yet I'm oddly intrigued." Said Albums
"So what's the opposite of a duck, who knows right. That's why we have Bing™ (Not a sponser, the Narrator isn't cool enough to even get a bing sponsorship, think about that.) Well, the first bing result that pops up is this.
A duck is female, sometimes called a hen. A drake is male. The male is called a drake and the female is called a duck or hen. Drake.
Drake.
The Canadian rapper person who thinks he's Jamaican, British, From Houston, and Not wasting his potential.
He also won this here schools election before he mysteriously stepped down.
Steps.
Drake.
Drake has had a bunch of songs in his career but a quick lyric website search reveals that he's never used the word "step" or "steps" in any of his songs.
So. What's something that you should never use? Let's go to bing™ again to find that out. The first result is an article about why Gordon Ramsay does not eat airplane food.
So the answer my dear, is airplane food." Finished The Diggs
*mic drop*
*everyone begins slow clapping*
"Brilliant. Bloody Brilliant. But what about the giant fish." Said Albus.
"Stab it with an equally giant fork. The opposite isn't always the best route to take." Said the Diggs "And the Meghan Trainor album shouldn't be that big of a deal as long as it's playing that one song with Yo Gotti that I actually am ashamed to admit that I kinda like."
"So go git 'Em tiger." Said Poo-Poo.
"Aw heck, I'll try. In the next chapter." Said Albus providing a lovely Segway into:
Chapter 3: I'm not even trying to Number these chapters correctly anymore. Because Suck it that's why.
Robert Sagitt and his army of Armed Babies decked out the quidditch pitch into the New And Improved Labrinth 2.0. (The Maze not the British singer who has a really good song with The Weeknd that you should check out. It's called "Losers" and while you're there listen to his song "Beneath Your Beautiful" too. It's really sweet.")
Anyways, some details of the maze. It's length is unknown. Partially because it adds mystery, other partially because the Narrator doesn't know how distance works and doesn't want to make any more of a fool of himself (or herself my identity is secret ya little bricks) than he/she already has.
Some other details of the maze that I feel it's important to include.
The start times work exactly how they did in Goblet of Fire (which is the best Harry Potter book. This is fact.) It's based on most points earned in the previous rounds, which in this case was only one round because of Robert Saggit and his massive coke addiction from earlier.
The monsters are assigned randomly and will only be revealed to the audience reading and the audience in the quiddict pitxh. Because there's a giant Jumbotron that was put there. TANGENT ALERT; it's really stupid just how poor the events of the last TriWizard tournament were for the spectators. Seriously. In the quidditch World Cup in the same gobdarn movie the stadium is massive and yet all the fans are happy with their seat and have all these gadgets and gizmos to help them view the match before everything goes to crap when those no good Death Eater fellers come barging in. But in the tourney, the dragon event was perfect for the fans, you could actually see the competitors, before 'Arry went around the block and back. Stupid 'Arry Potter. Always ruining everything. Anyways. The next task is all freakin under water. There's no Wizard technology for the fans to see crap. They're just staring at Water and hoping somebody plops up. It's literally the exact same thing but with a giant hedge in the final task. Screw that. There's frogging cameras and Jumbotron and ribbon boards everywhere now. Because that's how Hogwarts should treat its fans. Also if you're potentially mad about me going off in a mini-rant in the middle of a gripping adventure novel, to that I say SCREW THAT I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT THIS OS MY STORY I WROTE IT BUT PLEASE KEEP READING CAUSE I LOWKEY WORKED HARD ON THIS, LIKE FOR HOURS HARD. BUT ITS STILL MY STORY I WRITE WHAT I WANT.
Anyways where were we.
Oh yeah. The maze.
Anyways just imagine a really cool looking maze with smoke and cool zig zaggy turns and dead ends and stuff. That changes and turns like a hogwarts staircase. Imagine that and that's what the labyrinth looks like. But who cares, I'm not even telling you the story of what goes on inside the labyrinth.
For that we go to Sunny Day, Phil Simms and E-40.
Sunny: And we are coming to you live from an undisclosed city in London, at the Famed Hogwarts Quidditch Pitch to bring you the 2016/17/18 RC COLA QUADWIZARD QOMPETITION Final Challenge: The Labrinth/Labyrinth
Phil: There are two spellings because the narrator is stupid.
E-40: Yup!
Sunny: And to introduce the first brave qompetetior give it up for our PA Announcer Monster Truck Voice Guy/NBA Player Introduction Voice Guy. Wait. Hold on a minute, I'm being told that there is a delay in the PA Broadcast booth because of a last second change in announcers.
