Things I Can Never Say
Summary: Things would be different; things could be different, if I had just said it. But I could not. I was too afraid of what you would say, afraid that you would react in the way that would break me. But, oh, if only I had. The things I could never say...
I sit in front of you, wearing a short red dress and high heels that make me wobble, wearing make up and everything. I want to look good, so that maybe you can try and notice that I am a girl...
I straighten my hair lightly with my shaking hand as I examine your orange carpet. I have been trying to say something, anything that would break this awkward silence. I pull once again at the mini dress and feel myself go red; I cannot help but curse myself for deciding to wear something so bold.
I sigh and shake my head slightly, why aren't you looking at me, are you angry with me? What's wrong?
I thought I would try to look perfect. Just for you. Hermione Granger doesn't really care for these things, you know. But...
I like you since I don't even know when. You have been my best friend and sometimes, hopefully, unbelievably, a bit more. And I like it that way. I love it.
But we never really, what was the word that Ginny had used? 'Got together'.
So I sat down and I thought. What is wrong? And I came up with the conclusion that I was just not your type of girl. I mean, you like stunning, daring, bold, a head-turner. Those are not the words that describe me. They never can. But...that is what you want and I want what you want, so I decided, then and there, to be just exactly that.
It doesn't hurt to try, does it?
It's uncomfortable, I might even have sprained my ankle and I am getting rather annoyed at the shortness of my dress but, you're worth it.
If, after today, you and I get together, and live happily ever after then it will all be completely, totally, worth it.
Sadly, the possibility that something happens between is not going to be nil only if you look at me.
Look at me and I might be closer to my happily ever after with you.
Yes, that is exactly what I want. A happy ending with Ronald Weasley. I am considered a practical girl, not known for day dreaming or dreaming things that can never be achieved but this...this just may be an exception.
And who says that this might be something that I cannot achieve? I can get what I want once I set my mind upon it.
But this time, I have my heart set upon you, Ron.
--
Ron looks up from his admission form to Aurors Academy in order to address his best friend for the first time in the whole evening. He can not hide his surprise as his mouth forms a silent 'O' in shock.
"Hermione?" He gapes at her silently.
"Yes, Ron?" she coos at him.
Ron looks away, his cheeks turning red; what is wrong with Hermione today?
I lick my bright red lips nervously. Oh dear, what is wrong? Why is Ron not looking at me? Is the make-up too bright? Why do I always mess up anything with Ron even before it starts!?
Ron finds himself unable to look at her even though he knows she will feel offended; he wonders why Hermione is dressed in that way. He nervously scratches his now-red ears and coughs a bit to himself.
I gnaw at my dress anxiously as I stare at him silently. This is it, isn't it? I have made a complete fool of myself and now Ron is feeling embarrassed for me.
"Erm, Hermione, don't mind, OK, but are you going to a party?" Ron asks me, his eyes still determinedly glued to the floor.
"I, well, it, actually, no." I stammer, unable to say anything.
"Then any particular reason why you are dressed that way?"
"Oh, uh, I was just trying on one of Gin's dresses and I thought I would ask you how you liked it..." my voice trails away silently and I feel unable to look at him. "It's not suiting me?" I whispered softly.
"It's... it's not that it's looking bad on you, you are looking...nice but the thing is, you usually don't' wear such kind of stuff so I was just a little...surprised."
"Oh." What else is there to say?
"I guess I should go..." I sigh and walk awkwardly to the door, tripping on those stupid heels.
Ron looks on as Hermione climbs to her feet slowly and then walks to the door, or rather wobbles as she is pretty shaky on the heels. Ron can't help but feel a smile creep up on his face. Here she is, thinking she looks silly when the truth was that she is looking very, very stunning. Sure this is not the Hermione he knows but still, it is a good change. He wonders idly as he picks up the white hanky why she wanted to ask him his opinion when he stops all of a sudden.
Could it be possible that Hermione wanted to show him how she looked in order to impress him? No, that is not possible, that is just silly. He laughs at himself and, shaking his head, starts downstairs only to stop again.
She could like him.
She had kissed him.
She does flirt with him. Well, a little. She grins a bit devilishly and she gets that spark in her eyes he loves when she talks to him. Or did she always have that and he just started noticing it because he desperately wants her to like him?