Ten minutes passes.
Sunny: And finally, at last we have a new PA Announcer. To introduce the first qompetitor I give you…...GOD. himself. MORGAN FREEMAN!
Morgan Freeman: Why thank you Sunny, when I was a young boy, my father took me into the city, wait sorry..oh shites. My apologies I appear to have been reading emo song lyrics. My apologies. Anyways. Fear will be plentiful, death will be bountiful, I will spare none of you peasants. Wait, that's even worse song lyrics. Is there a ploy to make me say the stupidest things in my God voice. Because that won't happen. I'll just freeball it from here because I'm Morgan Motherfrogging Freeman.
Anyways. This first qompetitior is the eldest son of the last TriWizard Tournament champion, and is getting a head start because of his unforgettable performance in the first task that i some how have already forgotten. Going into the maze with his guide. Oh, in the labyrinth they're allowed to bring one guide and a bag full of props. New rule. Going in with his guide MaVarkus "The Diggs" Diggler. Give it up for Mr. Straight Outta London. Albus Potter!
Albus and The Diggs were soon sucked into the maze. Not knowing what would face them ahead. Albus turned the corner and saw something he never thought he'd see. It was a nude man humping a shark. The Diggs simply smiled and said "I had a feeling something like this would be in here. I can always sense when a nude dude is about to do something extremely stupid and disgusting.
Albus paused for a minute and then sai. "Are you sure this man humping the shark is not Florida Gators head football Coach Jim McElwain."
The Diggs stepped back paused and made his observation. "That's not really a football coach tan line. I think it's more likely that it's the CEO of Jimmy Johns. Mr. Jimmy John."
"Well that certainly would explain the taste of their sandwiches." Said Albus. "So we're going to need to get past this guy so we can move on to the next monster/task in the labrinth. I'm not sure what I'm more worried about. The nude man or the shark. "
"Anyways, I got this." Said the Diggs planning a master strategy. "Dealing with drunk stupid naked rich ugly white dudes is not a problem. The shark is out of water so the only thing dangerous about it right now is the chompers on that beast. I say we hit it from the back...and by that I mean grab the shark by the tail and move him somewhere else so the guy is cornered with nothing but him and the shark."
"Excellent. But I jus realized something. There's no way to win this. Robert Sagitt done messed up. I'll tell you more after we get past this guy, because I don't want to look at this nude man humping a shark like that photo that went viral this May. " said Albus.
So they executed the #HitItFromDaBackSharkManeuver and went through and found a corner in the labyrinth.
"Ok. Have you ever noticed that there's no end in sight to this maze. No trophy to grab. No portkey that gets your fathers friend killed. Nothing. Robert Saggitt gave us nothing. And we went along with it. We went along with it like the worthless little beings we are. Just going about with our days acting like there's a purpose to all this madness in our lives, but really it's all just one big fat maze. One big fat maze filled with nude men and sharks and false senses of accomplishment and hashtags and friends and E-40 for some odd reason. But there is no purpose. The only way to accomplish anything of note is to be outside the maze. But you can never leave the maze. You're trapped forever. You don't know how to get in and dying's your only way out. Good luck retracing your steps because you can't go back in time and the area where you came from is way different then you thought it was when you were there. Can't you see, Robert Saggitt is a master of the metaphors. Planning out this pointless last task with infinite more risk than reward to teach us the meaning of life before it's all too late. The harsh reality that differs from the one we've been so used to all our lives is the last thing we'll ever know." Said Albus.
"Rad". Responded the Diggs.
"Ok, you're not even gonna acknowledge how frogging awesome of a rant that was I just made it up on the spot and it was perfect. It was the greatest climax of this story that I could have ever dreamed of saying. And all you had to say to that is. "Rad." Said Albus.
"Well, I thought it was rad." Said The Diggs.
"You know what, I've known you for a long time. Remember when we first met. I went to use the facilities at school and after I was done taking the kids to the pool, I went to LaVar mis manos. And you know what I saw. I saw a kid in the sink. In the frogging sink curled up in a way that he would fit. It was utterly insane. To this exact frogging moment I still don't know how you got in there. And I don't recall how you got out. But as soon as you got out. I Knew. I Knew this kid would be perfect for my squadron. And now we get to die of any various ways in this maze together. I still can't frogging believe that nobody put up an ending thing or a finish line, a trophy or something. Well, I guess this is it then. (Deep, powerful breath). Said Albus.
"Dope." Responded the Diggs.
Chapter 2 1/2: There Could Be More To This Story After All, Because I Didn't Plan For That To Happen Last Chapter It Just Kinda Did. Anyways, Read This Chapter For Mor Information About The Story And Its Plot.
"Yeah. It was dope." Said Albus reminiscingly.
All of a sudden a voice was heard over the whole maze like an announcement at Target.
"Well, it appears to me that I have actually forgotten to put an end or an objective to this course. It's my bad, but I'll blame somebody else just because. Where's my scapegoat?" Said Robert Saggitt
"Sir. I saw David Cameron with the scapegoat earlier." Said Y.Y. Tambro.
"Oh dear." Said Robert Saggitt
"No deer. Goat." Said Y.Y. Tambro confuddingly.
"Well, anyways. I guess I'd better give y'all suckers something to do in there. I mean it's literally just Albus and The Diggs in there right now cause nobody bothered to write about the rest of the qompetetiors. And I bet your expecting a solution right now...but...as soon as I paused and said but y'all got really freaking worried like wait wha? He doesn't have a solution. But jokes on you I do have a solution. And here it is: Somewhere in this maze I have thrown a weedwhacker. Whichever group finds the weedwhacker first and carves a message saying "Win" in the maze. Is the Grand Champion of the 2016/17/18 RC COLA QUADWIZARD QOMPETITION
Well we might as well let our other teams loose in the maze and to tell the story of what happens with Albus & The Diggs, Chica and Chilibowl Maxwell cause he's stupid and funny and I liked writing him, Kanye West and Jay-Z and HethPeth and a highly trained robotic gerbil that please don't ask me how he got. Thanks. Anyways well give the spotlight back to Sunny, Phil and E-40. Take it away y'all.
Phil(crooning): And it was just like the ocean, under the moon, its that stainless steel emotion that I get from you and you got the kinda lovin that can be so smooth and give your heart make real and lets fuhrgetabboutaaeegeeghhhtt.
Sunny: Um, Phil. We're on the air.
Phil: Sorry Sunny, when that TelePrompTer came on I thought it was karaoke night.
Sunny: Um, we don't have a TelePrompTer. Or karaoke night.
Phil: Well, uh, at least the weather here is great.
Sunny: We are inside a booth so I guess I'll agree with that. Anyways, down on the maze Mr. Robert Saggitt has somehow managed to toss a weedwhacker down there with out hurting anything.
E-40: And they said this man was good for nothing.
Phil: Well that's a terrible thing to say., who said that?
Sunny: I believe it was a rhetorical question with they being the critics of Robert Saggitt.
Phil: But that's not what a rhetorical question is.
Sunny: Well, look at all that action on the field! Chica and Chilibowl managed to dodge a whole flock of abnormally large vultures. Gee that would have been interesting to talk about.
Phil: But we didn't talk about it because we got off track.
Sunny: Exactly. Speaking of off track HethPeth and his robot gerbil have managed to take down the 4 Headed Heterosexual Bear.
E-40: Excuse me, but why is it called the "Heterosexual Bear."
Sunny: So we can tell it apart from the gay one. Anyways. Chica and Chilibowl are making there way down to the next trap, the Boggart. A timely tradition in this Tournament, the boggart takes the form of each contestants greatest fear.
Phil: For Chica it's probably gonna be an immigration officer.
Note: for any offensive things said in this story, blame the characters not me. I'm only writing what the visions show me.
Sincerely Yours,
The Narrator
Sunny: Wow, Phil. It's actually a giant scorpion that she can easily defeat by saying words and having things shoot out of some wooden toy. Because don't question it.
E-40: And Chilibowl's boggart is...…Wade Boggs?
Sunny: Let's go down to the infield where he quompetetiors are Mic'd Up ™
Chilibowl:*in a high pitched girl voice* oh my god. How the frogging frog did they know that I was deathly afraid of Wade Boggs and I have dreams every night that he walks up really close to me and looks me dead in the Eyes and says "Wanna banana, kid?" And than I scream and wake up.
The Wade Boggart: wanna banana kid
Chilibowl: *screams so loud he makes the THX sound at the beginning of the movies*
E-40: And that kicks Chilibowl out of the competition for being a little pus- I mean dum dum wimpy head. Stupid no cursing rule. Anyways, Chica's ridin solo now.
Sunny: And Kanye and Jay-Z are having words with each other in the most talked about hip hop beef that turned out to not really be a beef but who knows of 2017.
Jay Z: I think we should go right and around that corner and just fight whatever comes at us.