He feels like as if he is losing his mind. He constantly feels this way these days; it was just that he is so confused. Nothing is clear. She flirts with him and all of a sudden, she starts flirting with some other cousin of his that he had over recently. It's like as if she enjoys playing games with his mind.
"Dealing with Lord Voldemort was easier than this." He groans to himself as he starts back upstairs to his room, his mind swimming with the image of her in that sweet, red dress.
I slowly chew my soggy cereal the next morning and think about what I should do today. I hope Harry comes over, but I have a feeling he probably won't. He is training as an Auror and he has become so busy now. One cannot imagine what it must be like to be Harry Potter now, but one can know that it is very busy, very tiring and certainly involves disliking certain people who are constantly on his trail now, hoping for scandalous stories or pictures.
I see Ginny look hopefully at the door as somebody rings the doorbell and feel sorry for the red-head. Her relationship with Harry doesn't get much time these days and I am sensing that there might even be some problems between the two. I recently overheard an argument between the two where Harry was accusing Ginny of not understanding why he couldn't spend so much time with her and Ginny was saying that she felt abandoned. Eavesdropping is a bad habit but it is useful.
As I see Ginny lower her head dejectedly, I can't help but feel that I am a bit lucky in that manner. I have Ron around me all the time, and even though we are not as close as Harry and Ginny are, it is still good to have him around, especially after the Battle. But I know that he won't be around for long either; he will be leaving soon for his own Auror training session and then, he will not come back home for six months.
I poke the bowl with the spoon softly and heave another big sigh. I just cannot help but feel that my life is going out of control and there is nothing that I can do to get it back in my power. I wanted to become a journalist but now I am not too sure about that.
I am currently unsure what I am going to do in my life. In fact, I am unsure about everything in my life right now except for one depressing fact: I am soon going to be left completely alone as Harry and Ron both will leave for their Auror training and Ginny will go back to Hogwarts for her seventh year.
What will happen to me?
As Ron seats himself opposite to Hermione, he notices that Hermione was looking the normal herself, albeit a bit more makeup than usual. He wonders yet again why she was wearing that dress and shrugs to himself idly. Well, maybe the reason she had given him had indeed been the true reason; maybe she had merely wished to ask a male opinion.
Ron narrows his eyes at that; can it be that she wants to know a male opinion because she is going to wear that dress and go out with some guy?
Surely not.
Ron looks at the brown-eyed girl silently and starts brooding on his latest worry: Hermione could be dating somebody.
I try to straighten my hair and knock on Ron's door later that afternoon as my heart beats with trepidation. I have never had any problem talking to Ron about any subject whatsoever but these days, it seems like as if I can never say anything to him. Ron and I had our breakfast as well as our lunch together, sitting just across each other, yet we had spoken not a word.
Yet, here I am, trying to make small talk with Ronald Weasley again. I know I am too old for this kind of silliness but have you ever said the name 'Weasley' out loud? If you have, then you must know how cool and romantic it sounds. And we all know that Hermione is a very romantic name. Just imagine 'Hermione' and 'Weasley' together! Although I have always expressed a wish to keep my name if I ever get married, I must say that I really love the idea of connecting Weasley with Hermione. I am so eager to do it that I actually feel a shiver run down my spine.
But it can only be done if I manage to make Ron mine. Which I will, never doubt that. The only thing that remains to see is, how long?
Giving yourself pep talk certainly helps, as I now feel more confident and excited as I knock loudly once again on the orange door.
Ron groans as somebody knocks hard on his door; he grumbles that his folk cannot even let him sleep as he staggers to the door and pulls it open only to come face to face with Hermione herself. He immediately turns red as he realizes that he is not wearing a shirt. Obviously, his best friend realizes that as well as she too blushes. He quickly rushes to put on anything on his thin torso and turns to face a still very pink Hermione; he gulps and determinedly beams at her.
"Hello, Hermione. What's going with you?" Sometimes, asking how a person is the best way to curb awkwardness and frankly, that is the only thing one can remember at times.
"Erm, I am OK. Just came by to ask if you wanted to play a game of Quidditch? Ginny and me as usual against you and Bill. You interested?" Hermione asks, offering him the smallest smile.
"Sure, sure. I will be right down." Ron nods.
"OK." She turns to leave when she turns and says a bit sadly, "I miss Harry at times like these, you know. I mean, normally, it would have been you, me, Harry and Ginny playing." She sighs and Ron notices her nose turning red. From his own experiences, he knows that this is an indication of waterworks coming and if there is anything he hates more than Lord Voldemort in this world, it is Hermione in tears.
"Hey, he's busy. I am sure he misses us too." Ron says as he moves towards her and hovers around her awkwardly, his hands on her shoulders uncertainly.
"That makes me feel even worse. I mean, we all have each other but Harry; he is dealing with all of this all alone. That makes me feel really crappy. And what's even worse, I think he and Ginny are having trouble and so now Ginny is sad as well. And..." she stops as she inspects her feet.
"And?" Ron asks me.
And what? And I can't believe that we are drifting so far apart. And I want us to be really close, and, if I have my way, married with two kids. That I want to be with him every single night and I want him to hold me and whisper his sweet, silly things in my ear. What else can I say, Ron, that I want to see, right here, right now, him on his knees, asking my hand in marriage?
That I am trying to look so perfect, trying to look beautiful, stunning and all that I am not just for him. That what I want the most in my life is his companionship for the rest of my life.
He is asking me again what I was about to say but now I have completely lost my thread. I cannot say anything. I am too nervous, I wish he would go away, or at least move back a bit since being so close to him is making me really, really tense.
I am turning red again and I know I am looking like an utter fool. I should first try to control myself and then try to conquer somebody else. And really, when I think about it, I feel like laughing and crying at the same time; I hope to win over Ron but I can not even say anything to him about how much I care for him. I love him. I want to say it. I have been dying to say it for so long, the why can't I?
No, I can say nothing, I am left to stutter and stammer and wonder why I am making such strange noises.
I don't think I can take it any more, so I mumble a 'see you later' and try to make a hasty exit.
To my despair, it doesn't work.
Hermione wants to say something, Ron knows she does. But she doesn't. Or rather, maybe she can't. Ron watches in anxiety, breathing slowly and deeply as his friend turns slowly red and open her sweet mouth in an attempt to say something.
She fails and perhaps she feels embarrassed and tries to leave. But curiosity has now gotten better of Ron. He has to hear what she wants to say; otherwise he just might become even more restless.
So all Ron has to do is catch hold of her hand as she tries to flee and force it out of her, like some romantic movie's lead. For some strange reason, Ron feels sure that Hermione wants to make some major confession to him. And he has also made up his mind to ask her if she does like him. Because he sure as heck does and today, after so many years of secret adoration, he finally has the courage to tell her.
All he can do now is pray that he will not be disappointed.
"Hermione, what did you want to say? I want to hear it, please." Ron Weasley asks me, a steely determination in his blue eyes.
I stare at the hand in my hand. That is all I can do. I know I am sweating buckets here, and my makeup is already ruined and I must look an utter mess. Yet, all I can do is stare at the big hand in my hand. That is all.
"Ron..." I begin. "You know we are not that close anymore. I feel like as if there is some sort of barrier between us. These days, I feel myself unable to say anything when I am around you. And that puzzles me, because before, I could say anything to you. And now..." I trail off.
"Now what, Hermione? No, tell me, I want to listen to you. I am going to listen to you. Listen come, sit down, and tell me everything. I want to listen. I will hear and I will understand, so please, speak your heart out." Such generous offers on your part, Ron.
How much will you listen to me? How much can you? I can speak to you the whole day, the whole night and the day that follows. I can speak to you forever and never shut up. That is why I have a suggestion, why don't I spend my whole life with you? You can listen in a bit and then I can hear you out. What do you say? You and me together, tell me, can we last forever?
And what do I tell you? All that I want to tell you is stuck in my windpipe and refuses to budge from there. It is obstructing my air; maybe that is why I can't breathe!
"OK, so you can't say it? Then I will say something to you." Ron holds me by my shoulders and turns me to face him.
"Hermione Granger, I love you."
I love you...
Did he say that or was it my imagination? This is it, I have lost it all and I am now permanently insane! Ron can't love me!