Kanye: But what if its scary and we need to run away, then where should we go?
Jay-Z: Let's just not runaway ok.
E-40: this is obviously a reference and a slight to "Runaway"; one of Kanye's biggest singles.
Sunny: That seems like a bit of a stretch but whatever gets a good storyline that you can make memes out of works for me I guess.
E-40: And they're preparing to fight 50 duck sized horses. Oh my goodness they're doing it. Wow. It's like they got superpowers or something.
Phil: You know what. If I could have any superpower in the world I'd choose the power to drink solids. Like this microphone right here I could just drink if I got thirsty. Heck I could drink this lovely bagel sandwich that's right in front of me instead of eating it. I'd be famous and rich with such a talent like that. I'd go on the Jimmy Fallon show on TV and just start drinking his desk and he'd be like "What?, huh? How is this guy drinking my desk?" And I'd be like "Superpowers, dude." Drinking solids.
Sunny: *stares bewilderedly*
Phil: Wait, what were we talking about?
E-40: Well the chase for the weedwhacker is on. It seems like Albus and The Diggs have made a huge discovery and are getting closer than ever. But the other contestants will have time to catch up as they will face their biggest distraction yet.
Phil: *pretends to put on sunglasses and take them back off but ends up stabbing self in the eye violently both times* You don't mean.
E-40: Yes, I Yabba-DABba-Doo. They are facing...The Emoji Movie.
Sunny: The Emoji Movie was released worldwide on July 28th and instantly changed the cinematic landscape for years to come. The innovative animation and charming virtuosic wit and plot line made it an instant classic that was rewarded a 125% on Rotten Tomatoes, a first of the kind. Let's go down to the field to see how our contestants will handle this strategy.
The Diggs: Wow. I can get a Just Dance App on my very own phone!
Albus: It's the number one app of the year! Look at it! It says so right in the movie!
*minutes go by*
The Diggs: You ever think that only viewing a cheap cash grab because some guy on the computer who just happened to get famous nine years ago started loving it ironically and urged his sheepish minions to do the same defeats the purpose of finding art that represents your individuality and leads to the Corporate Machine thriving off of ironic "humor" and intentionally bad movies for years to come diluting the cinematic landscape and lowering humanity's artistic standards?
Albus: I wanna know if the emojis are gonna have sex. I mean the sexual tension is just so palpable.
The Diggs: That would be rad.
Phil: Well the Emoji Movie has finished, and I'm Fairly certain I was wearing pants at the start of the show.
Sunny: I'm going to decline saying any comments related to that.
E-40: Oh phrootcakes! They're starting the movie again. At this point it's anybodys game.
Sunny: And HethPeth and his gerbil are making some serious progress.
Phil: Fun Fact: Gerbils don't like it when you shove them into the exhaust pipe of a car.
Sunny: And speaking of shoving dead animals into places let's give a warm network shoutout to our new studio guest. David Cameron!
David: You Know, I was in charge of the UKOGBNI for a great amount of time. But all you Americans know me for is an unconfirmed rumor from a dodgy memoir involving me in my university days. It's quite pathetic really.
E-40: but why you stick the peepee in the pig tho
David *gets noticeably red and stares off into space unable to speak*
Sunny: And the Robotic Gerbil has somehow managed to chew the wires for the theater screen!
E-40: And look, Kanye + Jay-Z and Chica have both made a reappearance.
Sunny: Wow. They're all really close to the weedwhacker right now. This is anyone's game!
Chapter X: We're Almost Done Here; Maybe? Well what are you still reading the chapter title for find out what happens next by reading the actual story below, ...stupid.
Sunny: And the weedwhacker has been grasped!—by HethPeth, easily the most nondescript and filler character in the tournament. Way to go. Way to ruin a perfect storyline.
E-40:WELLHOLONJUSTAMINUTERIGHTDURR, Albus is making a plea with HethPeth.
*down to the field*
Albus: You realize that I'm 'Arry Potter's freakin son. Nothing Bad is allowed to happen to me in any of these stories. JK Rowling probably said that on Twitter.
HethPeth: She also said that Hagrid was pansexual and later joined ISIS so what's your point.
Albus: Wait, she did?!
HethPeth: She didn't, but you believed me for a second there now didn't cha.
Albus: You could just hand me over hat weedwhacker right now and it would teach the kids all a lesson that you don't have to work for anything if your dad is cool enough.
HethPeth: Bro, this is mine. Get over it.
Albus: lol, I didn't even want to win this anyways I was just seeing if I could cause you know why not lol.