"Yes, I do. It started first with our fights, then continued in our friendship then followed up with the crush, and now, now it's bloomed into love. I cannot hold it in any longer, I love you too much. I have loved you since the time I was with, um, never mind. But the thing is I love you!"
And all I can do is stare at him with my eyes the size of saucers. Is this really happening?
"And I don't know why you wore that dress yesterday, and if it is for another Krum, then let me tell you this, you are mine. No Hungarian Krum can you sweep you off your feet; that is my right. And I love you. Godric, it feels so good to say it. I love you, I love you. I love you." He grins at me so widely that there are chances that his cheek bones may crack, his eyes are blue pools of fireworks and his ears have given up and permanently turned red.
It is my turn to say something now.
"I..." I mumble, and then clear my throat. "I wore that dress for you. I wanted to...look like a girl." I avert my eyes and instead examine the orange bedspread. Does Ron realise he is sitting just about 3 inches away from me?
"But you look like a girl." He said, confusion clearly illuminating in his eyes.
"Well, like a girl-girl. Somebody who's pretty, and stunning and, well, a head-turner." I shrug awkwardly.
"Somebody like Lavender." He confirms it, his tone unidentifiable.
"Well....yes." I look down, ashamed.
"Oh, Hermione. You don't need to be like Lavender." Yes, because I just can't be like her, I think.
"Not because you can't be like her, you definitely can, and better than her, too." He adds as I wonder if he is reading my mind.
"You are you. And I love you like that. I love the way your bushy hair is always out of control, I love the way you almost always have your nose buried in a book, and I adore your simplicity. I love you like you are. I love the way you walk, you talk, your laugh, your hand, your, your, well, everything. And if you become somebody else then I will lose the Hermione I love...how would I handle that? Besides, I believe that a person should be accepted as he is, if I try to change you to be what I want, then I don't love you. If I love you because you are Lavender-Hermione and not Hermione-Hermione, then my love couldn't possibly be true. But my love is true, and will last forever, and that is because I love you. Every part of you. But now the question is, do you love me?" he gulps and I, I can't say a thing. How do you react when a person is saying that he will be the man of your dreams? What do you do when you have the man of your dreams in front of you, announcing that he loves you?
"I love you so much, Ron," I sniffle. "I love you so much that I hate you, " he looks taken aback by my statement so I hasten to explain, "All the times you made me feel like killing you, the time when you with her, the time when you left me, I hated you. And all that time, I tried to hate you so much, and I failed miserably. That is the only time I fail, Ron; I fail at trying to hate you. Because I love you too much. I love you too-possessively-dying-of-jealousy-dreaming-like-a-little-kid much. " I smile slowly at him as I open my arms and he zeroes the distance of three inches between us.
And like every romantic couple, our little love story ends, or rather begin, with that sweet kiss. The best one.
"When did you get so wise and clever about love and how to love?" I ask him as we rock against each other.
"From you, who else." He murmurs.
"You want to go downstairs and play Quidditch with Gin?"
"Nah, let's pass." He grin as his lips made for mine.
And so, I never did say anything to Ron about what I want; he said it for me.
To those who dare to dream, hang in there, true love exists for all.
Helooooo, people! This is my first story in 2009 and I must say, I had a blast writing it. Oh and before I forget, Happy New Year! Belated!
This story helped me get over my writing block and for that, thank you story! I love Ron and Hermione, even though I have the toughest time writing them; I still love them.
Now I give where credit is due; I had the inspiration for the story from the song, 'Things I'll Never Say' by Avril Lavigne. I wanted to write this story since...forever! Don't ask me why I never got the chance, but hey better late than never, huh?
A lot of firsts came in this story for me: I actually planned it, and took my time writing it, I let it stay for a week after I had completed and then I proof-read it again and THEN I posted it to you. I wanted it to be good, since the other Hermione-Ron fics of mine are not really good, and I wanted this one to be at least decent. I also tried writing in present tense, and Godric! I went nuts, it's hard, geez. I was constantly confused about the tense and so I may just have slipped here and there and for that, forgive me.
Well, I hope you liked it, and had a fun time reading. For the Another Reason... readers, I am sorry, I am! I am now writing chapter five, it should be up soon!
So, thank you for reading and many, many more grateful thanks if you review.
Have the best life and a true love soon,
Ginny. :)
Return to Top