HethPeth: Dope shiz cuz. Now buzz off a bit ya misty wunker.
And then HethPeth turned on the weedwhacker and gave a celebratory and cartoonishly large and excessive big old swing.
But.
He, nor Albus, didn't notice The Diggs standing there in front of the shrubbery inspecting it for unknown reasons.
The Diggs was sliced across the face and fell to the ground.
(Narrator tries to google and see if you can die from this but ends up binge watching idiots hurt themselves on YouTube for 2 hours.)
His face was gushing with blood and his breathing was heavy and sporadic. He manages to spit out a few words.
"So where's the Lady with the bad tooth."
"What?!" Responded Albus in shock.
"You'll get it in about four years." Stammered The Diggs. "Huh huh huh. Yeah." He continued. And then stopped.
And then everything stopped. Time itself seemed to freeze as all the blood flow from his body stopped and The Diggs' big ol' heart grew physically cold.
MaVarkus "The Diggs" Diggler has been pronounced dead. May he Rest In Peace. But by request it will not on say that on his
gravestone so he will be drafted into the skeleton war. But that's a story for a later date (maybe).
Chapter 10: The Diggs' Funeral.
Albus Potter (who else would it be) courageously stepped forward to deliver the eulogy. Right after the crowd all sang the Harry Potter song.
*insert lyrics to the Harry Potter song*
"Well, just when we thought the Tournaments couldn't go on without a death, eh. Just wish it was the Hufflepuff again. POW! Got heeem. Anyways. It's an unfortunate tradition that a close friend of a Potter with a last name that starts with Digg- dying in one of these and as much as I wish it weren't so. It unfortunately do be so. I wish he had a chance to grow up, live life, have a nice job, some dope lizards and a good base of family and friends. It's a crying shame it had to have been done so soon because of writers block—I mean a tragic weedwhacker accident. I wish it wasn't in the plans for the first book for The Diggs to die before the Narrator got too sidetracked doing other things with the story but I don't care. That's not the point. We are gathered here today to celebrate the life lived by one of wizardkind's stranger souls. The Diggs liked feeling the skin of fruit against the skin of himself, he liked using a used shoe as a container for condiments and dipping sauce, he'd lay on top of a tv when he got bored, he loved to sit on door handles. He somehow always woke up with a perfect flat top hairstyle. He was oddly into the musical stylings of Hillary Duff and always carried around a dead fish named Arrenol'd with him. I'm sure him and Arrenol'd will have a fun time in the afterlife. The #SQUaD and I are devastated as you can imagine. In fact #SQUaD was supposed to be an acronym of all our names until Poo-Poo messed it up, so I guess we're #SQUa now, we're all missing the d in us. And yes he would want that to be taken sexually. Like his d. But I'll remain forever grateful for the memories that we were fortunate enough to have on this earth. I'll leave you all with these lyrics from our very own Kanye West.
"Memories don't live like people do
They always 'member you
Whether things are good or bad
It's just the memories that you have"
Thank you.
*snapping of approval*
Chapter Elven: A Few Words From The Narrator/Epilouge/Thank You's/Apology That You Don't Deserve.
Shoutout to you if you made it this far. Seriously, I mean it. This story is just straight trash that went on for far too long and is literally twice as long as its prequel.
While your here I'd like to shoutout a few other things really. This is still my story and I'll still do what I want.
First of all, shoutout to Kanye West and Chance the Rapper for making great music that I jammed out to while writing this story through Summer '16. And I might as well shoutout the artists who have made my summer even better this year so Shoutout to: Tyler, the Creator, Lorde, Vince Staples, Calvin Harris, Joywave, Portugal. The Man., and especially the boys at BROCKHAMPTON. Please support these artists they deserve it.
I'd also like to shoutout Eric Andre and Brandon Wardell for being comedic influences that seeped through into some parts of the story, even though there weren't many direct references, I did go to y'all for inspiration when I got stuck and needed cheap comedic relief.
Also, shoutout to the people who got all the inside jokes in this story, you know who you are.
And finally, shoutout to me. Cause I dug deep into my mind to write this trash and I will praise myself for it for as long as I can. I'm a narcissistic alien doofwad.
Anyways, if you hated or loved the story or have some constructive criticism or want to tell me to "Buzz Off" I'd be more than grateful if you'd drop a review down below. And as for plans for a three-quel. Don't get your hopes off.
Signing off, Chad "The Narrator" Copenhagen.
The End.
Thanks for Reading.
~•Fin•~
Sex and bears.
The end.
Sent from my iPhone